What parenting style is best for your child is something that many people will differ on.

A few decades ago, many believed that the only proper way to parent a child was to instil unquestioning obedience via punishments and spanking if needed. Since those days, the norm has changed. Now, society sees spanking as abusive and unkind. In some cases, however, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. It is not uncommon in our current times to find households where parents give the children free rein. Some little ones are allowed to do what they want when they want it.

Despite the controversy, what parenting style is best for your child is not just a matter of personal opinion. There is research that has now been done into the four main parenting styles and how they impact children. But before we look at what parenting style is best, lets look at the 4 main styles of parenting.

The 4 main parenting styles

Pysologists break parenting down into 4 main styles. Of course, this are just the archetypes. Most parents will not fit neatly into one style, rather will work with a blend of the different parenting techniques.

The 4 main parenting styles are as follows.

Why do we all parent so differently?

Many factors can influence the way a person parents. These can be emotional, psychological and social.

Sometimes it is just an outcome of circumstances. This is often the case with uninvolved parents. This parenting style is often a side effect of a parent with other life struggles, therefore unable to give their best to the child.

Often, there are parenting styles that are seen as more acceptable in the location or social circle that surrounds you. In my parents’ day, authoritarian parenting was admired, and parents who smacked their children were seen as responsible. Nowadays, in the UK, smacking is seen as wrong, and the authoritarian style is a lot less acceptable.

Other factors can influence which parenting style you choose. It may be due to your own childhood, either a rebellion against or a copy off. Or perhaps your child has additional needs which you need to account for in your parenting methods.

How the different parenting styles impact your child

Two children can grow up in the same home and turn out completely different. Children are not innate sponges that we parent into, but rather living people who respond to the environment in which they are born.

Nevertheless, your parenting styles will have an impact on your child.

Authoritarian parenting

Authoritarian was the parenting style that was often touted as best during the 80s and 90s. On face, the children of authoritarian parents are well behaved. However, long-term, authoritarian parenting does not lead to positive or healthy behaviour.

The social impact of being raised by authoritarian parents was studied in China in 2023. Children who were raised in strict, authoritarian homes were more aggressive and less likely to connect with their peers. This may be due to genetics, learned behaviour, or just that the children were less trusting of their peers, believing that people were inherently aggressive.

It is worth noting that some disagree and believe that children from authoritarian families are less likely to cause disruptions and therefore get along with peers and other children.

Children from this parenting style do not have the best levels of emotional intelligence, which can lead to impulsive behaviour. They are also at higher risk of developing depression and anxiety. They are also likely to have low self esteem.

As their parents are controlling their behaviour and making decisions for them, they may struggle with self-control.

On the flip side, there are benefits to authoritarian parenting. It can offer children clarity on whose authority they should submit to. This can help them become resilient to peer pressure.

Uninvolved Parenting

Children of uninvolved parents are often very independent. This is usually due to the fact that they have had to take care of themselves, and not been able to rely on a parent or carer. Instead, they have had to fend for themselves.

They may also be more emotionally unstable or immature. This is because connection with the main adults in their life is important for a child’s emotional development.

That connection with the main caregiver, also will be a foundation upon which future relationships are formed. Without the connection, the child may struggle to maintain healthy and trusting relationships in the future.

Uninvolved parenting can also lead to low self-esteem in the child. The lack of structure can be detrimental to their physical and mental health. Without a close connection, they are not able to learn by watching a parent’s modelled behaviour, therefore can be more impulsive and find it hard to make sound decisions.

The consequences of uninvolved parenting carry through to school, with children struggling academically.

As we discussed earlier, often uninvolved parenting is not a choice. It is often the consequence of parents who are unable to show up due to their own limitations.

Permissive parenting

It is not surprising that children from permissive homes are often very secure in their relationship with their parents and have very high self-esteem.

Unfortunately, this parenting style also has many drawbacks.

As there are no boundaries at home, the children can struggle with self-control. The lack of rules and structure can also cause children to feel anxious and insecure. When they enter an environment where they are expected to follow rules, they can struggle.

If a child is not given limits on things like screen time or sugar, they will often overindulge. This not only leads to poor mental and physical health in the present, but they will also struggle to set limits on themself in later life.

As permissive parents often prioritise the child’s immediate happiness, children raised this way can become egocentric and lack patience or the ability to compromise. This can hurt their social development.

In permissive parenting children are offered as much freedom as the parent can manage, without the responsibilities. The lack of responsibility and accountability can mean these children can, find it harder to achieve academically or outside of school.

Authoritative parenting

Authoritative parenting is a middle ground between permissive and authoritarian parenting. It offers the structure and high expectations of authoritarian parenting, along with the strong parent-child bond of permissive parenting.

Children from authoritative parents are securely attached, and their voice is listened to. This can have a positive impact on their self-esteem and confidence. The strong bond can also reduce risk for anxiety and depression later in life.

Despite the strong bond, children from authoritative parents are encouraged to exercise their independence and try new things. The freedom that the children are given is matched with an understanding of the responsibilities. This can set a child up for success and achievement.

The strong bond with their parent or carer, matched with an understanding of appropriate behaviour can help a child socially.

These children are disciplined through positive reinforcement and encouragement, being given the space to find out who they are. Their good behaviour is driven by a strong sense of personal identity instead of by fear.

There is also evidence that children raised by authoritative parents are more emotionally regulated and have better problem-solving abilities.

What parenting style is best?

Experts agree that the authoritative parenting style leads to the best outcomes for children. However, it requires a lot of time and patience. At times, most of us will use different parenting styles, as it is rare to parent exclusively one way.

At the heart of it, children who is secure in their attachment with their parent and are raised in a safe environment with parents who love them enough to discipline them they will thrive.

Children also learn a lot from examples. If they are surrounded by people with healthy attitudes and habits, then they are likely to adopt the same behaviours.

Final note

Although all of the parenting styles have benefits, the balance between a loving and warm connection and high expectations that is offered by authoritative parents can give children a foundation of security and motivation from which to excel.

The difference between peaceful and passive parenting is often blurred. This hazy line means peaceful parenting has become associated with parents watching with besotted smiles as their little whirlwind whips around, creating unchecked havoc.

The truth is that peaceful parenting does not mean being passive and waiting for inappropriate behaviour to correct itself. It also does not mean allowing your child’s whims to rule the family. Peaceful parenting is active and engaged.

Peaceful parenting is not always Peaceful

As a peaceful parent, you will try to bring peace to situations. Your child will sometimes bring the storm as they battle against rules and expectations. The temptation may be to avoid messy moments by avoiding the battles. After all, battles have two sides. If you, as a parent, don’t set rules or have expectations of behaviour, there will be nothing for them to rage against. This is passive parenting, and it does not bring peace. Rather, passive and uninvolved parenting leads to children who feel ungrounded and insecure. Without clear boundaries, children are more likely to behave erratically.

