When looking at how to fix separation anxiety in children, it is important to understand the root cause of the anxiety. By understanding what our children are feeling, and why, we become better equipped to be able to support them through their tricky moments, and help them to come out stronger.

What causes separation anxiety in young children?

The first thing it is important to know is that separation anxiety is normal. Between the ages of six months and three years old, most children will exhibit signs of separation anxiety in some form.

As babies grow, they are constantly learning. One big development is the understanding that things and people still exist when they are not right there. They now know that although Mummy walked into a different room, she is still somewhere. This understanding with their limited knowledge of things like time, or schedules, can cause children to panic when they are left by their primary caregivers. They know the person they rely on for everything is somewhere, but they don’t know where.

Although it can be a difficult stage to navigate, remember that children have separation anxiety because they feel safe with their carers. Before we look at how to fix it, know that you must have already been doing something right to have become your child’s safe place.

How to fix separation anxiety in young children?

Separation anxiety is something that all young children will go through, and sometimes older children too. there is no quick fix. Although there is comfort in knowing it is a natural stage that will pass, it can be exhausting. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help your child through this.

• Make the separations gradual. Try asking a friend to come watch your little one, and start by letting them play with your child with you in the room, then pop out for a few minutes. Slowly increase the amount of time that you are gone. As this progresses your child will learn that you always come back.
• Smile when you are saying goodbye. Walking away from your baby while they are crying can be heartbreaking. You might find that you want to cry, too. However, babies and toddlers are social learners. They will learn the most from their primary caregivers. If they see that you are upset when you leave, it reinforces the idea that something is wrong.
• Routines can help your baby or toddler understand what is happening and predict what will happen next. Creating a routine that you consistently stick to when you leave your child and pick them up can help ground them.
• Give them your full focus before you leave and when you return. It is never fun when your toddler has a meltdown at drop-off, but try to leave on a good note. This will help your child feel secure in their bond with you.

Separation anxiety disorder in children

Sometime separation anxiety can be more intense or prolonged. This is called separation anxiety disorder. It can be a sign of other worries or poor mental health.

Causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Although a child’s environment and experiences can cause separation anxiety disorder, a child’s biology is also a factor.

A child’s hormones help to control different neurological and physical functions throughout their body. An imbalance of two hormones, norepinephrine and serotonin, can make a child more prone to anxiety.

This means, that if your child is naturally more anxious, it may just be the way their brain is wired. It is worth thinking about environmental factors too. If there are big life changes or stresses your child may need extra support.

How to support a child with separation anxiety disorder

• Teach coping mechanisms. There are lots of great recourses that offer a plethora of coping strategies you can teach your child to use when they are feeling anxious. Here is a list of coping strategies from Barnados, which you may find helpful.
• Don’t avoid situations that your child finds difficult. Of course, you may want to take small steps. At times, you may choose to give your child some downtime rather than pushing them. However, don’t let their anxiety completely control what you do and don’t do. If your child is anxious about being left, and you don’t leave them, they will remain convinced that being separated from you means something bad will happen. Being separated from you is imperative for them to understand that separation is okay, and that they can handle it.
• Keep your word. Anxious children often worry about whether their parents will come back. If you have a history of keeping your word, your child will trust you to pick them up again as promised. If you are running late for a pick up, it is worth calling or emailing the carer or teacher so that they can explain to your child.
• Try to anticipate situations that your child may find difficult. Talk them through what to expect and what they should do. Make sure they know the adults are there that they can turn to for help if needed.
• Remember to look after yourself. Having a child who will not leave your side can be exhausting. To be strong for them, it is important that you care for yourself.

When to seek help

Like some people, you may feel that there is a stigma around poor mental health. You may be nervous about seeking outside help, but there is no reason to be.

If separation anxiety is impacting your child’s ability to do daily tasks, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people trained to work with children who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health issues. The sooner we acknowledge that it is okay to need support sometimes, the better for all of our children.

