The joy of parenting is difficult to speak about without at least a little sarcasm. Blow out diapers on the way out the door, meltdowns in supermarkets, and a constant sense of self-doubt and guilt as you try to love and raise your little ball of crazy. Who could miss the joy, right?

Parenting is hard. It is messy, frustrating, and sometimes both physically and emotionally draining. Of course, there are good moments, not only when the children finally nap.

Watching your little one grow and explore the world, and standing by them as they learn who they are, is incredible. Often, however, the moments of joy are lost in the chaos that parenting also brings.

What is joy?

To understand the joy of parenting, we must explore what joy is.

Joy is often used as another word for happiness. This is one correct definition, but it is not the only definition.

The word joy derives from the French word “gaudia.” This translates as “to rejoice.” The root word, therefore, is a verb rather than a noun. I am not referencing grammar to bore you. The difference between a noun and a verb is important here. If we see joy as a noun, it is a thing. It is either there or not. If we see it as a verb, it can be something more. It becomes an action. It is now a choice. The verb joy is an internal attitude rather than an external circumstance.

Does joyful parenting mean that I have to be happy all the time?

Although joy is indeed an attitude, please don’t think I am telling you to be happy all the time. You will feel a lot of things at 3 am when your baby wakes up, and won’t go back to sleep. It is okay that happiness is not one of those things. No one expects you to celebrate when your toddler throws his dinner on the floor or refuses to put on his pants.

You will feel a spectrum of emotions as you pass through days of parenting. It is okay to have negative emotions. We will all be angry, frustrated and unsure at times. The Scientific American journal suggests that negative emotions are actually important for our well-being and mental health.

Can you be Joyful when you aren’t happy?

It is possible to be joyful but not happy. The ability to not be consumed by one emotion, and therefore make room for hope, optimism, connection, and all those other things that surround joy, is indicative of emotional maturity. Another way to describe this is emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience

Emotional resilience is a huge part of mental health. It is the ability to keep going and hold it together when it feels like everything is falling apart. Emotionally resilient people are able to appreciate the good, whilst still struggling with the negative.

It is worth noting that emotional resilience is easier to maintain when you are well-connected to positive and supportive people.

Emotional resilience can enable us to maintain joy, through the good days and the bad.

How to parent with joy

So, if joy is a choice, how do we choose it?

Make choices that increase your emotional resilience

As we just discussed, emotional resilience can make it easier to choose joy, as you stand against the waves of emotions that want to carry you away. There are a lot of ways to increase your emotional resilience. Building strong and healthy relationships with other mums, eating well, sleeping and taking time to meditate all have positive effects on your emotional resilience.

Prioritise Positivity

Research has been conducted on the benefits of positive thinking. A positive attitude has been linked with better mental and physical health.

As well as having health benefits, positivity can grow into joy. As you notice your strengths and opportunities rather than flaws and limitations, you will find more reasons to rejoice.

Remember, that this too shall pass

Sometimes it feels like certain struggles will never end, but remember, this too shall pass. The toddler tantrums won’t last forever, potty training will finish one day, and by the time your child is a teen, they will probably sleep through the night. Whatever you are going through, chances are that you will make it out the other end. Maybe you will come out bruised and a little shaken, but alive and ready to face the next challenge.

Slow down and simplify

In this age, many people feel judged by how much they do. And there is so much that could be done. School PTAs to volunteer for, family events, community events, Pinterest projects, scrapbooks, baking and if you have a daughter, intricate hairstyles to try.

Some of this can be fun. With fun and joy closely aligned, it may seem a good idea to say “yes” more. Check in with yourself, though. If you are already feeling stretched thin, remember that there is no shame in saying “no”. You are no less if you do less.

Surround yourself with joyful people

Theoretically, you will end up like the five people that you spend the most time with. Therefore, choose people are joyful, kind and will celebrate your successes with you and stand by you during your low times.

If your friends tear each other down and compete against each other, chances are they won’t be a positive influence in your life.

Accept what you can’t control

Life is not fair. It is an unpopular fact, but a fact. Some unfair things are also completely out of our control. When these cross your path, it is tempting to get angry and frustrated. In these times, remember to focus on the things that you can control.

It is impossible to be joyful in a reality that you refuse to accept.

Teaching your children joy

Often, children are naturally joyful. They can find fun in the least likely places, and explore the world with a sense of adventure and awe.

