Society labels breastfeeding as the natural choice. Therefore, many mothers feel like it should come naturally. They are often frustrated when they find that they are struggling to breastfeed. 

When breastfeeding doesn’t work, we can feel like there is something wrong with us as mothers.   Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Breastfeeding struggles are common.   According to a 2019 study, 70.3% of mothers experience difficulties of some sort and 80% stop breastfeeding earlier than they want to. (Gianni et al., 2019)

Are the benefits of breastfeeding worth the battles?  What can be done to overcome some of the most common difficulties?

Benefits formula feeding

Breastfeeding is pushed hard in the UK.  This is often to the extreme of shaming mothers who choose to formula feed.  No parent trying to feed their child should ever be shamed.  

Yes, breastfeeding has benefits.   So does formula milk.

• A baby fed with formula can be fed by anyone, anywhere.  This can mean more bonding opportunities for Daddy, or other family members, and more sleep for Mummy.
• It can be easier to establish a routine with formula-fed babies.  Partly because they don’t need to cluster feed to increase milk supply, and partly because formula milk takes longer to digest so the baby can wait longer between feeds.  (Shaw, 2012)
• If breastfeeding is causing stress, opting for an option that works can improve your mental health.  Some would call it noble to sacrifice your mental health to breastfeed. However, if you are mentally and emotionally well, it will be a huge asset to your little one. (Modak et al., 2023)
•   You can make eye contact with your baby while you feed them by bottle.  It is a beautiful thing, to feed your baby with your eyes locked in theirs. 

Benefits of breastfeeding

Despite my strong conviction that no mother should be forced to breastfeed, there is no denying that breastfeeding can have many physical and emotional benefits for both baby and mother.

• Breast milk can boost a baby’s immunity to infections and viruses.
• Breastfeeding has been shown to lower a mother’s risk of some medical conditions, such as breast cancer and osteoporosis. (NHS, 2023)
• Breastfed babies have been shown to have better academic and health outcomes later in life. (World Health Organization (WHO, 2023.)
• Breastfeeding releases oxytocin, a chemical linked with emotional bonding and well-being.   This means that a breastfeeding mother has a lower chance of postnatal depression.

When you are struggling to breastfeed

Different issues that can cause struggles with breastfeeding. Let’s look at the most common problems and how to tackle them.

If you are still struggling, check what breastfeeding support is available in your area. A lactation support team may be able to spend time alongside you, providing support.

Pain when breastfeeding

This is one of the most common issues.   It can be caused by:

Poor latch– A poor latch can cause pain and damage to the nipple.  If your baby is slurping during the feed, or your nipple is misshaped after a feed, this could be the cause.  (“Pain: If Breastfeeding Hurts”, 2024)

If you believe you are experiencing pain due to a poor latch, check out this guide on improving your baby’s latch.

Used correctly nipple shields can also support a healthy and comfortable latch.   We will look at nipple shields in more detail later.

Mastitis/ nipple thrush– Mastitis is when your breast becomes infected.  It can lead to swelling and redness.  When you have mastitis you may feel a burning in your breast and have flu symptoms. (NHS Choices, 2019) 

Thrush is caused by candida fungus.  If your nipples are cracked the fungus can enter your nipple or breast causing pain. 

For either mastitis or thrush, seek medical advice promptly.  You can continue breastfeeding, although it may be painful.   With thrush, your baby will also be treated.  The treatment is safe for your baby.  (NHS, “Breastfeeding and Thrush”, 2020)

Engorgement–  It is normal for a lot of milk to come on day three.  This will settle down in time.  At first, however, your breasts can become overly full, which can cause pain.  

It can be difficult for your baby to latch if you are engorged. Expressing till your breasts feel softer can help this.  A breast pump is useful, but you can also hand express.

You can place ice on your breasts for 20 minutes between feeds to reduce swelling.   A warm cloth before feeds can help encourage your letdown. 

Baby routes for the breast and then pulls away

This is a frustrating issue. Your baby is crying for food and showing all the hunger signs.  You put them to the breast. They suckle a second before pulling away and crying for milk again.  

There are three common causes of this.

Pain from trapped wind– If your baby has trapped wind, being in a reclined position to feed can hurt.  If you are unsure how to release trapped wind, here is a guide.

Too strong of a release– too much milk at once can be hard for a little mouth to handle.   This is a common issue in the first few weeks before your milk supply has settled down.  Try expressing a little excess milk, to reduce the flow and make it manageable for your baby. (https://www.facebook.com/parents, 2015)

Milk is coming too slowly– A hungry baby may not have the patience or understanding to keep suckling until your milk comes.

The hormone which controls the release of milk is oxytocin.  Oxytocin is released during times of bonding, which is perhaps why it is so integral to breastfeeding. (World Health Organization, 2009)

Oxytocin is also more likely to be released when you feel relaxed and calm, which is not always the case when you have a young baby.  This can mean that if you are feeling tired, stressed and a little bit edgy, then you might find your milk is a little slower coming.   Although common advice for this issue is to simply relax more, when you have a hungry baby screaming at you for food it can be difficult to soothe your nerves.   It may be more useful to try hand expressing until your milk begins to flow. Put your baby onto feed when the milk is comin.

Baby’s mouth slides off the breast

In the early days, your breast may be swollen from too much milk.  This swelling can make it difficult for your baby to latch properly.   This is often an issue that time will fix.  As your supply syncs to your baby’s needs swelling will stop and your baby will be able to latch and feed much more easily.  Until that happens, you may want to express a little excess milk before each feed to help. (Lois, 2016)

Low Milk Supply

Feeding on your baby’s cues rather than a schedule can help your milk production keep up with a babies growing needs.

Your body makes milk to demand.  Every breastfeed stimulates milk production.   If there is not enough milk, your baby will feed till there’s only a trickle.  Then your baby may become frustrated and stop feeding but want to feed again a few minutes later.   This is called cluster feeding and will pass.  Cluster feeding tells your body there wasn’t enough milk, please make more. 

It also works the other way.  If your baby takes less milk or misses a feed, milk supply will slow down to meet the decreasing demand.  (https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite)

Anything that reduces the amount you feed can harm your milk supply.   If you are away from your baby or top up with formula, expressing can boost milk production.

As well as how much you feed, the time you feed is also important.

Night-time feeds are more effective at boosting supply than daytime ones.   The prolactin hormones which help your body to lactate are higher at night than they are during the day.  (“Prolactin | South Tees Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust”)  It is worth feeding at night if you are struggling with supply.   If your baby has started to sleep through the night, I would be loathe to stop a good thing.   You can express at night, which will still be beneficial for milk production, and doesn’t require settling a little one afterwards. 

Other things that can help with milk production are resting when you can, eating enough yourself and staying hydrated.

If you have a persistent issue with low milk supply or worry your baby is not feeding enough talk to a healthcare worker to get support.

Feeding stations

One thing that can help is to make a feeding station.   You will spend a lot of time feeding, so having somewhere that is comfortable to sit can be a boost.  Make it somewhere comfortable where you have a table or shelf near where you can store things next to you that you might want during feeds.  Stock the area with snacks, a full bottle of water and some sort of entertainment.   I was lucky with my second that the position she fed in meant I could read with a spare hand, with my first my feeding station was near a television as I didn’t have free hands.

Baby falls asleep during feeds

This is an issue that is more common during the first few weeks.  Sometimes little eyes just can’t stay open.   Often this isn’t a problem, but if it gets to the point where your baby isn’t getting enough food it can become a concern.

When should you worry?  Sleepy feeds are only an issue if your baby is not getting enough milk.  You can gauge how much your baby is feeding by looking at nappy output. You should be seeing between four and six wet nappies and three to four dirty nappies a day for a little one. (Wisner, 2021) 

One technique that you can use to help your baby stay awake for feeds is to switch them from one side to the other when they begin to look like they are nodding off.  This can give them the little nudge that they need to keep them awake.  

Other things like stripping your baby down to a nappy can help.  Sometimes a baby can sleep when milk flow slows down so hand expressing can increase the flow and keep your baby engaged in feeding. (“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics”)

Baby gets distracted

This is an issue that you are more likely to come across with an older baby.  As our little ones begin to engage with the world around them, they can struggle to focus during feeds and rather become drawn into all the exciting things happening around them.