Where to get help

There are a few different places that provide support for parents trying to fix separation anxiety disorder in their children. Although there may not be quick, or easy solutions, they may be able to support you and your child, and help move things in the right direction.

• School: Most schools have workers who are trained to support children who are struggling with things like anxiety. They can also help to connect you with other charities or organisations who may be able to help.
• Local doctors surgery: General practitioners are able to support mental, as well as physical, health. They may not offer hands on help, but should be able to refer you to someone who can.
• Help lines: If you search on the internet, you are likely to find both local and national help lines that are able to provide support to children and young people who are struggling with issues like anxiety.

A final note

As we have discussed, a certain amount of separation anxiety in children is normal, and will usually fix itself in time. If your child is struggling and it is impacting their life in a negative way, or just not improving, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need support sometimes.

Separation anxiety isn’t easy, but hang in there. This too will pass.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Hormones: What They Are, Function & Types.” Cleveland Clinic, 23 Feb. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22464-hormones.

Contributing, Taylor,. “Separation Anxiety in Toddlers.” What to Expect, WhattoExpect, 15 Nov. 2016, www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/toddler-separation-anxiety.aspx#causes. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025.

Goldstein, Clark. “What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/.

Mayo Clinic. “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 5 Apr. 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.

NHS. “Separation Anxiety.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.

“Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It Happens and What to Do | Riley Children’s Health.” Www.rileychildrens.org, www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do.

Swanson, Wendy. “How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety.” HealthyChildren.org, 29 July 2021, www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx.

Watson, Renee. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children.” Www.nationwidechildrens.org, 1 Mar. 2023, www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.

Zara Jethani. “The Impact of Hormone Imbalances on Neurological Health and Memory – Pacific Neuroscience Institute.” Pacific Neuroscience Institute, 12 July 2024, www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-health/the-impact-of-hormone-imbalances-on-neurological-health-and-memory/.

If I had heard people talking about how to survive children’s birthday parties before I was a mother, I would have thought them miserable.

What could be more lovely than children’s birthday parties? Who asks how to survive something so joyful?

You may find the first few parties are indeed wonderful. They are too young to have friends, so the guest list consists of your friends and family. All your favourite people come and enjoy the cuteness of your toddler.

The dynamic changes, however, when a child starts school.

Now your child has friends, so the guest list includes a lot more little people, along with parents you don’t know. There will be children who don’t know how to behave kindly or struggle to do so. There will be parents who are likewise afflicted.

If it isn’t your party, or if you are catering to please the little people, there will likely be sugar. When sugar mixes with excited children the result is the same as when you put a mint into cola. That is, explosive and messy.

Then there are gifts. Buying gifts for children you don’t know is difficult. Receiving gifts for your child isn’t always fun either. Even if they aren’t gifted glitter or slime-making kits, you have to make room for new toys, some of which you know they will never play with.

So are children’s birthday parties just something we have to survive, or can we find ways to make them fun, or at least peaceful?

How to survive children’s parties as a guest

As a guest, there is less pressure on you. At the very worst it is a few hours sitting in a noisy room, making nice to other parents.

Here are a few tips to help you, when your child starts getting invited to parties.

Gifts

The truth is, it is okay not to spend a fortune on gifts. If you are struggling financially don’t feel pressured to pay out silly amounts. Especially as there are likely to be multiple parties over the year. A fiver in a card is plenty.

If you do want to get gifts rather than cash, it is sometimes worth having a go-to gift for each year, that you buy for every party. That way you only have to think about it once, and all other parties you have a gift idea ready.

My favourite go-to gift was a pocket microscope. However, you can tailor it to your child’s age and the common interests in their group.

Behaviour

As we have already discussed, excitement and sugar can be a dangerous combination. A lot of birthday parties are awash with both. Even if your child is normally well-behaved, they may struggle to make the right choices amid the hullaballoo of a party.