If you want to parent in a way that promotes peace, you will have to say “no” at times. You may also need to correct inappropriate behaviours or remove your children from situations they are unable to handle.

However calmly you discipline your child, there will be times when they will fight against you. Young children have not yet learnt emotional regulation, delayed gratification or impulse control. This means they sometimes struggle to accept not getting their own way.

You can be gentle but still firm

The difference between authoritarian and peaceful parenting is often in the motive and delivery rather than the substance.

An authoritarian parent and a peaceful parent will teach the same lessons. Authoritarian parents, however, will teach through commands and punishments. They are also less likely to connect or display empathy for their children.

Authoritarian parents aim for children who will obey and who are afraid to step out of line.

As a peaceful parent, you can still hold your child to high standards, however, you do so with kindness. You teach them through connection. Your children will know they are loved, even if they make mistakes. Peaceful parenting aims to empower children to make good choices

Consequences vs Punishments

At times, as you peacefully parent your child, you will need to teach through consequences.

Authoritarian parents believe that punishments are the only way to teach a child that actions have consequences. On the other hand, passive parents will look for the easiest way out of a situation, and if that means helping a child avoid the consequences of their actions, so be it. So, is there a middle ground?

In looking at consequences and punishments, it is important to understand that they are not the same thing. For a more in-depth look at the differences, check out this post.

At the heart of it, punishments are punitive and dealt out with the aim of making a child pay through hardship for what they did wrong. An example would be if a child said something unkind and then had a favourite toy taken away for being naughty.

Although punishments are consequences, not all consequences are punishments.

If a child is struggling to play nicely with other children at a park, the natural consequence would be for that child to be removed from the situation and taken home. This is not done in the spirit of punishing the child. Rather, it is an acknowledgement that they are not currently able to behave in a way that is appropriate for being at the park. Therefore, the right thing to do is to go home and try another day.

Positive consequences

Positive consequences are consequences that you can actively enforce to support better behaviour.

If your child is struggling to behave well, make the right choices or control their emotions, chances are something needs to change. Perhaps a change in sleep, amount of time on screen or diet could help. Like adults, these things can affect children both physically and emotionally. The changes that you need to make, such as earlier nights, less sugar for a few days or a break from screen time, may feel like punishments to your child. There is, however, a crucial difference. You are not looking for what repercussion would be the most unpleasant for your child, to compel them through fear not to err again. Instead, you are implementing measures that you know will help your child to thrive.

A positive consequence may not always be related to physical well-being. It may be that there are skills that your child needs to learn.

A child struggling to walk sensibly in the street can be made to hold a parent’s hand while they practise walking calmly and paying attention to their surroundings. The consequence offers a chance for them to practise important skills before they are allowed freedom.

You can be gentle and responsible

When you are disciplining as a gentle parent, another area that you should not be passive is that of responsibility.

There is a lot of talk nowadays about child-led parenting. While we should look for and account for their needs, children should not be given full parental responsibility.

Children have a lot of learning to do, and are not yet mature or developed enough to be able to make all of their own decisions. Sure, in time, if we leave them alone and let them have what they want, maybe they will learn what hurts them and avoid those things. They will suffer a lot of hurt along the way, however.

You are the adult. You should decide things like bedtimes and what gets cooked for dinner.

As your child grows, you can allow them to make choices that are appropriate for their age. There will be many opportunities to teach your child responsibility whilst keeping them healthy and safe.

Responsilibility and Privilidge

As your children age and develop, it is right that they acquire certain privileges. They must also learn that privileges come with responsibility. If they cannot handle the responsibility, then remove the privilege. Try it again later when you feel that they are ready.

Most privileges are paired with responsibilities. For example, understanding a child who is allowed to watch the screen, should turn it off when asked, and follow rules about what channels they are allowed on, or what games they can play. If your child is allowed to play in the neighbour’s garden, they should play nicely and come to you when called. Perhaps you let them use the grown-up felt tips, but only at the table, using an art mat.

You might give and take away privileges a few times. Learning responsibility is difficult, and it takes time.

A Final Note

Peaceful parenting is not passive. It is engaged, and active as you look for ways to support, discipline and connect with your child.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

The importance of parenting by example is often denied in the tongue-in-cheek adage, ‘ Do as I say, not as I do.”

Of course, this never works.  Children are social learners. They copy the behaviour they see demonstrated,  rather than follow verbal instructions.

As a parent, this can be hard to watch.  It may feel like your children’s behaviour is a mirror, reflecting all of you.  The good and the bad, from behavioural habits to vocal tics.

Children are observational learners

There are multiple theories exploring how children learn.  Social learning theory highlights the important role that observation of other people plays in a child’s learning journey.

It isn’t always obvious that your children are watching you.  The truth is, they are often more tuned in than they appear to be.   Therefore, your behaviours and attitudes can shape how your children interact with others and the world around them.

This observation is not a passive process.   As children watch, they are cognitively engaged.   They won’t only see the behaviours that those around them exhibit, but also the consequences of those behaviours.   They will then make certain conclusions about which behaviours are both socially acceptable and beneficial.

It is worth noting that children do not learn from everyone equally.  They are more likely to mimic the behaviours of those they already love and trust, over the behaviours of strangers. This means that one of the most powerful parenting tools is example.

If children learn through observation, it follows that your behaviour is a model for them.  This can feel like a lot of pressure.   After all, parents are imperfect people trying their best. Often, you will be sleep-deprived and working against a never-ending litany of demands. 

However hard you try, you will probably never get everything completely right. If you could, you would not be human.   The good news is that you don’t need to be perfect to be a good teacher.   Your children will also struggle to get things right. Frankly, if you never made mistakes, it would be completely demoralising for them.   They need to learn how to deal with failure and to act when they mess up, which they will do.

Therefore, you do not need to be perfect. Rather, you should strive to demonstrate how to handle not being perfect, whilst still trying to be good.

If you model nothing else, let’s model kindness

There are a lot of important lessons you will want to teach our children as they grow.  The most important, however, is kindness. 

When I say kindness, I am not talking about the self-deprecating kindness where you try to grind yourself into nothing to appease the whims of everyone around you.

Kindness to others should be paired and balanced with self-kindness. To believe people are worth love and respect despite their flaws, mishaps and errors in judgment, you must be able to measure yourself by the same standard.

Instead, many of us self-impose impossible standards. You may struggle to believe that you are worth anything if you fall short.

When it comes to kindness versus impossible standards, our children will learn from us.  So do not aspire to be perfect, aspire to be kind. You can still try your best, but accept failure with grace.  Do things for the joy of doing them, rather than to prove yourself.  

