When you teach your child about hygiene, you will probably find that the challenge isn’t showing them how to stay clean. Children are smart, and understand from an early age how teeth brushing, hand soap, and showers work.

The main problem you are likely to encounter is how to teach your child the importance of hygiene. They might know how to shower, or bathe, but they showered already this month, so do they really need to do it again?

Even more so, if you can convince them that being clean is good, motivating them to engage regularly in daily hygiene tasks can be difficult. Knowing how to use a toothbrush is great. Few children race remember every morning and evening.

Why do children avoid basic hygiene tasks?

Most adults like to be clean. Even more so, we don’t want to smell bad. It can be hard to understand how children are so lackadaisical about washing.

So why doesn’t your child like hygiene tasks, and can you teach them to enjoy caring for their bodies?

There are many reasons that children may avoid hygiene tasks. Sometimes it could be related to sensory dislikes, such as not liking the taste of toothpaste, or how cold the bathroom is when they undress for a shower. Often, however, it is just that there are more exciting things to do. There are games to play or pictures to draw. Washing their hands or taking a shower might seem like a chore.

Motivation to stay clean

Adults have a variety of reasons to stay clean. We understand the social ramifications of leaving the house when we are stinky or have dirty clothes. Some of us know people who have lost teeth due to poor oral care, so we have learnt, through observation, the importance of brushing our teeth. We also are good at forward thinking. We know how nice it feels to have just had a shower, or how yucky it feels to wake up in the morning if you haven’t brushed your teeth the night before.

Understanding of socially accepted behaviour, consequences for actions, and logical forward thinking are not skills that your child will have fully developed yet. This means that we need to help them to find the motivation to stay clean.

Reward-based learning

You can encourage this motivation by using rewards-based learning. The great news is your child’s brain is set up to learn this way.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean they get a prize every time they wash their hands. Rather, it is helping them find pleasure in the activity itself. If a child enjoys an activity, or finds pleasure in an act, or the outcome of an act, the brain will release dopamine. Dopamine helps your child’s brain to associate the action with a good feeling. This can help to motivate them to repeat the action. The neurological system in the brain that regulates this reward response is called the mesolimbic system. It can be used to help teach your child motivation for good hygiene.

The problem is that it relies on the child enjoying the hygiene tasks. Often they don’t. On their own, things like washing hands, brushing teeth and washing their face can be boring. To use the mesolimbic system, we need to get creative and add a little fun.

How to teach your child hygiene through fun

If you make hygiene tasks fun in themselves, it will be easier to motivate your child. Of course, there are things that they will have to do, that are not fun at all. This doesn’t mean your child only does things that they enjoy. However, if there is a fun way of doing something, embrace it.

Here are a few ideas:

• Put on a favourite song during shower time, and see if your child can wash their body and hair before the song is up.
• When they are changing for a bath or shower, put the laundry basket just outside the bathroom and challenge them to throw their clothes into the basket.
• Put a 30-second timer on while they are washing their hands, and see how many different animals they can list before the time is up.
• Make teeth brushing part of a silly challenge. You could have a buzzer or silly noise you play on your phone. When it goes, the children have to race to do 3 challenges. For example, brush their teeth for two minutes, do 3 star jumps and finish by picking up toys off their bedroom floor. Just a note on this one, racing against each other might end up in fights. It is often simpler to race children against the clock.

Stack Habits with fun

Some tasks your child will not enjoy, however creative you get with them. You can still use fun or pleasure to instill these habits, but you may have to stack them.

Perhaps your child hates showers. You have tried music, games, and many other things. Nothing will change their mind. If you can’t make the shower fun or pleasurable, stack the habit of the shower with a fun reward after. It could be that you heat a towel on a radiator and as soon as they are out you wrap them up and read them a story while they dry. Maybe they don’t like washing their hands, but you let them use nice hand lotion after.

In time, the understanding that the disliked task will become associated with the reward they get from completing it, and they may find it easier to tolerate.

How to teach your child independence with hygiene

Independence in a child is linked with better mental health, increased confidence and motivation. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, to begin with, giving little ones independence is also slower and messier. It takes time for children to be able to perform hygiene tasks on their own, but with a little patience, they will get there.

Teach your child independent hygiene through scaffolding

There are things that your child can do independently, things that they can do with support and other things they can’t fathom being able to do yet. Scaffold learning is about bridging that gap by working in the zone of proximal development, a fancy way of saying working on things that they can do with support.

https://trainingexpress.org.uk/personal-hygiene-for-kids/To teach your child hygiene through scaffolding, look for little things that they might be able to do with your help. Then start by talking to them while you do the task, narrating what you are doing and why. It might be how you squeeze the right amount of toothpaste onto the brush, or why you are checking if their clothes are clean before they leave the house. Then let them have a go with you by their side. In time they will have that new skill under their belt, and you can move onto a new one. Here are some basic hygiene skills that you can teach to your child.

They will probably need support at the start, and things that are obvious to you won’t be to them.

Remember to aim for progress and not perfection. Be realistic about the fact that it will be messy for a little bit while they learn, and that is okay.

Teach your child hygiene through routine

Routines are fantastic for children. They give a child predictability, but also independence. Children understand what they are expected to do, and when they are expected to do it.. This means that they can do what they need to do, with confidence.