Of course, children are still learning, and messy moments cannot be avoided. To give your child the best chance of making good choices, remind them of behaviour expectations.

Talk to them about food choices, too. It isn’t easy when there is an array of sugar and other children are just dabbing in. A little moderation and some balancing out with savoury can help your child avoid a big sugar high and low.

Can I drop and run?

It is a beautiful thing, when children are old enough to have drop-off parties. However, there will often be times when you aren’t sure if it’s drop-off or if parents are expected to stay. The safest option is always to expect to stay unless it is specifically stated that the party is drop-off, or unless there is a pickup time indicated. If the invite just has the time the party ends plan to stay.

If you are able, offer to help the parent who is hosting. Extra hands to cut cakes, pour juice or dole out party bags are often welcome. As well as modelling kindness to your child, when you help you get to know other parents a little more.

Can I bring a sibling?

Not every parent has childcare to fall back on. For those with multiple children, this can make taking one to a party difficult.

If you need to bring a sibling, ask the hosting parent in advance, and be sure to offer to pay for any costs, or be clear that your other child will be sat to the side watching.

If your child isn’t invited

It is hard to stand in line and watch a child handing out invites pass over your child. It is harder when the child hosting the party is someone your child counts as a friend. I have been there. It pulls a little at your heartstrings when you see the disappointment in your child’s face.

If you struggled socially when you were little it can cut a little deeper. You might relive the times that you were left out when you were a child, and begin to fear you have that your child will go through the same pain.

The thing is, parenting isn’t about shielding your child from difficult moments. Rather it is about helping them cope with them. Children are constantly learning. Use moments like this to help them learn things that are healthy and true.

When your child isn’t invited, let them feel sad. Remind them that everyone is left out sometimes and that is ok. Things aren’t always fair. Keep teaching them to be kind and true to who they are. Most of all trust that they will develop resilience and perspective in time. For these traits to develop it is important they experience rejection at some point.

It’s ok to say no

If your child is in a class where everyone gets invited to every party, it is okay to say no occasionally. You do not need an excuse to say “no.” The need for downtime, self-care, and time at home is real. If you go to 20 children’s birthday parties within a year, it will become about how to survive rather than having fun.

How to survive children’s parties as a host

Planning children’s parties can be fun, but a little stressful at times. Let’s look at a few ways that you can survive children’s birthday parties as a host.

Does it need to be a party?

In the first few years of school, there will be lots of children’s birthday parties for your child to enjoy, and you to survive. Naturally, your child will likely want one too. However, older children are often just as happy doing something fun with their best friends. When there are just a few children to cater for there are so many more activities that you can do, and even with a fancier activity, the price will go down.

It may be worth offering them the choice between a party and a few different activities that you know they would like with one or two friends.

Guest list

Some schools require you to invite the whole class, but if you have the freedom to invite less be kind. Inviting nearly the whole class and leaving out two or three children can cause a lot of hurt for those few left out.

If you are planning a larger party but don’t want to invite everyone, perhaps stick to the children that your child often plays with so there is a natural cutoff.

It is perfectly fine to mix worlds if your child has friends from school, clubs and beyond. Most children are naturally sociable, and love making new friends.

Sending out invitations

Sometimes your only option is to hand out invitations in the class line. It can be worth checking with the class teacher however, as sometimes they are willing to pop invitations into bags for you.

Include an RSVP by date, your details and any requirements that the venue may have.

Since you will probably send the invites out a few weeks in advance, a text the week before checking for any dietary requirements can remind any parents who might have forgotten about the party.

Gift Bags

There are so many fun and original alternatives to cheap plastic toys and sweets for gift bags.

