When siblings fight it can be beyond frustrating. Battles can transform moments that you hoped would be peaceful into moments that are fraught with anger and strife.

The fact that it is normal for siblings to fight is little comfort while their wars are raging. So, can anything be done to promote a ceasefire, or perhaps even an alliance between brothers and sisters?

Why siblings fight?

Children are a work in progress. They do not come complete with impulse control, empathy or the ability to put situations in perspective. In time, they will learn and develop the skills to help them co-exist peacefully with other humans. Unfortunately, it is a slow process

This underdevelopment of personal and social skills, along with the fact that siblings spend prolonged amounts of time together in confined spaces, means that sibling spats are to be expected.

In fact, a certain amount of conflict can be beneficial. It is healthy for children to learn to use their voice and establish their boundaries. Of course, this is often less glamorous than it sounds. It is less gently enforcing personal expectations and more rolling around on the floor, battling over the remote control.

In some homes, however, the battle between siblings can be a never-ending struggle.

Look for the root cause of discord

If your children do not seem to like each other, working out the root cause is important. This may be something that shows in the things they most often fight about. Sometimes it may be due to a clash between needs or personalities. One child may be naturally loud whereas the other struggles with too much noise, or one child may love company, but the other needs their own space.

Sibling fights are also more common when children feel like they don’t get enough attention from their parents or caretakers. If a child is hungry for more connection with their adult, they can begin to resent their siblings with whom they have to share attention.

Prevention is better than cure

Trying to tame two or more children in the midst of a spat is not fun. I do not think this is just my personal opinion. I have met other parents, and no-one likes playing mediator. Is there a way to create a culture where fights are less likely?

Redefine fair

Many siblings fight when one of them believes that a situation is unfair. Children often go through a stage when they believe that everything needs to be equal to be fair. They are not yet able to look at the nuances of a situation, rather they see things as black and white.

For example, perhaps one child was playing with a neighbour in the garden and missed their screen time. When they come in, their sibling has started watching a show. The fact that they have unequal amounts of TV time may be all the first child sees, disregarding the extra fun they had in the garden.

The truth that not everything has to be equal is one that children need to learn.

Replacing fairness with kindness

As your children go through life, there will be times when situations are unequal. Perhaps one of your children is in a friendship group that loves parties, therefore receives more invitations. On the other hand, your other child may be old enough to enjoy more freedom and liberty.

Try to teach your children to replace their strict expectation of fairness with kindness. Encourage them to celebrate each other’s successes and be happy for each other’s wins. This will take time and won’t be an easy process. Of course, allow them to feel disappointment for themselves, too. The ability to feel conflicting emotions is one that they will soon tune into. Remind them of the times that they won and their sibling backed them up.

Allow them to set their own boundaries

Give your children permission to set appropriate boundaries around their bodies, space and possessions. This can be even more important when children share rooms. In a shared room, you may need to get creative. Perhaps you could invest in bed canopies, so each child has a little hidey hole that is all theirs. If possible, divide storage so that they have their own drawer or shelf.

Sharing is a great skill to have. There will be times when sharing should be encouraged. However it is important you don’t make them share everything. Allow them to have things that are there own.

In the same way, there are times when children will have to deal with other people and socialise, but they should not be forced to entertain their siblings. They must be allowed time on their own if they need it.

Set clear and consistent rules

Although, as we have already discussed, things will not and can not always be fair, the fundamental rules should be the same for every child. If there is no screen at the table, that should apply to everyone. No hitting means no hitting, even if it is the littlest hitting the biggest child.

There may be exceptions if you have children who have additional needs. There will also be differences in things like bedtimes, and the amount of independence allowed as children mature and age. You can allow for that whilst also being consistent in the expectation that each child is respectful and kind.

Make time for each child

A child with a strong connection with their parent or main caregiver will feel secure and have better mental and emotional health. This can help them regulate their emotions which in turn will help them to deal with conflict in a more pragmatic way.

One-on-one bonding time is important for building that strong connection. Try to find fun things that you and your child both enjoy doing, and take a little time, when possible, to share the activity with them.

Look after their bodies as well as their minds

Hanger is a real thing. It is not just hunger that can turn your sweet little angels into wild hyenas; lack of sleep and movement can also have a big impact on mood and behaviour.

If your children are in school, you may find that they fight with their siblings more when the holidays come around. To combat this, maintain pockets of routine throughout the holidays to help sleep. Try to get outside, no matter the weather, for a little bit each day.

Encourage your children to work together

A simple way to get your children to work together is to set them a joint challenge. It might be that they need to work together to clean a room, or that they have to collect a certain number of stars between them to earn a treat.

Be sure to structure challenges in a way that each child can and must contribute so one child isn’t carrying the others.

What to do when siblings fight

No matter how well you prepare at times children will fight. When they do, it can be infuriating. You might find yourself tempted to shout louder than them, and thus initiate a three-way war.

Let’s look at some positive ways to cope when siblings fight.

Implement a healthy time out

Time-outs, when used correctly, can be a great way to cool a situation down. When siblings are in the middle of a fight, they are likely to be emotional and frustrated. It is hard to get a child to think rationally when emotions are high. Give each child a place to go and sit, away from the fight, and away from each other.

Time-outs work better when children have an element of control in them. If you ask a child to sit in their room for five minutes there is the chance that they will stomp upstairs and sit seething for five minutes. If, on the other hand you ask a child to go and sit upstairs until they have calmed down and can talk about a situation calmly, they will regulate their emotions in less time, and likely come down in a better place mentally and emotionally.

The element of control that you have given your child will empower them, and the fact that coming out of time-out depends on fixing their attitude will motivate them to work towards being calmer. Of course, there are times when a child will pretend to be calm just to avoid a time-out. This is a bonus. Tell them as long as they prove through behaviour and words that they are calmer, they can come out, and they will be likely to fake calm and in doing so actually feel calmer too.

Give them room to work out a solution

It is tempting to jump in as soon as a conflict arises. Sure, there will be times when we need to for safety or just self-preservation, but sometimes let your children work things out for themselves.

This is hardest when you have a child who has a stronger personality than another as you may worry the gentler child will get stomped all over and taken advantage of. The truth us that children need to learn to handle situations on their own, and fighting their own battles with siblings can be an important step towards that.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t have input at all. Spend time with your more dominant child encouraging them to listen to their siblings, and with your passive child helping them think of ways to express themselves. There will be moments where they don’t manage, and that is okay. You have to lose sometimes to learn.

Take each situation as it is

It is tempting to look at history and behaviour trends when you are having to mediate fights. If one child is often mischievous, you may have an inkling that they are at the root of most conflict. However, each situation should be taken at face value, and each child given a chance to put forwward their opinion.

Take time for you if you need it

There are so many things that we need to look after, it is easy to forget to look after ourselves. To be able to stay calm, we need to remember to prioritise self-care.

If the fighting gets too much, there is no shame at all in asking your children to go into separate calm calm-down spaces for a few minutes and play quietly so that you can breathe. In fact, making sure that they are safe while you take time to self-regulate is great parenting.

A final note

It is hard when our children fight, but hang in there. Parenting can be a gritty and messy journey, but by making it through we will teach our children about perseverance.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Engelmann, Jan M., and Michael Tomasello. “Children’s Sense of Fairness as Equal Respect.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 23, no. 6, June 2019, pp. 454–463, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2019.03.001.

Mentally Healthy Schools. “Attachment and Child Development : Mentally Healthy Schools.” Mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk, 2019, www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/mental-health-needs/attachment-and-child-development/.

Pendley, Jennifer. “Sibling Rivalry (for Parents) – KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2016, kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html.

“The Pillar of Fairness.” Madison.rbusd.org, madison.rbusd.org/apps/pages/index.jsp?uREC_ID=935514&type=d&pREC_ID=1267716.

“What Is Fair?” BBC Bitesize, 2020, www.bbc.co.uk/teach/school-radio/articles/zwxcvwx. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

“When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting – Child Mind Institute.” Child Mind Institute, 5 Feb. 2025, childmind.org/article/when-siblings-wont-stop-fighting/#forget-fair. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

Taking time to garden with a child can create an opportunity to bond. Even if you do not have outside garden space, there are indoor plant projects that you can embark on.

Why garden with your child?

Gardening with your child is a lot of fun, but it also has other benefits.

Spending time connecting with nature and being surrounded by plants and earth has been proven to improve emotional regulation and well-being.

Gardening also develops a wide range of essential skills, such as fine motor control through planting little seeds and patience as they water plants daily, waiting for them to grow.

It can be educational in a natural and fun way, as children learn about different types of plants, and meet a variety of creepy crawlers in the dirt they are digging.

As you garden with your child, there will be time to chat. Children are more likely to open up and talk about their feelings if they are busily engaged in an activity alongside you.