There are times, however, when they get bored, tired or overwhelmed. Should you teach them joy? If so how?

Although teaching your child joy may benefit them, it should be done with caution. Sure, you want to teach your little ones how to be okay and how to find good in whatever they face. This needs to be balanced with an acknowledgement of what they are feeling at the time. Don’t ever make your child feel ashamed of being sad, angry, scared, worried or any other unpleasant thing they may be feeling.

Rather than demanding that they have a positive attitude, try modelling one. You can say things like, “I know that it’s frustrating, the party was rained off. Shall we go and play in puddles instead? ” Or, “This is a rough week, what can we do that will make us feel better?”

Keep your eyes open, and point out things that are beautiful or worth your child’s wonder. If you walk through the woods looking for creepy crawlies, birds and pretty plants, your child is likely to do the same.

Games and challenges are a great way to bring joy into boring moments. Whilst waiting for a bus, find silly games to play. If your child is fussing to change, make it a race between them changing and you washing the pots.

A final note

No one is genuinely joyful all the time. That is okay. Sometimes we are just trying to survive.

Whatever you are walking through, however, try and take the time to look around you. Find something to smile about.

Parenting is not easy. so the more joy that you can scavenge along the way, the better. Joy can bring a little sunshine to the wildest storm.

I wish you all the peace!

Hannah Louise

What parenting style is best for your child is something that many people will differ on.

A few decades ago, many believed that the only proper way to parent a child was to instil unquestioning obedience via punishments and spanking if needed. Since those days, the norm has changed. Now, society sees spanking as abusive and unkind. In some cases, however, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. It is not uncommon in our current times to find households where parents give the children free rein. Some little ones are allowed to do what they want when they want it.

Despite the controversy, what parenting style is best for your child is not just a matter of personal opinion. There is research that has now been done into the four main parenting styles and how they impact children. But before we look at what parenting style is best, lets look at the 4 main styles of parenting.

The 4 main parenting styles

Pysologists break parenting down into 4 main styles. Of course, this are just the archetypes. Most parents will not fit neatly into one style, rather will work with a blend of the different parenting techniques.

The 4 main parenting styles are as follows.

Why do we all parent so differently?

Many factors can influence the way a person parents. These can be emotional, psychological and social.

Sometimes it is just an outcome of circumstances. This is often the case with uninvolved parents. This parenting style is often a side effect of a parent with other life struggles, therefore unable to give their best to the child.

Often, there are parenting styles that are seen as more acceptable in the location or social circle that surrounds you. In my parents’ day, authoritarian parenting was admired, and parents who smacked their children were seen as responsible. Nowadays, in the UK, smacking is seen as wrong, and the authoritarian style is a lot less acceptable.

Other factors can influence which parenting style you choose. It may be due to your own childhood, either a rebellion against or a copy off. Or perhaps your child has additional needs which you need to account for in your parenting methods.

How the different parenting styles impact your child

Two children can grow up in the same home and turn out completely different. Children are not innate sponges that we parent into, but rather living people who respond to the environment in which they are born.

Nevertheless, your parenting styles will have an impact on your child.

Authoritarian parenting

Authoritarian was the parenting style that was often touted as best during the 80s and 90s. On face, the children of authoritarian parents are well behaved. However, long-term, authoritarian parenting does not lead to positive or healthy behaviour.

The social impact of being raised by authoritarian parents was studied in China in 2023. Children who were raised in strict, authoritarian homes were more aggressive and less likely to connect with their peers. This may be due to genetics, learned behaviour, or just that the children were less trusting of their peers, believing that people were inherently aggressive.

It is worth noting that some disagree and believe that children from authoritarian families are less likely to cause disruptions and therefore get along with peers and other children.

Children from this parenting style do not have the best levels of emotional intelligence, which can lead to impulsive behaviour. They are also at higher risk of developing depression and anxiety. They are also likely to have low self esteem.

As their parents are controlling their behaviour and making decisions for them, they may struggle with self-control.

On the flip side, there are benefits to authoritarian parenting. It can offer children clarity on whose authority they should submit to. This can help them become resilient to peer pressure.

Uninvolved Parenting

Children of uninvolved parents are often very independent. This is usually due to the fact that they have had to take care of themselves, and not been able to rely on a parent or carer. Instead, they have had to fend for themselves.

They may also be more emotionally unstable or immature. This is because connection with the main adults in their life is important for a child’s emotional development.