Here are a few ideas:

• Quiet night in theme, with silly socks (from a multipack to keep it to budget), a book and a hot chocolate sachet.
• Ask your child to make a beaded friendship bracelet with each friends name and put it in a little bag with lip gloss and a little hand cream.
• Soft toy adoption- get little teddies or other cuddles for each child with adoption certificates.
• Check out websites where you can buy books in bulk on a budget and wrap one up for each child with their name on it
• Buy each child something to take home and personalise. There are a lot of options out there. Make your own mug kit; build a birdhouse kit etc.
• Find pretty pots and packs of seeds for the children to grow their own flowers at home

Uninvited guests

Whilst it is a good idea to have a spare party bag in case someone forgets to RSVP, you do not need to cater for any uninvited siblings who show up. If you can afford it and you choose to, that is kind, but if your budget doesn’t allow it, it isn’t your responsibility.

You do not have to be confrontational, just be clear. “I’ve prebooked the party children, but if Sally’s sister wants to play too, you can book her in over there. There should be menus too, if you want to order her some food.”

Or, if there isn’t the option to add on children, “I’m afraid the venue is pre-book only, but it will be lovely having Sally’s sister hanging out with us grown-ups today.”

Catering

There are venues that will cater for you, which can take a lot of the pressure off you. Most venues will cater to dietary requirements also.

If you are catering, here are a few options:

• Put out rolls and fillings, along with a few bits to go on the side and let the children make their own sandwich. This is better for older children, who can do more independently.
• Order in pizza. Sometimes simple.
• To reduce waste, make snack boxes. List sandwich fillings on the invite for guests to choose ahead, and make a box for each child with a sandwich, and a few other snacks.
• Make your own pizza. I know, I have listed pizza twice. Pizza is usually popular, and easy to prep. If you are hosting the party at home, prep some pizza bases and let the children add sauce, cheese and topping. Remember to write the child’s name on the baking parchment next to their creation. You will probably have to bake in batches and use foil to keep warm.
• Prep a few different types of pasta and a few different sauces and let the children fill their bowls with their favourites. Although this can be fun, it does require cooking during the party so you might want helpers if you are going this way. Be sure to drizzle the plain pastas with a little bit of olive oil to stop them sticking.
• Roast vegetable salad bar. Just joking. If you get 20 six-year-olds to eat a roast vegetable salad, you are my hero.

Just make sure that you label any allergens clearly if you have a child with dietary requirements.

Depending on budget, you might want to lay out a few snacks and drinks for the adults too, but you don’t have to.

Cake

If you enjoy baking, making your child’s birthday cake can be so much fun, but don’t ever feel guilty if you aren’t able to.

An easier option is to buy a store-bought cake and then personalise it with your own toppings. This could be adding your child’s favourite candy, or using toy figurines to make it themed.

If you are on a tight time limit, cutting and wrapping up cake slices may be difficult. Another option is to pre-wrap cupcakes and take the main cake home as is.

Gifts

I would advise against opening gifts at a party. Firstly, because children can be candid in their reactions. If they love one gift and dislike another they may not be as subtle as we would hope. Secondly, there is the possibility that other children will try to play with their new toys which can lead to tears.

It is safer by far to open gifts after the party, and then either text thank yous, or videos of your child saying thank you to the givers.

If you are hosting the party at a venue be sure to take bags to carry gifts home in.

Final note

There will be a certain amount of stress associated with children’s birthday parties, but you can do more than survive, you can have fun. Or at least enjoy watching your child have fun.

Many parents struggle to overcome school avoidance. If it is a battle right now, you are not alone.

The fact that it is a common issue is, sadly, a small consolation when school drop-off is in five minutes and your child refuses to put on their shoes.

Today we will look at some proactive ways that you can work with your child who fights going to school school.

Why children avoid school

Although it looks like defiance, school avoidance is usually a result of anxiety. The cause of the anxiety will vary from child to child, so when overcoming school avoidance it helps to try and work out is upsetting them.

The causes of school-related anxiety could be related to personality clashes with other students or with staff. Perhaps they feel out of depth with the work, or the work is too easy for them. Classrooms are noisy places which some little ones find overwhelming. Separation anxiety can be a factor also.