How to garden with your child

Gardening with your child will be a different experience for each family. How you approach it will depend on the space you are working with, as well as the age and development of your child.

Here are a few ideas.

• Invest in a planting box for them to work with. Spend time in a garden centre looking for seeds or plants to fill it with. Remember to teach them how to check the information on the label to see if the plant will grow well in the area they are working with. Here is a guide to layering a planting box to save money on soil.
• Create your own vegetable patch. Growing vegetables from scratch is a great way to encourage children to eat healthier. A lot of vegetables do well if you grow them into seedlings inside first, and then plant out once they have grown a little.
• Download an app, like PlantNet, to help children learn about different plants. PlantNet allows you to take photos of plants, and it will tell you what they are likely to be from either the leaf shape or the flower. This can be a game changer when children first have a go at weeding.
• Start a sunflower-growing race with your neighbours. Buy a pack of sunflower seeds and pass them out to the houses around you. See who can grow the tallest sunflower.
• Experiment with scents as well as visual experiences. Lavender, roses, herbs; there are so many great-smelling plants that you can place around the garden to give children an aromatic experience outside. You could put a little bench near a lavender bush for a calm-down spot.
• Make a wildlife haven. From birdboxes to hedgehog dens, there are a plethora of projects that you can embark on to invite a little wild into your garden. If you are short on space, perhaps try an insect home.
• Invest in a wildlife camera to see the comings and goings of critters around you. There are I-spy bird or wildlife checklists that you can download to add a little challenge.

Indoor plant projects to try if you don’t have a garden

If you don’t have a garden, there are still plant projects that you can embark on.

• Grow herbs or chilli plants in a pot on your windowsill. Both are great indoor pot projects. They are low maintenance and can be used to flavour a variety of dishes.
• Use an old jar or glass vase to build a terrarium. Here is a great how to guide.. Terrariums are beautiful and fun to personalise. Try using coloured stones or use a hanging planter to mix it up.
• Could you place bird feeders outside your window? There are feeders which can suction to your glass, which means this is an option even if you live in an apartment. Just remember to stay safe when placing it.
• Embrace the world of indoor plants. Houseplants brighten any space. They are also proven to support health. When plants were put in the room of hospital patients, pain tolerance improved. If you want a fun craft project, get your little one to help decorate a pot for your new plant.

A final note

Whether it’s indoor plant projects or getting muddy in the garden, embrace the adventure. Let your little ones get creative and have fun.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Works Cited

olver, Charlotte. “Wellbeing Benefits of Gardening for Children.” Www.rhs.org.uk, 2024, www.rhs.org.uk/garden-inspiration/get-gardening/wellbeing-benefits-of-gardening-for-children.

RHS. “Houseplants: To Support Human Health.” Www.rhs.org.uk, 2023, www.rhs.org.uk/plants/types/houseplants/for-human-health.

Children and mobile phones is a topic that causes a lot of controversy. Are they bad and dangerous or important for safety?

According to a survey by Offcom, almost a quarter of children between five and seven years old have a mobile phone.

You may, quite rightly, be horrified by that statistic. A five-year-old does not need a mobile phone. Nor does a seven-year-old.

The correct age, however, is a question that many are still asking.

What is the right age?

There is no set age that experts agree on as being right for a child to have a phone.

Many suggest looking at the child’s maturity and ability to handle responsibility.

For example, if your child has not yet learnt to look after their things, then you may not want to give them an expensive phone.

More importantly, can you trust your child to follow instructions and communicate openly with you?

As well as considering the when, think about the why. Would a phone be a means of enabling independence and communication? Independence and communication are great reasons. If it is less about connecting your child with the world and more about keeping them distracted, look for other distractions and leave the mobile phone for another time.

Children and Mobile Phones: The Bad

Many adults rely on their mobile phones. However, there is a lot of press about the danger of giving children a phone too early.

There are many reasons. Let’s look at a few of the main ones.

• Mobile phones open children up to social media. Social media, if not handled correctly, can harm a child’s mental health.

As children begin to move from childhood to adulthood, they will be looking to work out who they are and their place in the world. The perfection that is idolised on social media may make them feel inadequate.

• The unmitigated influence of influencers can be a concern. Through platforms like TikTok, internet celebrities can influence your child for good or bad.

Not all influencers are bad, but not all are good. Children have not fully developed critical thinking skills. They are also entering an age where they seek acceptance from their peers over their parents. This can make them vulnerable to negative influences and unhealthy or dangerous trends.

• Cyberbullying is another real danger.

Of course, real bullying is terrible. Cyberbullying is no better. Through mobile phones, bullies can get to children wherever they are, meaning that home ceases to be a haven from the nastiness.

• Increased screen time can have a negative impact on physical health and mental health.

As children spend more time on their phones, they spend less time engaging in other activities, such as sports, games and hobbies. This not only impacts physical health, as they exercise less, but also mental health, as they spend less time being creative and exploring their passions.

More time looking at a screen can also have a negative impact on sleep and eating patterns.

• Social connection and a sense of belonging is a fundamental need for all humans. Having a strong connection with family and friends helps keep a child socially , physically and emotionally well.

Although mobile phones can sometimes be used as a mode of connection, they can also cause disconnect. You see this when children go out for a meal with family and spend the time hiding behind a screen rather than talking. Mobile phones can create situations where people are together physically, yet each isolated in their own world.

Children and Mobile Phones: The Good

Despite the bad press, many children are still given mobile phones. Why? Is it just that parents are getting soft? Or worse still, are parents looking for ways to keep their children quiet and out of the way?

I don’t believe that is the case. There are many more positive reasons why children may be given a mobile phone.

• Independence and freedom become vital as our children age and mature. A mobile phone can allow an older child to do more things, like walk to the shops, or walk home from school alone, whilst still being able to reach out to a grown up if they need to.

In days gone by, children did these things without a mobile phone. However, it is still safer, and sometimes just useful for them to have a way to stay in touch.

Local communities have changed a great deal in the last few decades. People rarely know most people in their area or even on their street. When children get invited to a friend’s house, there is a good chance you won’t know the parents. It can be tempting to want to keep our children safe and at home, but that is not good for their social well being or mental health.

Making sure that they have a way to call or text you if they feel unsafe, can make letting go easier

• Communication and connection are as important for our children and young people as they are for us.

There is no denying that spending face-to-face time with others is better than connecting digitally, but with the pressures of modern life, it is hard for people to meet as often as they would like.

Allowing your child to connect through text, calls or messages to friends and family members can help them bond with the important people in their world.

If your child is using a phone for this purpose, it is important to teach them phone etiquette and ensure that controls are in place so they are only connecting with people you know and trust.

• Education used to be grounded in paper and ink. That is no longer the case. There are a lot of ways that a mobile phone or tablet can aid learning.

If your child wants to practise spelling or maths, there are apps and online games that they can use. Online articles and videos are available covering a multitude of topics. Some children will enjoy reading online news and learning about what is happening in the world around them.

• When our children reach adulthood, they will have a mobile phone. Letting your older child have one when they are still under your care allows you to teach them digital responsibility and moderation.

Using parent control apps and with clear phone rules, you can help your child to develop a healthy attitude to technology. In time you can support them in learning to use their phone in ways that make them happy and more connected, rather than it being something negative in their life.

Sims and control apps for children

If you are on the fence about getting a phone for your child, a child-friendly sim might be a good idea.

ParentShield are a fantastic option. The SIM records all calls and messages. This is a contentious feature, as some parents worry about invading privacy. It is important to let your child know that their communication is being recorded. The recordings can be referred to when you have cause for concern.

If you choose ParentShield, make sure that you opt for one of the plans that includes data so that you can keep an eye on location.

Another option is to use a regular SIM but download a parental control app, which helps you control your child’s phone usage.

A final note

The choice to get a mobile phone for your child is not always a bad one. If you do decide to take the leap, make sure that you are aware of the risks and create healthy boundaries around its use.

Ensure that you have a healthy structure of discipline in place so you can calmly enforce the boundaries that you believe are healthy and safe.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Cook, Amanda Barnes. “Connection and Disconnection: Parenting with Smartphones.” Respectful Parent, 14 Aug. 2014, respectfulparent.com/connection-and-disconnection-parenting-smartphones/. Accessed 2 Apr. 2025.

Herbert, Edward. “Should Children Have Mobile Phones? | the Children’s Society.” Childrenssociety.org.uk, 18 Dec. 2024, www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/blogs/should-children-have-mobile-phones.

Lyness PHD, D’Arcy. “How Can Social Connection Help Kids & Teens Feel Less Lonely? (for Parents).” Kidshealth.org, Oct. 2023, kidshealth.org/en/parents/social-connection.html.

Miller, Caroline . “When Should You Get Your Kid a Phone?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/when-should-you-get-your-kid-a-phone/.