How to model boundaries

Kindness is important. Boundaries are important, too. Throughout our parenting, you should demonstrate examples of how to advocate for your own autonomy and space when needed. When they see you using the word ‘no’ with confidence and ease, your children will learn to use it, too.

How to correct your children in things you struggle with yourself?

It can feel hypocritical to correct your child’s behaviour, knowing that you struggle with the same flaw.

Perhaps you are a fussy eater, but want your children to try new foods.  You may find it hard to control your temper, but understand the importance of teaching calm conflict resolution.   Despite the importance of limiting screen time for little ones, mobile phone addiction amongst parents is rife.   These are just a few examples. It is not unusual to fall short of the standards you would like to impart to our children.   So, what is an imperfect parent to do?

How to handle not being perfect?

Your imperfections offer an opportunity to teach our children about growth. Especially with children who are old enough to be aware and have conversations about healthy habits.

It is important, however, to model pragmatism, not self-loathing or pity.

Say things like:

“I am going to try and eat more healthy foods so I can have more energy.”

Rather than:

“I’ve eaten junk the last few days. Now I feel gross. I am such a pig.”

As with many things in life, it is important to strike a balance.   Understanding our flaws and wanting to improve on them is great.  At times, you will fail, and that is okay.

There are a plethora of resources out there that can help us improve any area of our lives. Before you do this, however, you need to understand why you want to make the changes. Also, what will the improvement look like for you?

The “What” and the “Why”

In order to teach our children through our growth, you need to understand the “What” and “Why”.

Understanding the “Why” can help motivate us, but it can also define the “What”. That is, the measures that you take to implement the change. For example, if you want to eat better for energy, you will make different choices than you would to lose weight.

When you understand your motivation, you can plan how to move forward. Having a specific plan makes it easier to implement.

Saying you will be on your mobile phone less is hard to quantify. Instead, setting certain hours when your phone is on the side will make a real difference. Controlling your temper is noble. It is also hard to do without a plan for when you feel our blood start to boil.

So, you should know why you are choosing healthy behaviours. You should be clear on what those behaviours will look like in the day-to-day. This will help your children learn alongside you.

Final Note

Parenting by example does not mean that you need be perfect. At it’s heart it is making choices that are beneficial for our own health and well-being so that our children can learn to make healthy choices too.

Self-care is an important part of parenting by example, so remember to treat yourself with the same amount of kindness that you offer your children.

Refererences

Cherry, Kendra. “How Observational Learning Affects Behavior.” Verywell Mind, 27 Jan. 2025, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-observational-learning-2795402.

Mcleod, Saul. “Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory in Psychology.” Simply Psychology, 1 Feb. 2024, www.simplypsychology.org/bandura.html#What-is-Social-Learning-Theory.

When siblings fight it can be beyond frustrating. Battles can transform moments that you hoped would be peaceful into moments that are fraught with anger and strife.

The fact that it is normal for siblings to fight is little comfort while their wars are raging. So, can anything be done to promote a ceasefire, or perhaps even an alliance between brothers and sisters?

Why siblings fight?

Children are a work in progress. They do not come complete with impulse control, empathy or the ability to put situations in perspective. In time, they will learn and develop the skills to help them co-exist peacefully with other humans. Unfortunately, it is a slow process

This underdevelopment of personal and social skills, along with the fact that siblings spend prolonged amounts of time together in confined spaces, means that sibling spats are to be expected.

In fact, a certain amount of conflict can be beneficial. It is healthy for children to learn to use their voice and establish their boundaries. Of course, this is often less glamorous than it sounds. It is less gently enforcing personal expectations and more rolling around on the floor, battling over the remote control.

In some homes, however, the battle between siblings can be a never-ending struggle.

Look for the root cause of discord

If your children do not seem to like each other, working out the root cause is important. This may be something that shows in the things they most often fight about. Sometimes it may be due to a clash between needs or personalities. One child may be naturally loud whereas the other struggles with too much noise, or one child may love company, but the other needs their own space.

Sibling fights are also more common when children feel like they don’t get enough attention from their parents or caretakers. If a child is hungry for more connection with their adult, they can begin to resent their siblings with whom they have to share attention.

Prevention is better than cure

Trying to tame two or more children in the midst of a spat is not fun. I do not think this is just my personal opinion. I have met other parents, and no-one likes playing mediator. Is there a way to create a culture where fights are less likely?

Redefine fair

Many siblings fight when one of them believes that a situation is unfair. Children often go through a stage when they believe that everything needs to be equal to be fair. They are not yet able to look at the nuances of a situation, rather they see things as black and white.

For example, perhaps one child was playing with a neighbour in the garden and missed their screen time. When they come in, their sibling has started watching a show. The fact that they have unequal amounts of TV time may be all the first child sees, disregarding the extra fun they had in the garden.

The truth that not everything has to be equal is one that children need to learn.

Replacing fairness with kindness

As your children go through life, there will be times when situations are unequal. Perhaps one of your children is in a friendship group that loves parties, therefore receives more invitations. On the other hand, your other child may be old enough to enjoy more freedom and liberty.

Try to teach your children to replace their strict expectation of fairness with kindness. Encourage them to celebrate each other’s successes and be happy for each other’s wins. This will take time and won’t be an easy process. Of course, allow them to feel disappointment for themselves, too. The ability to feel conflicting emotions is one that they will soon tune into. Remind them of the times that they won and their sibling backed them up.

Allow them to set their own boundaries

Give your children permission to set appropriate boundaries around their bodies, space and possessions. This can be even more important when children share rooms. In a shared room, you may need to get creative. Perhaps you could invest in bed canopies, so each child has a little hidey hole that is all theirs. If possible, divide storage so that they have their own drawer or shelf.

Sharing is a great skill to have. There will be times when sharing should be encouraged. However it is important you don’t make them share everything. Allow them to have things that are there own.

In the same way, there are times when children will have to deal with other people and socialise, but they should not be forced to entertain their siblings. They must be allowed time on their own if they need it.

Set clear and consistent rules

Although, as we have already discussed, things will not and can not always be fair, the fundamental rules should be the same for every child. If there is no screen at the table, that should apply to everyone. No hitting means no hitting, even if it is the littlest hitting the biggest child.

There may be exceptions if you have children who have additional needs. There will also be differences in things like bedtimes, and the amount of independence allowed as children mature and age. You can allow for that whilst also being consistent in the expectation that each child is respectful and kind.

Make time for each child

A child with a strong connection with their parent or main caregiver will feel secure and have better mental and emotional health. This can help them regulate their emotions which in turn will help them to deal with conflict in a more pragmatic way.

One-on-one bonding time is important for building that strong connection. Try to find fun things that you and your child both enjoy doing, and take a little time, when possible, to share the activity with them.