When you understand the root cause of the issue, you will be in a stronger place to find solutions. Remember, like us, some children may not understand how they feel. Be patient if you don’t get an answer right away. Try talking about different parts of the day, or different aspects of school and help them to explore their emotions.

5 Ways to overcome school avoidance

As we have just discussed, there are different reasons why children may avoid school. Not every one of these solutions will work for every situation. Hopefully one or two will make things a little easier for you.

1. Implement before-school and after-school routines to ground your child

Routines can be grounding and comforting to children, as well as to adults. If they are struggling , adding some structure to the lead up to school can be beneficial.

I would avoid using the screen before school as it can be hard to pull your little one away from it.

It can help to have a buffer between changing into their uniform and walking out the door, so they have a few moments to themselves. You could use these to read to them, let them do some colouring or have a snack.

When they get home, make sure that there are a few moments to decompress. Perhaps set out a few favourite toys and another snack. These moments can help your child to navigate the day and feel a little bit more secure.

2. Ask your teacher to make a visual timetable for your child

School days can be busy, and you little one might feel a little lost in all the going on around them.

Having a visual timetable can help them know what is going to happen throughout the day. This can increase there feeling of security.

Of course things change, and so it is important that your little one knows that these are just things that will probably happen. Reassure them that if things they will be okay.

3. Help them mentally reframe school

It is common for children who are anxious to spend time thinking about their fears or worries. Adults do it too. Although it is a natural response, it can increase fear and anxiety as all of the focus is on the negative.

A simple way to pull them out of this is to help them actively look for positive things about school.

Set them a challenge. Ask them to pay attention throughout the day. Ask them to come home ready to tell you one of the following:

• Something they enjoyed
• Something interesting that they learnt
• Something they did kind
• Something someone else did kind
• Something they are proud of

They receive a point for everything good that they can tell you at the end of the day. 50 points earns a prize. You might want to limit them to 3 things per day, to ensure that they are really noticing and paying attention to what they are saying.

Make sure that they know they can still talk about things that they found sad, scary or hard. It is important to talk about those things too. This is just about balancing the picture a little and helping them see the good things that happen at school.

3. Role play to help them manage situations

If your child is struggling with relationships at school, take some time to role play conversations at home. School exposes children to lots of new personalities and situations. Having ideas of what they can do to navigate them can help them feel equipped and more confident going into the day.

This may mean teaching them how to speak up for themselves or resolve conflict. Sometimes it may be teaching them how to walk away and keep their peace.

It is worth noting that it isn’t always other children that they will struggle with. Sometimes teachers can have very different personalities to the caregivers children have grown up with. Helping them to respectfully ask for help, or explain when things are difficult, can be a great help.

4. Give them a connection point

We are our children’s safe place. When we aren’t there to run to it can be scary. Sometimes a little token can help them feel connected to us throughout the day.

It doesn’t have to be something big. You could make a friendship bracelet to remind them that you are always in their corner. Maybe draw a dot on both of your fingers and tell them to press it when they miss you. Whatever you choose to do, let them know it is a visual sign of the constant truth. You love them, and their connection to you is secure, even if they can’t see you.

5. Calm down meditations

As we discussed before, anxiety is often behind school avoidance. If we overcome their anxiety it will have a big impact.

When their little minds are busy, meditation is a great tool to help them find their peace and quiet their thoughts.

Meditation and mindfulness have been proven to have a positive effect on reducing anxiety and increasing a child’s well-being.

There are mindfulness cards that you can invest in, or guided meditations on YouTube. Teach them how to use mindful breathing to ground themselves throughout the day.

Well-mental has a great video aimed at children

Support for helping children overcome school avoidance

If you have tried everything, but every day is still a battle, there is no shame in asking for help. Working to overcome school avoidance is hard. Teachers or specialised staff at your child’s school are likely to have training that can help.