Purebred Marketing. “8 Reasons Why You Should Give Your Kid a Phone.” COSMO Technologies, Inc., 23 Feb. 2024, cosmotogether.com/blogs/news/8-reasons-why-you-should-give-your-kid-a-phone?srsltid=AfmBOoqEmhlK6azzbH-WWVuEDv2Z8zT_iGiPbrtLouNopIWhX9gPrbEr. Accessed 3 Apr. 2025.

“The Importance of Play and Social Connections in Early Child Development – London School of Childcare Studies.” London School of Childcare Studies, 8 Oct. 2024, childcarestudies.co.uk/blog/the-importance-of-play-and-social-connections-in-early-child-development/.

Vallance, Chris, and Philippa Wain. “Ofcom: Almost a Quarter of Kids Aged 5-7 Have Smartphones.” BBC News, 18 Apr. 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-68838029.

When looking at how to fix separation anxiety in children, it is important to understand the root cause of the anxiety. By understanding what our children are feeling, and why, we become better equipped to be able to support them through their tricky moments, and help them to come out stronger.

What causes separation anxiety in young children?

The first thing it is important to know is that separation anxiety is normal. Between the ages of six months and three years old, most children will exhibit signs of separation anxiety in some form.

As babies grow, they are constantly learning. One big development is the understanding that things and people still exist when they are not right there. They now know that although Mummy walked into a different room, she is still somewhere. This understanding with their limited knowledge of things like time, or schedules, can cause children to panic when they are left by their primary caregivers. They know the person they rely on for everything is somewhere, but they don’t know where.

Although it can be a difficult stage to navigate, remember that children have separation anxiety because they feel safe with their carers. Before we look at how to fix it, know that you must have already been doing something right to have become your child’s safe place.

How to fix separation anxiety in young children?

Separation anxiety is something that all young children will go through, and sometimes older children too. there is no quick fix. Although there is comfort in knowing it is a natural stage that will pass, it can be exhausting. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help your child through this.

• Make the separations gradual. Try asking a friend to come watch your little one, and start by letting them play with your child with you in the room, then pop out for a few minutes. Slowly increase the amount of time that you are gone. As this progresses your child will learn that you always come back.
• Smile when you are saying goodbye. Walking away from your baby while they are crying can be heartbreaking. You might find that you want to cry, too. However, babies and toddlers are social learners. They will learn the most from their primary caregivers. If they see that you are upset when you leave, it reinforces the idea that something is wrong.
• Routines can help your baby or toddler understand what is happening and predict what will happen next. Creating a routine that you consistently stick to when you leave your child and pick them up can help ground them.
• Give them your full focus before you leave and when you return. It is never fun when your toddler has a meltdown at drop-off, but try to leave on a good note. This will help your child feel secure in their bond with you.

Separation anxiety disorder in children

Sometime separation anxiety can be more intense or prolonged. This is called separation anxiety disorder. It can be a sign of other worries or poor mental health.

Causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Although a child’s environment and experiences can cause separation anxiety disorder, a child’s biology is also a factor.

A child’s hormones help to control different neurological and physical functions throughout their body. An imbalance of two hormones, norepinephrine and serotonin, can make a child more prone to anxiety.

This means, that if your child is naturally more anxious, it may just be the way their brain is wired. It is worth thinking about environmental factors too. If there are big life changes or stresses your child may need extra support.

How to support a child with separation anxiety disorder

• Teach coping mechanisms. There are lots of great recourses that offer a plethora of coping strategies you can teach your child to use when they are feeling anxious. Here is a list of coping strategies from Barnados, which you may find helpful.
• Don’t avoid situations that your child finds difficult. Of course, you may want to take small steps. At times, you may choose to give your child some downtime rather than pushing them. However, don’t let their anxiety completely control what you do and don’t do. If your child is anxious about being left, and you don’t leave them, they will remain convinced that being separated from you means something bad will happen. Being separated from you is imperative for them to understand that separation is okay, and that they can handle it.
• Keep your word. Anxious children often worry about whether their parents will come back. If you have a history of keeping your word, your child will trust you to pick them up again as promised. If you are running late for a pick up, it is worth calling or emailing the carer or teacher so that they can explain to your child.
• Try to anticipate situations that your child may find difficult. Talk them through what to expect and what they should do. Make sure they know the adults are there that they can turn to for help if needed.
• Remember to look after yourself. Having a child who will not leave your side can be exhausting. To be strong for them, it is important that you care for yourself.

When to seek help

Like some people, you may feel that there is a stigma around poor mental health. You may be nervous about seeking outside help, but there is no reason to be.

If separation anxiety is impacting your child’s ability to do daily tasks, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people trained to work with children who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health issues. The sooner we acknowledge that it is okay to need support sometimes, the better for all of our children.

Where to get help

There are a few different places that provide support for parents trying to fix separation anxiety disorder in their children. Although there may not be quick, or easy solutions, they may be able to support you and your child, and help move things in the right direction.

• School: Most schools have workers who are trained to support children who are struggling with things like anxiety. They can also help to connect you with other charities or organisations who may be able to help.
• Local doctors surgery: General practitioners are able to support mental, as well as physical, health. They may not offer hands on help, but should be able to refer you to someone who can.
• Help lines: If you search on the internet, you are likely to find both local and national help lines that are able to provide support to children and young people who are struggling with issues like anxiety.

A final note

As we have discussed, a certain amount of separation anxiety in children is normal, and will usually fix itself in time. If your child is struggling and it is impacting their life in a negative way, or just not improving, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need support sometimes.

Separation anxiety isn’t easy, but hang in there. This too will pass.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Hormones: What They Are, Function & Types.” Cleveland Clinic, 23 Feb. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22464-hormones.

Contributing, Taylor,. “Separation Anxiety in Toddlers.” What to Expect, WhattoExpect, 15 Nov. 2016, www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/toddler-separation-anxiety.aspx#causes. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025.

Goldstein, Clark. “What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/.

Mayo Clinic. “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 5 Apr. 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.

NHS. “Separation Anxiety.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.

“Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It Happens and What to Do | Riley Children’s Health.” Www.rileychildrens.org, www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do.

Swanson, Wendy. “How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety.” HealthyChildren.org, 29 July 2021, www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx.

Watson, Renee. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children.” Www.nationwidechildrens.org, 1 Mar. 2023, www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.

Zara Jethani. “The Impact of Hormone Imbalances on Neurological Health and Memory – Pacific Neuroscience Institute.” Pacific Neuroscience Institute, 12 July 2024, www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-health/the-impact-of-hormone-imbalances-on-neurological-health-and-memory/.

If I had heard people talking about how to survive children’s birthday parties before I was a mother, I would have thought them miserable.

What could be more lovely than children’s birthday parties? Who asks how to survive something so joyful?

You may find the first few parties are indeed wonderful. They are too young to have friends, so the guest list consists of your friends and family. All your favourite people come and enjoy the cuteness of your toddler.

The dynamic changes, however, when a child starts school.

Now your child has friends, so the guest list includes a lot more little people, along with parents you don’t know. There will be children who don’t know how to behave kindly or struggle to do so. There will be parents who are likewise afflicted.

If it isn’t your party, or if you are catering to please the little people, there will likely be sugar. When sugar mixes with excited children the result is the same as when you put a mint into cola. That is, explosive and messy.

Then there are gifts. Buying gifts for children you don’t know is difficult. Receiving gifts for your child isn’t always fun either. Even if they aren’t gifted glitter or slime-making kits, you have to make room for new toys, some of which you know they will never play with.

So are children’s birthday parties just something we have to survive, or can we find ways to make them fun, or at least peaceful?

How to survive children’s parties as a guest

As a guest, there is less pressure on you. At the very worst it is a few hours sitting in a noisy room, making nice to other parents.

Here are a few tips to help you, when your child starts getting invited to parties.

Gifts

The truth is, it is okay not to spend a fortune on gifts. If you are struggling financially don’t feel pressured to pay out silly amounts. Especially as there are likely to be multiple parties over the year. A fiver in a card is plenty.

If you do want to get gifts rather than cash, it is sometimes worth having a go-to gift for each year, that you buy for every party. That way you only have to think about it once, and all other parties you have a gift idea ready.

My favourite go-to gift was a pocket microscope. However, you can tailor it to your child’s age and the common interests in their group.

Behaviour

As we have already discussed, excitement and sugar can be a dangerous combination. A lot of birthday parties are awash with both. Even if your child is normally well-behaved, they may struggle to make the right choices amid the hullaballoo of a party.

Of course, children are still learning, and messy moments cannot be avoided. To give your child the best chance of making good choices, remind them of behaviour expectations.

Talk to them about food choices, too. It isn’t easy when there is an array of sugar and other children are just dabbing in. A little moderation and some balancing out with savoury can help your child avoid a big sugar high and low.

Can I drop and run?