Look after their bodies as well as their minds

Hanger is a real thing. It is not just hunger that can turn your sweet little angels into wild hyenas; lack of sleep and movement can also have a big impact on mood and behaviour.

If your children are in school, you may find that they fight with their siblings more when the holidays come around. To combat this, maintain pockets of routine throughout the holidays to help sleep. Try to get outside, no matter the weather, for a little bit each day.

Encourage your children to work together

A simple way to get your children to work together is to set them a joint challenge. It might be that they need to work together to clean a room, or that they have to collect a certain number of stars between them to earn a treat.

Be sure to structure challenges in a way that each child can and must contribute so one child isn’t carrying the others.

What to do when siblings fight

No matter how well you prepare at times children will fight. When they do, it can be infuriating. You might find yourself tempted to shout louder than them, and thus initiate a three-way war.

Let’s look at some positive ways to cope when siblings fight.

Implement a healthy time out

Time-outs, when used correctly, can be a great way to cool a situation down. When siblings are in the middle of a fight, they are likely to be emotional and frustrated. It is hard to get a child to think rationally when emotions are high. Give each child a place to go and sit, away from the fight, and away from each other.

Time-outs work better when children have an element of control in them. If you ask a child to sit in their room for five minutes there is the chance that they will stomp upstairs and sit seething for five minutes. If, on the other hand you ask a child to go and sit upstairs until they have calmed down and can talk about a situation calmly, they will regulate their emotions in less time, and likely come down in a better place mentally and emotionally.

The element of control that you have given your child will empower them, and the fact that coming out of time-out depends on fixing their attitude will motivate them to work towards being calmer. Of course, there are times when a child will pretend to be calm just to avoid a time-out. This is a bonus. Tell them as long as they prove through behaviour and words that they are calmer, they can come out, and they will be likely to fake calm and in doing so actually feel calmer too.

Give them room to work out a solution

It is tempting to jump in as soon as a conflict arises. Sure, there will be times when we need to for safety or just self-preservation, but sometimes let your children work things out for themselves.

This is hardest when you have a child who has a stronger personality than another as you may worry the gentler child will get stomped all over and taken advantage of. The truth us that children need to learn to handle situations on their own, and fighting their own battles with siblings can be an important step towards that.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t have input at all. Spend time with your more dominant child encouraging them to listen to their siblings, and with your passive child helping them think of ways to express themselves. There will be moments where they don’t manage, and that is okay. You have to lose sometimes to learn.

Take each situation as it is

It is tempting to look at history and behaviour trends when you are having to mediate fights. If one child is often mischievous, you may have an inkling that they are at the root of most conflict. However, each situation should be taken at face value, and each child given a chance to put forwward their opinion.

Take time for you if you need it

There are so many things that we need to look after, it is easy to forget to look after ourselves. To be able to stay calm, we need to remember to prioritise self-care.

If the fighting gets too much, there is no shame at all in asking your children to go into separate calm calm-down spaces for a few minutes and play quietly so that you can breathe. In fact, making sure that they are safe while you take time to self-regulate is great parenting.

A final note

It is hard when our children fight, but hang in there. Parenting can be a gritty and messy journey, but by making it through we will teach our children about perseverance.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Engelmann, Jan M., and Michael Tomasello. “Children’s Sense of Fairness as Equal Respect.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 23, no. 6, June 2019, pp. 454–463, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2019.03.001.

Mentally Healthy Schools. “Attachment and Child Development : Mentally Healthy Schools.” Mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk, 2019, www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/mental-health-needs/attachment-and-child-development/.

Pendley, Jennifer. “Sibling Rivalry (for Parents) – KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2016, kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html.

“The Pillar of Fairness.” Madison.rbusd.org, madison.rbusd.org/apps/pages/index.jsp?uREC_ID=935514&type=d&pREC_ID=1267716.

“What Is Fair?” BBC Bitesize, 2020, www.bbc.co.uk/teach/school-radio/articles/zwxcvwx. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

“When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting – Child Mind Institute.” Child Mind Institute, 5 Feb. 2025, childmind.org/article/when-siblings-wont-stop-fighting/#forget-fair. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

When you teach your child about hygiene, you will probably find that the challenge isn’t showing them how to stay clean. Children are smart, and understand from an early age how teeth brushing, hand soap, and showers work.

The main problem you are likely to encounter is how to teach your child the importance of hygiene. They might know how to shower, or bathe, but they showered already this month, so do they really need to do it again?

Even more so, if you can convince them that being clean is good, motivating them to engage regularly in daily hygiene tasks can be difficult. Knowing how to use a toothbrush is great. Few children race remember every morning and evening.

Why do children avoid basic hygiene tasks?

Most adults like to be clean. Even more so, we don’t want to smell bad. It can be hard to understand how children are so lackadaisical about washing.

So why doesn’t your child like hygiene tasks, and can you teach them to enjoy caring for their bodies?

There are many reasons that children may avoid hygiene tasks. Sometimes it could be related to sensory dislikes, such as not liking the taste of toothpaste, or how cold the bathroom is when they undress for a shower. Often, however, it is just that there are more exciting things to do. There are games to play or pictures to draw. Washing their hands or taking a shower might seem like a chore.

Motivation to stay clean

Adults have a variety of reasons to stay clean. We understand the social ramifications of leaving the house when we are stinky or have dirty clothes. Some of us know people who have lost teeth due to poor oral care, so we have learnt, through observation, the importance of brushing our teeth. We also are good at forward thinking. We know how nice it feels to have just had a shower, or how yucky it feels to wake up in the morning if you haven’t brushed your teeth the night before.

Understanding of socially accepted behaviour, consequences for actions, and logical forward thinking are not skills that your child will have fully developed yet. This means that we need to help them to find the motivation to stay clean.

Reward-based learning

You can encourage this motivation by using rewards-based learning. The great news is your child’s brain is set up to learn this way.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean they get a prize every time they wash their hands. Rather, it is helping them find pleasure in the activity itself. If a child enjoys an activity, or finds pleasure in an act, or the outcome of an act, the brain will release dopamine. Dopamine helps your child’s brain to associate the action with a good feeling. This can help to motivate them to repeat the action. The neurological system in the brain that regulates this reward response is called the mesolimbic system. It can be used to help teach your child motivation for good hygiene.

The problem is that it relies on the child enjoying the hygiene tasks. Often they don’t. On their own, things like washing hands, brushing teeth and washing their face can be boring. To use the mesolimbic system, we need to get creative and add a little fun.

How to teach your child hygiene through fun

If you make hygiene tasks fun in themselves, it will be easier to motivate your child. Of course, there are things that they will have to do, that are not fun at all. This doesn’t mean your child only does things that they enjoy. However, if there is a fun way of doing something, embrace it.