There are a few simple fixes to this.  The most obvious is to move somewhere quiet and with as few distractions as possible, though this isn’t always possible.  Another simple solution is to invest in a feeding cover.   Some women choose to wear feeding covers for modesty, but they can also be great for keeping babies focused on the task at hand if they are easily distracted.

Try not to worry too much.  A baby won’t starve themselves.  It may be that the quieter night feeds become more substantial, whilst the daytime feeds when there are more interesting things going on, become smaller.  That is okay.

Nipple shields

Nipple shields can be fantastic if used correctly.  A lot of the time you will find healthcare workers are nervous to recommend them.    This is because if they are used incorrectly, they can cause a baby to latch badly, and the poor latch can impact how well they stimulate milk production during feeds.

How to use nipple shields correctly

If you are using nipple shields, ensure that your baby is latched to the base, and is keeping a wide mouth.   Some babies may try to suckle from the tip like a bottle;  If you notice this, try putting a little pressure on babies head to move them lower down the shield and into a proper latch.

How you put on the shield can also have an impact on how well your baby feeds with it.  The medulla nipple shields are designed to be inverted before use to draw in more of the nipple and ensure your baby is latching to a larger area.   Here is a link that explains how to wear a nipple shield. (chris, 2015)

 I personally found the medela shields to be excellent.  They helped to reduce the pain of feeding a lot during both my breastfeeding journeys.

How to wean off using nipple shields

As your baby grows, feeding often becomes easier and you can start to move away from nipple shields.  

When you are ready to stop using your nipple shield, start by using it for the first part of each feed, then remove it.  Latch with the shield as usual. After a few minutes, when your baby is happily feeding, try to slide the shield off and relatch your baby.  It may take a few goes, but in time they will learn to relatch without the shield.  Once you have done a few feeds removing the shield part way through, you can try to start a feed without the shield.

Feeding out and about

Feeding in front of other people is different for every person.  Some people are perfectly comfortable with it, but for others, it can be a cause of great anxiety.   At the end of the day, you need to be happy.  Don’t let other people make you feel guilty about feeding out and about if that is your choice.   Likewise, if you don’t feel comfortable feeding in front of others don’t feel like you must.

A few Tips

Look out for feeding rooms: A growing number of shopping centres and department stores provide nursing areas for mothers.  These can provide somewhere to sit, and privacy if you want it for breastfeeding.   It is worth looking online to see what places are available in case you need them.

Layers are your friend: I was comfortable feeding in front of others. However, I preferred to show as little skin as possible.  Layers helped.  I would wear a stretchy tank top underneath a baggy t-shirt, with a feeding bra underneath.   Before latching, I would reach beneath my t-shirt to unfasten the bra and pull my tank top underneath the breast.  I would then lift the baby to the breast while lifting the baggy t-shirt. Baby will keep the breast covered.   It took a little practice, but in time it became an easy way to feed modestly. If you have a mishap don’t worry.  You are a human, who is keeping another human alive with your body.  Be proud to be you.

When to stop breastfeeding

Experts recommend trying to breastfeed for at least 6 months if you can. (“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop”, 2012)  It is, of course, a personal choice.  Some people find breastfeeding too much pressure, as it means that they always have to be within close proximity to the baby, and aren’t able to let friends and family support as much as they would like.  Others enjoy breastfeeding and want to continue as long as possible.

You will probably know for yourself when it is right to move.   With my firstborn, there came a point where he was losing interest in feeding so stopping was natural.  With my second, she struggled to settle without night feeds so I continued those till about 15 months.  Find what works for you, and don’t feel pressured either way.

Breastfeeding during the first six months is the most beneficial. After that, there is growing evidence that it can still be beneficial.  (Wisner, “Extended Breastfeeding: Can You Nurse for Too Long?”, 2020)

When you have been struggling to breastfeed and can’t continue

The first few months of being a parent are challenging mentally, physically and emotionally.   When you are already worn down struggling to breastfeed can be a devastating blow.   You might feel like breastfeeding is part of what you picture when you envision life with a newborn. If you have to move to formaula it is natural to feel sad, even angry, to find that you have been robbed of that.

Unfortunately, sometimes things in life we want to change are unchangeable.   When that happens, it is okay to be sad. It’s ok to spend a little time mourning the motherhood journey that you were envisaging.  But please don’t stay there.  Your little one will grow faster than you could ever imagine. You don’t want these early days to be dominated by sadness. 

If you are a mother who has been struggling to breast feed, and moved onto formula, you may feel out of control. However, there are things that you can still control. 

Firstly, remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.  Just because other people can physically feed your baby, you don’t need to let them.

 The beautiful thing about bottle feeding is that you can look into your baby’s eyes. This is a physical impossibility with breastfeeding.  Perhaps create a personalised playlist for some of your feeds. Make a special feeding place, and bond with your baby through feeds in your own unique way. Remember this too shall pass, choose to make it beautiful.

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

Should I eat cake if I am formula feeding

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

A Final note

Breastfeeding is an extensive and deeply personal topic.   We have looked at a little of the science behind fixing common problems and a few practical tips.  There is so much more information out there if you do want to know more. 

The most important thing to remember is, that while you care for your baby you should care for yourself too.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop.” Vic.gov.au, 2012, www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/breastfeeding-deciding-when-to-stop.

chris. “Nipple Shields.” La Leche League GB, 4 Dec. 2015, laleche.org.uk/nipple-shields/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

Gianni, Maria, et al. “Breastfeeding Difficulties and Risk for Early Breastfeeding Cessation.” Nutrients, vol. 11, no. 10, 20 Sept. 2019, p. 2266, www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/11/10/2266, https://doi.org/10.3390/nu11102266.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Milk Supply – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-challenges/milk-supply/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Is It Normal for My Baby to Twist and Pull While Breastfeeding?” Parents, 2015, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/is-it-normal-for-my-baby-to-squirm-while-nursing/, https://doi.org/10.1089/bfm.2019.29141. Accessed 14 Jan. 2025.

“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics.” Happy Family Organics, www.happyfamilyorganics.com/learning-center/article/how-to-keep-your-baby-awake-during-feedings/.

lois. “Engorged Breasts – Avoiding and Treating.” La Leche League GB, 28 Jan. 2016, laleche.org.uk/engorged-breasts-avoiding-and-treating/. Accessed 4 Dec. 2024.

Modak, Anushree, et al. “A Comprehensive Review of Motherhood and Mental Health: Postpartum Mood Disorders in Focus.” Cureus, vol. 15, no. 9, 29 Sept. 2023, assets.cureus.com/uploads/review_article/pdf/187209/20230929-20001-t9qdii.pdf, https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46209.

—. “The Psychological Benefits of Breastfeeding: Fostering Maternal Well-Being and Child Development.” Cureus, vol. 15, no. 10, 27 Nov. 2024, www.cureus.com/articles/187248-the-psychological-benefits-of-breastfeeding-fostering-maternal-well-being-and-child-development?score_article=true#, https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46730.

NHS. “Benefits of Breastfeeding.” Nhs.uk, 7 Mar. 2023, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/.

—. “Breastfeeding and Thrush.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding-problems/thrush/. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

—. “Expressing Breast Milk by Hand – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/expressing-your-breast-milk/expressing-breast-milk-by-hand/. Accessed 4 Dec. 2024.

NHS Choices. “Mastitis.” NHS, 2019, www.nhs.uk/conditions/mastitis/.

“Pain: If Breastfeeding Hurts.” The Breastfeeding Network, Nov. 2024, www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/breastfeeding-information/problems-with-breastfeeding/pain-if-breastfeeding-hurts/.

“Prolactin | South Tees Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust.” Www.southtees.nhs.uk, www.southtees.nhs.uk/services/pathology/tests/prolactin/.

Shaw, Gina. “Breastfeeding vs. Formula Feeding.” WebMD, 11 June 2012, www.webmd.com/baby/breastfeeding-vs-formula-feeding.

UNICEF. “Breastfeeding in the UK – Baby Friendly Initiative.” Baby Friendly Initiative, UNICEF, 2022, www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/. Accessed 25 Nov. 2024.

WIC Breastfeeding Support. “Steps and Signs of a Good Latch | WIC Breastfeeding.” Usda.gov, 2019, wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov/steps-and-signs-good-latch. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

“Winding and Burping Your Baby.” HSE.ie, www2.hse.ie/babies-children/parenting-advice/caring-for-a-new-baby/winding-burping/.