It is a beautiful thing, when children are old enough to have drop-off parties. However, there will often be times when you aren’t sure if it’s drop-off or if parents are expected to stay. The safest option is always to expect to stay unless it is specifically stated that the party is drop-off, or unless there is a pickup time indicated. If the invite just has the time the party ends plan to stay.

If you are able, offer to help the parent who is hosting. Extra hands to cut cakes, pour juice or dole out party bags are often welcome. As well as modelling kindness to your child, when you help you get to know other parents a little more.

Can I bring a sibling?

Not every parent has childcare to fall back on. For those with multiple children, this can make taking one to a party difficult.

If you need to bring a sibling, ask the hosting parent in advance, and be sure to offer to pay for any costs, or be clear that your other child will be sat to the side watching.

If your child isn’t invited

It is hard to stand in line and watch a child handing out invites pass over your child. It is harder when the child hosting the party is someone your child counts as a friend. I have been there. It pulls a little at your heartstrings when you see the disappointment in your child’s face.

If you struggled socially when you were little it can cut a little deeper. You might relive the times that you were left out when you were a child, and begin to fear you have that your child will go through the same pain.

The thing is, parenting isn’t about shielding your child from difficult moments. Rather it is about helping them cope with them. Children are constantly learning. Use moments like this to help them learn things that are healthy and true.

When your child isn’t invited, let them feel sad. Remind them that everyone is left out sometimes and that is ok. Things aren’t always fair. Keep teaching them to be kind and true to who they are. Most of all trust that they will develop resilience and perspective in time. For these traits to develop it is important they experience rejection at some point.

It’s ok to say no

If your child is in a class where everyone gets invited to every party, it is okay to say no occasionally. You do not need an excuse to say “no.” The need for downtime, self-care, and time at home is real. If you go to 20 children’s birthday parties within a year, it will become about how to survive rather than having fun.

How to survive children’s parties as a host

Planning children’s parties can be fun, but a little stressful at times. Let’s look at a few ways that you can survive children’s birthday parties as a host.

Does it need to be a party?

In the first few years of school, there will be lots of children’s birthday parties for your child to enjoy, and you to survive. Naturally, your child will likely want one too. However, older children are often just as happy doing something fun with their best friends. When there are just a few children to cater for there are so many more activities that you can do, and even with a fancier activity, the price will go down.

It may be worth offering them the choice between a party and a few different activities that you know they would like with one or two friends.

Guest list

Some schools require you to invite the whole class, but if you have the freedom to invite less be kind. Inviting nearly the whole class and leaving out two or three children can cause a lot of hurt for those few left out.

If you are planning a larger party but don’t want to invite everyone, perhaps stick to the children that your child often plays with so there is a natural cutoff.

It is perfectly fine to mix worlds if your child has friends from school, clubs and beyond. Most children are naturally sociable, and love making new friends.

Sending out invitations

Sometimes your only option is to hand out invitations in the class line. It can be worth checking with the class teacher however, as sometimes they are willing to pop invitations into bags for you.

Include an RSVP by date, your details and any requirements that the venue may have.

Since you will probably send the invites out a few weeks in advance, a text the week before checking for any dietary requirements can remind any parents who might have forgotten about the party.

Gift Bags

There are so many fun and original alternatives to cheap plastic toys and sweets for gift bags.

Here are a few ideas:

• Quiet night in theme, with silly socks (from a multipack to keep it to budget), a book and a hot chocolate sachet.
• Ask your child to make a beaded friendship bracelet with each friends name and put it in a little bag with lip gloss and a little hand cream.
• Soft toy adoption- get little teddies or other cuddles for each child with adoption certificates.
• Check out websites where you can buy books in bulk on a budget and wrap one up for each child with their name on it
• Buy each child something to take home and personalise. There are a lot of options out there. Make your own mug kit; build a birdhouse kit etc.
• Find pretty pots and packs of seeds for the children to grow their own flowers at home

Uninvited guests

Whilst it is a good idea to have a spare party bag in case someone forgets to RSVP, you do not need to cater for any uninvited siblings who show up. If you can afford it and you choose to, that is kind, but if your budget doesn’t allow it, it isn’t your responsibility.

You do not have to be confrontational, just be clear. “I’ve prebooked the party children, but if Sally’s sister wants to play too, you can book her in over there. There should be menus too, if you want to order her some food.”

Or, if there isn’t the option to add on children, “I’m afraid the venue is pre-book only, but it will be lovely having Sally’s sister hanging out with us grown-ups today.”

Catering

There are venues that will cater for you, which can take a lot of the pressure off you. Most venues will cater to dietary requirements also.

If you are catering, here are a few options:

• Put out rolls and fillings, along with a few bits to go on the side and let the children make their own sandwich. This is better for older children, who can do more independently.
• Order in pizza. Sometimes simple.
• To reduce waste, make snack boxes. List sandwich fillings on the invite for guests to choose ahead, and make a box for each child with a sandwich, and a few other snacks.
• Make your own pizza. I know, I have listed pizza twice. Pizza is usually popular, and easy to prep. If you are hosting the party at home, prep some pizza bases and let the children add sauce, cheese and topping. Remember to write the child’s name on the baking parchment next to their creation. You will probably have to bake in batches and use foil to keep warm.
• Prep a few different types of pasta and a few different sauces and let the children fill their bowls with their favourites. Although this can be fun, it does require cooking during the party so you might want helpers if you are going this way. Be sure to drizzle the plain pastas with a little bit of olive oil to stop them sticking.
• Roast vegetable salad bar. Just joking. If you get 20 six-year-olds to eat a roast vegetable salad, you are my hero.

Just make sure that you label any allergens clearly if you have a child with dietary requirements.

Depending on budget, you might want to lay out a few snacks and drinks for the adults too, but you don’t have to.

Cake

If you enjoy baking, making your child’s birthday cake can be so much fun, but don’t ever feel guilty if you aren’t able to.

An easier option is to buy a store-bought cake and then personalise it with your own toppings. This could be adding your child’s favourite candy, or using toy figurines to make it themed.

If you are on a tight time limit, cutting and wrapping up cake slices may be difficult. Another option is to pre-wrap cupcakes and take the main cake home as is.

Gifts

I would advise against opening gifts at a party. Firstly, because children can be candid in their reactions. If they love one gift and dislike another they may not be as subtle as we would hope. Secondly, there is the possibility that other children will try to play with their new toys which can lead to tears.

It is safer by far to open gifts after the party, and then either text thank yous, or videos of your child saying thank you to the givers.

If you are hosting the party at a venue be sure to take bags to carry gifts home in.

Final note

There will be a certain amount of stress associated with children’s birthday parties, but you can do more than survive, you can have fun. Or at least enjoy watching your child have fun.

When you teach your child about hygiene, you will probably find that the challenge isn’t showing them how to stay clean. Children are smart, and understand from an early age how teeth brushing, hand soap, and showers work.

The main problem you are likely to encounter is how to teach your child the importance of hygiene. They might know how to shower, or bathe, but they showered already this month, so do they really need to do it again?

Even more so, if you can convince them that being clean is good, motivating them to engage regularly in daily hygiene tasks can be difficult. Knowing how to use a toothbrush is great. Few children race remember every morning and evening.

Why do children avoid basic hygiene tasks?

Most adults like to be clean. Even more so, we don’t want to smell bad. It can be hard to understand how children are so lackadaisical about washing.

So why doesn’t your child like hygiene tasks, and can you teach them to enjoy caring for their bodies?

There are many reasons that children may avoid hygiene tasks. Sometimes it could be related to sensory dislikes, such as not liking the taste of toothpaste, or how cold the bathroom is when they undress for a shower. Often, however, it is just that there are more exciting things to do. There are games to play or pictures to draw. Washing their hands or taking a shower might seem like a chore.

Motivation to stay clean

Adults have a variety of reasons to stay clean. We understand the social ramifications of leaving the house when we are stinky or have dirty clothes. Some of us know people who have lost teeth due to poor oral care, so we have learnt, through observation, the importance of brushing our teeth. We also are good at forward thinking. We know how nice it feels to have just had a shower, or how yucky it feels to wake up in the morning if you haven’t brushed your teeth the night before.

Understanding of socially accepted behaviour, consequences for actions, and logical forward thinking are not skills that your child will have fully developed yet. This means that we need to help them to find the motivation to stay clean.

Reward-based learning

You can encourage this motivation by using rewards-based learning. The great news is your child’s brain is set up to learn this way.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean they get a prize every time they wash their hands. Rather, it is helping them find pleasure in the activity itself. If a child enjoys an activity, or finds pleasure in an act, or the outcome of an act, the brain will release dopamine. Dopamine helps your child’s brain to associate the action with a good feeling. This can help to motivate them to repeat the action. The neurological system in the brain that regulates this reward response is called the mesolimbic system. It can be used to help teach your child motivation for good hygiene.