Of course, you don’t need to regiment your whole day. Instead, create pockets of routines for specific times. Wake up routines, and bedtime routines are great ones to add, as well as things like routines for leaving the house, or for before meals.

When you are building routines, keep them simple, and easy to remember.

Offer choice

As adults we often have preferences in regards to soaps, lotions, toothpastes and so on. Where possible, offer your child a choice too. This can help them feel involved, and therefore more motivated in the process. With so many hygiene products on the market it may be easier to ask them to choose between two or three scents, or products so your child isn’t overwhelmed.

You can also offer other choices, such as bath or shower. If they choose bath, do they want bubbles, toys or both.

Children have very little control or agency over their lives. You can’t ever give them complete control. You need to ensure that they are healthy, safe and clean. There is room within those parameters, however, to give them choice.

If your child has a sense of control, they are more likely to engage, thrive and succeed. This an outcome I am sure that you want.

A Final note

Although children don’t naturally crave hygiene, with support they can be taught the how, and the why, of looking after their bodies and staying clean.

It will be frustrating at times. Hang in there. The messy moments will pass. Be patient with them, and have a little fun along the way.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“America’s ToothFairy – 8 Tips and Tricks to Make Brushing Teeth Fun.” Americastoothfairy.org, 2024, www.americastoothfairy.org/news/8-tips-and-tricks-to-make-brushing-teeth-fun. Accessed 12 Mar. 2025.

Arnall, Judy. “When Do Children Understand “Consequences?”” Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, 18 Feb. 2019, judyarnall.com/2019/02/18/when-do-children-understand-consequences/.

Cerino, Anna. “The Importance of Recognising and Promoting Independence in Young Children: The Role of the Environment and the Danish Forest School Approach.” Education 3-13, vol. 51, no. 4, 8 Nov. 2021, pp. 685–694, www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468, https://doi.org/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468.

Hämmerer, Dorothea, and Ben Eppinger. “Dopaminergic and Prefrontal Contributions to Reward-Based Learning and Outcome Monitoring during Child Development and Aging.” Development Psychology, vol. 48, no. 3, 2012, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027342. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Health Direct. “Personal Hygiene for Children.” Healthdirect.gov.au, Healthdirect Australia, 2019, www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene-for-children.

“Hygiene for Toddlers and Children.” Www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/hygiene-for-toddlers-and-children/.

Levine, Alexandra, and Laura Philips. “How to Build Independence in Preschoolers.” Child Mind Institute, 2022, childmind.org/article/how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/.

Lewis, Robert G., et al. “The Brain’s Reward System in Health and Disease.” Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, vol. 1344, no. 1344, 2021, pp. 57–69, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-81147-1_4.

Mitton, Betty L., and Dale B. Harris. “The Development of Responsibility in Children.” The Elementary School Journal, vol. 54, no. 5, Jan. 1954, pp. 268–277, https://doi.org/10.1086/458585.

NHS. “Hygiene.” Cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, 2024, cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/.

Parents League of New York. “Children Need a Sense of Control.” Parents League of New York, 31 Mar. 2020, www.parentsleague.org/blog/children-need-sense-control.

“Why We Should Give Kids More Control over Their Lives and How to Do It.” Www.debbieausburn.com, www.debbieausburn.com/post/why-we-should-give-kids-more-control-over-their-lives-and-how-to-do-it.

Willard, Dr Marcy. “Hygiene in Childhood – Marcy Willard PhD.” Marcy Willard PhD, 25 Oct. 2024, marcywillardphd.com/hygiene-in-childhood/.

Today we will be examining if children can understand the difference between lies and their imagination. If they do, from what age?

We all want our little ones to be truthful. It is important, however, to ensure that our expectations match their development. So let’s look at what cognitive developments may be in play?

The difference between reality and imagination

Before we ask if children understand the difference between lies and imagination, we need to ask if they understand the difference between reality and imagination. This is important, because if a child does not know that what they are saying is not factual, it follows that they are not intentionally lying.

Evidence shows that a child’s perception of reality versus fantasy develops significantly throughout the preschool years and is solidified during their school years.

At the age of two, the line between reality and fantasy is blurry. Toddlers love to pretend play. A stick can be a sword, or a stone a precious gem. Woe to the parent who tries to correct them.

From age three, a child’s understanding of reality is developing, so they will be able to understand more often, what is true and what is pretend. This distinction is not set, however, and they may still get confused at times. Their ability to differentiate fact from fiction will grow as they do.

By the age seven a child is said to enter the logical stage. Of course, not everything a seven-year-old does is logical, which is part of the fun. They can however begin to use logic to work things out, so will develop a clearer understanding of reality.

So to sum up, although an older child can tell the difference between reality and fiction, a younger child may struggle. This can be seen when a young child has a disproportionate response to a television show or book. The stories have become real to them.

How children understand reality

Young children are learning all the time. Facts that we take for granted are revelations to them. They aren’t born knowing things, like that a candle flame is hot. We know it, but left unattended a toddler might come to know this fact the hard way.

As they acquire new information they then try and make sense of it in light of what they already know. So if your little one touches a flame and gets hurt, they may connect that with the fact that they have already learnt, that hurting people is mean. The logical conclusion may then be that the candle is mean.