Wisner, Wendy. “Extended Breastfeeding: Can You Nurse for Too Long?” Healthline, 25 Mar. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/extended-breastfeeding#benefits. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

—. “What to Do If Your Baby Keeps Falling Asleep While Nursing.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 28 Apr. 2021, www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/baby-falls-asleep-while-nursing#is-it-normal. Accessed 18 Jan. 2025.

World Health Organization. “The Physiological Basis of Breastfeeding.” Nih.gov, World Health Organization, 2009, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK148970/.

World Health Organization (WHO). “Breastfeeding.” World Health Organisation, 2023, www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding#tab=tab_1. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

How to help children cope with death, is a question we will all face eventually. Death is a fact relevant to all humankind. It is one that many people struggle to come to terms with.

Even adults find the mortality of those that they love difficult to acknowledge.  It is no easier for a child. 

  In the West death can be a taboo subject, meaning that many children will not encounter the concept until it affects them personally.   Childhood is a vulnerable stage of life.  Our little ones depend on their adults for their survival.  Therefore realising that a person can go from being there to being gone, can be terrifying.  

Children have also lived shorter lives and seen less change.  Many things can feel permanent to them.   Unshakable.  As long as they have been aware, some things have been constant.  It can feel strange and unsettling when Grandma is no longer at the house she has always lived in.

Emotions are Okay

Death is a painful subject. Pain is the very last thing that we want for our little ones.  When they first become aware of what is happening and display negative emotions, it is tempting to hide them from what is happening or distract them. 

This is an understandable response, which in the short term could work.  However, pretending death doesn’t exist, and distracting children from their emotions is not a long-term solution. 

It is important to talk to our children about death.  Only by being open with them, in an age-appropriate way, will they be able to understand and then accept the harsh facts.  Without that understanding and acceptance, death can become a terrifying mystery that lingers in the back of their minds. If we want our children to cope with their feelings, we have to help our little ones find ways to process and express them.

As well as talking to them, listen.  Hear what they say without trying to ‘fix’ what can’t be fixed.

Often when a child is experiencing a loss, so are you. Sometimes letting your child know you are sad too, can help them feel less alone. Make sure that you take time for yourself. We want to be strong for our children. Remember that in order to be strong, self-care is important during difficult times.

The Questions

Your child may well have a lot of questions about what has happened.   There might be questions that you know answers for, but it is okay to be honest about what you don’t know.

When explaining death to a child, Child Bereavement UK suggests using direct language.  Cliches like ‘passed away’, or ‘didn’t make it’ can increase their confusion. 

No child needs gory details.  Simple and practical information can be helpful though.  When children are left in the dark their imaginations can fill in the gaps, and often their fantasies are scarier than the truth. Offering clarity can be an important part of how we help children to cope with death.

Explaining physical death, thanks to modern science, can be simple.  You can talk about things they may already be aware of, such as the importance of the heartbeat and breath As far as the spiritual side, that is something you can adapt to fit your family’s beliefs.

The Fears

Death can cause children a lot of fear.  They may ask questions about what will happen if they die, or if you die.  

These fears are normal.  When they come, stay calm.  It is important to let your child talk about their fear to you.  These won’t be pleasant conversations, but they are important.  Our children need to understand it is normal to have these fears. Furthermore, they mustn’t be forced to close the fear in their hearts to deal with it alone.

So don’t be afraid to talk. Maybe talk about how you are working to ensure that your child, and those in your household, will be healthy and safe.  Acknowledge that death is sad and scary, but remind them that the reason death is so terrifying is because life is so great. 

Whilst a fear of death and anxiety around the topic is normal, there may be times when it gets out of control.  Thanatophobia, an anxiety disorder centred around the fear of death, is just as common in children as it is in adults.   If your child’s fear begins to impact their daily routines, or if you go over six months and they are still experiencing anxiety, then it is important to get them support. Death can be hard for children to cope with, but there are people out there who are trained to help.

Where to get support if your child is struggling with death anxiety?

• Make an appointment with your local GP.  They can work with you and help get you the right support.
• Talk to your child’s school.  Many schools have support systems in place to help children who are struggling with mental health
• Call a mental health helpline.  If you google mental health support, and your location, there are often charities and help centers that can offer support.

The Funeral

Funerals can offer children a chance to say goodbye and can help with closure for children who are struggling to cope with a loved one’s death.  It can also help them to feel less alone, as they join with others to grieve a death and celebrate a life.  You may not know the tone of the funeral in advance, but some are crafted to highlight gratitude for all that the person was.  This can help little ones refocus from the pain of the loss and onto the positive aspects of the loved one’s life.

Funerals can also, however, be emotional.  If a child is feeling vulnerable the intensity of a funeral can be overwhelming, rather than helpful.  Especially if this is the first death they have encountered, some children may worry that they will not be able to cope.

If your child is old enough to know their mind, let them choose if to attend the funeral, or stay away.  Giving them an element of control can be empowering, especially when everything may feel so out of control.

Moving forward

The pain of a loved one’s death will not dissipate overnight.  There are a few things that you can do to support your child, now and in the months afterwards, and to help them process their pain.

Offer space for your child to express their emotions through art

Before the funeral perhaps you could allow your child to write a letter or draw a picture to be buried with the loved one, or alongside their ashes.

Let them free draw, paint, or build too.  Art can help to express emotions. If your child is having a day when they are finding it hard to cope with worries about death, or adapting to the change, they might not know how to vocalise all their feelings. Colouring pencils can provide a wonderful outlet.

Tell stories

Although your loved one may no longer be there, you can keep their memory alive by telling their stories to your child.  Depending on their age, your child may have their own stories, too.  Storytelling is incredibly therapeutic and can help children to understand their emotions and put them into perspective.  Repetition is part of the process, so be patient if your child wants the same story for the 10^th time. 

Create a memory box or book

Find photos, letters, cards and whatever else you can collect to make a box or a scrapbook to remember the loved one. Then set aside time to work on it together, letting your child fill the book with pictures, notes or stories.

Also, if you have lost a close family member and are clearing their house, perhaps there may be something that you can set aside for your child to remember them by.  

Create a ritual

Finally, it can be special to plan one or two moments a year to remember those no longer with us.

You can combine this with an annual holiday, or use birthdays. Traditions will be individual for each family, so find something that works for you.

Resources

As well as conversations, there are books that can help children with the passing of a loved one.

Here a list of a few of my favourites.

The Memory Tree

Fox has lived a long and happy life in the forest, but now he is tired. He lies down in his favourite clearing, and falls asleep for ever. Before long, Fox’s friends begin to gather in the clearing. One by one, they tell stories of the special moments that they shared with Fox. And so, as they share their memories, a tree begins to grow, becoming bigger and stronger with each memory, sheltering and protecting all the animals in the forest, just as Fox did when he was alive.

Lost in the Clouds

Billy misses his mummy very much. She lives in the clouds. Some days the sun is shining and Mummy’s clouds are nowhere to be seen. Those are Billy’s favourite days. He and Daddy would play in the garden all day long, and Billy knows that Mummy is letting the sun shine for them. But not all days are like that. Sometimes Mummy’s clouds are dark, and Billy feels sad and alone.

Disclaimer: This is a beautiful story, but it does deal with the loss of a parent. It might not be right for a child who is struggling with death anxiety.

I Can’t Believe They’re Gone

Join the mouse family on an emotional journey as Bear, their empathetic companion, helps them navigate the complexities of grief and its unique expressions.
Additionally, throughout this beautifully written picture storybook, children will discover the stages of grief, common feelings, and meaningful ways to honor the memory of their loved ones.

A final note

The passing of a loved one is difficult for all involved. Be kind to yourself, and know that you will get through this.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Child Bereavement UK. “Supporting a Bereaved Pupil in a Primary School.” Child Bereavement UK, 29 Mar. 2019, www.childbereavementuk.org/primary-schools-supporting-bereaved-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“Explaining Death and Dying to Children.” Child Bereavement UK, www.childbereavementuk.org/explaining-death-and-dying-to-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Fritscher , Lisa. “How to Help Children Overcome the Fear of Death.” Verywell Mind, 23 Jan. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-death-in-children-2671783#:~:text=Anxiety%20and%20distress%20about%20death. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Gire, James. “How Death Imitates Life: Cultural Influences on Conceptions of Death and Dying.” Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, vol. 6, no. 2, 1 Dec. 2014, scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1120&context=orpc, https://doi.org/10.9707/2307-0919.1120.