The problem is that it relies on the child enjoying the hygiene tasks. Often they don’t. On their own, things like washing hands, brushing teeth and washing their face can be boring. To use the mesolimbic system, we need to get creative and add a little fun.

How to teach your child hygiene through fun

If you make hygiene tasks fun in themselves, it will be easier to motivate your child. Of course, there are things that they will have to do, that are not fun at all. This doesn’t mean your child only does things that they enjoy. However, if there is a fun way of doing something, embrace it.

Here are a few ideas:

• Put on a favourite song during shower time, and see if your child can wash their body and hair before the song is up.
• When they are changing for a bath or shower, put the laundry basket just outside the bathroom and challenge them to throw their clothes into the basket.
• Put a 30-second timer on while they are washing their hands, and see how many different animals they can list before the time is up.
• Make teeth brushing part of a silly challenge. You could have a buzzer or silly noise you play on your phone. When it goes, the children have to race to do 3 challenges. For example, brush their teeth for two minutes, do 3 star jumps and finish by picking up toys off their bedroom floor. Just a note on this one, racing against each other might end up in fights. It is often simpler to race children against the clock.

Stack Habits with fun

Some tasks your child will not enjoy, however creative you get with them. You can still use fun or pleasure to instill these habits, but you may have to stack them.

Perhaps your child hates showers. You have tried music, games, and many other things. Nothing will change their mind. If you can’t make the shower fun or pleasurable, stack the habit of the shower with a fun reward after. It could be that you heat a towel on a radiator and as soon as they are out you wrap them up and read them a story while they dry. Maybe they don’t like washing their hands, but you let them use nice hand lotion after.

In time, the understanding that the disliked task will become associated with the reward they get from completing it, and they may find it easier to tolerate.

How to teach your child independence with hygiene

Independence in a child is linked with better mental health, increased confidence and motivation. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, to begin with, giving little ones independence is also slower and messier. It takes time for children to be able to perform hygiene tasks on their own, but with a little patience, they will get there.

Teach your child independent hygiene through scaffolding

There are things that your child can do independently, things that they can do with support and other things they can’t fathom being able to do yet. Scaffold learning is about bridging that gap by working in the zone of proximal development, a fancy way of saying working on things that they can do with support.

https://trainingexpress.org.uk/personal-hygiene-for-kids/To teach your child hygiene through scaffolding, look for little things that they might be able to do with your help. Then start by talking to them while you do the task, narrating what you are doing and why. It might be how you squeeze the right amount of toothpaste onto the brush, or why you are checking if their clothes are clean before they leave the house. Then let them have a go with you by their side. In time they will have that new skill under their belt, and you can move onto a new one. Here are some basic hygiene skills that you can teach to your child.

They will probably need support at the start, and things that are obvious to you won’t be to them.

Remember to aim for progress and not perfection. Be realistic about the fact that it will be messy for a little bit while they learn, and that is okay.

Teach your child hygiene through routine

Routines are fantastic for children. They give a child predictability, but also independence. Children understand what they are expected to do, and when they are expected to do it.. This means that they can do what they need to do, with confidence.

Of course, you don’t need to regiment your whole day. Instead, create pockets of routines for specific times. Wake up routines, and bedtime routines are great ones to add, as well as things like routines for leaving the house, or for before meals.

When you are building routines, keep them simple, and easy to remember.

Offer choice

As adults we often have preferences in regards to soaps, lotions, toothpastes and so on. Where possible, offer your child a choice too. This can help them feel involved, and therefore more motivated in the process. With so many hygiene products on the market it may be easier to ask them to choose between two or three scents, or products so your child isn’t overwhelmed.

You can also offer other choices, such as bath or shower. If they choose bath, do they want bubbles, toys or both.

Children have very little control or agency over their lives. You can’t ever give them complete control. You need to ensure that they are healthy, safe and clean. There is room within those parameters, however, to give them choice.

If your child has a sense of control, they are more likely to engage, thrive and succeed. This an outcome I am sure that you want.

A Final note

Although children don’t naturally crave hygiene, with support they can be taught the how, and the why, of looking after their bodies and staying clean.

It will be frustrating at times. Hang in there. The messy moments will pass. Be patient with them, and have a little fun along the way.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“America’s ToothFairy – 8 Tips and Tricks to Make Brushing Teeth Fun.” Americastoothfairy.org, 2024, www.americastoothfairy.org/news/8-tips-and-tricks-to-make-brushing-teeth-fun. Accessed 12 Mar. 2025.

Arnall, Judy. “When Do Children Understand “Consequences?”” Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, 18 Feb. 2019, judyarnall.com/2019/02/18/when-do-children-understand-consequences/.

Cerino, Anna. “The Importance of Recognising and Promoting Independence in Young Children: The Role of the Environment and the Danish Forest School Approach.” Education 3-13, vol. 51, no. 4, 8 Nov. 2021, pp. 685–694, www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468, https://doi.org/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468.

Hämmerer, Dorothea, and Ben Eppinger. “Dopaminergic and Prefrontal Contributions to Reward-Based Learning and Outcome Monitoring during Child Development and Aging.” Development Psychology, vol. 48, no. 3, 2012, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027342. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Health Direct. “Personal Hygiene for Children.” Healthdirect.gov.au, Healthdirect Australia, 2019, www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene-for-children.

“Hygiene for Toddlers and Children.” Www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/hygiene-for-toddlers-and-children/.

Levine, Alexandra, and Laura Philips. “How to Build Independence in Preschoolers.” Child Mind Institute, 2022, childmind.org/article/how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/.

Lewis, Robert G., et al. “The Brain’s Reward System in Health and Disease.” Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, vol. 1344, no. 1344, 2021, pp. 57–69, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-81147-1_4.

Mitton, Betty L., and Dale B. Harris. “The Development of Responsibility in Children.” The Elementary School Journal, vol. 54, no. 5, Jan. 1954, pp. 268–277, https://doi.org/10.1086/458585.

NHS. “Hygiene.” Cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, 2024, cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/.

Parents League of New York. “Children Need a Sense of Control.” Parents League of New York, 31 Mar. 2020, www.parentsleague.org/blog/children-need-sense-control.

“Why We Should Give Kids More Control over Their Lives and How to Do It.” Www.debbieausburn.com, www.debbieausburn.com/post/why-we-should-give-kids-more-control-over-their-lives-and-how-to-do-it.

Willard, Dr Marcy. “Hygiene in Childhood – Marcy Willard PhD.” Marcy Willard PhD, 25 Oct. 2024, marcywillardphd.com/hygiene-in-childhood/.

Today we will be examining if children can understand the difference between lies and their imagination. If they do, from what age?

We all want our little ones to be truthful. It is important, however, to ensure that our expectations match their development. So let’s look at what cognitive developments may be in play?

The difference between reality and imagination

Before we ask if children understand the difference between lies and imagination, we need to ask if they understand the difference between reality and imagination. This is important, because if a child does not know that what they are saying is not factual, it follows that they are not intentionally lying.

Evidence shows that a child’s perception of reality versus fantasy develops significantly throughout the preschool years and is solidified during their school years.

At the age of two, the line between reality and fantasy is blurry. Toddlers love to pretend play. A stick can be a sword, or a stone a precious gem. Woe to the parent who tries to correct them.

From age three, a child’s understanding of reality is developing, so they will be able to understand more often, what is true and what is pretend. This distinction is not set, however, and they may still get confused at times. Their ability to differentiate fact from fiction will grow as they do.

By the age seven a child is said to enter the logical stage. Of course, not everything a seven-year-old does is logical, which is part of the fun. They can however begin to use logic to work things out, so will develop a clearer understanding of reality.

So to sum up, although an older child can tell the difference between reality and fiction, a younger child may struggle. This can be seen when a young child has a disproportionate response to a television show or book. The stories have become real to them.

How children understand reality

Young children are learning all the time. Facts that we take for granted are revelations to them. They aren’t born knowing things, like that a candle flame is hot. We know it, but left unattended a toddler might come to know this fact the hard way.

As they acquire new information they then try and make sense of it in light of what they already know. So if your little one touches a flame and gets hurt, they may connect that with the fact that they have already learnt, that hurting people is mean. The logical conclusion may then be that the candle is mean.

As well as sometimes making false connections, young children have not yet developed all the skills needed to understand other peoples perspectives and intentions. An example of this is if a friend breaks a favourite toy of theirs. A young child will not ask if it was intentional or accidental. The understanding that intent and desire guide other peoples actions does increase significantly throughout the preschool years, but the ability to fully understand the complexities of other perspectives is something that is still developing into adulthood.

Emotions also play a role in how children understand the world. Children have not yet developed the understanding to be able to adopt a balanced and nuanced view of situations or events. This means that a child’s emotions, combined with their simplistic perception can make them see things in black and white.