If you have more than one child, maybe a friend or family would be able to help with the other children’s drop-offs on the messier days.

Many parents will have gone through the same battle, and are likely happy to help.

A final note

When you are trying to overcome school avoidance, it may feel like an uphill battle. It is emotional, exhausting and frustrating. Remember that it will pass. Remember to look after yourself.

References

Garey, Juliann. “The Power of Mindfulness.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/the-power-of-mindfulness/.

Rutherford, Marion, et al. Pupils’ Views on Visual Timetables and Labels in Mainstream Primary Classrooms. 2020.

Wilson, Nina A, et al. “Role of Meditation to Improve Children’s Health: Time to Look at Other Strategies.” Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, vol. 57, no. 2, 20 Nov. 2020, https://doi.org/10.1111/jpc.15275.

Young Minds. “School Anxiety and Refusal | Parents’ Guide to Support.” YoungMinds, 2024, www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/school-anxiety-and-refusal/. Accessed 19 Feb. 2025.

Twinkl.co.uk, 2022, www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/5-benefits-of-visual-schedules-in-the-classroom.

If reading has become a chore for your little one, you may be wondering how to bring the fun back. Reading should be a joy. A good book can open your child’s eyes to so much wonder.   It can take them to depths of the ocean, or outer space.  

However, as children struggle with the mechanics of language, and grammar, it is easy to see how the magic gets lost. 

Benefits of reading

If you are an avid reader, you will know the fun of reading, but can it be more than just fun?

Many studies show reading can benefit children in a myriad of ways. Reading can increase a child’s vocabulary. (Everhart et al., 2002) Linguistic development can help a child to make sense of the world around them, and their own experiences. (Avashni, 2021)

When your child reads a story, they often experience the events through the eyes of the characters involved. This can help them increase empathy, which is a vital social skill for later life. (Bal and Veltkamp, 2013)

How to make reading fun

Visit the library

Many libraries run free activities.  However, just choosing books is fun. You could stop at the shop, on the way home, for reading snacks as an extra treat.

Learn by reading instructions

Let your child learn a skill from written instructions. Following a recipe or ‘how to’ guide can be fun and empowering for your child

 Many activities need supervision, but let your child take the lead.  Teaching themselves will help build their confidence.

Here are some fun recipes to try.

Sharing emails

You can set up an email account for child, using your adult account to manage it. Writing emails can encourage relationships between your child, and the adults around them.  For younger children, let them read the emails, and dictate the reply.  If you have an older child, they could type the replies, also.

Once your child has learnt how to work their email account, the fun of seeing a new email popping up can be immeasurable.

Make a reading area

Everyday activities are transformed with a change of location.  Reading at a desk might be boring.  Reading in a blanket den is fun. 

How to create a good reading space

Your reading area can be as unique as your family. 

Firstly, find a space. If you have a smaller home, then you may need to get creative. 

Next, choose how to store books in the reading space.   Perhaps, create a shelf by turning a good, strong box sideways, or find an old magazine rack from a charity shop.   I recommend only putting a few books out.  Too many books can make choosing more difficult.  If you want to add variety, you can change the book selection weekly.

Finally, make it comfortable, and fun.  Cushions, and blankets are a great start. 

Fun books that your child will love reading

Everyone has a different opinion on what the best children’s books are.  This changes, of course, with time, and all the other different factors which make tastes unique.  There is no definitive list of the greatest children’s books, however, there are lots of great books to discover.

Some children enjoy fact books, others enjoy stories.  If you know other families that love reading, perhaps arrange a book swap to discover some new favourites.

Here are some great children’s books.

A final note

Whatever you end up reading, have fun. I would love to hear how you choose to make memories reading with your child.  

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Avashni. “Language Development | Knights Preparatory School.” Knights Preparatory School, 13 Oct. 2021, knightsschools.com/the-importance-of-language-development/.