Gordon, Sherri . “How Can I Get My Child to Stop Being Preoccupied about Death?” Verywell Family, 31 Aug. 2020, www.verywellfamily.com/help-child-to-stop-worrying-about-death-1448615. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Holland, Kimberly. “Everything You Should Know about Thanatophobia.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 27 Sept. 2017, www.healthline.com/health/thanatophobia. Accessed 5 July 2024.

How Different Cultures around the World Deal with Death. – Clear Cremations. 10 Apr. 2023, clearcremations.com/how-do-different-cultures-from-around-the-world-deal-with-death/#:~:text=Cultures%20around%20the%20world%20have. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“How to Talk to Children about Death and Dying.” Hospice UK, www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/your-guide-to-hospice-end-of-life-care/how-talk-children-about-death-and-dying. Accessed 3 July 2024.

LifeCare, Lower Cape Fear. “How to Help a Grieving Child Cope: 20 Comforting Tips.” Lower Cape Fear LifeCare, 11 Aug. 2021, lifecare.org/news-events/20-ways-to-help-a-grieving-child/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

NHS. “Children and Bereavement.” Nhs.uk, 4 Feb. 2021, www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-and-bereavement/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Porteous-Sebouhian, Bryony. “How Accepting Our Mortality Can Be Freeing.” MHT, 10 Sept. 2021, www.mentalhealthtoday.co.uk/blog/the-journey-to-accept-our-own-mortality-can-be-more-freeing-than-we-d-ever-expect.

Salek, Elyse, and Kenneth Ginsburg. “How Children Understand Death & What You Should Say.” HealthyChildren.org, 2019, www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx. Accessed 3 July 2024.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

At the very heart of it, discipline is about teaching and training.  Punishment on the other hand is about negative consequences for wrong actions.

Sometimes discipline will involve consequences, but consequences are not the only way to discipline a child.

Punishments are focused on what has already happened, and the hard payment for it.  Discipline, if done well, is forward-looking.  It endeavours to give a set of skills for the child to use moving forwards. (Li)

When a child is making wrong choices the parents need to adjust the behaviour.   They have the choice to make that adjustment via punishment or via discipline. Let’s look at each method in a little more detail.

Adjustment via punishment

Two assumptions are being made when parents use only punishments to correct behaviour.  The first assumption is that without a threat of a negative repercussion hanging over a child’s head they will choose to be naughty.

The second assumption is that being naughty is a always a willful choice and the child has the ability to make the right choices. 

I would contend neither of these assumptions is true.

The truth is most children want to be good.  They might also really want sweets, toys, the red cup and to never sleep.  They often want to be good too.   

Children want to belong, to connect, and to be healthy, which are all the things we want for them.  Unfortunately, though, they often do not have the skill sets, the understanding, or the self-control to make the right choices.  Instead, their other wants, worries or emotions can take over.

Patience, critical thinking, empathy, kindness and self-control are traits that many children struggle with, as do many grown-ups.  The same as grown-ups, many children can make great decisions some days but then have days where they find it hard to keep it together. 

If a child is being punished regularly, but not being given the support that they need to make the right choices, they often become stressed, and worried about the next time they might mess up.  Repeated punishments can cause them to see themselves as naughty or bad, yet feel that they lack the skills to be good.

Adjustment via discipline

Discipline is looking at what you want to teach the child, and what is the best way to teach it. (Siegel and Bryson, 2016)

There may still need to be consequences.  For example, sometimes a child could lose a privilege if they are struggling to be responsible with it, or they may need to be removed from a situation if they are not behaving appropriately.

The focus, however, will be on how to move forward rather than on a punishment for what has been.    There are a plethora of tools that parents can use to teach children the skills integral to living a healthy, happy and kind life.

By teaching your child the skills they need to make the right choices, you give them more control over themselves and how they behave. This can significantly boost their self-esteem.

The Science Behind Gentle Discipline

Science gives us a few reasons why gentler and proactive discipline works better than punishments. 

Upstairs or downstairs?

The brain is complex, but let’s look at it as two halves. The upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain is the first to develop and is all about survival. As well as operating some important functions, like breathing it also controls the fight or flight response.   

Fight or flight was the stress response that would have been imperative to our ancestors in their more perilous times.  Fight or flight shuts down your thinking brain, which is analytical and slow. Then instinct facilitates hasty retreat (flight) or self-defence (fight.)  It is a defence and will kick in whenever the brain perceives a threat.

The upstairs brain develops later and oversees critical thinking, problem-solving, empathy, and patience. (Conkbayir, n.d.)

When we discipline our children, we want to be working with their upstairs brain, however, if they feel threatened the downstairs brain will be running the show.  In fight or flight mode our little ones will be unable to reason.

To learn more about the two halves of the brain, check out this article, which goes into more depth.

 A little gentleness and empathy from us can help your child feel safe and get the upstairs brain back in control to give you the best chance of teaching the lessons that you want to teach.

Pure Chemistry

Your child has chemicals, or hormones, controlling their body’s different functions, and carrying messages throughout their body.

Cortisol is the hormone which helps your child’s body respond to stress. If children are in strict environments with frequent punishments, they are likely to have an excess of cortisol released in their bodies. (Australia) Excess cortisol has been proven to shrink the brain and cause issues with memory loss.  (Mandal, MD)

The science of self-believe

A child who believes that they are competent, strong and have a high self-worth will not just be happier, but will also start to emulate the qualities that they see in themselves.  There have been studies that show that self-belief has an impact on performance.   Many children will follow the narrative that you lay out for them.  If they are often punished harshly, not trusted, and reminded of their mistakes they will see themselves in a negative light and act accordingly. (Sutton, 2020)

If, however, you highlight their potential, celebrate their successes and believe in them, even in their worst moments you can rewrite this narrative.

How to discipline gently

We have talked about the why, now let’s look at the how.

Disclaimer: Gentle parenting often gets a bad name, as it can be confused with passive parenting.  I am not advocating stepping back, and letting your six-year old call the shots. 

Gentle parenting is about proactively teaching and setting firm boundaries in a loving and empathetic way.  That is, you connect with your child, and acknowledge their feelings, but you do not let their feelings run the show.  

Here are a few ways that you can start disciplining gently.

Unite to fight

A big difference between discipline and punishment, is when we discipline we play on the same team as our child.

Discipline doesn’t have to be us versus our child.  You can work with your child.  If your child is struggling with an attitude or behaviour, sit with them and work out a plan to move forward. Ask them to brain storm solutions with you

If you are at a loss there are so many online resources and books on overcoming nearly everything. If you have an older child, spend time researching together to find creative ways to support them in overcoming difficult behaviours.

 As well as engaging their upper brain, as you come up with solutions alongside your child, you will connect with them and teach them how to problem solve.  

Remember that they are children

This may seem obvious.   It is easy, however, to forget that their brains are not yet developed.  They are going to struggle with some of the upper brain behaviours.  I often put adult expectations on my nine-year-old, and forget, heck, he is just nine. 

As you remember their limitations, and bring grace and patience to the table, remind them too.  Growing up is hard, and the world can be brutal.  Let them know that making the right choices takes practice.  Every good choice that they make is a step in the right direction and celebrate it.  Every wrong choice can be learnt from.

Make consequences immediate, fair and manageable

Long-term punishments don’t usually work well, but giving immediate consequences may be more beneficial.  

Consequences that they can manage are even better.  For example, rather than sending your child to their room for 10 minutes, send them to their room until they have calmed down and are ready to make things right.  Rather than banning them from the screen for a week, ban them from the screen until they have helped you with something in the house.  Giving them that control helps them work towards where they need to be, and can help their confidence.

Avoidance

Avoiding misbehaviour is a lot easier than correcting it.  Simple things can help children to be their very best selves. Communicate well, and in advance if you can about plans so that they know if they are coming or going.  Make sure they are fed and well rested.    Connect in lots of positive ways.

A final note

If, like me, you were raised in the days of punishments, and authoritative parenting, this may all seem unnatural and weak.