Black and White

You may see evidence of this black and white thinking, if your little one had a mishap on an otherwise lovely day out. Perhaps you’ve taken them to the park, they have played with their friends and got treated to an ice cream. Then, in the last five minutes they tripped over and hurt their knee. Up until that moment, they likely thought it was a lovely day. However, the big emotions that hit them when they fell over completely changed their perception of the entire outing. Suddenly, their focus has shifted. The afternoon has been a disaster, and for evidence, they will look back and notice every negative thing that had not bothered them before.

Of course, sometimes it works the other way, and the fun of a situation can override the bad, so that a child will see an afternoon as all positive even if there are moments they didn’t enjoy. This is not absolute, and there are times when young children do see the good and the bad together, but on the whole nuance is something children take a while to acquire.

So, in summary, children’s understanding of reality is something that develops along with them. Imagination can actually help a child to understand the reality around them and fill in the gaps.

Do children understand the difference between lies and imagination

Children as young as three will have a grasp of the concept of lying. It is not uncommon for little ones to lie to try to avoid being in trouble or to get something that they want.

Are there times, however, when children tell lies based on their imagination because they don’t understand the difference? Absolutely. As we have discussed, children’s views of reality can be muddy, and confused with fantasy or daydreaming..

Even when children understand reality, they may find their imaginary world more fun. This does not mean that they are maliciously telling lies. When you hear their tales of the secret bunny who comes and messes up their room while they sleep, or the backflip they did when you weren’t looking, the stories may seem silly. Silliness is part of the fun of children, and it will pass too soon. Do they know that they left the jigsaw pieces all over the floor, not the secret bunny? On some level, of course they do, but the world where a secret bunny is the mischief maker is more exciting.

A blurry line

The line between lies and imagination is not a clear one with little children. In the end it is about intent. Are they trying to hide something for their personal benefit or are they just having fun exploring the world of fantasy? Do they truly misunderstand?

As our little ones grow, they will have a clearer concept of the truth. By the time they are around six years old, they will have a much clearer idea of what reality is. Until then, you can enjoy your little one’s fantasies. Join their world and share the fun. Maybe you could get them to make a sign to remind the secret bunny to be kind and put away toys, because your little one will have to put away any that bunny leaves out. Ask them to draw a picture of the backflip and how their feet “literally touched the ceiling”.

How to help your child tell the truth

Although, there is no harm in your little ones imaginations superseding reality at times, there will also be times where the truth is important.

Help them fact find

As we discussed earlier, sometimes children tell lies because they don’t fully understand reality. Helping the to weigh up what they actually know can be a great learning tool for them.

Spend time discussing the difference between what they know for certain, and what they think they know. Then explore all the possibilities that may be true. You can help them examine different perspectives.

Something that little children are likely to assume is intent. You might hear phrases like, “He knocked over my milk on purpose to be mean!”

You know that the milk spill was a mistake. It does not mean that your child is lying, however. They may truly believe they are the victim of a spill and run with intent. So it is worth helping them examine facts versus assumptions.

Their brothers arm hit the glass of milk and it fell off the table. That much is fact.

That he wanted to spill the milk, is a guess. Can they remember times when they knocked things over by mistake? Did they notice that their brother always moves his arms when he talks? Did they notice that he was looking the other way when the accident happened? How would they feel if they had made a mistake and someone had decided they had meant to do it?

All these questions can help them explore the situation pragmatically, and develop their perception of reality.

Make it easy to be honest

When our children are little the lies that they tell will be usually harmless.

“I didn’t spill my juice. My brother knocked it over.”

“Mummy likes us to have pudding first.”

“Pudding first was Grandmas idea.”

When they are older however, and are facing bigger issues, telling the truth can be much more important. Therefore, if you set the standard early, that honesty will be met with kindness you can create a culture where your children can come to you when they have messed up.

We have a rule in our home. If our children mess up, and tell us honestly what they have done, we will get alongside them and help them fix it. This doesn’t mean that they avoid the consequences of their actions, but we help them navigate the consequences and come out stronger. It means choosing discipline over punishment.

It does not mean that children can get a free pass. If they have made wrong choices they have to make things right again. However, they should never be scared of us.

An example of this could be, your youngest child was saving a cupcake and it magically disappeared. You know it wasn’t magic, especially because your oldest child has blue icing on their cheek.

If they are honest, and you shout at them, guilt them, give them a big punishment, and then spend the week telling your friends over tea at playdates what a little pain in the bum they are there is a strong chance they will not choose to tell the truth again.

Instead, talk to them about how their actions affected their sister and ask them to bake more cakes or use their money to replace the one they stole It would be entirely appropriate to ban screen time or treats until they have fixed this so that they understand it is a priority. Once they have apologised, fixed it, and you know they understand to make better choices in the future, move on.

Role play to increase empathy

Empathy is a skill that is developed throughout childhood, and is therefore usually underdeveloped in little children. Sometimes they may tell a lie because it benefits them, and will not consider how the lie affects other people.

When I was a little girl, about seven years old, I cut my hand playing with scissors. I wasn’t allowed to play with scissors and knew that I would be in trouble, but I couldn’t hide the blood. So, I told my mum that my brother had been playing with scissors and had hurt me. Of course, my brother got a rollicking, and I got sympathy.

You will be glad to know that my conscience got the best of me and I confessed. I confessed to both my brother and mum over a bottle of wine when I was about 27, but still, I did the right thing eventually.

Looking back, it must have been horrid for my brother. He was minding his own business, not even thinking about scissors when he got all the wrath that my actions had incurred.

If you catch your little one telling lies at other people’s expense, get them to take a few minutes sitting and pretending to be the person who was hurt by the lie. Please don’t just leave them there feeling bad though. Sit with them after and talk about the right choices that they can make to fix anything that needs fixing.

Give them the space and time to make the right choice

When children feel threatened or scared, they often make easier choices rather than right choices. They act on impulse, and for survival. This is because, when a child is threatened or scared, the downstairs brain will be in control.

If you are unfamiliar with the concept of the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is an article which describes it in more detail. The basis is that the downstairs brain is the first to develop, and is instinctive, initiating the fight or flight response when threatened. If a child goes into fight or flight, the upstairs brain is no longer in control. This is a problem because the upstairs brain controls skills like empathy, reasoning, and logic, which your child needs to make good choices.

If you catch your child in a lie, and stand over them demanding they tell you the truth right then and there, or else, then the downstairs brain will kick in. Sometimes it may be worth letting your child know that you are aware of the truth, and ask them to come and talk to you by the end of the day. Make sure that there are times to talk with no one else around. As an adult, if we make a mistake or a wrong choice, we have the privacy and space to work it out privately, or one-on-one with anyone else involved. Children deserve this too.

A final note

Although young children do not always understand the difference between lies and imagination, they will do soon enough, so enjoy the days when their world may be a little more whimsical.

Older children do know the difference, but it is still not uncommon for them to lie. When they do, stay calm and kind. Lying is a stage most children go through. If we handle it right, hopefully they will feel safe telling us the truth when they are older and make mistakes.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

Many parents struggle to overcome school avoidance. If it is a battle right now, you are not alone.

The fact that it is a common issue is, sadly, a small consolation when school drop-off is in five minutes and your child refuses to put on their shoes.

Today we will look at some proactive ways that you can work with your child who fights going to school school.

Why children avoid school

Although it looks like defiance, school avoidance is usually a result of anxiety. The cause of the anxiety will vary from child to child, so when overcoming school avoidance it helps to try and work out is upsetting them.

The causes of school-related anxiety could be related to personality clashes with other students or with staff. Perhaps they feel out of depth with the work, or the work is too easy for them. Classrooms are noisy places which some little ones find overwhelming. Separation anxiety can be a factor also.

When you understand the root cause of the issue, you will be in a stronger place to find solutions. Remember, like us, some children may not understand how they feel. Be patient if you don’t get an answer right away. Try talking about different parts of the day, or different aspects of school and help them to explore their emotions.

5 Ways to overcome school avoidance

As we have just discussed, there are different reasons why children may avoid school. Not every one of these solutions will work for every situation. Hopefully one or two will make things a little easier for you.

1. Implement before-school and after-school routines to ground your child

Routines can be grounding and comforting to children, as well as to adults. If they are struggling , adding some structure to the lead up to school can be beneficial.

I would avoid using the screen before school as it can be hard to pull your little one away from it.

It can help to have a buffer between changing into their uniform and walking out the door, so they have a few moments to themselves. You could use these to read to them, let them do some colouring or have a snack.

When they get home, make sure that there are a few moments to decompress. Perhaps set out a few favourite toys and another snack. These moments can help your child to navigate the day and feel a little bit more secure.

2. Ask your teacher to make a visual timetable for your child

School days can be busy, and you little one might feel a little lost in all the going on around them.