That connection with the main caregiver, also will be a foundation upon which future relationships are formed. Without the connection, the child may struggle to maintain healthy and trusting relationships in the future.

Uninvolved parenting can also lead to low self-esteem in the child. The lack of structure can be detrimental to their physical and mental health. Without a close connection, they are not able to learn by watching a parent’s modelled behaviour, therefore can be more impulsive and find it hard to make sound decisions.

The consequences of uninvolved parenting carry through to school, with children struggling academically.

As we discussed earlier, often uninvolved parenting is not a choice. It is often the consequence of parents who are unable to show up due to their own limitations.

Permissive parenting

It is not surprising that children from permissive homes are often very secure in their relationship with their parents and have very high self-esteem.

Unfortunately, this parenting style also has many drawbacks.

As there are no boundaries at home, the children can struggle with self-control. The lack of rules and structure can also cause children to feel anxious and insecure. When they enter an environment where they are expected to follow rules, they can struggle.

If a child is not given limits on things like screen time or sugar, they will often overindulge. This not only leads to poor mental and physical health in the present, but they will also struggle to set limits on themself in later life.

As permissive parents often prioritise the child’s immediate happiness, children raised this way can become egocentric and lack patience or the ability to compromise. This can hurt their social development.

In permissive parenting children are offered as much freedom as the parent can manage, without the responsibilities. The lack of responsibility and accountability can mean these children can, find it harder to achieve academically or outside of school.

Authoritative parenting

Authoritative parenting is a middle ground between permissive and authoritarian parenting. It offers the structure and high expectations of authoritarian parenting, along with the strong parent-child bond of permissive parenting.

Children from authoritative parents are securely attached, and their voice is listened to. This can have a positive impact on their self-esteem and confidence. The strong bond can also reduce risk for anxiety and depression later in life.

Despite the strong bond, children from authoritative parents are encouraged to exercise their independence and try new things. The freedom that the children are given is matched with an understanding of the responsibilities. This can set a child up for success and achievement.

The strong bond with their parent or carer, matched with an understanding of appropriate behaviour can help a child socially.

These children are disciplined through positive reinforcement and encouragement, being given the space to find out who they are. Their good behaviour is driven by a strong sense of personal identity instead of by fear.

There is also evidence that children raised by authoritative parents are more emotionally regulated and have better problem-solving abilities.

What parenting style is best?

Experts agree that the authoritative parenting style leads to the best outcomes for children. However, it requires a lot of time and patience. At times, most of us will use different parenting styles, as it is rare to parent exclusively one way.

At the heart of it, children who is secure in their attachment with their parent and are raised in a safe environment with parents who love them enough to discipline them they will thrive.

Children also learn a lot from examples. If they are surrounded by people with healthy attitudes and habits, then they are likely to adopt the same behaviours.

Final note

Although all of the parenting styles have benefits, the balance between a loving and warm connection and high expectations that is offered by authoritative parents can give children a foundation of security and motivation from which to excel.

The difference between peaceful and passive parenting is often blurred. This hazy line means peaceful parenting has become associated with parents watching with besotted smiles as their little whirlwind whips around, creating unchecked havoc.

The truth is that peaceful parenting does not mean being passive and waiting for inappropriate behaviour to correct itself. It also does not mean allowing your child’s whims to rule the family. Peaceful parenting is active and engaged.

Peaceful parenting is not always Peaceful

As a peaceful parent, you will try to bring peace to situations. Your child will sometimes bring the storm as they battle against rules and expectations. The temptation may be to avoid messy moments by avoiding the battles. After all, battles have two sides. If you, as a parent, don’t set rules or have expectations of behaviour, there will be nothing for them to rage against. This is passive parenting, and it does not bring peace. Rather, passive and uninvolved parenting leads to children who feel ungrounded and insecure. Without clear boundaries, children are more likely to behave erratically.

If you want to parent in a way that promotes peace, you will have to say “no” at times. You may also need to correct inappropriate behaviours or remove your children from situations they are unable to handle.

However calmly you discipline your child, there will be times when they will fight against you. Young children have not yet learnt emotional regulation, delayed gratification or impulse control. This means they sometimes struggle to accept not getting their own way.

You can be gentle but still firm

The difference between passive and peaceful parenting is often in the motive and delivery rather than the substance.

An authoritarian parent and a peaceful parent will teach the same lessons. Authoritarian parents, however, will teach through commands and punishments. They are also less likely to connect or display empathy for their children.