As well as sometimes making false connections, young children have not yet developed all the skills needed to understand other peoples perspectives and intentions. An example of this is if a friend breaks a favourite toy of theirs. A young child will not ask if it was intentional or accidental. The understanding that intent and desire guide other peoples actions does increase significantly throughout the preschool years, but the ability to fully understand the complexities of other perspectives is something that is still developing into adulthood.

Emotions also play a role in how children understand the world. Children have not yet developed the understanding to be able to adopt a balanced and nuanced view of situations or events. This means that a child’s emotions, combined with their simplistic perception can make them see things in black and white.

Black and White

You may see evidence of this black and white thinking, if your little one had a mishap on an otherwise lovely day out. Perhaps you’ve taken them to the park, they have played with their friends and got treated to an ice cream. Then, in the last five minutes they tripped over and hurt their knee. Up until that moment, they likely thought it was a lovely day. However, the big emotions that hit them when they fell over completely changed their perception of the entire outing. Suddenly, their focus has shifted. The afternoon has been a disaster, and for evidence, they will look back and notice every negative thing that had not bothered them before.

Of course, sometimes it works the other way, and the fun of a situation can override the bad, so that a child will see an afternoon as all positive even if there are moments they didn’t enjoy. This is not absolute, and there are times when young children do see the good and the bad together, but on the whole nuance is something children take a while to acquire.

So, in summary, children’s understanding of reality is something that develops along with them. Imagination can actually help a child to understand the reality around them and fill in the gaps.

Do children understand the difference between lies and imagination

Children as young as three will have a grasp of the concept of lying. It is not uncommon for little ones to lie to try to avoid being in trouble or to get something that they want.

Are there times, however, when children tell lies based on their imagination because they don’t understand the difference? Absolutely. As we have discussed, children’s views of reality can be muddy, and confused with fantasy or daydreaming..

Even when children understand reality, they may find their imaginary world more fun. This does not mean that they are maliciously telling lies. When you hear their tales of the secret bunny who comes and messes up their room while they sleep, or the backflip they did when you weren’t looking, the stories may seem silly. Silliness is part of the fun of children, and it will pass too soon. Do they know that they left the jigsaw pieces all over the floor, not the secret bunny? On some level, of course they do, but the world where a secret bunny is the mischief maker is more exciting.

A blurry line

The line between lies and imagination is not a clear one with little children. In the end it is about intent. Are they trying to hide something for their personal benefit or are they just having fun exploring the world of fantasy? Do they truly misunderstand?

As our little ones grow, they will have a clearer concept of the truth. By the time they are around six years old, they will have a much clearer idea of what reality is. Until then, you can enjoy your little one’s fantasies. Join their world and share the fun. Maybe you could get them to make a sign to remind the secret bunny to be kind and put away toys, because your little one will have to put away any that bunny leaves out. Ask them to draw a picture of the backflip and how their feet “literally touched the ceiling”.

How to help your child tell the truth

Although, there is no harm in your little ones imaginations superseding reality at times, there will also be times where the truth is important.

Help them fact find

As we discussed earlier, sometimes children tell lies because they don’t fully understand reality. Helping the to weigh up what they actually know can be a great learning tool for them.

Spend time discussing the difference between what they know for certain, and what they think they know. Then explore all the possibilities that may be true. You can help them examine different perspectives.

Something that little children are likely to assume is intent. You might hear phrases like, “He knocked over my milk on purpose to be mean!”

You know that the milk spill was a mistake. It does not mean that your child is lying, however. They may truly believe they are the victim of a spill and run with intent. So it is worth helping them examine facts versus assumptions.

Their brothers arm hit the glass of milk and it fell off the table. That much is fact.

That he wanted to spill the milk, is a guess. Can they remember times when they knocked things over by mistake? Did they notice that their brother always moves his arms when he talks? Did they notice that he was looking the other way when the accident happened? How would they feel if they had made a mistake and someone had decided they had meant to do it?

All these questions can help them explore the situation pragmatically, and develop their perception of reality.

Make it easy to be honest

When our children are little the lies that they tell will be usually harmless.

“I didn’t spill my juice. My brother knocked it over.”

“Mummy likes us to have pudding first.”

“Pudding first was Grandmas idea.”

When they are older however, and are facing bigger issues, telling the truth can be much more important. Therefore, if you set the standard early, that honesty will be met with kindness you can create a culture where your children can come to you when they have messed up.

We have a rule in our home. If our children mess up, and tell us honestly what they have done, we will get alongside them and help them fix it. This doesn’t mean that they avoid the consequences of their actions, but we help them navigate the consequences and come out stronger. It means choosing discipline over punishment.

It does not mean that children can get a free pass. If they have made wrong choices they have to make things right again. However, they should never be scared of us.

An example of this could be, your youngest child was saving a cupcake and it magically disappeared. You know it wasn’t magic, especially because your oldest child has blue icing on their cheek.

If they are honest, and you shout at them, guilt them, give them a big punishment, and then spend the week telling your friends over tea at playdates what a little pain in the bum they are there is a strong chance they will not choose to tell the truth again.

Instead, talk to them about how their actions affected their sister and ask them to bake more cakes or use their money to replace the one they stole It would be entirely appropriate to ban screen time or treats until they have fixed this so that they understand it is a priority. Once they have apologised, fixed it, and you know they understand to make better choices in the future, move on.