Having a visual timetable can help them know what is going to happen throughout the day. This can increase there feeling of security.

Of course things change, and so it is important that your little one knows that these are just things that will probably happen. Reassure them that if things they will be okay.

3. Help them mentally reframe school

It is common for children who are anxious to spend time thinking about their fears or worries. Adults do it too. Although it is a natural response, it can increase fear and anxiety as all of the focus is on the negative.

A simple way to pull them out of this is to help them actively look for positive things about school.

Set them a challenge. Ask them to pay attention throughout the day. Ask them to come home ready to tell you one of the following:

• Something they enjoyed
• Something interesting that they learnt
• Something they did kind
• Something someone else did kind
• Something they are proud of

They receive a point for everything good that they can tell you at the end of the day. 50 points earns a prize. You might want to limit them to 3 things per day, to ensure that they are really noticing and paying attention to what they are saying.

Make sure that they know they can still talk about things that they found sad, scary or hard. It is important to talk about those things too. This is just about balancing the picture a little and helping them see the good things that happen at school.

3. Role play to help them manage situations

If your child is struggling with relationships at school, take some time to role play conversations at home. School exposes children to lots of new personalities and situations. Having ideas of what they can do to navigate them can help them feel equipped and more confident going into the day.

This may mean teaching them how to speak up for themselves or resolve conflict. Sometimes it may be teaching them how to walk away and keep their peace.

It is worth noting that it isn’t always other children that they will struggle with. Sometimes teachers can have very different personalities to the caregivers children have grown up with. Helping them to respectfully ask for help, or explain when things are difficult, can be a great help.

4. Give them a connection point

We are our children’s safe place. When we aren’t there to run to it can be scary. Sometimes a little token can help them feel connected to us throughout the day.

It doesn’t have to be something big. You could make a friendship bracelet to remind them that you are always in their corner. Maybe draw a dot on both of your fingers and tell them to press it when they miss you. Whatever you choose to do, let them know it is a visual sign of the constant truth. You love them, and their connection to you is secure, even if they can’t see you.

5. Calm down meditations

As we discussed before, anxiety is often behind school avoidance. If we overcome their anxiety it will have a big impact.

When their little minds are busy, meditation is a great tool to help them find their peace and quiet their thoughts.

Meditation and mindfulness have been proven to have a positive effect on reducing anxiety and increasing a child’s well-being.

There are mindfulness cards that you can invest in, or guided meditations on YouTube. Teach them how to use mindful breathing to ground themselves throughout the day.

Well-mental has a great video aimed at children

Support for helping children overcome school avoidance

If you have tried everything, but every day is still a battle, there is no shame in asking for help. Working to overcome school avoidance is hard. Teachers or specialised staff at your child’s school are likely to have training that can help.

If you have more than one child, maybe a friend or family would be able to help with the other children’s drop-offs on the messier days.

Many parents will have gone through the same battle, and are likely happy to help.

A final note

When you are trying to overcome school avoidance, it may feel like an uphill battle. It is emotional, exhausting and frustrating. Remember that it will pass. Remember to look after yourself.

References

Garey, Juliann. “The Power of Mindfulness.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/the-power-of-mindfulness/.

Rutherford, Marion, et al. Pupils’ Views on Visual Timetables and Labels in Mainstream Primary Classrooms. 2020.

Wilson, Nina A, et al. “Role of Meditation to Improve Children’s Health: Time to Look at Other Strategies.” Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, vol. 57, no. 2, 20 Nov. 2020, https://doi.org/10.1111/jpc.15275.

Young Minds. “School Anxiety and Refusal | Parents’ Guide to Support.” YoungMinds, 2024, www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/school-anxiety-and-refusal/. Accessed 19 Feb. 2025.

Twinkl.co.uk, 2022, www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/5-benefits-of-visual-schedules-in-the-classroom.

Many mothers will receive advice on breastfeeding, but not how to express breast milk. Expressing breast milk can be incredibly useful.

Juggling breastfeeding with modern life can be difficult. Giving others the ability to feed the baby can take the pressure off the new mum.

For some, breastfeeding is too difficult or painful. Expressing may be the only way to offer breastmilk to their baby.

How to express breast milk

There are three main ways to express breast milk. These are by hand, by manual pump and by electric pump.

Expressing by Hand

Expressing by hand has two main benefits. Firstly, you are not dependent on electricity, so you will have more flexibility about where you pump. Secondly, it is a lot quieter so if you have people in the rooms surrounding you it may feel more comfortable and private.

The downside to hand expressing is that it takes longer, and isn’t as effective at stimulating milk supply as an electric pump.

If you are just trying to remove excess milk, or get your milk flow moving to help your baby to breastfeed then hand expressing can be effective. If you are trying to exclusively express, I would recommend using a pump.

Expressing using a manual pump

Most manual breast pumps are simple to use. They have a handle that you squeeze and release to pump. They are also usually lightweight and quiet, which can be beneficial for pumping out and about. Unfortunately, they are still not as efficient as an electric pump. Again, if you are exclusively expressing, you may want to invest in an electric pump.

Expressing using an electric pump

Electric pumps are noisy, and sometimes, mains-operated meaning you have to sit near a plug to pump. However, they often manage to pump more milk in less time. Some brands are designed to mimic a baby’s suckling in pressure and rhythm. This can help stimulate milk production which will be beneficial in the long term.

As your baby begins to grow they will need more milk. If you are trying to keep up with the increasing demand exclusively by expressing breast milk, how long it takes you to pump can become an issue. An electric pump may reduce this time, and leave you more time to enjoy being with your little one.

How to store breast milk?

You don’t have to use your milk immediately. It can last a little while if stored correctly.

If you are storing your breast milk, you must keep it in a sterile environment. This might be a container that you have sterilised or a milk storage bag. It is important to label your milk, so you know when it was pumped.

In the fridge

The amount of time that you can store breast milk in the fridge will depend on the fridge’s temperature. Here is a guide to checking the temperature of your fridge.

According to the NHS, if your fridge is under 4C you can use it to store breast milk for eight days. If your fridge is over 4C that shortens to three days.

In the freezer

If you have excess breast milk, you can also store it in the freezer. Frozen breast milk is good for up to six months.

You can defrost breast milk overnight in the fridge when you are ready to use. It should defrost in about twelve hours. If you need it a little faster, place it in a bowl of warm water for 20 minutes, or ten minutes under running warm water. If you are using warm water to defrost breast milk, be sure that your container is properly sealed first.

Once it is defrosted the milk can be stored for 24 hours in the fridge.

Out and about

It is true, that breastfeeding is the most convenient method of feeding for when you are out and about. However, with a little pre-planning, you can feed your little one expressed milk on the go, without too much hassle.

Before you take your breast milk out with you, fully chill it in a fridge. You can then store it in a cool bag filled with ice bags for up to 24 hours.

We will look at expressing on the go in more detail further down.

How to exclusively express breast milk for baby

Exclusively expressing breast milk for your little one is doable. Not easy, but doable. If breastfeeding is not possible, but you want to give your little one the benefits of breast milk this may be an option that you want to consider.

I exclusively breast fed for about two weeks. My friend managed for six months, which I think is heroic. Though it is hard, there are ways to make it manageable and find a life away from the pump. Here are a few things I learnt along the way, which I hope will help.

What do you need to get started?

Before you begin, these are the things that are worth investing in if you want to exclusively pump.

• Breast Pump– I would recommend using an electric pump. Medela is always a great brand, as is Philips.
• Steriliser- Sure, you can sterilise a bottle in boiling water, a sterilising machine is a game changer, as you will be pumping and feeding multiple times a day.
• Milk bags and storage containers- The amount your little one feeds will fluctuate from day to day. It is always a good idea to try and accumulate a back up supply. This should be properly stored (see above) and labelled.
• Cool bag and ice packs– Choose something small and portable. I actually used a thermal lunch bag rather than a cool bag, as it fitted in my nappy bag.
• Bottles- You will want at least 6 bottles so that you can sterilise between feeds.
• Notebook and pen- This is to track how much you are feeding and how much baby is drinking.

Some great options for electric pumps

How often to pump?

Your body makes breast milk on demand, so the more that you pump, the more your body will produce. This means that to establish a strong supply, you need to pump at least 8 times a day, though twelve would be ideal.

You should aim to pump at least once between 2am and 5am. This is because the prolactin hormones which facilitate milk production are higher at night.

Mimicking cluster feeding

Cluster feeding is a baby’s way of telling our body that there is not enough milk. They will feed till the milk is down to just a trickle, then come off and go on again a few minutes after. They repeat this pattern for a few hours and our body’s will register that there more milk is needed.

You can mimic this to increase milk production using a method called power pumping.