Bal, P. Matthijs, and Martijn Veltkamp. “How Does Fiction Reading Influence Empathy? An Experimental Investigation on the Role of Emotional Transportation.” PLoS ONE, vol. 8, no. 1, 30 Jan. 2013, journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0055341, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0055341.

Department for Education. Research Evidence on Reading for Pleasure Education Standards Research Team. May 2012.

Everhart, Nancy, et al. “Long-Term Tracking of Student Participants’ Reading Achievement in Reading Motivation Programs.” Knowledge Quest, vol. 30, no. 5, 2002, pp. 43–46, eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ652527.

International Reading Association. Leisure Reading a JOINT POSITION STATEMENT of the INTERNATIONAL READING ASSOCIATION, the CANADIAN CHILDREN’S BOOK CENTRE, and the NATIONAL COUNCIL of TEACHERS of ENGLISH. 2014.

Homework can become a battle. Does it need to be? Is it possible to encourage your child to study independently?

I remember being a child and hating homework.  When I encourage my children to study it’s not without empathy. Amongst the parents I know, there are wildly different attitudes to the idea of schoolwork outside of school.  Some believe there isn’t enough time for children to play, so are happy for homework to be forgotten.   Others will sit with their child and ensure every task is completed.

Is homework beneficial?

As with many topics, experts do not agree if homework is beneficial, or not. There is more consensus that homework benefits older children, rather than younger ones.^{(Goodwin, 2023)} Here is a really interesting article exploring some of pros and cons.

For younger children, there are concerns that too much homework hampers play.  Play is important as it is how young children learn and develop. Reading with young children, however, can be extremely beneficial. As well as boosting their cognitive skills, reading benefits children socially and emotionally. ^{(Collier, 2019)} Of course, it is important to keep reading fun, so books remain a joy rather than a chore.

For older children, homework can offer more than just an improvement in their grades.   Managing their learning outside of the classroom can develop important life skills and self-discipline.  Parents can also use homework to be involved in the child’s learning and understand what they are doing at school. ^{(Orr, 2023)}

The attitude

Perhaps some of the facts that our older children are pouring over during homework sessions will help them later in life, or some may not.  What will last, are the positive mindsets and attitudes that can be fostered through homework.

These three lessons in attitude are worth focusing on.

1.  The wisdom of planning tasks– Time management is a skill that will benefit your child in their adult years. Time management can take time to learn, so practising it at a young age is worth the effort.
2. How to work and then play.   We have probably all heard the adage, ‘Eat the frog’. It is reported to have come from Mark Twain, quoted as having said, ‘Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.’ Eating a live frog is a bad idea. Getting your work out of the way so that you can enjoy playing is a better idea.
3. What It feels like to take pride in what they do. As well as learning the subjects, during the school years children are also learning about themselves. By truly trying their best on homework projects, they can explore their potential to grow and improve.

How much to help

Homework can be much more fun when you are a grown-up and the work is no longer your own.  This seems to be most evident when homework gets crafty.  In my son’s first term at school, they were asked to make rockets from household items and bring them in.  There were 28 rockets with definite five-year-old vibes; Two rockets, however, were so detailed, intricate and fancy that you had to wonder if a child was allowed within five feet of it.

While helping heavily, or simply doing their homework while they watch cartoons, might seem kind at the time, it can be counterproductive. Children need to be given the space to push their limits and find out what they are capable of. Showing them what you are capable of will do nothing to build their self-esteem or develop their skill sets.

How much you help will depend on the age of your child. Little ones often need a lot more assistance. For younger children, take everything step by step, letting them do as much as they can at each stage.  Let them help to plan, and to troubleshoot when things go wrong.

 As your child gets older, increase their independence in line with what they can handle. When you do help, try to do so by teaching them new skills rather than just doing it for them

 The more that you let children do for themselves, the greater their sense of ownership of the project becomes.  