Role play to increase empathy

Empathy is a skill that is developed throughout childhood, and is therefore usually underdeveloped in little children. Sometimes they may tell a lie because it benefits them, and will not consider how the lie affects other people.

When I was a little girl, about seven years old, I cut my hand playing with scissors. I wasn’t allowed to play with scissors and knew that I would be in trouble, but I couldn’t hide the blood. So, I told my mum that my brother had been playing with scissors and had hurt me. Of course, my brother got a rollicking, and I got sympathy.

You will be glad to know that my conscience got the best of me and I confessed. I confessed to both my brother and mum over a bottle of wine when I was about 27, but still, I did the right thing eventually.

Looking back, it must have been horrid for my brother. He was minding his own business, not even thinking about scissors when he got all the wrath that my actions had incurred.

If you catch your little one telling lies at other people’s expense, get them to take a few minutes sitting and pretending to be the person who was hurt by the lie. Please don’t just leave them there feeling bad though. Sit with them after and talk about the right choices that they can make to fix anything that needs fixing.

Give them the space and time to make the right choice

When children feel threatened or scared, they often make easier choices rather than right choices. They act on impulse, and for survival. This is because, when a child is threatened or scared, the downstairs brain will be in control.

If you are unfamiliar with the concept of the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is an article which describes it in more detail. The basis is that the downstairs brain is the first to develop, and is instinctive, initiating the fight or flight response when threatened. If a child goes into fight or flight, the upstairs brain is no longer in control. This is a problem because the upstairs brain controls skills like empathy, reasoning, and logic, which your child needs to make good choices.

If you catch your child in a lie, and stand over them demanding they tell you the truth right then and there, or else, then the downstairs brain will kick in. Sometimes it may be worth letting your child know that you are aware of the truth, and ask them to come and talk to you by the end of the day. Make sure that there are times to talk with no one else around. As an adult, if we make a mistake or a wrong choice, we have the privacy and space to work it out privately, or one-on-one with anyone else involved. Children deserve this too.

A final note

Although young children do not always understand the difference between lies and imagination, they will do soon enough, so enjoy the days when their world may be a little more whimsical.

Older children do know the difference, but it is still not uncommon for them to lie. When they do, stay calm and kind. Lying is a stage most children go through. If we handle it right, hopefully they will feel safe telling us the truth when they are older and make mistakes.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

Knowing how to survive tantrums or meltdowns can be invaluable throughout your child’s early years.

If you have a child over one you will probably have experienced the drama and emotional distress that comes when your sweet child transfers into a mini hulk.

Of course, if one happens at home it’s hard. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be out in public when meltdowns or tantrums come, though you know you will survive, it can be mortifying.

Tantrums and meltdowns are never fun. We can more than survive, however. In the messy moments, we can connect with our children and help them thrive.

The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Many people use the words tantrum and meltdown interchangeably. Are they the same thing?

There is no clinical definition of either a tantrum or meltdown, although many agree on differences.

For simplicity, throughout this post, when I talk about a meltdown it is when your child has lost all control. When I speak about tantrums, they still can act with purpose, although they may need support with emotional regulation. (Nannery and Nannery, 2021)

One small note. There is sometimes the assumption that only children who are neurodivergent can have meltdowns. Meltdowns can indeed be more regular and intense for neurodivergent children. However, neurotypical children and adults can also have meltdowns.

Now we have looked at the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, lets discuss how to survive them.

How to survive tantrums and meltdowns

There are steps you can take to make tantrums and meltdowns less painful for both you and child.

Step 1. Before it begins

The best cure for most things is prevention. Unfortunately, children have big emotions they which they cannot always understand or control.

Once a child turns five, they can begin to regulate some of their emotions. As with adults, if they are hungry, tired or just overwhelmed this might be hard. (Rouse, 2016)

Younger children will have less emotional control. They are also less advanced in speech and communication. Therefore they may struggle to let adults know what they want or need. (Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2019)

You cannot stop all tantrums and meltdowns. Yet you may be able to avoid some by understanding your child and predicting their needs.

Hunger and Tiredness

I will be the first to admit that when I am hungry or tired I can be cranky. I don’t think I am the adult for whom that is true. It is even more true for children.

Ensuring that your child has enough sleep can help limit tantrums and meltdowns. Keeping regular mealtimes, and carrying snacks for between meals is also important.

Unpredictability and lack of control

As adults, we are likely to enter most days with some sort of idea of what will happen. Throughout the day we have freedom in what we do, where we go etc. Children often don’t have the same luxury.

Even if we tell our children plans ahead of time, their perception of time is still developing and they might not understand or remember what is happening when. They will also have limited control over many of the happenings. As adults, this would be hard to handle. It is understandable why sometimes children struggle.

There are things that you can do to help. Picture boards showing children the order of the day can help them orientate themselves. Keep talking about what is next as this is a concept that they will understand at a younger age, rather than ‘this evening’, or ‘tomorrow lunchtime.”

Interactive routine charts are a great tool. They help engage the child and give them an element of control. Sometimes, letting them make little choices can also help.

Disconnection

Connection is a human need. There is a growing amount of research proofing that are biological built to socialise and connect with other humans. (Braren, 2023) This means that connecting with your child throughout the day is imperative.