Power pumping is when you alternate pumping with resting over an hour or two. You can begin with your first pump till your milk has slowed down and you are just getting drips. Stop pumping, and rest for ten minutes. Pump again for ten minutes, then move to five minutes pumping and five minutes resting.

How to juggle pumping and a newborn

The amount of time that you spend pumping can feel overwhelming. Especially when you have a newborn to look after too.

When you are pumping you may find that your baby wants to feed. If you can manage pumping and feeding at the same, that is wonderful, but it is not easy.

Wearable pumps have come along way, but are expensive and not always a perfect solution. You have to be careful not to bend over whilst you are wearing them.

At the end of the day, juggling pumping and childcare is not easy, so be kind to yourself and accept any help that other people may offer.

Pumping out and about

It is possible to express on the go. The increase in the amount of nursing rooms in town centres is a real asset.

If you are visiting friends, it is worth asking ahead if there is somewhere that you can pump for a few minutes. This will give them the chance to clear an area for you if needed.

Milk will keep in a bag with ice blocks for up to 24 hours. Use sterilised bottles to store the milk in your cool bag so it is ready when you need it. It is worth packing a spare sterile teat as a back up.

If you are out long enough to have to pump, and feed more than once, use the pumped milk first. The milk from the fridge will keep for longer as it was chilled when it was put into the cool bag. It is worth having a marker in the bag so that you can label which is fresh milk and which is chilled.

Tracking feeds

With the exhausting blur of new parenthood, it can be difficult to gauge how much baby is drinking and how much you are pumping in comparison. This is something you really need to know. If baby is drinking more milk than you are pumping, acting early to try and increase milk supply can help you stay ahead.

A simple method for this is to use a notebook. Every day log every pump or feed, along with the time and how much baby drank or you pumped. At the end of the day add up the total off each.

Whilst tracking feeds, keep an eye out for patterns. If there is a particular time of day where you are getting less milk, you may want to try power pumping during those hours to increase supply

A final note

Expressing is not easy. Remember that it will not be forever, and hang in there.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

There are so many great books to read to a child. We will only be looking at only a small selection today. Ten children’s books, old and new, that you can share with your little ones.

Choosing age appropriate reads

These books are aimed at a variety of ages and reading levels.

Use trial and error to determine which books your child can understand. Don’t be scared to introduce them to trickier books than they are used to.

If your child is not engaged, it might be because the plot or characters are too complex for where they are right now. Checking in with your child occasionally, and talking about the story, will help you gauge how much they are following.

Whether the content is age-appropriate is a different matter. There is much debate about whether you should censor what your children read. Reading can be a great way for children to begin exploring the bigger topics from a safe distance. Of course, discretion is important. A six-year-old, no matter their reading level, shouldn’t be reading a horror book.

As children age and become more independent, however, allow them to read what they feel they can handle. Keep an open dialogue. Often, a book can offer a gateway to discussing important issues.

Great books to read to your child

There are so many books out there, that I had to limit the scope. Therefore, I have only included chapter books. I have also cheated slightly and listed a few series.

There are of course many amazing shorter books for younger readers. I hope to explore these at a later time.

Recommended age: 5-8 years

This is a beautiful story of kindness and friendship. It tells of a prince, or rather, the statue of one. The prince loves the people of his city, more than his own vanity. With the help of a swallow, he gives all he has to help the poor people he has seen around him.

Written in the late 19th century, the message is still relevant.

It is often published alongside Wilde’s other children’s stories, which are just as beautiful, such as “The Selfish Giant.”

Recommended age: 5-8 years

Jill Tomlinson is probably best known for ‘The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark.’ ‘The Cat Who Wanted to Go Home’ is another beautiful story from her animal collection.

The main character, Suzy, lives with a fisherman and his four boys in a little seaside village in France. When she accidentally crosses the channel in a hot air balloon, Suzy will do all it takes to get back home to the family that she loves.

This story would be a great choice for any little animal lover. The short chapters, and little repetitions also make it perfect for younger readers.

Recommended age: 7-10 years

It is impossible to list the greatest children’s books without including something by David Walliams. Walliams is a master at mixing humour with wonderful storytelling.

In ‘The Boy in the Dress’, we meet Dennis. Living with his father and brother, Dennis has to hide his love for fashion. That is till he develops a friendship with Lisa, a want-to-be designer, who encourages him to step outside of the box and have fun.

As well as being a cracker of a story, it makes an easy World Book Day costume.

Recommended age: 9-12 years

This is another older one, originally having been published in 1905. Don’t be put off by it’s age. Like many of the older classics, this is still a great book to read to a child.

The Railway Children follows the lives of three children. After their father is mysteriously called away, they are told they have to leave their home and move to a cottage with their mother.

Their new home is near a railway, where the children soon spend most of their days, making friends and having adventures.

The story is both uplifting and fun. It is a classic for a reason. Very much worth a read.

Recommended age: 7-9 years

Some of the greatest books I read as a child were by Roald Dahl. He writes funny and engaging stories that little people love. In fact, I could have easily filled this list with just the works of Dahl and Blyton.

‘Danny the Champion of the World’ is about a father and a son. When Danny realises that his dad is a long-time poacher, he wants to go poaching, too.

The plot is quite simple, but the characters are so cleverly portrayed, that this book truly is a gem. On a personal note, this may be my favourite thing that Dahl wrote.

Recommended age: 8 to 12 years

This is where I start to cheat slightly. This is not one, but 13 great books to read to your child.

The first page of the first book will warn you that this is not a series about happy endings. There is loss and sadness in all of the books. They are, however, wonderful stories.

Snicket has a distinct writing style and a dry sense of humour, which I am sure many adults will enjoy, too. He also takes the time to add definitions to words that children might not know.

Recommended age: 7-12 years

Again, this is a series rather than an individual book. The Chronicles of Narnia has been a classic for years.

Lewis takes his readers to Narnia, a world of magic and adventure, where children are kings, queens and heroes.

The Chronicles of Narnia were the first chapter books that I read independently as a child, and will always have a special place in my heart.

If Aslan was part of your world growing up, too, sharing this series with your little one may feel like sharing a bit of your childhood.

Recommended age: 5-8 years

Enid Blyton has got so many great child-level books, that you could probably read just her work for a year and not get through it all.

The wonder of Enid Blyton is that, despite the amount she has written, she doesn’t have a bad book out there. Or if she does, I am yet to find it.

The Faraway Tree collection is a great book for younger children. They meet fantastical characters like Silky the fairy, The Saucepan Man and Moonface whilst exploring the different worlds that arrive at the top of the tree.

Recommended age: 8 years +

The Harry Potter books were what moved me to include series in this list. Although you can read each book alone, they are best read as a series.

Although some of the themes throughout the series are a little darker, the depth and complexity of the characters is brilliant. The Potter books are a great choice to read to a slightly older child. The world of Hogwarts, along with the excitement and danger, offers a way to embrace the places between black and white.

Recommended age: 9 years +

‘Goodnight Mister Tom’ is the story of an eight-year-old boy Willie. Willie is evacuated during World War Two, and finds friendship and kindness in his new guardian, Mister Tom.

This is a fantastic read for any child with an interest in history. It is heartwarming, moving and full of hope.

Why you should read to your child

Reading with children is more than just a way to pass the time. It can be a bonding experience and has a wealth of developmental benefits for your child.

A child who is read to will have a greater vocabulary and be more linguistically developed. Books can also help a child with their cognitive, social and emotional development. (Sheldon-Dean, 2023)

Most importantly, reading can be a lot of fun, and help build beautiful memories with your little one.

How to find other great children’s books

There are millions of children’s books out there. The choice can seem overwhelming.

There are, however, some fun ways to hunt out new books. You could take your child to a charity shop or second-hand book shop and see if they find any new books that they want to pick up.

Perhaps you could organise a book swap with some of their friends.

There are also some more inclusive children’s book lists which are worth checking out, like this one.

Final note

Whatever you read, enjoy it.

I would love to hear about your favourite book or author. Feel free to leave a comment below.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Culture, B. B. C. “The 100 Greatest Children’s Books of All Time.” Www.bbc.com, 23 May 2023, www.bbc.com/culture/article/20230522-the-100-greatest-childrens-books-of-all-time.

Hentschel, Ronel. “How Books Can Help You Read between the Lines with Children’s Emotions.” Washington Parent, 27 Jan. 2024, washingtonparent.com/how-books-can-help-you-read-between-the-lines-with-childrens-emotions/.

Sheldon-Dean, Hannah . “Why Is It Important to Read to Your Child?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 19 Jan. 2023, childmind.org/article/why-is-it-important-to-read-to-your-child/.

Vissing, Yvonne, and Melissa Juchniewicz. “Children’s Book Banning, Censorship and Human Rights.” Globalisation, Comparative Education and Policy Research, 2023, pp. 181–201, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-15896-4_12. Accessed 9 Feb. 2023.