This is not weakness.  It is not about letting children do as they please without consequences.  You are still laying down clear guidelines, and ensuring that your children are aware of the correct attitudes and behaviours.

Gentle discipline is about being strong,  loving and wise.  Strong enough to hold your peace, loving enough to get alongside your child, and wise enough to discern the very best way of teaching them.

You and your child are stronger than ever together.

Reference list

Australia, H. (2023). The role of cortisol in the body. [online] www.healthdirect.gov.au. Available at: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/the-role-of-cortisol-in-the-body#:~:text=It%20can%20help%3A [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Conkbayir, M. (n.d.). Neuroscience: Understand the ‘upstairs’ and ‘downstairs’ brain. [online] Nursery World. Available at: https://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/features/article/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Lehman, J. (2020). Empowering Parents. [online] Empowering Parents. Available at: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-give-kids-consequences-that-work/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Li, P. (2019). Discipline and punishment – what’s the difference (4 Effective discipline Strategies) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Parenting For Brain. Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/discipline-vs-punishment/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Mandal, MD, Dr.A. (2018). Stress can cause memory loss and brain shrinkage finds study. [online] News-Medical.net. Available at: https://www.news-medical.net/news/20181025/Stress-can-cause-memory-loss-and-brain-shrinkage-finds-study.aspx [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline : The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.

Sutton, J. (2020). Self-Esteem and Children: Your Ultimate Guide (incl. Activities). [online] PositivePsychology.com. Available at: https://positivepsychology.com/self-esteem-for-children/.

If reading has become a chore for your little one, you may be wondering how to bring the fun back. Reading should be a joy. A good book can open your child’s eyes to so much wonder.   It can take them to depths of the ocean, or outer space.  

However, as children struggle with the mechanics of language, and grammar, it is easy to see how the magic gets lost. 

Benefits of reading

If you are an avid reader, you will know the fun of reading, but can it be more than just fun?

Many studies show reading can benefit children in a myriad of ways. Reading can increase a child’s vocabulary. (Everhart et al., 2002) Linguistic development can help a child to make sense of the world around them, and their own experiences. (Avashni, 2021)

When your child reads a story, they often experience the events through the eyes of the characters involved. This can help them increase empathy, which is a vital social skill for later life. (Bal and Veltkamp, 2013)

How to make reading fun

Visit the library

Many libraries run free activities.  However, just choosing books is fun. You could stop at the shop, on the way home, for reading snacks as an extra treat.

Learn by reading instructions

Let your child learn a skill from written instructions. Following a recipe or ‘how to’ guide can be fun and empowering for your child

 Many activities need supervision, but let your child take the lead.  Teaching themselves will help build their confidence.

Here are some fun recipes to try.

Sharing emails

You can set up an email account for child, using your adult account to manage it. Writing emails can encourage relationships between your child, and the adults around them.  For younger children, let them read the emails, and dictate the reply.  If you have an older child, they could type the replies, also.

Once your child has learnt how to work their email account, the fun of seeing a new email popping up can be immeasurable.

Make a reading area

Everyday activities are transformed with a change of location.  Reading at a desk might be boring.  Reading in a blanket den is fun. 

How to create a good reading space

Your reading area can be as unique as your family. 

Firstly, find a space. If you have a smaller home, then you may need to get creative. 

Next, choose how to store books in the reading space.   Perhaps, create a shelf by turning a good, strong box sideways, or find an old magazine rack from a charity shop.   I recommend only putting a few books out.  Too many books can make choosing more difficult.  If you want to add variety, you can change the book selection weekly.

Finally, make it comfortable, and fun.  Cushions, and blankets are a great start. 

Fun books that your child will love reading

Everyone has a different opinion on what the best children’s books are.  This changes, of course, with time, and all the other different factors which make tastes unique.  There is no definitive list of the greatest children’s books, however, there are lots of great books to discover.

Some children enjoy fact books, others enjoy stories.  If you know other families that love reading, perhaps arrange a book swap to discover some new favourites.

Here are some great children’s books.

A final note

Whatever you end up reading, have fun. I would love to hear how you choose to make memories reading with your child.  

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Avashni. “Language Development | Knights Preparatory School.” Knights Preparatory School, 13 Oct. 2021, knightsschools.com/the-importance-of-language-development/.

Bal, P. Matthijs, and Martijn Veltkamp. “How Does Fiction Reading Influence Empathy? An Experimental Investigation on the Role of Emotional Transportation.” PLoS ONE, vol. 8, no. 1, 30 Jan. 2013, journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0055341, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0055341.

Department for Education. Research Evidence on Reading for Pleasure Education Standards Research Team. May 2012.

Everhart, Nancy, et al. “Long-Term Tracking of Student Participants’ Reading Achievement in Reading Motivation Programs.” Knowledge Quest, vol. 30, no. 5, 2002, pp. 43–46, eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ652527.

International Reading Association. Leisure Reading a JOINT POSITION STATEMENT of the INTERNATIONAL READING ASSOCIATION, the CANADIAN CHILDREN’S BOOK CENTRE, and the NATIONAL COUNCIL of TEACHERS of ENGLISH. 2014.

  Self-care as a parent may seem selfish. That is not true.  Looking after yourself can help you give your best to your child.

 Here is a great article, explaining how your own self-care can benefit your child.

By looking after yourself you will be showing your children how to do the same. As your children grow and develop, they will learn more from what you show them, than what you tell them.  You can teach them by daily example, how to prioritise their own wellness.     

Let’s explore some practical ways that we can care for ourselves, in the midst of our full schedules and chaotic lives. 

1.     Declutter your home

Our environment impacts our mental health.  Messy spaces increase the feeling of stress and anxiety, whereas tidy spaces can calm us down.  This is explained more thoroughly in this article, by Very Well Mind. (Lindberg, 2023)

  With craft projects, toys and little treasures collected along the way, your house can soon fill up past capacity.  Constantly looking for a better way to organise our homes to fit our little ones’ treasures can be stressful.

 Decluttering your whole home at once may seem overwhelming.  Instead, try to make a habit of throwing away anything you find, that you will probably not use again.  Occasionally ask your children to choose one thing that they no longer need. As they pare down their belongings, they can learn to value and look after what they have left.

2.     Eat to feel good

 When life is busy your diet can be one of the first things to suffer.  It is easy to gravitate to unhealthier foods that are convenient.  Sugar and caffeine can become staples, as you battle sleep deprivation.  

 Eating well can have a huge impact on your mood and energy levels.  Recent research shows that what you eat affects what kind of bacteria lives in your gut. The bacteria in your gut play a big role in both your physical and mental health. (Harvard Health Publishing, 2023)

 You don’t have to spend hours cooking to prepare nutritious food. Frozen fruit and vegetables are great, when you don’t have time to peel or chop.  A meal plan can help you be more intentional about what you eat.  As well as including foods that nourish your body, find healthy dishes that you enjoy.  You work hard and deserve good food.    

Here are some easy to fix recipes that will leave you feeling great!

3.     Sleep when you can

 Sleep deprivation is hard. Lack of sleep can hurt both your physical and mental health. (Mental Health Foundation, 2011)

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end when your child starts sleeping through the night.  Late night chores, insomnia, bedwetting, and those children that always wake up at 5am, can all impact how much sleep you get.  

 Many of these things you can’t control. However, there are things that you can do to prioritise sleep and get more rest.  

Leaving your phone outside your room means you won’t be tempted to stay awake browsing social media.  Sleep meditations can help you quiet your mind.  For older children who rise early, a box of quiet morning activities could keep them occupied, and let you sleep longer.

 On days when nothing works, remember one day our children will become teenagers, and hopefully, love to sleep as much as we do.

4.     Keep things simple

 The internet is a great resource for extravagant recipes and DIY instructions.   There is an endless number of projects that you could embark on.

 Please remember, just because you could do 1,000 things, you don’t have to.  My rule now, is stop, when it stops being fun.  Unfortunately, this is only a rule for things that I am doing in the name of fun, and not applicable to housework. It is more important for you as a parent to take care of yourself, than it is to rebrand as Wonder Woman.

  If you are short on patience, time, or energy there is no shame in buying a ready-made birthday cake, or grabbing pizzas from the freezer for a play date.   Children can have lots of fun with colouring, or a board game. They do not need to make a replica of the Titanic out of toilet roll inserts and empty yoghurt pots. 