Here are a few ideas:

• Put on a favourite song during shower time, and see if your child can wash their body and hair before the song is up.
• When they are changing for a bath or shower, put the laundry basket just outside the bathroom and challenge them to throw their clothes into the basket.
• Put a 30-second timer on while they are washing their hands, and see how many different animals they can list before the time is up.
• Make teeth brushing part of a silly challenge. You could have a buzzer or silly noise you play on your phone. When it goes, the children have to race to do 3 challenges. For example, brush their teeth for two minutes, do 3 star jumps and finish by picking up toys off their bedroom floor. Just a note on this one, racing against each other might end up in fights. It is often simpler to race children against the clock.

Stack Habits with fun

Some tasks your child will not enjoy, however creative you get with them. You can still use fun or pleasure to instill these habits, but you may have to stack them.

Perhaps your child hates showers. You have tried music, games, and many other things. Nothing will change their mind. If you can’t make the shower fun or pleasurable, stack the habit of the shower with a fun reward after. It could be that you heat a towel on a radiator and as soon as they are out you wrap them up and read them a story while they dry. Maybe they don’t like washing their hands, but you let them use nice hand lotion after.

In time, the understanding that the disliked task will become associated with the reward they get from completing it, and they may find it easier to tolerate.

How to teach your child independence with hygiene

Independence in a child is linked with better mental health, increased confidence and motivation. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, to begin with, giving little ones independence is also slower and messier. It takes time for children to be able to perform hygiene tasks on their own, but with a little patience, they will get there.

Teach your child independent hygiene through scaffolding

There are things that your child can do independently, things that they can do with support and other things they can’t fathom being able to do yet. Scaffold learning is about bridging that gap by working in the zone of proximal development, a fancy way of saying working on things that they can do with support.

https://trainingexpress.org.uk/personal-hygiene-for-kids/To teach your child hygiene through scaffolding, look for little things that they might be able to do with your help. Then start by talking to them while you do the task, narrating what you are doing and why. It might be how you squeeze the right amount of toothpaste onto the brush, or why you are checking if their clothes are clean before they leave the house. Then let them have a go with you by their side. In time they will have that new skill under their belt, and you can move onto a new one. Here are some basic hygiene skills that you can teach to your child.

They will probably need support at the start, and things that are obvious to you won’t be to them.

Remember to aim for progress and not perfection. Be realistic about the fact that it will be messy for a little bit while they learn, and that is okay.

Teach your child hygiene through routine

Routines are fantastic for children. They give a child predictability, but also independence. Children understand what they are expected to do, and when they are expected to do it.. This means that they can do what they need to do, with confidence.

Of course, you don’t need to regiment your whole day. Instead, create pockets of routines for specific times. Wake up routines, and bedtime routines are great ones to add, as well as things like routines for leaving the house, or for before meals.

When you are building routines, keep them simple, and easy to remember.

Offer choice

As adults we often have preferences in regards to soaps, lotions, toothpastes and so on. Where possible, offer your child a choice too. This can help them feel involved, and therefore more motivated in the process. With so many hygiene products on the market it may be easier to ask them to choose between two or three scents, or products so your child isn’t overwhelmed.

You can also offer other choices, such as bath or shower. If they choose bath, do they want bubbles, toys or both.

Children have very little control or agency over their lives. You can’t ever give them complete control. You need to ensure that they are healthy, safe and clean. There is room within those parameters, however, to give them choice.

If your child has a sense of control, they are more likely to engage, thrive and succeed. This an outcome I am sure that you want.

A Final note

Although children don’t naturally crave hygiene, with support they can be taught the how, and the why, of looking after their bodies and staying clean.

It will be frustrating at times. Hang in there. The messy moments will pass. Be patient with them, and have a little fun along the way.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“America’s ToothFairy – 8 Tips and Tricks to Make Brushing Teeth Fun.” Americastoothfairy.org, 2024, www.americastoothfairy.org/news/8-tips-and-tricks-to-make-brushing-teeth-fun. Accessed 12 Mar. 2025.

Arnall, Judy. “When Do Children Understand “Consequences?”” Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, 18 Feb. 2019, judyarnall.com/2019/02/18/when-do-children-understand-consequences/.

Cerino, Anna. “The Importance of Recognising and Promoting Independence in Young Children: The Role of the Environment and the Danish Forest School Approach.” Education 3-13, vol. 51, no. 4, 8 Nov. 2021, pp. 685–694, www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468, https://doi.org/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468.

Hämmerer, Dorothea, and Ben Eppinger. “Dopaminergic and Prefrontal Contributions to Reward-Based Learning and Outcome Monitoring during Child Development and Aging.” Development Psychology, vol. 48, no. 3, 2012, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027342. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Health Direct. “Personal Hygiene for Children.” Healthdirect.gov.au, Healthdirect Australia, 2019, www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene-for-children.

“Hygiene for Toddlers and Children.” Www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/hygiene-for-toddlers-and-children/.

Levine, Alexandra, and Laura Philips. “How to Build Independence in Preschoolers.” Child Mind Institute, 2022, childmind.org/article/how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/.

Lewis, Robert G., et al. “The Brain’s Reward System in Health and Disease.” Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, vol. 1344, no. 1344, 2021, pp. 57–69, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-81147-1_4.

Mitton, Betty L., and Dale B. Harris. “The Development of Responsibility in Children.” The Elementary School Journal, vol. 54, no. 5, Jan. 1954, pp. 268–277, https://doi.org/10.1086/458585.

NHS. “Hygiene.” Cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, 2024, cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/.

Parents League of New York. “Children Need a Sense of Control.” Parents League of New York, 31 Mar. 2020, www.parentsleague.org/blog/children-need-sense-control.

“Why We Should Give Kids More Control over Their Lives and How to Do It.” Www.debbieausburn.com, www.debbieausburn.com/post/why-we-should-give-kids-more-control-over-their-lives-and-how-to-do-it.

Willard, Dr Marcy. “Hygiene in Childhood – Marcy Willard PhD.” Marcy Willard PhD, 25 Oct. 2024, marcywillardphd.com/hygiene-in-childhood/.

Knowing how to survive tantrums or meltdowns can be invaluable throughout your child’s early years.

If you have a child over one you will probably have experienced the drama and emotional distress that comes when your sweet child transfers into a mini hulk.

Of course, if one happens at home it’s hard. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be out in public when meltdowns or tantrums come, though you know you will survive, it can be mortifying.

Tantrums and meltdowns are never fun. We can more than survive, however. In the messy moments, we can connect with our children and help them thrive.

The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Many people use the words tantrum and meltdown interchangeably. Are they the same thing?

There is no clinical definition of either a tantrum or meltdown, although many agree on differences.