How to cope with homework meltdowns

During the first UK Covid 19 lockdown, I home-schooled my son or at least tried to.  It did not go well. We both ended up angry and frustrated. He had more than one meltdown, and truth be told, I wasn’t peaceful or kind.

The second Covid-19 lock down I wanted to do better. I would not fight. We told my son it was up to him how much he did. However, privileges like watching a screen, staying up late or having fun days out were contingent on doing the essential homeschooling tasks. If he felt tired, he could play, read, or colour. When he was caught up on homeschooling, the privileges were back.

I have carried this strategy through to weekly homework and it works well. There are days when they choose to do something else first, but they always come back to their homework. They enjoy the extra privileges that homework unlocks

I believe that it is important to teach children to make the right choices through discipline, rather than control them through fights.

If you are having homework battles remember to talk to your child. There might be parts of the homework that they struggle with. You can encourage them to explore creative ways to overcome the difficulties. For example, if they feel too tired to study, a snack and a small break before studying might help.

You don’t have to shout, drag them to the table, or staple their sleeves to the textbooks. Leave the books on the table ready for them, but reserve certain privileges for after homework is finished. An important one is screen.

Screen is now a big part of most children’s lives. It is not bad in itself, but without moderation can become addictive. Many games and YouTube videos are fast-moving, delivering quick hits of dopamine and endorphins, with minimal effort from the child. These chemicals are addictive, and make focusing for a long time harder. ^{(Luker, 2022)} Reserve screen for after homework. This will encourage any young gamers to prioritise homework, and they will be studying with their brains still switched on

Tips, tricks and staying sane

1. Keep to a schedule. Have a set time for homework.  Find what works for you.
2. Consider doing homework before screen time.  Once they are sat in front of a show or video game a child may let their brain switch off for a bit.  It can be a drag for them to pull back to work mode.
3. Make a space.  Even if it is just the kitchen table, designate a homework spot.  Clear off anything that could be distracting and help them set everything they need out.
4. Teach them to plan.  When children are older and are juggling more tasks, it may be worth getting a student diary.  When they come home each day, build the habit of planning out a time for any homework that they have been given.
5. Praise what they do well.  For any other perfectionists out there, I know this one is difficult.  We want our children’s work to be the very best it can be and point to what they can improve.  Unfortunately, pointing out mistakes can set a negative mindset.  They see themselves as not very good and perform accordingly. Instead, try and find things that they have done well and praise them on it.  Flip the narrative so they see themselves as thorough, tidy, and creative workers.  It is amazing how quickly they begin to live up to the new reality you have created.

A final note

As with all things be patient.  It may seem like the world, but one piece of homework missed will not break you or your child long-term.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah

References

Collier, Ellie. “Why Is Reading so Important for Children.” The Hub | High Speed Training, High Speed Training, 24 May 2019, www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/why-is-reading-important-for-children/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Dungy, Tony. “Motivating Kids to Give Their Best.” All pro Dad, 21 July 2017, www.allprodad.com/motivating-kids-to-give-their-best/.

Goodwin, Cara. “Is Homework Good for Kids? | Psychology Today United Kingdom.” Www.psychologytoday.com, 3 Oct. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-translator/202309/is-homework-good-for-kids. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Herrity, Jennifer. “20 Ways You Can Benefit from Time Management.” Indeed Career Guide, 22 Jan. 2022, www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/benefits-of-time-management.

Luker, Edward. “Are Video Games and Screens an Addiction?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 1 July 2022, www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

McIntyre, Julie. “How Young Children Develop Pride in Self.” Blog.concordiashanghai.org, 28 Oct. 2021, blog.concordiashanghai.org/how-young-children-develop-pride-in-self.

Orr, Derek. “The Pros and Cons of Homework.” Oxford Learning, Oxford Learning, 10 Feb. 2023, www.oxfordlearning.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-homework/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.