 At the end of the day, the memories that you will be making with them will be happier, if you are happier.  Do not be ashamed to simplify.

5.     Use social media with care

It isn’t hard to find a picture-perfect parent on social media.  Those influencers who always look happy, rested, and calm. Their children are smiling in every video, with clean clothes and immaculate homes in the background.

When these posts come into your feed, it can make you feel small and inadequate.  Subconsciously you may find yourself comparing your difficult reality to the dream being portrayed on your screen.

 It is important to remember that social media is not real.  If it is not staged, then it is at best, a heavily edited version of the lives that the influencers are living.

 Parenting is messy and difficult.  Even the most grounded children struggle with big feelings. Every good parent has had bad days.

If anyone’s posts make you feel bad, unfollow them.  Instead, follow people who inspire you, make you laugh or encourage you.  

6.     Self-care as a parent in the mornings

I do not naturally love mornings.  I often wake up groggy, and still tired, unlike my children who wake up in ‘go’ mode. If my children are up first I will probably get bounced on and peppered with questions before I have remembered I am meant to be kind.

I have learnt that if you want to practise self-care in the morning, it helps to set your alarm for earlier and be the first one up.  This can be tricky if you have a family of early risers, but it is worth it.

Of course, we are balancing this with the need for more sleep. This might not work for every family.

If you are able, however, take the time for you. Meditate, do a short yoga video, plan your day, whisper affirmations to yourself in the bathroom mirror, or just sit with a cup of hot coffee and browse silly videos.   

Having that time will help you feel one step ahead.  If you are lucky, the calm that you have found in those moments will help set the mood for the rest of the family.

7.     Create a support system

 As families are becoming more spread out, and the retirement age is slowly creeping higher, there is often less support for young families from grandparents.

 If you do not have a natural support system, could you create one?  Reach out to other parents in the same situation, and see if you can help each other out.  

   It doesn’t have to be babysitting.  Little things, like sharing lifts to clubs, can be a great help.   As well as lessening the burden, by collaborating with other parents you will feel less alone.   Also, having adults that you trust, and with whom your children are comfortable is incredibly useful for emergencies.

8. The 5-minute rule- Self care for parents when it all goes wrong

 This is a rule that I have for my children, but it works for grown-ups too.  Life is hard. Sometimes, the best self-care that we can give ourselves as a parent is having time to not be okay.   Of course, we can’t afford hours to sit in bed eating ice cream, feeling sorry for ourselves.  This is where the five-minute rule comes in.

 When you feel you need it, take five minutes to just feel what you are feeling. 

The rules for my children during this time, are you do not break anything, don’t do anything that would hurt yourself or someone else, and don’t say anything unkind.

 I have the same rules for myself, although I added a few.  During my five minutes, I am not allowed to text, or do any online shopping.  I also stay away from sugar and alcohol.

 After five minutes, take a big breath, decide what you need to do to move on, and do it.

Remember, this too shall pass.

9.     Connect with adults

Our little people are wonderful but don’t forget to fill your world with grown-ups too.  Healthy relationships are imperative for your well-being. (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023)

 Spending time with other parents can be a brilliant antidote to social media, reminding you that other people are fighting the same battles you are.  

 Also, spending time with non-parents can remind you of your interests outside of parenting.

10.     Find the things that make you smile

 Identify the things that energize you, or make you smile.  The days go quickly, and there is lots to do, but make time for what you love.

 Do you enjoy crafting? Set an evening aside every week to craft.  If you are a runner, could you run the long way home, after the school drop off? 

 If you are not sure what would work for you, do a little experimenting.  Try a few activities and see how you feel after each one.

Aim to make a moment every day that brings you joy.

A final note

These are just a few ideas of ways to prioritize self-care as parents. 

It is you that your children will look to when life gets stormy.  As their place of calm and stability, you are worth looking after.   As a human-being you are worth looking after.

 What can you do today to begin to take care of yourself?  You are well practised at noticing child’s needs and meeting them.  Realise your own needs. How can you meet them?

 I wish you all the peace,

Hannah

References

Casares, Whitney. “Importance of Self-Care: Why Parents Need Time out to Recharge.” HealthyChildren.org, www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/Importance-of-Self-Care.aspx.

Harvard Health Publishing. “The Gut-Brain Connection.” Harvard Health, Harvard Health, 18 July 2023, www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

“Healthy Family Meals.” BBC Food, www.bbc.co.uk/food/collections/healthy_family_food.

Lindberg, Sara. “How Your Environment Affects Your Mental Health.” Verywell Mind, 23 Mar. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/how-your-environment-affects-your-mental-health-5093687. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Lipkin, Nicole. “The Importance of Parental Mental Health When It Comes to Our Children.” Forbes, 11 July 2023, www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2023/07/11/the-importance-of-parental-mental-health-when-it-comes-to-our-children/. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Mental Health Foundation. “Sleep Matters: The Impact of Sleep on Health and Wellbeing.” Www.mentalhealth.org.uk, 2011, www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/sleep-matters-impact-sleep-health-and-wellbeing. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

News, Neuroscience. “Why Household Mess Triggers Stress and Anxiety.” Neuroscience News, 4 Sept. 2023, neurosciencenews.com/anxiety-stress-messy-home-23874/. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

NSPCC. “Parental Mental Health Problems.” NSPCC Learning, 2021, learning.nspcc.org.uk/children-and-families-at-risk/parental-mental-health-problems#skip-to-content. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Pezirkianidis, Christos, et al. “Adult Friendship and Wellbeing: A Systematic Review with Practical Implications.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 14, no. 14, 24 Jan. 2023, doi.org/10.3389%2Ffpsyg.2023.1059057, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1059057.

Schwartz LMFT, David. “The Importance of Self-Care for Parents.” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/adolescents-explained/202107/the-importance-of-self-care-for-parents. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

“This too shall pass.”

There are many different stories about the origin of this adage. It has been around for a very long time. However it is still relevant.

As we journey through parenthood, there is a lot that these words can offer us.  They are a reminder to slow down and cherish the sweet times.   They are also a promise that whatever you are going through, be it sleep deprivation, tantrums, potty training or worse, it will not be your forever.

When you feel at your wit’s end

When my eldest child was a baby, he went through sleep regression.  By six weeks old he was sleeping through the night and then…he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t wanting to sleep much at all after sundown.

 We tried a lot of things, but not one of them worked.  I could rock him to sleep in my arms, but the moment I so much as looked at his cot he would snap back awake.

 Of course, I knew that in time it would pass.   My rational side understood that by the time he was 35 and had a full-time job, he would probably have learnt to sleep without me holding him.

 It didn’t feel like it would pass, though.  I was tired and fed up and had no idea what to try next. Then one day, he slept.   We hadn’t changed a thing.  It passed.

Sleep regression is just one example of a multitude of struggles we had when we first became parents.  Every one of them worked out in the end, though in the midst they each felt never-ending.

Whatever you are going through right now, it too shall pass.  This is not your forever, and there is a strong chance it will be okay.

Hold your peace

‘The Lord shall fight for you, and you hold your peace’ Exodus 14:14

I was raised in a Christian household. Growing up, I often heard this verse touted. As a child, I was convinced that it meant to do nothing, and that everything would work itself out, for God would fix it.  As a child, I was wrong.

You probably know, as well as I do now, that ignoring problems does not make them go away.  I am still, however, a strong advocate for holding your peace.

For everything that you face with your child, there will be elements that you can control and elements that you cannot.  

Holding your peace does not mean burying your head and hoping circumstances will fall your way.  It is about looking at what you can do in each situation.  Brainstorm, research, and talk to other people who have had the same battles. Be proactive and come up with a plan, to do the very best with what is in your power to influence.

 Maybe your plan will work, and maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, you can try again.  Try something new; Keep learning. Throughout, know that you are doing the best that you can at that moment, with your understanding as it is, and with all the other things that you are managing in life.

 Sometimes you will mess up, which is part of being human.  Perhaps other days you will surprise yourself with how incredibly resourceful, kind and patient you are. 

Through the hard times, practise self care. Remember to look after yourself as well as your family.

Hold your peace in the knowledge, that this too shall pass, but before it does, keep trying and learning.

