The importance of talking to your baby should not be overlooked. Although they are unable to chat back, taking time to speak to them throughout the day can be beneficial.

The importance of talking to your baby in the womb

It may feel silly talking to your baby whilst they are still in utero. In fact, the importance of talking to your baby in the womb has been highlighted by research into prenatal language development.

Studies have shown that from about 16 weeks, a baby begins to hear the world outside their mother’s womb. By 24 weeks, they will respond to their mother’s voice. This means they can identify their mother’s voice amidst others.

Furthermore, at birth a baby can recognise the rhythm of its mother’s native language over other languages and dialects.

This is not just the beginning of bonding between mother and baby, but also part of a baby’s language development. The early exposure to the nuances of their mother’s language will shape their brain, getting it ready for learning that same language after birth.

Can your baby understand what you are saying?

At birth, your baby will not understand the words that you are saying. This does not mean that they can’t relate to you. Rather, for your baby, there will be more importance placed on the tone you use when you speak with them. They will notice things like your facial expressions when you speak, and the way that you respond to their cries.

As they continue to grow, they constantly learn, absorbing everything around them. At around two months old, your baby tries to mimic the speech that they have heard from you. They will babble and play around with sounds.

The importance of turn-taking when you talk to your baby

Although your baby can’t understand your words or have a conversation, they can practice the art of conversation by turn-taking.

Turn-taking is a fun activity to try with your little one, and a great way to bond with them. Sit facing your baby and speak to them, then be quiet and wait for them to babble back at you. Let them babble till they stop, and then it is your turn to talk again.

As well as connecting with your baby, turn-taking helps babies work on their communication, social and language skills.

Baby talk

There is a cooing voice that many people find themselves using when they talk to a baby. We often don’t intend to speak differently, and may feel embarrassed when we find ourselves naturally doing it.

Many language experts, however, believe in the importance of talking to your baby this way. A lot of the differences that you make to your speech are actually beneficial.

The higher tone is easier for a young baby to hear clearly, and the sing-song rhythm is simpler for them to process, rather than the normal flow of conversation.

Some of the words that we use, such as bunny or kitty, also help language acquisition. When you use these cutesy terms with your little one, you are emphasising the rhythm of the words.

As babies are immersed in language, they will slowly begin to understand the meaning of words. From as early as four months, a baby can recognise their name.

After hearing words repeated over and over in context, they will start to expand their vocabulary. Towards the end of their first year, they should have a few words that they recognise. These first few known words are often spoken commands, such as ‘no’ or ‘stop’. Throughout their second year, toddlers’ understanding of language is likely to flourish.

Immersion in a language is an important part of this development. A baby who is spoken to regularly and is surrounded by conversation will have more opportunities to learn, and therefore is likely to understand and speak their language at an earlier age.

The importance of singing to your baby

Nursery rhymes are fun, and often sharing them with your baby can take you back to your childhood.

Singing with your baby is also great for their linguistic development. As with baby talk, the rhythm of songs can help their brain process and remember words. Babies also learn a lot from repetition, meaning that the structure of many baby songs is perfect for them.

By singing the same songs or nursery rhymes over, you can create a predictable structure. This is great for their cognitive development, as they see the patterns and learn to anticipate a clap or bounce after a certain word.

How to talk to your baby

The way that you talk to your baby will change depending on their age.

At any age, it is a good idea to start with their name, so they learn to respond to it.

A newborn baby will love to look at your face, so get close to them when you speak with them, and remember to smile. When they start to babble back, let them have their turn. Don’t be embarrassed to use a baby voice, as this will help them to process the language that you are using.

As your baby gets older,, you can start to name things around you, adding more detail as their understanding increases. You may begin just pointing out objects, ‘It’s a fish!” Then as your child develops, they may understand more detailed sentences, ‘Look, the orange fish is swimming.”

When your baby talks back to you

By the time your baby talks back to you, they will likely be a toddler. Whatever the age, it is always exciting to hear your little ones’ first words.

When your child begins to talk to you, it is an opportunity to model listening. They may get words wrong at first; that is okay. It can be tempting to correct them, but you don’t need to. You can just repeat what they said correctly, “Yes, the fish is swimming!” and let them learn as they go.

A final note

Although they can’t talk back, the importance of talking to your baby is undeniable. Let them hear your voice, and soon enough you will hear theirs too.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“Babies: Their Wonderful World – Exploring the Science behind “Baby Talk.”” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2023, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/zk8dscw.