Modern life is busy. We often rush from place to place, tackling to-do lists and other people’s demands. In quieter moments, the temptation to bury our heads in our phones is sometimes too great to resist.

Throughout this, our children are carried from place to place. They may feel like they are an additional burden that we are trying to manage. A little connection can go a long way.

Children love to help. Try giving them a job alongside you. This can involve them and help them feel part of what is happening. It might be something little. If you are running errands, ask them to tick the errands off as you complete them. If you are cleaning they can wipe skirtings or window sills.

It is hard, but try to make time, away from the busyness, to be with your children. No phones. No distractions. You and them

If children have a strong bond with their grown-ups, it can help them to understand and learn to control their emotions. (Department for Education, 2022) Hopefully that will mean less meltdowns.

They struggle to handle ‘no’

The part of a child’s brain which handles things, like impulse control, delayed gratification and critical thinking is often called the ‘upstairs brain.’ It is not fully developed until the 20’s. Adults, with our fully developed brains, don’t like to hear ‘no’. It is no wonder that children struggle. If you want to read more about the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is a great article.

So should we give children everything that they ask for? Definitely not. We can, however, offer the word ‘no,’ with empathy and perspective.

Empathy can be shown with phrases like, ‘I know you are frustrated that you can’t play longer,’ or ‘I know you are disappointed that you can’t have cake.’ This helps your child to feel seen, and also shows them how to label and understand their emotions.

Perspective can also help. Children live in the now. If they are told ‘no’ it might feel like ‘no’ is forever. It can help to reword a ‘no’ to a ‘not yet.’ For example, ‘We can’t buy that cake today. Would you like it next month as your birthday cake?’ Or, ‘We aren’t buying toys today. Do you want me to take a photo of that, and you can save up your pocket money to come back?

Of course, sometimes ‘no’ just means ‘no.’ In time, with help, our children will learn to handle them.

Other reasons

Many other factors can also be in play. Pay attention to if your child has a tantrum or meltdown during specific times or in specific locations. Look for what might be causing it. If your child can talk, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. (“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?”, 2024)

Step 2. What’s that coming over the hill?

Your child may go from sweet and kind to a full-on rage monster in a flash. You will not always see a tantrum or a meltdown coming.

Step one will not always work, as you cannot prevent all tantrums and meltdowns. This step, may not work either. Sometimes you cannot predict a messy moment.

If you can, however, acting preemptively will help you to survive the tantrums or meltdowns when they arrive.

Perhaps you are in a grocery store, and your child is begging for a treat. You notice their repetitive demands are getting louder and more emotive. A tantrum is coming.

You could stop it by giving in and buying them the treat. This is the easy way out. One I am sure we have all taken. I know that I have. It is not the best way. Children should not get their way by throwing tantrums. They need to learn to solve problems and communicate without screaming or crying.

So, you may need to weather the tantrum. If you see one coming heed the signs.

If you want to survive tantrums and meltdowns with minimal damage, you need to prepare.

Firstly, take steps to ensure you can give your child your full attention. If you are out of the house, this may mean excusing yourself from a conversation or stashing your shopping cart to the side. At home, it could be ensuring siblings are occupied and safe, or switching a pan off if you are in the middle of cooking.

In a crowded place, find somewhere quiet. Tantrums and meltdowns are easier, and pass faster, if you do not have an audience.

Step 3. Bring your calm to the storm

When the tantrum or meltdown starts, there is very little that you can do to stop it. Those big feelings are there and need to be let out.

Let your child tell you what is wrong, and continue gently enforcing those boundaries. For some children, labelling how they feel may help. Hold strong.

The hardest part during this step is acceptance. No one wants to sit for ten minutes with an angry child who doesn’t want to put on the school uniform. I promise you, however, that taking the time to sit with your little one will get you out the door a lot faster than trying to wrestle clothes onto their squirming body and then carrying them kicking and screaming down the road.

During this time, if we are calm it will help our little one find calm too.

What if I don’t have time?

When children are young, it helps to leave ten minutes of grace time for moments like this. Sometimes you may be late. Take a big breath. It will not be the end of the world. When this is over you will be able to handle the aftermath.

So I just sit there? Isn’t there anything I can do or say to make it go faster?

In their messiest moments, children care often unable to listen to reason.

We spoke a bit earlier about the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is impulsive, reactive and in control of fight or flight.

When a child is angry or scared, a part of the brain called the ‘amygdala’ gives full control to the downstairs brain. In the days of our ancestors, this would have been important for survival. The downstairs brain is faster and geared to self-preservation. Unfortunately, it means your child can’t engage in pragmatic dialogue until the upper brain is back in control. (Mine Conkbayir, 2023)

So, a lot of this time is waiting. Use non-aggressive body language and ensure your child doesn’t hurt anyone or break anything. Hold your peace, and know that this messy moment will pass.

Don’t yell

Tantrums are hard on parents. It is natural to feel angry and frustrated. This frustration leads some parents to try to yell their children into submission.

Unfortunately, yelling at a child will increase their stress and fear, keeping them in fight or flight mode.

If you need to, walking away is always a better option than yelling.

A little hack

If child’s upper brain isn’t kick in, there are things that you can do to help.