Authoritarian parents aim for children who will obey and who are afraid to step out of line.

As a peaceful parent, you can still hold your child to high standards, however, you do so with kindness. You teach them through connection. Your children will know they are loved, even if they make mistakes. Peaceful parenting aims to empower children to make good choices

Consequences vs Punishments

At times, as you peacefully parent your child, you will need to teach through consequences.

Authoritarian parents believe that punishments are the only way to teach a child that actions have consequences. On the other hand, passive parents will look for the easiest way out of a situation, and if that means helping a child avoid the consequences of their actions, so be it. So, is there a middle ground?

In looking at consequences and punishments, it is important to understand that they are not the same thing. For a more in-depth look at the differences, check out this post.

At the heart of it, punishments are punitive and dealt out with the aim of making a child pay through hardship for what they did wrong. An example would be if a child said something unkind and then had a favourite toy taken away for being naughty.

Although punishments are consequences, not all consequences are punishments.

If a child is struggling to play nicely with other children at a park, the natural consequence would be for that child to be removed from the situation and taken home. This is not done in the spirit of punishing the child. Rather, it is an acknowledgement that they are not currently able to behave in a way that is appropriate for being at the park. Therefore, the right thing to do is to go home and try another day.

Positive consequences

Positive consequences are consequences that you can actively enforce to support better behaviour.

If your child is struggling to behave well, make the right choices or control their emotions, chances are something needs to change. Perhaps a change in sleep, amount of time on screen or diet could help. Like adults, these things can affect children both physically and emotionally. The changes that you need to make, such as earlier nights, less sugar for a few days or a break from screen time, may feel like punishments to your child. There is, however, a crucial difference. You are not looking for what repercussion would be the most unpleasant for your child, to compel them through fear not to err again. Instead, you are implementing measures that you know will help your child to thrive.

A positive consequence may not always be related to physical well-being. It may be that there are skills that your child needs to learn.

A child struggling to walk sensibly in the street can be made to hold a parent’s hand while they practise walking calmly and paying attention to their surroundings. The consequence offers a chance for them to practise important skills before they are allowed freedom.

You can be gentle and responsible

When you are disciplining as a gentle parent, another area that you should not be passive is that of responsibility.

There is a lot of talk nowadays about child-led parenting. While we should look for and account for their needs, children should not be given full parental responsibility.

Children have a lot of learning to do, and are not yet mature or developed enough to be able to make all of their own decisions. Sure, in time, if we leave them alone and let them have what they want, maybe they will learn what hurts them and avoid those things. They will suffer a lot of hurt along the way, however.

You are the adult. You should decide things like bedtimes and what gets cooked for dinner.

As your child grows, you can allow them to make choices that are appropriate for their age. There will be many opportunities to teach your child responsibility whilst keeping them healthy and safe.

Responsilibility and Privilidge

As your children age and develop, it is right that they acquire certain privileges. They must also learn that privileges come with responsibility. If they cannot handle the responsibility, then remove the privilege. Try it again later when you feel that they are ready.

Most privileges are paired with responsibilities. For example, understanding a child who is allowed to watch the screen, should turn it off when asked, and follow rules about what channels they are allowed on, or what games they can play. If your child is allowed to play in the neighbour’s garden, they should play nicely and come to you when called. Perhaps you let them use the grown-up felt tips, but only at the table, using an art mat.

You might give and take away privileges a few times. Learning responsibility is difficult, and it takes time.

A Final Note

Peaceful parenting is not passive. It is engaged, and active as you look for ways to support, discipline and connect with your child.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

The importance of parenting by example is often denied in the tongue-in-cheek adage, ‘ Do as I say, not as I do.”

Of course, this never works.  Children are social learners. They copy the behaviour they see demonstrated,  rather than follow verbal instructions.

As a parent, this can be hard to watch.  It may feel like your children’s behaviour is a mirror, reflecting all of you.  The good and the bad, from behavioural habits to vocal tics.

Children are observational learners

There are multiple theories exploring how children learn.  Social learning theory highlights the important role that observation of other people plays in a child’s learning journey.

It isn’t always obvious that your children are watching you.  The truth is, they are often more tuned in than they appear to be.   Therefore, your behaviours and attitudes can shape how your children interact with others and the world around them.

This observation is not a passive process.   As children watch, they are cognitively engaged.   They won’t only see the behaviours that those around them exhibit, but also the consequences of those behaviours.   They will then make certain conclusions about which behaviours are both socially acceptable and beneficial.