For the good times

This too shall pass, does not just apply to the bad times, but the good times, too.   With all the worries and daily to-do lists, it is easy to miss the beauty of the moments that you share with your child.   Your child will grow and won’t always walk to school with their hand in yours, so cherish them.

In a world that moves too fast, find ways to slow down.  Here is a great article about slowing down which is worth a read.

Something that I have started with my children, is scrapbooking.  I let them borrow my phone while we are out walking and they can take photos, and I also take photos of adventures we have with family and friends.  Once a month I try to remember to print them off and they can cut out the photos and stick them in their memory books and write captions.  It offers a chance to relive the fun moments and solidify those glorious memories that we are making day by day.

Slow down and breathe.  For this too shall pass.

Homework can become a battle. Does it need to be? Is it possible to encourage your child to study independently?

I remember being a child and hating homework.  When I encourage my children to study it’s not without empathy. Amongst the parents I know, there are wildly different attitudes to the idea of schoolwork outside of school.  Some believe there isn’t enough time for children to play, so are happy for homework to be forgotten.   Others will sit with their child and ensure every task is completed.

Is homework beneficial?

As with many topics, experts do not agree if homework is beneficial, or not. There is more consensus that homework benefits older children, rather than younger ones.^{(Goodwin, 2023)} Here is a really interesting article exploring some of pros and cons.

For younger children, there are concerns that too much homework hampers play.  Play is important as it is how young children learn and develop. Reading with young children, however, can be extremely beneficial. As well as boosting their cognitive skills, reading benefits children socially and emotionally. ^{(Collier, 2019)} Of course, it is important to keep reading fun, so books remain a joy rather than a chore.

For older children, homework can offer more than just an improvement in their grades.   Managing their learning outside of the classroom can develop important life skills and self-discipline.  Parents can also use homework to be involved in the child’s learning and understand what they are doing at school. ^{(Orr, 2023)}

The attitude

Perhaps some of the facts that our older children are pouring over during homework sessions will help them later in life, or some may not.  What will last, are the positive mindsets and attitudes that can be fostered through homework.

These three lessons in attitude are worth focusing on.

1.  The wisdom of planning tasks– Time management is a skill that will benefit your child in their adult years. Time management can take time to learn, so practising it at a young age is worth the effort.
2. How to work and then play.   We have probably all heard the adage, ‘Eat the frog’. It is reported to have come from Mark Twain, quoted as having said, ‘Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.’ Eating a live frog is a bad idea. Getting your work out of the way so that you can enjoy playing is a better idea.
3. What It feels like to take pride in what they do. As well as learning the subjects, during the school years children are also learning about themselves. By truly trying their best on homework projects, they can explore their potential to grow and improve.

How much to help

Homework can be much more fun when you are a grown-up and the work is no longer your own.  This seems to be most evident when homework gets crafty.  In my son’s first term at school, they were asked to make rockets from household items and bring them in.  There were 28 rockets with definite five-year-old vibes; Two rockets, however, were so detailed, intricate and fancy that you had to wonder if a child was allowed within five feet of it.

While helping heavily, or simply doing their homework while they watch cartoons, might seem kind at the time, it can be counterproductive. Children need to be given the space to push their limits and find out what they are capable of. Showing them what you are capable of will do nothing to build their self-esteem or develop their skill sets.

How much you help will depend on the age of your child. Little ones often need a lot more assistance. For younger children, take everything step by step, letting them do as much as they can at each stage.  Let them help to plan, and to troubleshoot when things go wrong.

 As your child gets older, increase their independence in line with what they can handle. When you do help, try to do so by teaching them new skills rather than just doing it for them

 The more that you let children do for themselves, the greater their sense of ownership of the project becomes.  

How to cope with homework meltdowns

During the first UK Covid 19 lockdown, I home-schooled my son or at least tried to.  It did not go well. We both ended up angry and frustrated. He had more than one meltdown, and truth be told, I wasn’t peaceful or kind.

The second Covid-19 lock down I wanted to do better. I would not fight. We told my son it was up to him how much he did. However, privileges like watching a screen, staying up late or having fun days out were contingent on doing the essential homeschooling tasks. If he felt tired, he could play, read, or colour. When he was caught up on homeschooling, the privileges were back.

I have carried this strategy through to weekly homework and it works well. There are days when they choose to do something else first, but they always come back to their homework. They enjoy the extra privileges that homework unlocks

I believe that it is important to teach children to make the right choices through discipline, rather than control them through fights.

If you are having homework battles remember to talk to your child. There might be parts of the homework that they struggle with. You can encourage them to explore creative ways to overcome the difficulties. For example, if they feel too tired to study, a snack and a small break before studying might help.

You don’t have to shout, drag them to the table, or staple their sleeves to the textbooks. Leave the books on the table ready for them, but reserve certain privileges for after homework is finished. An important one is screen.

Screen is now a big part of most children’s lives. It is not bad in itself, but without moderation can become addictive. Many games and YouTube videos are fast-moving, delivering quick hits of dopamine and endorphins, with minimal effort from the child. These chemicals are addictive, and make focusing for a long time harder. ^{(Luker, 2022)} Reserve screen for after homework. This will encourage any young gamers to prioritise homework, and they will be studying with their brains still switched on

Tips, tricks and staying sane

1. Keep to a schedule. Have a set time for homework.  Find what works for you.
2. Consider doing homework before screen time.  Once they are sat in front of a show or video game a child may let their brain switch off for a bit.  It can be a drag for them to pull back to work mode.
3. Make a space.  Even if it is just the kitchen table, designate a homework spot.  Clear off anything that could be distracting and help them set everything they need out.
4. Teach them to plan.  When children are older and are juggling more tasks, it may be worth getting a student diary.  When they come home each day, build the habit of planning out a time for any homework that they have been given.
5. Praise what they do well.  For any other perfectionists out there, I know this one is difficult.  We want our children’s work to be the very best it can be and point to what they can improve.  Unfortunately, pointing out mistakes can set a negative mindset.  They see themselves as not very good and perform accordingly. Instead, try and find things that they have done well and praise them on it.  Flip the narrative so they see themselves as thorough, tidy, and creative workers.  It is amazing how quickly they begin to live up to the new reality you have created.

A final note

As with all things be patient.  It may seem like the world, but one piece of homework missed will not break you or your child long-term.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah

References

Collier, Ellie. “Why Is Reading so Important for Children.” The Hub | High Speed Training, High Speed Training, 24 May 2019, www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/why-is-reading-important-for-children/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Dungy, Tony. “Motivating Kids to Give Their Best.” All pro Dad, 21 July 2017, www.allprodad.com/motivating-kids-to-give-their-best/.

Goodwin, Cara. “Is Homework Good for Kids? | Psychology Today United Kingdom.” Www.psychologytoday.com, 3 Oct. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-translator/202309/is-homework-good-for-kids. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Herrity, Jennifer. “20 Ways You Can Benefit from Time Management.” Indeed Career Guide, 22 Jan. 2022, www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/benefits-of-time-management.

Luker, Edward. “Are Video Games and Screens an Addiction?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 1 July 2022, www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

McIntyre, Julie. “How Young Children Develop Pride in Self.” Blog.concordiashanghai.org, 28 Oct. 2021, blog.concordiashanghai.org/how-young-children-develop-pride-in-self.

Orr, Derek. “The Pros and Cons of Homework.” Oxford Learning, Oxford Learning, 10 Feb. 2023, www.oxfordlearning.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-homework/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

When you have a baby, you will hear lots of talk about setting a routine. This might not sound like the worst idea. Life with a newborn can feel chaotic.  Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos.

Many grown-up humans love predictability and preset plans. Babies, however, come to us unprogrammed, with no concept of time or scheduling. Their constantly changing and unpredictable needs can be exhausting.    Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos

So, when can you set a routine for a baby?

Why wait to set a routine?

The most important thing, especially the first few months, is to ensure that your and your baby’s needs are met. 

A fundamental need for your baby is food. There is a lot of debate regarding whether to feed a baby at set times or to feed on demand.

A 2012 study shows feeding a baby on a schedule can be better for the mother’s overall well-being. The same study shows that babies who feed on demand are more successful academically later in life. ^{_{(Lacovou and Sevilla, 2012)}} As with many areas of parenting, there are valid arguments on both sides.

However, if you want to breastfeed up until weaning, feeding on demand is important.