It is unlikely that in the middle of a messy moment, you will get your child to talk about the situation they are raging against. They may, however, engage on other topics.

Ask them what they remember from a story they know, facts about an animal. If they are old enough to do basic maths, say a sum wrong and let them correct you. The upper brain is needed for reasoning or remembering tasks, and it may well help it to take the lead again.

Once you have their upstairs brains back engaged, you may be able to talk calmly about the situation at hand.

Step 4. Coming back together

When the raging is finished you can start to connect again with your child.

This is the point where you can talk to them, and help them understand appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Keep any lessons short and move on.

Giving something is not giving in

Sometimes little things can help a child feel seen. There are often creative ways that you can help a little one feel that their needs are being met.

For example, if they are angry that they have to go to school, suggest doing something fun together at the weekend. Maybe they want a toy, and you can come up with a way for them to do chores to earn money to buy it. For those who are reluctant to don their school uniform, they may enjoy choosing clothes to wear when they get back home.

Being little is hard. Our children have so much to learn and many things are out of their control. A little kindness is never a bad idea.

Step 5. Moving forwards

Should you punish a tantrum?

I have heard the argument, ‘If you don’t punish a tantrum, they will keep doing it.’ I don’t believe that is true. Most children will not find throwing a tantrum pleasant or dignifying. A meltdown even less so. They are likely to come out feeling embarrassed and a little shaken.

Furthermore, these big feelings are often out of your child’s control.

I do not advocate punishing a tantrum. If, however, throughout the tantrum, your child has made a mess, they can tidy it. If they have hurt someone or broken something it is right that they make amends.

Positive consequences

The lessons that we teach our little ones throughout their childhood are likely to form how they face life as adults.

Therefore, a good measure when looking at the consequences we give, is ‘Would I want them to do this to themselves when they are grown up.’

For example, if your best friend said she had messed up and so wasn’t going on the spa day she had booked, because she didn’t deserve it you would think she was crazy.

If however, the same friend realised that she had been over-emotional recently and decided to have some early nights and try to watch her sugar, you would likely commend her.

Punishment for the sake of punishment will not benefit your child. When you discipline your child try to think about if you are hurting them or helping them. For example, if your child is struggling to control their emotions things like limiting screen so they spend more time connecting with family, limiting sugar and prioritising sleep are all things that can help. It is, of course, unlikely that your child will love any of these initiatives. They may view them as punishments. You will know, however, that you are acting in your child’s best interest. For more about the difference between punishment and discipline check out this article.

A final note

Whilst tantrums and meltdowns are not pleasant, you will survive. As your child grows they will likely learn how to control those big emotions, and there will be less messy moments.

Until then, remember that if you want to be a place of calm for your little one, it is imperative to look after yourself.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Braren, Stephen. “The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need.” Social Creatures, 24 May 2023, www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Department for Education. “Help for Early Years Providers : Emotions.” Help-For-Early-Years-Providers.education.gov.uk, 6 Sept. 2022, help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/areas-of-learning/personal-social-and-emotional-development/emotions. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Go, Kids That. “The Upstairs and Downstairs of the Brain: Part One – Kids That Go.” Kids That Go, 8 May 2020, kidsthatgo.com/upstairs-and-downstairs-brain-part-one/?srsltid=AfmBOorPMktgYr-YqBX14Sbd7w2WFroEI2H0SWbZ9hHN3s5Rcjnd-pR_. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Jones, Gareth. “Tantrum or Autism Meltdown?” Experia, 3 Aug. 2023, www.experia.co.uk/blog/7-differences-between-tantrums-and-autism-meltdowns/.

“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z3g3cxs. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Miller, Caroline. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Mine Conkbayir. “Neuroscience: Understand the “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” Brain – Nursery World.” Nursery World, 27 Apr. 2023, www.nurseryworld.co.uk/content/features/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain/.

Morin, Amanda . “The Difference between Tantrums and Meltdowns.” Www.understood.org, www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-meltdowns.

Nannery, Sarah, and Lance Nannery. “What Is the Difference between a Meltdown and a Tantrum?” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-to-say-next/202105/what-is-the-difference-between-a-meltdown-and-a-tantrum. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Reeck, Crystal, et al. “The Social Regulation of Emotion: An Integrative, Cross-Disciplinary Model.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 47–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.09.003.

Rouse, Matthew. “How Can We Help Kids with Self-Regulation?” Child Mind Institute, 2016, childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Schilling, Elizabeth. “Temper Tantrums (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. “Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones.” Stanfordchildrens.org, 2019, www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=age-appropriate-speech-and-language-milestones-90-P02170. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Tao, Ting, et al. “Development of Self-Control in Children Aged 3 to 9 Years: Perspective from a Dual-Systems Model.” Scientific Reports, vol. 4, no. 1, 11 Dec. 2014, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5377018/, https://doi.org/10.1038/srep07272.

“The Difference between Meltdowns & Tantrums – Autism Treatment Center.” Autism Treatment Center of America, autismtreatmentcenter.org/knowledge-base/the-difference-between-meltdowns-and-tantrums/.

Twito, Louise, et al. “The Motivational Aspect of Children’s Delayed Gratification: Values and Decision Making in Middle Childhood.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 10, no. 1649, 31 July 2019, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01649.

When to Worry about Toddler Temper Tantrums. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums.

If reading has become a chore for your little one, you may be wondering how to bring the fun back. Reading should be a joy. A good book can open your child’s eyes to so much wonder.   It can take them to depths of the ocean, or outer space.  

However, as children struggle with the mechanics of language, and grammar, it is easy to see how the magic gets lost. 

Benefits of reading

If you are an avid reader, you will know the fun of reading, but can it be more than just fun?

Many studies show reading can benefit children in a myriad of ways. Reading can increase a child’s vocabulary. (Everhart et al., 2002) Linguistic development can help a child to make sense of the world around them, and their own experiences. (Avashni, 2021)

When your child reads a story, they often experience the events through the eyes of the characters involved. This can help them increase empathy, which is a vital social skill for later life. (Bal and Veltkamp, 2013)

How to make reading fun

Visit the library

Many libraries run free activities.  However, just choosing books is fun. You could stop at the shop, on the way home, for reading snacks as an extra treat.

Learn by reading instructions

Let your child learn a skill from written instructions. Following a recipe or ‘how to’ guide can be fun and empowering for your child

 Many activities need supervision, but let your child take the lead.  Teaching themselves will help build their confidence.

Here are some fun recipes to try.

Sharing emails

You can set up an email account for child, using your adult account to manage it. Writing emails can encourage relationships between your child, and the adults around them.  For younger children, let them read the emails, and dictate the reply.  If you have an older child, they could type the replies, also.

Once your child has learnt how to work their email account, the fun of seeing a new email popping up can be immeasurable.

Make a reading area

Everyday activities are transformed with a change of location.  Reading at a desk might be boring.  Reading in a blanket den is fun. 

How to create a good reading space

Your reading area can be as unique as your family. 

Firstly, find a space. If you have a smaller home, then you may need to get creative. 

Next, choose how to store books in the reading space.   Perhaps, create a shelf by turning a good, strong box sideways, or find an old magazine rack from a charity shop.   I recommend only putting a few books out.  Too many books can make choosing more difficult.  If you want to add variety, you can change the book selection weekly.

Finally, make it comfortable, and fun.  Cushions, and blankets are a great start. 

Fun books that your child will love reading

Everyone has a different opinion on what the best children’s books are.  This changes, of course, with time, and all the other different factors which make tastes unique.  There is no definitive list of the greatest children’s books, however, there are lots of great books to discover.

Some children enjoy fact books, others enjoy stories.  If you know other families that love reading, perhaps arrange a book swap to discover some new favourites.

Here are some great children’s books.

A final note

Whatever you end up reading, have fun. I would love to hear how you choose to make memories reading with your child.  

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Avashni. “Language Development | Knights Preparatory School.” Knights Preparatory School, 13 Oct. 2021, knightsschools.com/the-importance-of-language-development/.

Bal, P. Matthijs, and Martijn Veltkamp. “How Does Fiction Reading Influence Empathy? An Experimental Investigation on the Role of Emotional Transportation.” PLoS ONE, vol. 8, no. 1, 30 Jan. 2013, journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0055341, https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0055341.

Department for Education. Research Evidence on Reading for Pleasure Education Standards Research Team. May 2012.

Everhart, Nancy, et al. “Long-Term Tracking of Student Participants’ Reading Achievement in Reading Motivation Programs.” Knowledge Quest, vol. 30, no. 5, 2002, pp. 43–46, eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ652527.

International Reading Association. Leisure Reading a JOINT POSITION STATEMENT of the INTERNATIONAL READING ASSOCIATION, the CANADIAN CHILDREN’S BOOK CENTRE, and the NATIONAL COUNCIL of TEACHERS of ENGLISH. 2014.

Homework can become a battle. Does it need to be? Is it possible to encourage your child to study independently?

I remember being a child and hating homework.  When I encourage my children to study it’s not without empathy. Amongst the parents I know, there are wildly different attitudes to the idea of schoolwork outside of school.  Some believe there isn’t enough time for children to play, so are happy for homework to be forgotten.   Others will sit with their child and ensure every task is completed.

Is homework beneficial?

As with many topics, experts do not agree if homework is beneficial, or not. There is more consensus that homework benefits older children, rather than younger ones.^{(Goodwin, 2023)} Here is a really interesting article exploring some of pros and cons.

For younger children, there are concerns that too much homework hampers play.  Play is important as it is how young children learn and develop. Reading with young children, however, can be extremely beneficial. As well as boosting their cognitive skills, reading benefits children socially and emotionally. ^{(Collier, 2019)} Of course, it is important to keep reading fun, so books remain a joy rather than a chore.

For older children, homework can offer more than just an improvement in their grades.   Managing their learning outside of the classroom can develop important life skills and self-discipline.  Parents can also use homework to be involved in the child’s learning and understand what they are doing at school. ^{(Orr, 2023)}

The attitude

Perhaps some of the facts that our older children are pouring over during homework sessions will help them later in life, or some may not.  What will last, are the positive mindsets and attitudes that can be fostered through homework.

These three lessons in attitude are worth focusing on.