For simplicity, throughout this post, when I talk about a meltdown it is when your child has lost all control. When I speak about tantrums, they still can act with purpose, although they may need support with emotional regulation. (Nannery and Nannery, 2021)

One small note. There is sometimes the assumption that only children who are neurodivergent can have meltdowns. Meltdowns can indeed be more regular and intense for neurodivergent children. However, neurotypical children and adults can also have meltdowns.

Now we have looked at the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, lets discuss how to survive them.

How to survive tantrums and meltdowns

There are steps you can take to make tantrums and meltdowns less painful for both you and child.

Step 1. Before it begins

The best cure for most things is prevention. Unfortunately, children have big emotions they which they cannot always understand or control.

Once a child turns five, they can begin to regulate some of their emotions. As with adults, if they are hungry, tired or just overwhelmed this might be hard. (Rouse, 2016)

Younger children will have less emotional control. They are also less advanced in speech and communication. Therefore they may struggle to let adults know what they want or need. (Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2019)

You cannot stop all tantrums and meltdowns. Yet you may be able to avoid some by understanding your child and predicting their needs.

Hunger and Tiredness

I will be the first to admit that when I am hungry or tired I can be cranky. I don’t think I am the adult for whom that is true. It is even more true for children.

Ensuring that your child has enough sleep can help limit tantrums and meltdowns. Keeping regular mealtimes, and carrying snacks for between meals is also important.

Unpredictability and lack of control

As adults, we are likely to enter most days with some sort of idea of what will happen. Throughout the day we have freedom in what we do, where we go etc. Children often don’t have the same luxury.

Even if we tell our children plans ahead of time, their perception of time is still developing and they might not understand or remember what is happening when. They will also have limited control over many of the happenings. As adults, this would be hard to handle. It is understandable why sometimes children struggle.

There are things that you can do to help. Picture boards showing children the order of the day can help them orientate themselves. Keep talking about what is next as this is a concept that they will understand at a younger age, rather than ‘this evening’, or ‘tomorrow lunchtime.”

Interactive routine charts are a great tool. They help engage the child and give them an element of control. Sometimes, letting them make little choices can also help.

Disconnection

Connection is a human need. There is a growing amount of research proofing that are biological built to socialise and connect with other humans. (Braren, 2023) This means that connecting with your child throughout the day is imperative.

Modern life is busy. We often rush from place to place, tackling to-do lists and other people’s demands. In quieter moments, the temptation to bury our heads in our phones is sometimes too great to resist.

Throughout this, our children are carried from place to place. They may feel like they are an additional burden that we are trying to manage. A little connection can go a long way.

Children love to help. Try giving them a job alongside you. This can involve them and help them feel part of what is happening. It might be something little. If you are running errands, ask them to tick the errands off as you complete them. If you are cleaning they can wipe skirtings or window sills.

It is hard, but try to make time, away from the busyness, to be with your children. No phones. No distractions. You and them

If children have a strong bond with their grown-ups, it can help them to understand and learn to control their emotions. (Department for Education, 2022) Hopefully that will mean less meltdowns.

They struggle to handle ‘no’

The part of a child’s brain which handles things, like impulse control, delayed gratification and critical thinking is often called the ‘upstairs brain.’ It is not fully developed until the 20’s. Adults, with our fully developed brains, don’t like to hear ‘no’. It is no wonder that children struggle. If you want to read more about the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is a great article.

So should we give children everything that they ask for? Definitely not. We can, however, offer the word ‘no,’ with empathy and perspective.

Empathy can be shown with phrases like, ‘I know you are frustrated that you can’t play longer,’ or ‘I know you are disappointed that you can’t have cake.’ This helps your child to feel seen, and also shows them how to label and understand their emotions.

Perspective can also help. Children live in the now. If they are told ‘no’ it might feel like ‘no’ is forever. It can help to reword a ‘no’ to a ‘not yet.’ For example, ‘We can’t buy that cake today. Would you like it next month as your birthday cake?’ Or, ‘We aren’t buying toys today. Do you want me to take a photo of that, and you can save up your pocket money to come back?

Of course, sometimes ‘no’ just means ‘no.’ In time, with help, our children will learn to handle them.

Other reasons

Many other factors can also be in play. Pay attention to if your child has a tantrum or meltdown during specific times or in specific locations. Look for what might be causing it. If your child can talk, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. (“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?”, 2024)

Step 2. What’s that coming over the hill?

Your child may go from sweet and kind to a full-on rage monster in a flash. You will not always see a tantrum or a meltdown coming.

Step one will not always work, as you cannot prevent all tantrums and meltdowns. This step, may not work either. Sometimes you cannot predict a messy moment.

If you can, however, acting preemptively will help you to survive the tantrums or meltdowns when they arrive.

Perhaps you are in a grocery store, and your child is begging for a treat. You notice their repetitive demands are getting louder and more emotive. A tantrum is coming.

You could stop it by giving in and buying them the treat. This is the easy way out. One I am sure we have all taken. I know that I have. It is not the best way. Children should not get their way by throwing tantrums. They need to learn to solve problems and communicate without screaming or crying.

So, you may need to weather the tantrum. If you see one coming heed the signs.

If you want to survive tantrums and meltdowns with minimal damage, you need to prepare.

Firstly, take steps to ensure you can give your child your full attention. If you are out of the house, this may mean excusing yourself from a conversation or stashing your shopping cart to the side. At home, it could be ensuring siblings are occupied and safe, or switching a pan off if you are in the middle of cooking.

In a crowded place, find somewhere quiet. Tantrums and meltdowns are easier, and pass faster, if you do not have an audience.

Step 3. Bring your calm to the storm

When the tantrum or meltdown starts, there is very little that you can do to stop it. Those big feelings are there and need to be let out.

Let your child tell you what is wrong, and continue gently enforcing those boundaries. For some children, labelling how they feel may help. Hold strong.

The hardest part during this step is acceptance. No one wants to sit for ten minutes with an angry child who doesn’t want to put on the school uniform. I promise you, however, that taking the time to sit with your little one will get you out the door a lot faster than trying to wrestle clothes onto their squirming body and then carrying them kicking and screaming down the road.

During this time, if we are calm it will help our little one find calm too.

What if I don’t have time?

When children are young, it helps to leave ten minutes of grace time for moments like this. Sometimes you may be late. Take a big breath. It will not be the end of the world. When this is over you will be able to handle the aftermath.

So I just sit there? Isn’t there anything I can do or say to make it go faster?

In their messiest moments, children care often unable to listen to reason.

We spoke a bit earlier about the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is impulsive, reactive and in control of fight or flight.

When a child is angry or scared, a part of the brain called the ‘amygdala’ gives full control to the downstairs brain. In the days of our ancestors, this would have been important for survival. The downstairs brain is faster and geared to self-preservation. Unfortunately, it means your child can’t engage in pragmatic dialogue until the upper brain is back in control. (Mine Conkbayir, 2023)

So, a lot of this time is waiting. Use non-aggressive body language and ensure your child doesn’t hurt anyone or break anything. Hold your peace, and know that this messy moment will pass.