Many mothers stop breastfeeding early, due to problems with their milk supply.  A baby’s natural feeding patterns can help to stimulate milk production. As your little one grows, they need more milk per feed.   Babies can encourage their mother’s body to meet the increasing demands by cluster feeding. Cluster feeding is exhausting, but it works. ^_(USDA)

As your little one grows and develops during these first few months, sleep patterns will fluctuate, too. Although this is normal, it can be exhausting.

Keeping up with the needs of a newborn is hard.  Once the baby is settled, it is important to take care of yourself.   The priority during this stage is keeping everyone well.   The pressure to keep to a schedule too early can add unnecessary stress.  

When should you set a routine for baby?

There are many opinions about the right time to set a routine for your baby.  It is important to remember that while opinions differ, so do babies.  What works for one family may not work for you.

Recommendations can vary from six weeks to six months.  By as early as two months, you may find that a routine is beginning to emerge.  _{^{(Dougherty, 2022)}}  Just remember to be kind to yourself.  It will take time for you and your baby to fall into a working rhythm. 

If a routine hasn’t emerged after a few months, you can begin proactively working towards one. This could take time. You may establish a routine which works beautifully, only to find a few months on it no longer works. Don’t despair. Babies are unpredictable. Adapt where needed, and try again.

For some people, living out of routine is not physically possible.  Modern life puts a lot of demands, on new parents.  If you need to set a routine earlier on, there are some great online resources available from sites like Baby Center. 

The benefits of a routine

Establishing a routine can have advantages for both you and your baby.  For you as a grown-up, having your baby following a routine means you can too. You will also know when your baby is most likely to sleep so you can make plans that are more likely to work. Routines can also reduce your stress and improve your sleep. ^{(Brennan, 2021)}

As your baby grows they will become increasingly aware of the new and unfamiliar world around them.  Having some predictability in their day can be comforting, and help them to feel safe. (“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers”)

How to set a schedule for your baby

• Work with what is there.   If a routine is already beginning to emerge naturally, start there. It is better not to change too much, too soon.   If you need to move feeding or sleeping times, move them a little at a time.
• Make bedtimes relaxing.  Choose a few activities to build a bedtime routine with your little one.   You could include things like baths, nighttime feeds, or relaxing music.  Although they may not yet follow along, reading aloud to your newborn can be a bonding experience. Find what works for you.
• Consider a dream feed.  Some experts suggest waking your baby for a dream feed at around ten or eleven PM before you go to sleep.   Dream feeds can prevent your baby from waking up hungry and may improve the night’s sleep for the whole family. ^{(Wisner, 2020)}
• Monitor naps.  It is worth being aware of how much sleep your baby needs.  If a baby sleeps too long, they may not sleep as well at night. Long naps can seem like a blessing but try to keep them under two hours. Naps earlier in the day are better, as they are less likely to impact bedtime.

What a healthy schedule looks like

A healthy schedule should be workable. A workable schedule will look different for every family.  Focus on what benefits both you and your baby.

The most important thing is remembering to be flexible.  When growth and development leaps happen sleep patterns can be drastically affected.  There will also be external factors, which will throw you off routine some days.  If your schedule is already flexible, these changes will have less impact on you and your newborn.  

A final note

When you try to set a routine, for you and baby, it will be a learning curve for you both.  Be patient. If things don’t fall into place at first, adapt if needed and keep trying.   

It is always helpful to build a reliable support system.  Don’t be ashamed to accept help.

When it goes to plan, I am happy for you.  When it doesn’t, breathe. 

The messy moments will pass.  The sweet memories will last.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah

References

Brennan, Dan. “Psychological Benefits of Routines.” WebMD, 25 Oct. 2021, www.webmd.com/mental-health/psychological-benefits-of-routine. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

Bell, Sophie. “Seven Steps to Creating a Successful Baby Routine.” BabyCentre UK, Sept. 2021, www.babycentre.co.uk/a1051918/seven-steps-to-creating-a-successful-baby-routine. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Dougherty, Elizabeth. “Baby Schedules: When to Start a Daily Routine with Your Baby.” BabyCenter, 28 July 2022, www.babycenter.com/baby/schedules/the-basics-of-baby-schedules-why-when-and-how-to-start-a-rou_3658352. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Your Baby’s Sleep Patterns – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/baby-basics/newborn-and-baby-sleeping-advice-for-parents/your-babys-sleep-patterns/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Cluster Feeding and Newborns: A Guide for Parents.” Parents, 2020, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/problems/cluster-feeding-your-newborn-a-guide-for-parents/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Iacovou, Maria, and Almudena Sevilla. “Infant Feeding: The Effects of Scheduled vs. On-Demand Feeding on Mothers’ Wellbeing and Children’s Cognitive Development.” European Journal of Public Health, vol. 23, no. 1, 14 Mar. 2012, pp. 13–19, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3553587/, https://doi.org/10.1093/eurpub/cks012. Accessed 25 Apr. 2019.

Louise, Hannah. “10 Ways to Practice Self-Care as a Parent – Calm to the Storm.” Calm to the Storm, 23 Feb. 2024, www.calmtothestorm.com/10-ways-to-practice-self-care-as-a-parent/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

NHS. “Helping Your Baby to Sleep.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers.” Babysparks, 1 Autumn 2020, babysparks.com/2020/01/23/the-benefits-of-routines-for-babies-and-toddlers/. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

USDA. “Low Milk Supply | WIC Breastfeeding.” Wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov, wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov/low-milk-supply. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Wisner, Wendy. “Sweet Dreams Are Made of Milk: All about Dream Feeding.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 16 Jan. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/baby/dream-feed. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

Parenthood can be magical.  Cuddles with your newborn, days at the beach watching your toddler play with the waves, pumpkin patch adventures, or muddy puddle walks; These are the moments many of us look forward to when we welcome our first child.

The reality of parenthood

If you already have children, you know that there is another side of parenting.  It is often messy, exhausting, and demoralising.  Parenting can bring out the very best in us, but often also our worst.

Since I became a mother, I have found a side of me that is kind, resilient and resourceful.  I have also discovered how grumpy, controlling, and impatient I can become.  It is easier to be a nice person when you have had sleep and hot coffee, and you aren’t trying to tame a tempestuous two-year-old in the middle of a grocery store.

Children have the potential to rage through our homes, our days and our souls leaving a trail of destruction, frustration, and Lego.  They are not unlike a tropical storm.  Just slightly noisier, and they want more snacks.

Bringing calm to the storm

Our children may test every boundary and push us to our limits. They rarely, however, act with malicious intent. That is, they break us by accident, not on purpose.

They are trying to find their way in a world that they do not understand and to follow rules that they don’t yet know.  We tell them to control their emotions, but sometimes their emotions feel bigger than they are.

As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity.  We have the potential to be a refuge for our little ones. A light for them when things grow murky.   We can bring calm to their storm.   Even more, we can begin to teach them, through example, how to find their own peace.

The purpose of Calm to the Storm is to explore practical ways to be a joyful, effective and calm parent.  As well as looking at creative solutions to parenting dilemmas, we will look at parenting from a scientific and psychological perspective.  When you understand the ways that your child learns and develops you can make more informed choices that benefit your child.

As well as parenting, we will also look at self-care and ways to safeguard your own mental health.  After all, if we want to be our child’s anchor of peace in the storm, we must first ground ourselves.   

About me

My name is Hannah, and I am the mother of two.  I am also an author with a passion for child psychology. 

I was raised in the age when authoritarian parenting was seen as the only viable option.  When my eldest was born I tried the same parenting techniques that were used on me as a child. They did not work.  I tried to use the same techniques a little harder, which in truth just meant raising my voice and threatening bigger punishments. It still did not work.  

Thus began my 10-year journey into looking for parenting methods that did work.  It started with reading books and articles by leading child psychologists.  As my interest in the subject grew, I returned to college and took courses on child psychology and children’s mental health.   I know so much more now than I did at the start.  However, the more that I learn the more I realise how limited my understanding is. Every child is so unique and is a mini universe unto themselves.  I hope to continue learning, and I hope that you will learn alongside me. 

A final note

There are many ways to learn. Science and psychology have a lot to teach us. So does experience. When we come together and share our lived or second hand experiences we can’t help but become a little wiser. Therefore I would love to hear from anyone reading this. Feel free to comment or email.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah