When looking at how to fix separation anxiety in children, it is important to understand the root cause of the anxiety. By understanding what our children are feeling, and why, we become better equipped to be able to support them through their tricky moments, and help them to come out stronger.

What causes separation anxiety in young children?

The first thing it is important to know is that separation anxiety is normal. Between the ages of six months and three years old, most children will exhibit signs of separation anxiety in some form.

As babies grow, they are constantly learning. One big development is the understanding that things and people still exist when they are not right there. They now know that although Mummy walked into a different room, she is still somewhere. This understanding with their limited knowledge of things like time, or schedules, can cause children to panic when they are left by their primary caregivers. They know the person they rely on for everything is somewhere, but they don’t know where.

Although it can be a difficult stage to navigate, remember that children have separation anxiety because they feel safe with their carers. Before we look at how to fix it, know that you must have already been doing something right to have become your child’s safe place.

How to fix separation anxiety in young children?

Separation anxiety is something that all young children will go through, and sometimes older children too. there is no quick fix. Although there is comfort in knowing it is a natural stage that will pass, it can be exhausting. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help your child through this.

• Make the separations gradual. Try asking a friend to come watch your little one, and start by letting them play with your child with you in the room, then pop out for a few minutes. Slowly increase the amount of time that you are gone. As this progresses your child will learn that you always come back.
• Smile when you are saying goodbye. Walking away from your baby while they are crying can be heartbreaking. You might find that you want to cry, too. However, babies and toddlers are social learners. They will learn the most from their primary caregivers. If they see that you are upset when you leave, it reinforces the idea that something is wrong.
• Routines can help your baby or toddler understand what is happening and predict what will happen next. Creating a routine that you consistently stick to when you leave your child and pick them up can help ground them.
• Give them your full focus before you leave and when you return. It is never fun when your toddler has a meltdown at drop-off, but try to leave on a good note. This will help your child feel secure in their bond with you.

Separation anxiety disorder in children

Sometime separation anxiety can be more intense or prolonged. This is called separation anxiety disorder. It can be a sign of other worries or poor mental health.

Causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Although a child’s environment and experiences can cause separation anxiety disorder, a child’s biology is also a factor.

A child’s hormones help to control different neurological and physical functions throughout their body. An imbalance of two hormones, norepinephrine and serotonin, can make a child more prone to anxiety.

This means, that if your child is naturally more anxious, it may just be the way their brain is wired. It is worth thinking about environmental factors too. If there are big life changes or stresses your child may need extra support.

How to support a child with separation anxiety disorder

• Teach coping mechanisms. There are lots of great recourses that offer a plethora of coping strategies you can teach your child to use when they are feeling anxious. Here is a list of coping strategies from Barnados, which you may find helpful.
• Don’t avoid situations that your child finds difficult. Of course, you may want to take small steps. At times, you may choose to give your child some downtime rather than pushing them. However, don’t let their anxiety completely control what you do and don’t do. If your child is anxious about being left, and you don’t leave them, they will remain convinced that being separated from you means something bad will happen. Being separated from you is imperative for them to understand that separation is okay, and that they can handle it.
• Keep your word. Anxious children often worry about whether their parents will come back. If you have a history of keeping your word, your child will trust you to pick them up again as promised. If you are running late for a pick up, it is worth calling or emailing the carer or teacher so that they can explain to your child.
• Try to anticipate situations that your child may find difficult. Talk them through what to expect and what they should do. Make sure they know the adults are there that they can turn to for help if needed.
• Remember to look after yourself. Having a child who will not leave your side can be exhausting. To be strong for them, it is important that you care for yourself.

When to seek help

Like some people, you may feel that there is a stigma around poor mental health. You may be nervous about seeking outside help, but there is no reason to be.

If separation anxiety is impacting your child’s ability to do daily tasks, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people trained to work with children who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health issues. The sooner we acknowledge that it is okay to need support sometimes, the better for all of our children.

Where to get help

There are a few different places that provide support for parents trying to fix separation anxiety disorder in their children. Although there may not be quick, or easy solutions, they may be able to support you and your child, and help move things in the right direction.

• School: Most schools have workers who are trained to support children who are struggling with things like anxiety. They can also help to connect you with other charities or organisations who may be able to help.
• Local doctors surgery: General practitioners are able to support mental, as well as physical, health. They may not offer hands on help, but should be able to refer you to someone who can.
• Help lines: If you search on the internet, you are likely to find both local and national help lines that are able to provide support to children and young people who are struggling with issues like anxiety.

A final note

As we have discussed, a certain amount of separation anxiety in children is normal, and will usually fix itself in time. If your child is struggling and it is impacting their life in a negative way, or just not improving, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need support sometimes.

Separation anxiety isn’t easy, but hang in there. This too will pass.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Hormones: What They Are, Function & Types.” Cleveland Clinic, 23 Feb. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22464-hormones.

Contributing, Taylor,. “Separation Anxiety in Toddlers.” What to Expect, WhattoExpect, 15 Nov. 2016, www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/toddler-separation-anxiety.aspx#causes. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025.

Goldstein, Clark. “What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/.

Mayo Clinic. “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 5 Apr. 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.

NHS. “Separation Anxiety.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.

“Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It Happens and What to Do | Riley Children’s Health.” Www.rileychildrens.org, www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do.

Swanson, Wendy. “How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety.” HealthyChildren.org, 29 July 2021, www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx.

Watson, Renee. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children.” Www.nationwidechildrens.org, 1 Mar. 2023, www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.

Zara Jethani. “The Impact of Hormone Imbalances on Neurological Health and Memory – Pacific Neuroscience Institute.” Pacific Neuroscience Institute, 12 July 2024, www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-health/the-impact-of-hormone-imbalances-on-neurological-health-and-memory/.

If I had heard people talking about how to survive children’s birthday parties before I was a mother, I would have thought them miserable.

What could be more lovely than children’s birthday parties? Who asks how to survive something so joyful?

You may find the first few parties are indeed wonderful. They are too young to have friends, so the guest list consists of your friends and family. All your favourite people come and enjoy the cuteness of your toddler.

The dynamic changes, however, when a child starts school.

Now your child has friends, so the guest list includes a lot more little people, along with parents you don’t know. There will be children who don’t know how to behave kindly or struggle to do so. There will be parents who are likewise afflicted.

If it isn’t your party, or if you are catering to please the little people, there will likely be sugar. When sugar mixes with excited children the result is the same as when you put a mint into cola. That is, explosive and messy.

Then there are gifts. Buying gifts for children you don’t know is difficult. Receiving gifts for your child isn’t always fun either. Even if they aren’t gifted glitter or slime-making kits, you have to make room for new toys, some of which you know they will never play with.

So are children’s birthday parties just something we have to survive, or can we find ways to make them fun, or at least peaceful?

How to survive children’s parties as a guest

As a guest, there is less pressure on you. At the very worst it is a few hours sitting in a noisy room, making nice to other parents.

Here are a few tips to help you, when your child starts getting invited to parties.

Gifts

The truth is, it is okay not to spend a fortune on gifts. If you are struggling financially don’t feel pressured to pay out silly amounts. Especially as there are likely to be multiple parties over the year. A fiver in a card is plenty.

If you do want to get gifts rather than cash, it is sometimes worth having a go-to gift for each year, that you buy for every party. That way you only have to think about it once, and all other parties you have a gift idea ready.

My favourite go-to gift was a pocket microscope. However, you can tailor it to your child’s age and the common interests in their group.

Behaviour

As we have already discussed, excitement and sugar can be a dangerous combination. A lot of birthday parties are awash with both. Even if your child is normally well-behaved, they may struggle to make the right choices amid the hullaballoo of a party.

Of course, children are still learning, and messy moments cannot be avoided. To give your child the best chance of making good choices, remind them of behaviour expectations.

Talk to them about food choices, too. It isn’t easy when there is an array of sugar and other children are just dabbing in. A little moderation and some balancing out with savoury can help your child avoid a big sugar high and low.

Can I drop and run?

It is a beautiful thing, when children are old enough to have drop-off parties. However, there will often be times when you aren’t sure if it’s drop-off or if parents are expected to stay. The safest option is always to expect to stay unless it is specifically stated that the party is drop-off, or unless there is a pickup time indicated. If the invite just has the time the party ends plan to stay.

If you are able, offer to help the parent who is hosting. Extra hands to cut cakes, pour juice or dole out party bags are often welcome. As well as modelling kindness to your child, when you help you get to know other parents a little more.

Can I bring a sibling?

Not every parent has childcare to fall back on. For those with multiple children, this can make taking one to a party difficult.

If you need to bring a sibling, ask the hosting parent in advance, and be sure to offer to pay for any costs, or be clear that your other child will be sat to the side watching.

If your child isn’t invited

It is hard to stand in line and watch a child handing out invites pass over your child. It is harder when the child hosting the party is someone your child counts as a friend. I have been there. It pulls a little at your heartstrings when you see the disappointment in your child’s face.

If you struggled socially when you were little it can cut a little deeper. You might relive the times that you were left out when you were a child, and begin to fear you have that your child will go through the same pain.

The thing is, parenting isn’t about shielding your child from difficult moments. Rather it is about helping them cope with them. Children are constantly learning. Use moments like this to help them learn things that are healthy and true.

When your child isn’t invited, let them feel sad. Remind them that everyone is left out sometimes and that is ok. Things aren’t always fair. Keep teaching them to be kind and true to who they are. Most of all trust that they will develop resilience and perspective in time. For these traits to develop it is important they experience rejection at some point.

It’s ok to say no

If your child is in a class where everyone gets invited to every party, it is okay to say no occasionally. You do not need an excuse to say “no.” The need for downtime, self-care, and time at home is real. If you go to 20 children’s birthday parties within a year, it will become about how to survive rather than having fun.

How to survive children’s parties as a host

Planning children’s parties can be fun, but a little stressful at times. Let’s look at a few ways that you can survive children’s birthday parties as a host.

Does it need to be a party?

In the first few years of school, there will be lots of children’s birthday parties for your child to enjoy, and you to survive. Naturally, your child will likely want one too. However, older children are often just as happy doing something fun with their best friends. When there are just a few children to cater for there are so many more activities that you can do, and even with a fancier activity, the price will go down.

It may be worth offering them the choice between a party and a few different activities that you know they would like with one or two friends.

Guest list

Some schools require you to invite the whole class, but if you have the freedom to invite less be kind. Inviting nearly the whole class and leaving out two or three children can cause a lot of hurt for those few left out.

If you are planning a larger party but don’t want to invite everyone, perhaps stick to the children that your child often plays with so there is a natural cutoff.

It is perfectly fine to mix worlds if your child has friends from school, clubs and beyond. Most children are naturally sociable, and love making new friends.

Sending out invitations

Sometimes your only option is to hand out invitations in the class line. It can be worth checking with the class teacher however, as sometimes they are willing to pop invitations into bags for you.

Include an RSVP by date, your details and any requirements that the venue may have.

Since you will probably send the invites out a few weeks in advance, a text the week before checking for any dietary requirements can remind any parents who might have forgotten about the party.

Gift Bags

There are so many fun and original alternatives to cheap plastic toys and sweets for gift bags.

Here are a few ideas:

• Quiet night in theme, with silly socks (from a multipack to keep it to budget), a book and a hot chocolate sachet.
• Ask your child to make a beaded friendship bracelet with each friends name and put it in a little bag with lip gloss and a little hand cream.
• Soft toy adoption- get little teddies or other cuddles for each child with adoption certificates.
• Check out websites where you can buy books in bulk on a budget and wrap one up for each child with their name on it
• Buy each child something to take home and personalise. There are a lot of options out there. Make your own mug kit; build a birdhouse kit etc.
• Find pretty pots and packs of seeds for the children to grow their own flowers at home

Uninvited guests

Whilst it is a good idea to have a spare party bag in case someone forgets to RSVP, you do not need to cater for any uninvited siblings who show up. If you can afford it and you choose to, that is kind, but if your budget doesn’t allow it, it isn’t your responsibility.

You do not have to be confrontational, just be clear. “I’ve prebooked the party children, but if Sally’s sister wants to play too, you can book her in over there. There should be menus too, if you want to order her some food.”

Or, if there isn’t the option to add on children, “I’m afraid the venue is pre-book only, but it will be lovely having Sally’s sister hanging out with us grown-ups today.”

Catering

There are venues that will cater for you, which can take a lot of the pressure off you. Most venues will cater to dietary requirements also.

If you are catering, here are a few options:

• Put out rolls and fillings, along with a few bits to go on the side and let the children make their own sandwich. This is better for older children, who can do more independently.
• Order in pizza. Sometimes simple.
• To reduce waste, make snack boxes. List sandwich fillings on the invite for guests to choose ahead, and make a box for each child with a sandwich, and a few other snacks.
• Make your own pizza. I know, I have listed pizza twice. Pizza is usually popular, and easy to prep. If you are hosting the party at home, prep some pizza bases and let the children add sauce, cheese and topping. Remember to write the child’s name on the baking parchment next to their creation. You will probably have to bake in batches and use foil to keep warm.
• Prep a few different types of pasta and a few different sauces and let the children fill their bowls with their favourites. Although this can be fun, it does require cooking during the party so you might want helpers if you are going this way. Be sure to drizzle the plain pastas with a little bit of olive oil to stop them sticking.
• Roast vegetable salad bar. Just joking. If you get 20 six-year-olds to eat a roast vegetable salad, you are my hero.

Just make sure that you label any allergens clearly if you have a child with dietary requirements.

Depending on budget, you might want to lay out a few snacks and drinks for the adults too, but you don’t have to.

Cake

If you enjoy baking, making your child’s birthday cake can be so much fun, but don’t ever feel guilty if you aren’t able to.

An easier option is to buy a store-bought cake and then personalise it with your own toppings. This could be adding your child’s favourite candy, or using toy figurines to make it themed.

If you are on a tight time limit, cutting and wrapping up cake slices may be difficult. Another option is to pre-wrap cupcakes and take the main cake home as is.

Gifts

I would advise against opening gifts at a party. Firstly, because children can be candid in their reactions. If they love one gift and dislike another they may not be as subtle as we would hope. Secondly, there is the possibility that other children will try to play with their new toys which can lead to tears.

It is safer by far to open gifts after the party, and then either text thank yous, or videos of your child saying thank you to the givers.

If you are hosting the party at a venue be sure to take bags to carry gifts home in.

Final note

There will be a certain amount of stress associated with children’s birthday parties, but you can do more than survive, you can have fun. Or at least enjoy watching your child have fun.

Knowing how to survive tantrums or meltdowns can be invaluable throughout your child’s early years.

If you have a child over one you will probably have experienced the drama and emotional distress that comes when your sweet child transfers into a mini hulk.

Of course, if one happens at home it’s hard. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be out in public when meltdowns or tantrums come, though you know you will survive, it can be mortifying.

Tantrums and meltdowns are never fun. We can more than survive, however. In the messy moments, we can connect with our children and help them thrive.

The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Many people use the words tantrum and meltdown interchangeably. Are they the same thing?

There is no clinical definition of either a tantrum or meltdown, although many agree on differences.

For simplicity, throughout this post, when I talk about a meltdown it is when your child has lost all control. When I speak about tantrums, they still can act with purpose, although they may need support with emotional regulation. (Nannery and Nannery, 2021)

One small note. There is sometimes the assumption that only children who are neurodivergent can have meltdowns. Meltdowns can indeed be more regular and intense for neurodivergent children. However, neurotypical children and adults can also have meltdowns.

Now we have looked at the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, lets discuss how to survive them.

How to survive tantrums and meltdowns

There are steps you can take to make tantrums and meltdowns less painful for both you and child.

Step 1. Before it begins

The best cure for most things is prevention. Unfortunately, children have big emotions they which they cannot always understand or control.

Once a child turns five, they can begin to regulate some of their emotions. As with adults, if they are hungry, tired or just overwhelmed this might be hard. (Rouse, 2016)

Younger children will have less emotional control. They are also less advanced in speech and communication. Therefore they may struggle to let adults know what they want or need. (Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2019)

You cannot stop all tantrums and meltdowns. Yet you may be able to avoid some by understanding your child and predicting their needs.

Hunger and Tiredness

I will be the first to admit that when I am hungry or tired I can be cranky. I don’t think I am the adult for whom that is true. It is even more true for children.

Ensuring that your child has enough sleep can help limit tantrums and meltdowns. Keeping regular mealtimes, and carrying snacks for between meals is also important.

Unpredictability and lack of control

As adults, we are likely to enter most days with some sort of idea of what will happen. Throughout the day we have freedom in what we do, where we go etc. Children often don’t have the same luxury.

Even if we tell our children plans ahead of time, their perception of time is still developing and they might not understand or remember what is happening when. They will also have limited control over many of the happenings. As adults, this would be hard to handle. It is understandable why sometimes children struggle.

There are things that you can do to help. Picture boards showing children the order of the day can help them orientate themselves. Keep talking about what is next as this is a concept that they will understand at a younger age, rather than ‘this evening’, or ‘tomorrow lunchtime.”

Interactive routine charts are a great tool. They help engage the child and give them an element of control. Sometimes, letting them make little choices can also help.

Disconnection

Connection is a human need. There is a growing amount of research proofing that are biological built to socialise and connect with other humans. (Braren, 2023) This means that connecting with your child throughout the day is imperative.

Modern life is busy. We often rush from place to place, tackling to-do lists and other people’s demands. In quieter moments, the temptation to bury our heads in our phones is sometimes too great to resist.

Throughout this, our children are carried from place to place. They may feel like they are an additional burden that we are trying to manage. A little connection can go a long way.

Children love to help. Try giving them a job alongside you. This can involve them and help them feel part of what is happening. It might be something little. If you are running errands, ask them to tick the errands off as you complete them. If you are cleaning they can wipe skirtings or window sills.

It is hard, but try to make time, away from the busyness, to be with your children. No phones. No distractions. You and them

If children have a strong bond with their grown-ups, it can help them to understand and learn to control their emotions. (Department for Education, 2022) Hopefully that will mean less meltdowns.

They struggle to handle ‘no’

The part of a child’s brain which handles things, like impulse control, delayed gratification and critical thinking is often called the ‘upstairs brain.’ It is not fully developed until the 20’s. Adults, with our fully developed brains, don’t like to hear ‘no’. It is no wonder that children struggle. If you want to read more about the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is a great article.

So should we give children everything that they ask for? Definitely not. We can, however, offer the word ‘no,’ with empathy and perspective.

Empathy can be shown with phrases like, ‘I know you are frustrated that you can’t play longer,’ or ‘I know you are disappointed that you can’t have cake.’ This helps your child to feel seen, and also shows them how to label and understand their emotions.

Perspective can also help. Children live in the now. If they are told ‘no’ it might feel like ‘no’ is forever. It can help to reword a ‘no’ to a ‘not yet.’ For example, ‘We can’t buy that cake today. Would you like it next month as your birthday cake?’ Or, ‘We aren’t buying toys today. Do you want me to take a photo of that, and you can save up your pocket money to come back?

Of course, sometimes ‘no’ just means ‘no.’ In time, with help, our children will learn to handle them.

Other reasons

Many other factors can also be in play. Pay attention to if your child has a tantrum or meltdown during specific times or in specific locations. Look for what might be causing it. If your child can talk, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. (“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?”, 2024)

Step 2. What’s that coming over the hill?

Your child may go from sweet and kind to a full-on rage monster in a flash. You will not always see a tantrum or a meltdown coming.

Step one will not always work, as you cannot prevent all tantrums and meltdowns. This step, may not work either. Sometimes you cannot predict a messy moment.

If you can, however, acting preemptively will help you to survive the tantrums or meltdowns when they arrive.

Perhaps you are in a grocery store, and your child is begging for a treat. You notice their repetitive demands are getting louder and more emotive. A tantrum is coming.

You could stop it by giving in and buying them the treat. This is the easy way out. One I am sure we have all taken. I know that I have. It is not the best way. Children should not get their way by throwing tantrums. They need to learn to solve problems and communicate without screaming or crying.

So, you may need to weather the tantrum. If you see one coming heed the signs.

If you want to survive tantrums and meltdowns with minimal damage, you need to prepare.

Firstly, take steps to ensure you can give your child your full attention. If you are out of the house, this may mean excusing yourself from a conversation or stashing your shopping cart to the side. At home, it could be ensuring siblings are occupied and safe, or switching a pan off if you are in the middle of cooking.

In a crowded place, find somewhere quiet. Tantrums and meltdowns are easier, and pass faster, if you do not have an audience.

Step 3. Bring your calm to the storm

When the tantrum or meltdown starts, there is very little that you can do to stop it. Those big feelings are there and need to be let out.

Let your child tell you what is wrong, and continue gently enforcing those boundaries. For some children, labelling how they feel may help. Hold strong.

The hardest part during this step is acceptance. No one wants to sit for ten minutes with an angry child who doesn’t want to put on the school uniform. I promise you, however, that taking the time to sit with your little one will get you out the door a lot faster than trying to wrestle clothes onto their squirming body and then carrying them kicking and screaming down the road.

During this time, if we are calm it will help our little one find calm too.

What if I don’t have time?

When children are young, it helps to leave ten minutes of grace time for moments like this. Sometimes you may be late. Take a big breath. It will not be the end of the world. When this is over you will be able to handle the aftermath.

So I just sit there? Isn’t there anything I can do or say to make it go faster?

In their messiest moments, children care often unable to listen to reason.

We spoke a bit earlier about the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is impulsive, reactive and in control of fight or flight.

When a child is angry or scared, a part of the brain called the ‘amygdala’ gives full control to the downstairs brain. In the days of our ancestors, this would have been important for survival. The downstairs brain is faster and geared to self-preservation. Unfortunately, it means your child can’t engage in pragmatic dialogue until the upper brain is back in control. (Mine Conkbayir, 2023)

So, a lot of this time is waiting. Use non-aggressive body language and ensure your child doesn’t hurt anyone or break anything. Hold your peace, and know that this messy moment will pass.

Don’t yell

Tantrums are hard on parents. It is natural to feel angry and frustrated. This frustration leads some parents to try to yell their children into submission.

Unfortunately, yelling at a child will increase their stress and fear, keeping them in fight or flight mode.

If you need to, walking away is always a better option than yelling.

A little hack

If child’s upper brain isn’t kick in, there are things that you can do to help.

It is unlikely that in the middle of a messy moment, you will get your child to talk about the situation they are raging against. They may, however, engage on other topics.

Ask them what they remember from a story they know, facts about an animal. If they are old enough to do basic maths, say a sum wrong and let them correct you. The upper brain is needed for reasoning or remembering tasks, and it may well help it to take the lead again.

Once you have their upstairs brains back engaged, you may be able to talk calmly about the situation at hand.

Step 4. Coming back together

When the raging is finished you can start to connect again with your child.

This is the point where you can talk to them, and help them understand appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Keep any lessons short and move on.

Giving something is not giving in

Sometimes little things can help a child feel seen. There are often creative ways that you can help a little one feel that their needs are being met.

For example, if they are angry that they have to go to school, suggest doing something fun together at the weekend. Maybe they want a toy, and you can come up with a way for them to do chores to earn money to buy it. For those who are reluctant to don their school uniform, they may enjoy choosing clothes to wear when they get back home.

Being little is hard. Our children have so much to learn and many things are out of their control. A little kindness is never a bad idea.

Step 5. Moving forwards

Should you punish a tantrum?

I have heard the argument, ‘If you don’t punish a tantrum, they will keep doing it.’ I don’t believe that is true. Most children will not find throwing a tantrum pleasant or dignifying. A meltdown even less so. They are likely to come out feeling embarrassed and a little shaken.

Furthermore, these big feelings are often out of your child’s control.

I do not advocate punishing a tantrum. If, however, throughout the tantrum, your child has made a mess, they can tidy it. If they have hurt someone or broken something it is right that they make amends.

Positive consequences

The lessons that we teach our little ones throughout their childhood are likely to form how they face life as adults.

Therefore, a good measure when looking at the consequences we give, is ‘Would I want them to do this to themselves when they are grown up.’

For example, if your best friend said she had messed up and so wasn’t going on the spa day she had booked, because she didn’t deserve it you would think she was crazy.

If however, the same friend realised that she had been over-emotional recently and decided to have some early nights and try to watch her sugar, you would likely commend her.

Punishment for the sake of punishment will not benefit your child. When you discipline your child try to think about if you are hurting them or helping them. For example, if your child is struggling to control their emotions things like limiting screen so they spend more time connecting with family, limiting sugar and prioritising sleep are all things that can help. It is, of course, unlikely that your child will love any of these initiatives. They may view them as punishments. You will know, however, that you are acting in your child’s best interest. For more about the difference between punishment and discipline check out this article.

A final note

Whilst tantrums and meltdowns are not pleasant, you will survive. As your child grows they will likely learn how to control those big emotions, and there will be less messy moments.

Until then, remember that if you want to be a place of calm for your little one, it is imperative to look after yourself.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Braren, Stephen. “The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need.” Social Creatures, 24 May 2023, www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Department for Education. “Help for Early Years Providers : Emotions.” Help-For-Early-Years-Providers.education.gov.uk, 6 Sept. 2022, help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/areas-of-learning/personal-social-and-emotional-development/emotions. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Go, Kids That. “The Upstairs and Downstairs of the Brain: Part One – Kids That Go.” Kids That Go, 8 May 2020, kidsthatgo.com/upstairs-and-downstairs-brain-part-one/?srsltid=AfmBOorPMktgYr-YqBX14Sbd7w2WFroEI2H0SWbZ9hHN3s5Rcjnd-pR_. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Jones, Gareth. “Tantrum or Autism Meltdown?” Experia, 3 Aug. 2023, www.experia.co.uk/blog/7-differences-between-tantrums-and-autism-meltdowns/.

“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z3g3cxs. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Miller, Caroline. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Mine Conkbayir. “Neuroscience: Understand the “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” Brain – Nursery World.” Nursery World, 27 Apr. 2023, www.nurseryworld.co.uk/content/features/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain/.

Morin, Amanda . “The Difference between Tantrums and Meltdowns.” Www.understood.org, www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-meltdowns.

Nannery, Sarah, and Lance Nannery. “What Is the Difference between a Meltdown and a Tantrum?” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-to-say-next/202105/what-is-the-difference-between-a-meltdown-and-a-tantrum. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Reeck, Crystal, et al. “The Social Regulation of Emotion: An Integrative, Cross-Disciplinary Model.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 47–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.09.003.

Rouse, Matthew. “How Can We Help Kids with Self-Regulation?” Child Mind Institute, 2016, childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Schilling, Elizabeth. “Temper Tantrums (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. “Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones.” Stanfordchildrens.org, 2019, www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=age-appropriate-speech-and-language-milestones-90-P02170. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Tao, Ting, et al. “Development of Self-Control in Children Aged 3 to 9 Years: Perspective from a Dual-Systems Model.” Scientific Reports, vol. 4, no. 1, 11 Dec. 2014, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5377018/, https://doi.org/10.1038/srep07272.

“The Difference between Meltdowns & Tantrums – Autism Treatment Center.” Autism Treatment Center of America, autismtreatmentcenter.org/knowledge-base/the-difference-between-meltdowns-and-tantrums/.

Twito, Louise, et al. “The Motivational Aspect of Children’s Delayed Gratification: Values and Decision Making in Middle Childhood.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 10, no. 1649, 31 July 2019, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01649.

When to Worry about Toddler Temper Tantrums. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums.

How to help children cope with death, is a question we will all face eventually. Death is a fact relevant to all humankind. It is one that many people struggle to come to terms with.

Even adults find the mortality of those that they love difficult to acknowledge.  It is no easier for a child. 

  In the West death can be a taboo subject, meaning that many children will not encounter the concept until it affects them personally.   Childhood is a vulnerable stage of life.  Our little ones depend on their adults for their survival.  Therefore realising that a person can go from being there to being gone, can be terrifying.  

Children have also lived shorter lives and seen less change.  Many things can feel permanent to them.   Unshakable.  As long as they have been aware, some things have been constant.  It can feel strange and unsettling when Grandma is no longer at the house she has always lived in.

Emotions are Okay

Death is a painful subject. Pain is the very last thing that we want for our little ones.  When they first become aware of what is happening and display negative emotions, it is tempting to hide them from what is happening or distract them. 

This is an understandable response, which in the short term could work.  However, pretending death doesn’t exist, and distracting children from their emotions is not a long-term solution. 

It is important to talk to our children about death.  Only by being open with them, in an age-appropriate way, will they be able to understand and then accept the harsh facts.  Without that understanding and acceptance, death can become a terrifying mystery that lingers in the back of their minds. If we want our children to cope with their feelings, we have to help our little ones find ways to process and express them.

As well as talking to them, listen.  Hear what they say without trying to ‘fix’ what can’t be fixed.

Often when a child is experiencing a loss, so are you. Sometimes letting your child know you are sad too, can help them feel less alone. Make sure that you take time for yourself. We want to be strong for our children. Remember that in order to be strong, self-care is important during difficult times.

The Questions

Your child may well have a lot of questions about what has happened.   There might be questions that you know answers for, but it is okay to be honest about what you don’t know.

When explaining death to a child, Child Bereavement UK suggests using direct language.  Cliches like ‘passed away’, or ‘didn’t make it’ can increase their confusion. 

No child needs gory details.  Simple and practical information can be helpful though.  When children are left in the dark their imaginations can fill in the gaps, and often their fantasies are scarier than the truth. Offering clarity can be an important part of how we help children to cope with death.

Explaining physical death, thanks to modern science, can be simple.  You can talk about things they may already be aware of, such as the importance of the heartbeat and breath As far as the spiritual side, that is something you can adapt to fit your family’s beliefs.

The Fears

Death can cause children a lot of fear.  They may ask questions about what will happen if they die, or if you die.  

These fears are normal.  When they come, stay calm.  It is important to let your child talk about their fear to you.  These won’t be pleasant conversations, but they are important.  Our children need to understand it is normal to have these fears. Furthermore, they mustn’t be forced to close the fear in their hearts to deal with it alone.

So don’t be afraid to talk. Maybe talk about how you are working to ensure that your child, and those in your household, will be healthy and safe.  Acknowledge that death is sad and scary, but remind them that the reason death is so terrifying is because life is so great. 

Whilst a fear of death and anxiety around the topic is normal, there may be times when it gets out of control.  Thanatophobia, an anxiety disorder centred around the fear of death, is just as common in children as it is in adults.   If your child’s fear begins to impact their daily routines, or if you go over six months and they are still experiencing anxiety, then it is important to get them support. Death can be hard for children to cope with, but there are people out there who are trained to help.

Where to get support if your child is struggling with death anxiety?

• Make an appointment with your local GP.  They can work with you and help get you the right support.
• Talk to your child’s school.  Many schools have support systems in place to help children who are struggling with mental health
• Call a mental health helpline.  If you google mental health support, and your location, there are often charities and help centers that can offer support.

The Funeral

Funerals can offer children a chance to say goodbye and can help with closure for children who are struggling to cope with a loved one’s death.  It can also help them to feel less alone, as they join with others to grieve a death and celebrate a life.  You may not know the tone of the funeral in advance, but some are crafted to highlight gratitude for all that the person was.  This can help little ones refocus from the pain of the loss and onto the positive aspects of the loved one’s life.

Funerals can also, however, be emotional.  If a child is feeling vulnerable the intensity of a funeral can be overwhelming, rather than helpful.  Especially if this is the first death they have encountered, some children may worry that they will not be able to cope.

If your child is old enough to know their mind, let them choose if to attend the funeral, or stay away.  Giving them an element of control can be empowering, especially when everything may feel so out of control.

Moving forward

The pain of a loved one’s death will not dissipate overnight.  There are a few things that you can do to support your child, now and in the months afterwards, and to help them process their pain.

Offer space for your child to express their emotions through art

Before the funeral perhaps you could allow your child to write a letter or draw a picture to be buried with the loved one, or alongside their ashes.

Let them free draw, paint, or build too.  Art can help to express emotions. If your child is having a day when they are finding it hard to cope with worries about death, or adapting to the change, they might not know how to vocalise all their feelings. Colouring pencils can provide a wonderful outlet.

Tell stories

Although your loved one may no longer be there, you can keep their memory alive by telling their stories to your child.  Depending on their age, your child may have their own stories, too.  Storytelling is incredibly therapeutic and can help children to understand their emotions and put them into perspective.  Repetition is part of the process, so be patient if your child wants the same story for the 10^th time. 

Create a memory box or book

Find photos, letters, cards and whatever else you can collect to make a box or a scrapbook to remember the loved one. Then set aside time to work on it together, letting your child fill the book with pictures, notes or stories.

Also, if you have lost a close family member and are clearing their house, perhaps there may be something that you can set aside for your child to remember them by.  

Create a ritual

Finally, it can be special to plan one or two moments a year to remember those no longer with us.

You can combine this with an annual holiday, or use birthdays. Traditions will be individual for each family, so find something that works for you.

Resources

As well as conversations, there are books that can help children with the passing of a loved one.

Here a list of a few of my favourites.

The Memory Tree

Fox has lived a long and happy life in the forest, but now he is tired. He lies down in his favourite clearing, and falls asleep for ever. Before long, Fox’s friends begin to gather in the clearing. One by one, they tell stories of the special moments that they shared with Fox. And so, as they share their memories, a tree begins to grow, becoming bigger and stronger with each memory, sheltering and protecting all the animals in the forest, just as Fox did when he was alive.

Lost in the Clouds

Billy misses his mummy very much. She lives in the clouds. Some days the sun is shining and Mummy’s clouds are nowhere to be seen. Those are Billy’s favourite days. He and Daddy would play in the garden all day long, and Billy knows that Mummy is letting the sun shine for them. But not all days are like that. Sometimes Mummy’s clouds are dark, and Billy feels sad and alone.

Disclaimer: This is a beautiful story, but it does deal with the loss of a parent. It might not be right for a child who is struggling with death anxiety.

I Can’t Believe They’re Gone

Join the mouse family on an emotional journey as Bear, their empathetic companion, helps them navigate the complexities of grief and its unique expressions.
Additionally, throughout this beautifully written picture storybook, children will discover the stages of grief, common feelings, and meaningful ways to honor the memory of their loved ones.

A final note

The passing of a loved one is difficult for all involved. Be kind to yourself, and know that you will get through this.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Child Bereavement UK. “Supporting a Bereaved Pupil in a Primary School.” Child Bereavement UK, 29 Mar. 2019, www.childbereavementuk.org/primary-schools-supporting-bereaved-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“Explaining Death and Dying to Children.” Child Bereavement UK, www.childbereavementuk.org/explaining-death-and-dying-to-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Fritscher , Lisa. “How to Help Children Overcome the Fear of Death.” Verywell Mind, 23 Jan. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-death-in-children-2671783#:~:text=Anxiety%20and%20distress%20about%20death. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Gire, James. “How Death Imitates Life: Cultural Influences on Conceptions of Death and Dying.” Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, vol. 6, no. 2, 1 Dec. 2014, scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1120&context=orpc, https://doi.org/10.9707/2307-0919.1120.

Gordon, Sherri . “How Can I Get My Child to Stop Being Preoccupied about Death?” Verywell Family, 31 Aug. 2020, www.verywellfamily.com/help-child-to-stop-worrying-about-death-1448615. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Holland, Kimberly. “Everything You Should Know about Thanatophobia.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 27 Sept. 2017, www.healthline.com/health/thanatophobia. Accessed 5 July 2024.

How Different Cultures around the World Deal with Death. – Clear Cremations. 10 Apr. 2023, clearcremations.com/how-do-different-cultures-from-around-the-world-deal-with-death/#:~:text=Cultures%20around%20the%20world%20have. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“How to Talk to Children about Death and Dying.” Hospice UK, www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/your-guide-to-hospice-end-of-life-care/how-talk-children-about-death-and-dying. Accessed 3 July 2024.

LifeCare, Lower Cape Fear. “How to Help a Grieving Child Cope: 20 Comforting Tips.” Lower Cape Fear LifeCare, 11 Aug. 2021, lifecare.org/news-events/20-ways-to-help-a-grieving-child/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

NHS. “Children and Bereavement.” Nhs.uk, 4 Feb. 2021, www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-and-bereavement/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Porteous-Sebouhian, Bryony. “How Accepting Our Mortality Can Be Freeing.” MHT, 10 Sept. 2021, www.mentalhealthtoday.co.uk/blog/the-journey-to-accept-our-own-mortality-can-be-more-freeing-than-we-d-ever-expect.

Salek, Elyse, and Kenneth Ginsburg. “How Children Understand Death & What You Should Say.” HealthyChildren.org, 2019, www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx. Accessed 3 July 2024.

  Self-care as a parent may seem selfish. That is not true.  Looking after yourself can help you give your best to your child.

 Here is a great article, explaining how your own self-care can benefit your child.

By looking after yourself you will be showing your children how to do the same. As your children grow and develop, they will learn more from what you show them, than what you tell them.  You can teach them by daily example, how to prioritise their own wellness.     

Let’s explore some practical ways that we can care for ourselves, in the midst of our full schedules and chaotic lives. 

1.     Declutter your home

Our environment impacts our mental health.  Messy spaces increase the feeling of stress and anxiety, whereas tidy spaces can calm us down.  This is explained more thoroughly in this article, by Very Well Mind. (Lindberg, 2023)

  With craft projects, toys and little treasures collected along the way, your house can soon fill up past capacity.  Constantly looking for a better way to organise our homes to fit our little ones’ treasures can be stressful.

 Decluttering your whole home at once may seem overwhelming.  Instead, try to make a habit of throwing away anything you find, that you will probably not use again.  Occasionally ask your children to choose one thing that they no longer need. As they pare down their belongings, they can learn to value and look after what they have left.

2.     Eat to feel good

 When life is busy your diet can be one of the first things to suffer.  It is easy to gravitate to unhealthier foods that are convenient.  Sugar and caffeine can become staples, as you battle sleep deprivation.  

 Eating well can have a huge impact on your mood and energy levels.  Recent research shows that what you eat affects what kind of bacteria lives in your gut. The bacteria in your gut play a big role in both your physical and mental health. (Harvard Health Publishing, 2023)

 You don’t have to spend hours cooking to prepare nutritious food. Frozen fruit and vegetables are great, when you don’t have time to peel or chop.  A meal plan can help you be more intentional about what you eat.  As well as including foods that nourish your body, find healthy dishes that you enjoy.  You work hard and deserve good food.    

Here are some easy to fix recipes that will leave you feeling great!

3.     Sleep when you can

 Sleep deprivation is hard. Lack of sleep can hurt both your physical and mental health. (Mental Health Foundation, 2011)

Unfortunately, it doesn’t end when your child starts sleeping through the night.  Late night chores, insomnia, bedwetting, and those children that always wake up at 5am, can all impact how much sleep you get.  

 Many of these things you can’t control. However, there are things that you can do to prioritise sleep and get more rest.  

Leaving your phone outside your room means you won’t be tempted to stay awake browsing social media.  Sleep meditations can help you quiet your mind.  For older children who rise early, a box of quiet morning activities could keep them occupied, and let you sleep longer.

 On days when nothing works, remember one day our children will become teenagers, and hopefully, love to sleep as much as we do.

4.     Keep things simple

 The internet is a great resource for extravagant recipes and DIY instructions.   There is an endless number of projects that you could embark on.

 Please remember, just because you could do 1,000 things, you don’t have to.  My rule now, is stop, when it stops being fun.  Unfortunately, this is only a rule for things that I am doing in the name of fun, and not applicable to housework. It is more important for you as a parent to take care of yourself, than it is to rebrand as Wonder Woman.

  If you are short on patience, time, or energy there is no shame in buying a ready-made birthday cake, or grabbing pizzas from the freezer for a play date.   Children can have lots of fun with colouring, or a board game. They do not need to make a replica of the Titanic out of toilet roll inserts and empty yoghurt pots. 

 At the end of the day, the memories that you will be making with them will be happier, if you are happier.  Do not be ashamed to simplify.

5.     Use social media with care

It isn’t hard to find a picture-perfect parent on social media.  Those influencers who always look happy, rested, and calm. Their children are smiling in every video, with clean clothes and immaculate homes in the background.

When these posts come into your feed, it can make you feel small and inadequate.  Subconsciously you may find yourself comparing your difficult reality to the dream being portrayed on your screen.

 It is important to remember that social media is not real.  If it is not staged, then it is at best, a heavily edited version of the lives that the influencers are living.

 Parenting is messy and difficult.  Even the most grounded children struggle with big feelings. Every good parent has had bad days.

If anyone’s posts make you feel bad, unfollow them.  Instead, follow people who inspire you, make you laugh or encourage you.  

6.     Self-care as a parent in the mornings

I do not naturally love mornings.  I often wake up groggy, and still tired, unlike my children who wake up in ‘go’ mode. If my children are up first I will probably get bounced on and peppered with questions before I have remembered I am meant to be kind.

I have learnt that if you want to practise self-care in the morning, it helps to set your alarm for earlier and be the first one up.  This can be tricky if you have a family of early risers, but it is worth it.

Of course, we are balancing this with the need for more sleep. This might not work for every family.

If you are able, however, take the time for you. Meditate, do a short yoga video, plan your day, whisper affirmations to yourself in the bathroom mirror, or just sit with a cup of hot coffee and browse silly videos.   

Having that time will help you feel one step ahead.  If you are lucky, the calm that you have found in those moments will help set the mood for the rest of the family.

7.     Create a support system

 As families are becoming more spread out, and the retirement age is slowly creeping higher, there is often less support for young families from grandparents.

 If you do not have a natural support system, could you create one?  Reach out to other parents in the same situation, and see if you can help each other out.  

   It doesn’t have to be babysitting.  Little things, like sharing lifts to clubs, can be a great help.   As well as lessening the burden, by collaborating with other parents you will feel less alone.   Also, having adults that you trust, and with whom your children are comfortable is incredibly useful for emergencies.

8. The 5-minute rule- Self care for parents when it all goes wrong

 This is a rule that I have for my children, but it works for grown-ups too.  Life is hard. Sometimes, the best self-care that we can give ourselves as a parent is having time to not be okay.   Of course, we can’t afford hours to sit in bed eating ice cream, feeling sorry for ourselves.  This is where the five-minute rule comes in.

 When you feel you need it, take five minutes to just feel what you are feeling. 

The rules for my children during this time, are you do not break anything, don’t do anything that would hurt yourself or someone else, and don’t say anything unkind.

 I have the same rules for myself, although I added a few.  During my five minutes, I am not allowed to text, or do any online shopping.  I also stay away from sugar and alcohol.