It is worth noting that children do not learn from everyone equally.  They are more likely to mimic the behaviours of those they already love and trust, over the behaviours of strangers. This means that one of the most powerful parenting tools is example.

If children learn through observation, it follows that your behaviour is a model for them.  This can feel like a lot of pressure.   After all, parents are imperfect people trying their best. Often, you will be sleep-deprived and working against a never-ending litany of demands. 

However hard you try, you will probably never get everything completely right. If you could, you would not be human.   The good news is that you don’t need to be perfect to be a good teacher.   Your children will also struggle to get things right. Frankly, if you never made mistakes, it would be completely demoralising for them.   They need to learn how to deal with failure and to act when they mess up, which they will do.

Therefore, you do not need to be perfect. Rather, you should strive to demonstrate how to handle not being perfect, whilst still trying to be good.

If you model nothing else, let’s model kindness

There are a lot of important lessons you will want to teach our children as they grow.  The most important, however, is kindness. 

When I say kindness, I am not talking about the self-deprecating kindness where you try to grind yourself into nothing to appease the whims of everyone around you.

Kindness to others should be paired and balanced with self-kindness. To believe people are worth love and respect despite their flaws, mishaps and errors in judgment, you must be able to measure yourself by the same standard.

Instead, many of us self-impose impossible standards. You may struggle to believe that you are worth anything if you fall short.

When it comes to kindness versus impossible standards, our children will learn from us.  So do not aspire to be perfect, aspire to be kind. You can still try your best, but accept failure with grace.  Do things for the joy of doing them, rather than to prove yourself.  

How to model boundaries

Kindness is important. Boundaries are important, too. Throughout our parenting, you should demonstrate examples of how to advocate for your own autonomy and space when needed. When they see you using the word ‘no’ with confidence and ease, your children will learn to use it, too.

How to correct your children in things you struggle with yourself?

It can feel hypocritical to correct your child’s behaviour, knowing that you struggle with the same flaw.

Perhaps you are a fussy eater, but want your children to try new foods.  You may find it hard to control your temper, but understand the importance of teaching calm conflict resolution.   Despite the importance of limiting screen time for little ones, mobile phone addiction amongst parents is rife.   These are just a few examples. It is not unusual to fall short of the standards you would like to impart to our children.   So, what is an imperfect parent to do?

How to handle not being perfect?

Your imperfections offer an opportunity to teach our children about growth. Especially with children who are old enough to be aware and have conversations about healthy habits.

It is important, however, to model pragmatism, not self-loathing or pity.

Say things like:

“I am going to try and eat more healthy foods so I can have more energy.”

Rather than:

“I’ve eaten junk the last few days. Now I feel gross. I am such a pig.”

As with many things in life, it is important to strike a balance.   Understanding our flaws and wanting to improve on them is great.  At times, you will fail, and that is okay.

There are a plethora of resources out there that can help us improve any area of our lives. Before you do this, however, you need to understand why you want to make the changes. Also, what will the improvement look like for you?

The “What” and the “Why”

In order to teach our children through our growth, you need to understand the “What” and “Why”.

Understanding the “Why” can help motivate us, but it can also define the “What”. That is, the measures that you take to implement the change. For example, if you want to eat better for energy, you will make different choices than you would to lose weight.

When you understand your motivation, you can plan how to move forward. Having a specific plan makes it easier to implement.

Saying you will be on your mobile phone less is hard to quantify. Instead, setting certain hours when your phone is on the side will make a real difference. Controlling your temper is noble. It is also hard to do without a plan for when you feel our blood start to boil.

So, you should know why you are choosing healthy behaviours. You should be clear on what those behaviours will look like in the day-to-day. This will help your children learn alongside you.

Final Note

Parenting by example does not mean that you need be perfect. At it’s heart it is making choices that are beneficial for our own health and well-being so that our children can learn to make healthy choices too.

Self-care is an important part of parenting by example, so remember to treat yourself with the same amount of kindness that you offer your children.

Refererences

Cherry, Kendra. “How Observational Learning Affects Behavior.” Verywell Mind, 27 Jan. 2025, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-observational-learning-2795402.

Mcleod, Saul. “Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory in Psychology.” Simply Psychology, 1 Feb. 2024, www.simplypsychology.org/bandura.html#What-is-Social-Learning-Theory.