Don’t yell

Tantrums are hard on parents. It is natural to feel angry and frustrated. This frustration leads some parents to try to yell their children into submission.

Unfortunately, yelling at a child will increase their stress and fear, keeping them in fight or flight mode.

If you need to, walking away is always a better option than yelling.

A little hack

If child’s upper brain isn’t kick in, there are things that you can do to help.

It is unlikely that in the middle of a messy moment, you will get your child to talk about the situation they are raging against. They may, however, engage on other topics.

Ask them what they remember from a story they know, facts about an animal. If they are old enough to do basic maths, say a sum wrong and let them correct you. The upper brain is needed for reasoning or remembering tasks, and it may well help it to take the lead again.

Once you have their upstairs brains back engaged, you may be able to talk calmly about the situation at hand.

Step 4. Coming back together

When the raging is finished you can start to connect again with your child.

This is the point where you can talk to them, and help them understand appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Keep any lessons short and move on.

Giving something is not giving in

Sometimes little things can help a child feel seen. There are often creative ways that you can help a little one feel that their needs are being met.

For example, if they are angry that they have to go to school, suggest doing something fun together at the weekend. Maybe they want a toy, and you can come up with a way for them to do chores to earn money to buy it. For those who are reluctant to don their school uniform, they may enjoy choosing clothes to wear when they get back home.

Being little is hard. Our children have so much to learn and many things are out of their control. A little kindness is never a bad idea.

Step 5. Moving forwards

Should you punish a tantrum?

I have heard the argument, ‘If you don’t punish a tantrum, they will keep doing it.’ I don’t believe that is true. Most children will not find throwing a tantrum pleasant or dignifying. A meltdown even less so. They are likely to come out feeling embarrassed and a little shaken.

Furthermore, these big feelings are often out of your child’s control.

I do not advocate punishing a tantrum. If, however, throughout the tantrum, your child has made a mess, they can tidy it. If they have hurt someone or broken something it is right that they make amends.

Positive consequences

The lessons that we teach our little ones throughout their childhood are likely to form how they face life as adults.

Therefore, a good measure when looking at the consequences we give, is ‘Would I want them to do this to themselves when they are grown up.’

For example, if your best friend said she had messed up and so wasn’t going on the spa day she had booked, because she didn’t deserve it you would think she was crazy.

If however, the same friend realised that she had been over-emotional recently and decided to have some early nights and try to watch her sugar, you would likely commend her.

Punishment for the sake of punishment will not benefit your child. When you discipline your child try to think about if you are hurting them or helping them. For example, if your child is struggling to control their emotions things like limiting screen so they spend more time connecting with family, limiting sugar and prioritising sleep are all things that can help. It is, of course, unlikely that your child will love any of these initiatives. They may view them as punishments. You will know, however, that you are acting in your child’s best interest. For more about the difference between punishment and discipline check out this article.

A final note

Whilst tantrums and meltdowns are not pleasant, you will survive. As your child grows they will likely learn how to control those big emotions, and there will be less messy moments.

Until then, remember that if you want to be a place of calm for your little one, it is imperative to look after yourself.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Braren, Stephen. “The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need.” Social Creatures, 24 May 2023, www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Department for Education. “Help for Early Years Providers : Emotions.” Help-For-Early-Years-Providers.education.gov.uk, 6 Sept. 2022, help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/areas-of-learning/personal-social-and-emotional-development/emotions. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Go, Kids That. “The Upstairs and Downstairs of the Brain: Part One – Kids That Go.” Kids That Go, 8 May 2020, kidsthatgo.com/upstairs-and-downstairs-brain-part-one/?srsltid=AfmBOorPMktgYr-YqBX14Sbd7w2WFroEI2H0SWbZ9hHN3s5Rcjnd-pR_. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Jones, Gareth. “Tantrum or Autism Meltdown?” Experia, 3 Aug. 2023, www.experia.co.uk/blog/7-differences-between-tantrums-and-autism-meltdowns/.

“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z3g3cxs. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Miller, Caroline. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Mine Conkbayir. “Neuroscience: Understand the “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” Brain – Nursery World.” Nursery World, 27 Apr. 2023, www.nurseryworld.co.uk/content/features/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain/.

Morin, Amanda . “The Difference between Tantrums and Meltdowns.” Www.understood.org, www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-meltdowns.

Nannery, Sarah, and Lance Nannery. “What Is the Difference between a Meltdown and a Tantrum?” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-to-say-next/202105/what-is-the-difference-between-a-meltdown-and-a-tantrum. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Reeck, Crystal, et al. “The Social Regulation of Emotion: An Integrative, Cross-Disciplinary Model.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 47–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.09.003.

Rouse, Matthew. “How Can We Help Kids with Self-Regulation?” Child Mind Institute, 2016, childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Schilling, Elizabeth. “Temper Tantrums (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. “Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones.” Stanfordchildrens.org, 2019, www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=age-appropriate-speech-and-language-milestones-90-P02170. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Tao, Ting, et al. “Development of Self-Control in Children Aged 3 to 9 Years: Perspective from a Dual-Systems Model.” Scientific Reports, vol. 4, no. 1, 11 Dec. 2014, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5377018/, https://doi.org/10.1038/srep07272.

“The Difference between Meltdowns & Tantrums – Autism Treatment Center.” Autism Treatment Center of America, autismtreatmentcenter.org/knowledge-base/the-difference-between-meltdowns-and-tantrums/.

Twito, Louise, et al. “The Motivational Aspect of Children’s Delayed Gratification: Values and Decision Making in Middle Childhood.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 10, no. 1649, 31 July 2019, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01649.

When to Worry about Toddler Temper Tantrums. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

At the very heart of it, discipline is about teaching and training.  Punishment on the other hand is about negative consequences for wrong actions.

Sometimes discipline will involve consequences, but consequences are not the only way to discipline a child.

Punishments are focused on what has already happened, and the hard payment for it.  Discipline, if done well, is forward-looking.  It endeavours to give a set of skills for the child to use moving forwards. (Li)

When a child is making wrong choices the parents need to adjust the behaviour.   They have the choice to make that adjustment via punishment or via discipline. Let’s look at each method in a little more detail.

Adjustment via punishment

Two assumptions are being made when parents use only punishments to correct behaviour.  The first assumption is that without a threat of a negative repercussion hanging over a child’s head they will choose to be naughty.

The second assumption is that being naughty is a always a willful choice and the child has the ability to make the right choices. 

I would contend neither of these assumptions is true.

The truth is most children want to be good.  They might also really want sweets, toys, the red cup and to never sleep.  They often want to be good too.   