 After five minutes, take a big breath, decide what you need to do to move on, and do it.

Remember, this too shall pass.

9.     Connect with adults

Our little people are wonderful but don’t forget to fill your world with grown-ups too.  Healthy relationships are imperative for your well-being. (Pezirkianidis et al., 2023)

 Spending time with other parents can be a brilliant antidote to social media, reminding you that other people are fighting the same battles you are.  

 Also, spending time with non-parents can remind you of your interests outside of parenting.

10.     Find the things that make you smile

 Identify the things that energize you, or make you smile.  The days go quickly, and there is lots to do, but make time for what you love.

 Do you enjoy crafting? Set an evening aside every week to craft.  If you are a runner, could you run the long way home, after the school drop off? 

 If you are not sure what would work for you, do a little experimenting.  Try a few activities and see how you feel after each one.

Aim to make a moment every day that brings you joy.

A final note

These are just a few ideas of ways to prioritize self-care as parents. 

It is you that your children will look to when life gets stormy.  As their place of calm and stability, you are worth looking after.   As a human-being you are worth looking after.

 What can you do today to begin to take care of yourself?  You are well practised at noticing child’s needs and meeting them.  Realise your own needs. How can you meet them?

 I wish you all the peace,

Hannah

References

Casares, Whitney. “Importance of Self-Care: Why Parents Need Time out to Recharge.” HealthyChildren.org, www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/Importance-of-Self-Care.aspx.

Harvard Health Publishing. “The Gut-Brain Connection.” Harvard Health, Harvard Health, 18 July 2023, www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

“Healthy Family Meals.” BBC Food, www.bbc.co.uk/food/collections/healthy_family_food.

Lindberg, Sara. “How Your Environment Affects Your Mental Health.” Verywell Mind, 23 Mar. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/how-your-environment-affects-your-mental-health-5093687. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Lipkin, Nicole. “The Importance of Parental Mental Health When It Comes to Our Children.” Forbes, 11 July 2023, www.forbes.com/sites/nicolelipkin/2023/07/11/the-importance-of-parental-mental-health-when-it-comes-to-our-children/. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Mental Health Foundation. “Sleep Matters: The Impact of Sleep on Health and Wellbeing.” Www.mentalhealth.org.uk, 2011, www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/sleep-matters-impact-sleep-health-and-wellbeing. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

News, Neuroscience. “Why Household Mess Triggers Stress and Anxiety.” Neuroscience News, 4 Sept. 2023, neurosciencenews.com/anxiety-stress-messy-home-23874/. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

NSPCC. “Parental Mental Health Problems.” NSPCC Learning, 2021, learning.nspcc.org.uk/children-and-families-at-risk/parental-mental-health-problems#skip-to-content. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

Pezirkianidis, Christos, et al. “Adult Friendship and Wellbeing: A Systematic Review with Practical Implications.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 14, no. 14, 24 Jan. 2023, doi.org/10.3389%2Ffpsyg.2023.1059057, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1059057.

Schwartz LMFT, David. “The Importance of Self-Care for Parents.” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/adolescents-explained/202107/the-importance-of-self-care-for-parents. Accessed 3 Dec. 2024.

“This too shall pass.”

There are many different stories about the origin of this adage. It has been around for a very long time. However it is still relevant.

As we journey through parenthood, there is a lot that these words can offer us.  They are a reminder to slow down and cherish the sweet times.   They are also a promise that whatever you are going through, be it sleep deprivation, tantrums, potty training or worse, it will not be your forever.

When you feel at your wit’s end

When my eldest child was a baby, he went through sleep regression.  By six weeks old he was sleeping through the night and then…he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t wanting to sleep much at all after sundown.

 We tried a lot of things, but not one of them worked.  I could rock him to sleep in my arms, but the moment I so much as looked at his cot he would snap back awake.

 Of course, I knew that in time it would pass.   My rational side understood that by the time he was 35 and had a full-time job, he would probably have learnt to sleep without me holding him.

 It didn’t feel like it would pass, though.  I was tired and fed up and had no idea what to try next. Then one day, he slept.   We hadn’t changed a thing.  It passed.

Sleep regression is just one example of a multitude of struggles we had when we first became parents.  Every one of them worked out in the end, though in the midst they each felt never-ending.

Whatever you are going through right now, it too shall pass.  This is not your forever, and there is a strong chance it will be okay.

Hold your peace

‘The Lord shall fight for you, and you hold your peace’ Exodus 14:14

I was raised in a Christian household. Growing up, I often heard this verse touted. As a child, I was convinced that it meant to do nothing, and that everything would work itself out, for God would fix it.  As a child, I was wrong.

You probably know, as well as I do now, that ignoring problems does not make them go away.  I am still, however, a strong advocate for holding your peace.

For everything that you face with your child, there will be elements that you can control and elements that you cannot.  

Holding your peace does not mean burying your head and hoping circumstances will fall your way.  It is about looking at what you can do in each situation.  Brainstorm, research, and talk to other people who have had the same battles. Be proactive and come up with a plan, to do the very best with what is in your power to influence.

 Maybe your plan will work, and maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, you can try again.  Try something new; Keep learning. Throughout, know that you are doing the best that you can at that moment, with your understanding as it is, and with all the other things that you are managing in life.

 Sometimes you will mess up, which is part of being human.  Perhaps other days you will surprise yourself with how incredibly resourceful, kind and patient you are. 

Through the hard times, practise self care. Remember to look after yourself as well as your family.

Hold your peace in the knowledge, that this too shall pass, but before it does, keep trying and learning.

For the good times

This too shall pass, does not just apply to the bad times, but the good times, too.   With all the worries and daily to-do lists, it is easy to miss the beauty of the moments that you share with your child.   Your child will grow and won’t always walk to school with their hand in yours, so cherish them.

In a world that moves too fast, find ways to slow down.  Here is a great article about slowing down which is worth a read.

Something that I have started with my children, is scrapbooking.  I let them borrow my phone while we are out walking and they can take photos, and I also take photos of adventures we have with family and friends.  Once a month I try to remember to print them off and they can cut out the photos and stick them in their memory books and write captions.  It offers a chance to relive the fun moments and solidify those glorious memories that we are making day by day.

Slow down and breathe.  For this too shall pass.