Is developing your child’s self-esteem something that you can do as a parent, or will their self-image manifest on its own, without your influence?

Research suggests that parents do in fact play a big role in the development of a child’s self-esteem. As children are developing an idea of who they are, the way that we see them and react to them becomes an integral component of the image they begin to form of themselves.

What is self-esteem

Let’s start by clarifying what we mean when we talk about self-esteem.

The definition of self-esteem can sometimes vary. At times, it is used to describe the way a person views themself. Others use it as more of a gauge of a person’s confidence and self-worth.

A person who has a positive opinion of themself is said to have high self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem believes that they are of value. They are aware of their strengths and have confidence in their ability.

On the other hand, a person with low self-esteem will likely not believe they have much worth, or potential.

How does a child develop self-esteem?

Self-esteem begins to shape from day one. Even as a baby, your child is beginning to form a concept of themselves in relation to other people and the world around them. If a baby feels safe in the connection to their caregiver, loved and valued, they are likely to have a strong foundation upon which to build a positive view of themselves.

As a child ages, they will begin to test their abilities and explore their surroundings. As they learn and explore, they will begin to form a view of the world around them and their place within it. They will face challenges and develop skills. They will also form bonds with people. These bonds, and the way people react to them, will impact how they learn to see themselves.

Through the different moments that you share with your child, you will be playing a part in developing your child’s self-esteem.

The benefits of high self-esteem

High self-esteem is important for mental health.

Low self-esteem can lead to stress, anxiety and depression. This is not surprising. A child who does not believe in their worth is more likely to feel unsure of their place in the world, leading to insecurities and confusion. Facing challenges without believing in their abilities can be daunting for a child. Whereas a child with a strong belief in their problem-solving and coping techniques will feel confident.

A healthy self-esteem also means that a child will have respect for themselves. This can mean that they are comfortable setting personal boundaries and advocating for themselves when needed.

Furthermore, a high self-esteem can improve a child’s relationships and is linked to success in a different life pursuits.

Developing your child’s self esteem

Developing your child’s self-esteem is an ongoing process. Day in and day out, the little interactions that you have with your child can shape how they learn to see themselves.

Here are some ways that you can help your child to have a high self-esteem.

Give them your full attention

When you give your child your full attention while they are talking to you, you are showing them that what they say is important to you. This can be hard when you are juggling other tasks. If they start telling you a story, and you are too busy to listen to them at that moment, ask them to hold on. Tell them you want to listen properly, and then do so as soon as you are able.

Allow them to explore their interests

Every child is unique and will have different passions and strengths. By allowing them to explore different interests, they can learn about themselves. In some areas, your child may find they have an aptitude and can pick up new skills easily. Even more special is when they fall in love with a hobby and find the fortitude to work hard at skills that don’t come easily to them.

Practise passive listening

As a parent you may have a lot that you want to teach your child. After all, there are lessons that you have learnt the hard way. You want to impart your hard-earned knowledge to your little one. This can mean that when they talk to you, you feel tempted to jump in with judgement and instructions. At times this will be necessary, but when possible practise passive listening.

Rather than explaining the facts of the situation to your child, ask them to talk you through their thoughts and feelings. Don’t offer them answers, but explore solutions together.

Allow them to fail

This might seem counter proudtive, but failure is important for developing your child’s self-esteem.

The link between failure and high self-esteem is not a direct one. However, a 2017 study showed a link between exposure to failure and resilience.

If a child’s view of themselves relies on always succeeding, they are in a dangerous position. At some point, they will fail.

A child who has been allowed to fail will learn how to cope when things go wrong. As well as exposing your child to failure, teach them how to react to it. Encourage them to assess what went wrong, and if they decide to try again, how they will do things differently.

Also, if they do not fail, they will not develop resilience to failure. It is imortant that children learn that their value will not differ based on their success.

Offer praise about things that they can control

If you offer praise based on things like a child’s prettiness or cleverness, their value will become connected to something that they have no control over.

Rather, praise things such as willingness to work, creativity in choosing outfits and kindness. These are all things that are in a child’s realm of control. This gives them a sense of control over who they decide to be.

Speak kindly about them

As mums and dads, it is natural to want to vent to each other. It is not uncommon for our children to be the subject of our complaints. Sometimes we need to talk to other parents and receive that support. Be careful, however, how you talk about your child when they are in earshot. They listen to us a lot more than we suppose.

Be conscious of what language you use

The way that we phrase things is important. Positive language can help our children form a positive opinion of themselves.

For example, maybe your child wants to walk down the road without holding your hand. They are young and have a tendency to be silly. You know it isn’t a good idea. Don’t say, “No, you are too silly to walk on your own.” Rather say, “You haven’t learnt to be sensible on the road yet. Hold my hand, and when you are older, you can walk on your own.”

At the end of the day, your decision remains the same. However, in the first answer, you labelled them as silly. In the second, you have still said that they lack the skills needed, but used the word “yet.” Your phrasing has implied that they will be ready in time.

Use words that show that you believe in your child and their potential. Don’t view them as a finished product. Sure, maybe they are mardy now, but they have the potential to learn to control their emotions. Maybe they are shy, but in time they will find their bravery and their voice when they need it.

Model positive self-esteem

Children are social learners and will copy a lot of the attitudes that we model for them. Therefore, a great way to teach your child high self-esteem is to act it out yourself.

Use kind language when you talk about yourself. When you make mistakes, don’t beat yourself up. You will have weaknesses. Everyone does. It is okay to acknowledge that you are not the best driver, decorator or artist. Pair that with an acknolweldgement of your strengths also.

A final note

A high self-esteem will be beneficial to your child in a lot of different way. Therefore, intentionally work on developing your child’s self-esteem. Show them who they are, and even more, who they can be.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Bailey, Joseph A. “The Foundation of Self-Esteem.” Journal of the National Medical Association, vol. 95, no. 5, May 2003, p. 388, pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2594522/.

Cherry, Kendra. “What Is Self-Esteem?” Verywell Mind, 5 Dec. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868.

Henriksen, Ingvild Oxås, et al. “The Role of Self-Esteem in the Development of Psychiatric Problems: A Three-Year Prospective Study in a Clinical Sample of Adolescents.” Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, vol. 11, no. 1, Dec. 2017, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5747942/, https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034-017-0207-y.

Johnson, Judith, et al. “Resilience to Emotional Distress in Response to Failure, Error or Mistakes: A Systematic Review.” Clinical Psychology Review, vol. 52, Mar. 2017, pp. 19–42, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735816302902, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.11.007.

Lyness, D’Arcy. “Your Child’s Self-Esteem (for Parents) – KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, July 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/self-esteem.html.

NHS. “Raising Low Self-Esteem.” NHS, 11 Apr. 2023, www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/.

Orth, Ulrich, and Richard W. Robins. “Is High Self-Esteem Beneficial? Revisiting a Classic Question.” American Psychologist, vol. 77, no. 1, Jan. 2022, pp. 5–17, https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000922.

“Tips to Build Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence in Your Child (and Yourself) – Center for Children and Youth.” Center for Children and Youth, 11 Dec. 2013, ccy.jfcs.org/tips-to-build-self-esteem-and-self-confidence-in-your-child-and-yourself/.

Vanbuskirk, Sarah. “Why It’s Important to Have High Self-Esteem.” Verywell Mind, 21 Feb. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/why-it-s-important-to-have-high-self-esteem-5094127.