1.  The wisdom of planning tasks– Time management is a skill that will benefit your child in their adult years. Time management can take time to learn, so practising it at a young age is worth the effort.
2. How to work and then play.   We have probably all heard the adage, ‘Eat the frog’. It is reported to have come from Mark Twain, quoted as having said, ‘Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.’ Eating a live frog is a bad idea. Getting your work out of the way so that you can enjoy playing is a better idea.
3. What It feels like to take pride in what they do. As well as learning the subjects, during the school years children are also learning about themselves. By truly trying their best on homework projects, they can explore their potential to grow and improve.

How much to help

Homework can be much more fun when you are a grown-up and the work is no longer your own.  This seems to be most evident when homework gets crafty.  In my son’s first term at school, they were asked to make rockets from household items and bring them in.  There were 28 rockets with definite five-year-old vibes; Two rockets, however, were so detailed, intricate and fancy that you had to wonder if a child was allowed within five feet of it.

While helping heavily, or simply doing their homework while they watch cartoons, might seem kind at the time, it can be counterproductive. Children need to be given the space to push their limits and find out what they are capable of. Showing them what you are capable of will do nothing to build their self-esteem or develop their skill sets.

How much you help will depend on the age of your child. Little ones often need a lot more assistance. For younger children, take everything step by step, letting them do as much as they can at each stage.  Let them help to plan, and to troubleshoot when things go wrong.

 As your child gets older, increase their independence in line with what they can handle. When you do help, try to do so by teaching them new skills rather than just doing it for them

 The more that you let children do for themselves, the greater their sense of ownership of the project becomes.  

How to cope with homework meltdowns

During the first UK Covid 19 lockdown, I home-schooled my son or at least tried to.  It did not go well. We both ended up angry and frustrated. He had more than one meltdown, and truth be told, I wasn’t peaceful or kind.

The second Covid-19 lock down I wanted to do better. I would not fight. We told my son it was up to him how much he did. However, privileges like watching a screen, staying up late or having fun days out were contingent on doing the essential homeschooling tasks. If he felt tired, he could play, read, or colour. When he was caught up on homeschooling, the privileges were back.

I have carried this strategy through to weekly homework and it works well. There are days when they choose to do something else first, but they always come back to their homework. They enjoy the extra privileges that homework unlocks

I believe that it is important to teach children to make the right choices through discipline, rather than control them through fights.

If you are having homework battles remember to talk to your child. There might be parts of the homework that they struggle with. You can encourage them to explore creative ways to overcome the difficulties. For example, if they feel too tired to study, a snack and a small break before studying might help.

You don’t have to shout, drag them to the table, or staple their sleeves to the textbooks. Leave the books on the table ready for them, but reserve certain privileges for after homework is finished. An important one is screen.

Screen is now a big part of most children’s lives. It is not bad in itself, but without moderation can become addictive. Many games and YouTube videos are fast-moving, delivering quick hits of dopamine and endorphins, with minimal effort from the child. These chemicals are addictive, and make focusing for a long time harder. ^{(Luker, 2022)} Reserve screen for after homework. This will encourage any young gamers to prioritise homework, and they will be studying with their brains still switched on

Tips, tricks and staying sane

1. Keep to a schedule. Have a set time for homework.  Find what works for you.
2. Consider doing homework before screen time.  Once they are sat in front of a show or video game a child may let their brain switch off for a bit.  It can be a drag for them to pull back to work mode.
3. Make a space.  Even if it is just the kitchen table, designate a homework spot.  Clear off anything that could be distracting and help them set everything they need out.
4. Teach them to plan.  When children are older and are juggling more tasks, it may be worth getting a student diary.  When they come home each day, build the habit of planning out a time for any homework that they have been given.
5. Praise what they do well.  For any other perfectionists out there, I know this one is difficult.  We want our children’s work to be the very best it can be and point to what they can improve.  Unfortunately, pointing out mistakes can set a negative mindset.  They see themselves as not very good and perform accordingly. Instead, try and find things that they have done well and praise them on it.  Flip the narrative so they see themselves as thorough, tidy, and creative workers.  It is amazing how quickly they begin to live up to the new reality you have created.

A final note

As with all things be patient.  It may seem like the world, but one piece of homework missed will not break you or your child long-term.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah

References

Collier, Ellie. “Why Is Reading so Important for Children.” The Hub | High Speed Training, High Speed Training, 24 May 2019, www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/why-is-reading-important-for-children/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Dungy, Tony. “Motivating Kids to Give Their Best.” All pro Dad, 21 July 2017, www.allprodad.com/motivating-kids-to-give-their-best/.

Goodwin, Cara. “Is Homework Good for Kids? | Psychology Today United Kingdom.” Www.psychologytoday.com, 3 Oct. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-translator/202309/is-homework-good-for-kids. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Herrity, Jennifer. “20 Ways You Can Benefit from Time Management.” Indeed Career Guide, 22 Jan. 2022, www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/benefits-of-time-management.

Luker, Edward. “Are Video Games and Screens an Addiction?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 1 July 2022, www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

McIntyre, Julie. “How Young Children Develop Pride in Self.” Blog.concordiashanghai.org, 28 Oct. 2021, blog.concordiashanghai.org/how-young-children-develop-pride-in-self.

Orr, Derek. “The Pros and Cons of Homework.” Oxford Learning, Oxford Learning, 10 Feb. 2023, www.oxfordlearning.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-homework/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.