Children want to belong, to connect, and to be healthy, which are all the things we want for them.  Unfortunately, though, they often do not have the skill sets, the understanding, or the self-control to make the right choices.  Instead, their other wants, worries or emotions can take over.

Patience, critical thinking, empathy, kindness and self-control are traits that many children struggle with, as do many grown-ups.  The same as grown-ups, many children can make great decisions some days but then have days where they find it hard to keep it together. 

If a child is being punished regularly, but not being given the support that they need to make the right choices, they often become stressed, and worried about the next time they might mess up.  Repeated punishments can cause them to see themselves as naughty or bad, yet feel that they lack the skills to be good.

Adjustment via discipline

Discipline is looking at what you want to teach the child, and what is the best way to teach it. (Siegel and Bryson, 2016)

There may still need to be consequences.  For example, sometimes a child could lose a privilege if they are struggling to be responsible with it, or they may need to be removed from a situation if they are not behaving appropriately.

The focus, however, will be on how to move forward rather than on a punishment for what has been.    There are a plethora of tools that parents can use to teach children the skills integral to living a healthy, happy and kind life.

By teaching your child the skills they need to make the right choices, you give them more control over themselves and how they behave. This can significantly boost their self-esteem.

The Science Behind Gentle Discipline

Science gives us a few reasons why gentler and proactive discipline works better than punishments. 

Upstairs or downstairs?

The brain is complex, but let’s look at it as two halves. The upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain is the first to develop and is all about survival. As well as operating some important functions, like breathing it also controls the fight or flight response.   

Fight or flight was the stress response that would have been imperative to our ancestors in their more perilous times.  Fight or flight shuts down your thinking brain, which is analytical and slow. Then instinct facilitates hasty retreat (flight) or self-defence (fight.)  It is a defence and will kick in whenever the brain perceives a threat.

The upstairs brain develops later and oversees critical thinking, problem-solving, empathy, and patience. (Conkbayir, n.d.)

When we discipline our children, we want to be working with their upstairs brain, however, if they feel threatened the downstairs brain will be running the show.  In fight or flight mode our little ones will be unable to reason.

To learn more about the two halves of the brain, check out this article, which goes into more depth.

 A little gentleness and empathy from us can help your child feel safe and get the upstairs brain back in control to give you the best chance of teaching the lessons that you want to teach.

Pure Chemistry

Your child has chemicals, or hormones, controlling their body’s different functions, and carrying messages throughout their body.

Cortisol is the hormone which helps your child’s body respond to stress. If children are in strict environments with frequent punishments, they are likely to have an excess of cortisol released in their bodies. (Australia) Excess cortisol has been proven to shrink the brain and cause issues with memory loss.  (Mandal, MD)

The science of self-believe

A child who believes that they are competent, strong and have a high self-worth will not just be happier, but will also start to emulate the qualities that they see in themselves.  There have been studies that show that self-belief has an impact on performance.   Many children will follow the narrative that you lay out for them.  If they are often punished harshly, not trusted, and reminded of their mistakes they will see themselves in a negative light and act accordingly. (Sutton, 2020)

If, however, you highlight their potential, celebrate their successes and believe in them, even in their worst moments you can rewrite this narrative.

How to discipline gently

We have talked about the why, now let’s look at the how.

Disclaimer: Gentle parenting often gets a bad name, as it can be confused with passive parenting.  I am not advocating stepping back, and letting your six-year old call the shots. 

Gentle parenting is about proactively teaching and setting firm boundaries in a loving and empathetic way.  That is, you connect with your child, and acknowledge their feelings, but you do not let their feelings run the show.  

Here are a few ways that you can start disciplining gently.

Unite to fight

A big difference between discipline and punishment, is when we discipline we play on the same team as our child.

Discipline doesn’t have to be us versus our child.  You can work with your child.  If your child is struggling with an attitude or behaviour, sit with them and work out a plan to move forward. Ask them to brain storm solutions with you

If you are at a loss there are so many online resources and books on overcoming nearly everything. If you have an older child, spend time researching together to find creative ways to support them in overcoming difficult behaviours.

 As well as engaging their upper brain, as you come up with solutions alongside your child, you will connect with them and teach them how to problem solve.  

Remember that they are children

This may seem obvious.   It is easy, however, to forget that their brains are not yet developed.  They are going to struggle with some of the upper brain behaviours.  I often put adult expectations on my nine-year-old, and forget, heck, he is just nine. 

As you remember their limitations, and bring grace and patience to the table, remind them too.  Growing up is hard, and the world can be brutal.  Let them know that making the right choices takes practice.  Every good choice that they make is a step in the right direction and celebrate it.  Every wrong choice can be learnt from.

Make consequences immediate, fair and manageable

Long-term punishments don’t usually work well, but giving immediate consequences may be more beneficial.  

Consequences that they can manage are even better.  For example, rather than sending your child to their room for 10 minutes, send them to their room until they have calmed down and are ready to make things right.  Rather than banning them from the screen for a week, ban them from the screen until they have helped you with something in the house.  Giving them that control helps them work towards where they need to be, and can help their confidence.

Avoidance

Avoiding misbehaviour is a lot easier than correcting it.  Simple things can help children to be their very best selves. Communicate well, and in advance if you can about plans so that they know if they are coming or going.  Make sure they are fed and well rested.    Connect in lots of positive ways.

A final note

If, like me, you were raised in the days of punishments, and authoritative parenting, this may all seem unnatural and weak.

This is not weakness.  It is not about letting children do as they please without consequences.  You are still laying down clear guidelines, and ensuring that your children are aware of the correct attitudes and behaviours.

Gentle discipline is about being strong,  loving and wise.  Strong enough to hold your peace, loving enough to get alongside your child, and wise enough to discern the very best way of teaching them.

You and your child are stronger than ever together.

Reference list

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Conkbayir, M. (n.d.). Neuroscience: Understand the ‘upstairs’ and ‘downstairs’ brain. [online] Nursery World. Available at: https://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/features/article/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Lehman, J. (2020). Empowering Parents. [online] Empowering Parents. Available at: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-give-kids-consequences-that-work/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Li, P. (2019). Discipline and punishment – what’s the difference (4 Effective discipline Strategies) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Parenting For Brain. Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/discipline-vs-punishment/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Mandal, MD, Dr.A. (2018). Stress can cause memory loss and brain shrinkage finds study. [online] News-Medical.net. Available at: https://www.news-medical.net/news/20181025/Stress-can-cause-memory-loss-and-brain-shrinkage-finds-study.aspx [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline : The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.

Sutton, J. (2020). Self-Esteem and Children: Your Ultimate Guide (incl. Activities). [online] PositivePsychology.com. Available at: https://positivepsychology.com/self-esteem-for-children/.