“Baby Talk Used by Adults and Why We Speak in Baby Talk with Kids.” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2023, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z92xnk7.

Gervain, Judith. “The Role of Prenatal Experience in Language Development.” Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences, vol. 21, June 2018, pp. 62–67, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2018.02.004.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Help Your Baby Learn to Talk.” Nhs.uk, Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/baby/babys-development/play-and-learning/help-your-baby-learn-to-talk/.

Mariani, Benedetta, et al. “Prenatal Experience with Language Shapes the Brain.” Science Advances, vol. 9, no. 47, 24 Nov. 2023, https://doi.org/10.1126/sciadv.adj3524.

McElroy, Molly. “While in Womb, Babies Begin Learning Language from Their Mothers.” UW News, 2019, www.washington.edu/news/2013/01/02/while-in-womb-babies-begin-learning-language-from-their-mothers/.

Sauer, Mary. “Developmental Milestones: Understanding Words, Behavior, and Concepts | BabyCenter.” BabyCenter, 7 Mar. 2022, www.babycenter.com/baby/baby-development/developmental-milestones-understanding-words-behavior-and-co_6575.

“Talking to Your Bump – What Are the Benefits?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2021, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z4xy2sg.

Weisleder, Adriana, and Anne Fernald. “Talking to Children Matters: Early Language Experience Strengthens Processing and Builds Vocabulary.” Psychological Science, vol. 24, no. 11, 10 Sept. 2013, pp. 2143–2152, https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797613488145.

“Why Taking Turns Is so Important.” BBC Tiny Happy People, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/zgc6qfr.

The power of positivity is a well-worn phrase, but is positivity powerful? Is it something that you should teach your children, or just the latest fad, traded on by self-help gurus and personal improvement books?

Some think that by merely believing hard enough in something good, you can make it happen. Or some don’t think bad things will happen to them. The former are unlikely to take action, as they see their faith as enough. The latter is unlikely to take precautions.

In opposition, there are those who think that things are what they will be, and there is very little that you can do to change them.

A lot of the differences in perspective can be attributed to personality and upbringing. Is it just different opinions, though? Are there any proven facts about positivity? What does science have to say?

Is positivity powerful?

If positivity is truly as powerful as people say, there should be evidence to show its effects. Indeed, numerous studies have been conducted on the power of positivity in various aspects of people’s lives. So let’s see what they found.

How positivity impacts health

There was a study done in 2013 examining the connection between positive well-being and the risk of a heart attack in patients with a family history of heart disease. The researchers found that patients with a positive outlook had a significant reduction in coronary artery disease.

The impact of positivity on health is not limited to just heart disease. There is also research linking positivity with lower blood pressure, a healthier BMI, lower blood sugar and increased longevity. There have also been links shown between positivity and increased immunity.

The strong link between positivity and health is in a large part due to the fact that those with a positive outlook may be more resilient to stress.

Stress can cause your body to release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. An excess of these hormones can disrupt the body’s normal processes, and cause issues like insomnia, digestive problems, muscle soreness, weight gain and a lack of focus.

Positivity and success

According to the Journal of Business and Entrepreneurship positive thinking, when taken to an extreme, can have a negative impact on success. This is because extreme optimism, without consideration of the facts, may lead to people making unwise choices.

However, a healthy amount of positivity can increase success. Positive people have been proven to be more successful and also more likely to set goals. When they encounter setbacks, positive people have been shown to be more resilient and better at solving problems. As with the correlation between positivity and health, this could be partly due to a reduction in the stress hormones. A reduction in stress can help you to think more clearly and creatively.

Positivity and relationships

You may feel that your positivity will be a hindrance in relationships. They say that misery loves company, and in way that is true. There are people who you will meet who will love to moan and complain. They will love to gossip and drag other peoples names through the dirt. These are people who will not like your positivity.

A positive attitude, however, can attract people who share a similar upbeat outlook. When you see the best in people and show kindness to them, you can make their world a better place.

As with everything else, this should be balanced. Be sure to avoid toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is when you take your sunny attitude to the extreme, and reject any acknowledgement of negative feelings or experiences. Life is hard, and some of the feelings you and the people around you will feel will be difficult. You can make time for negative feelings and still be an overall positive person. Denying these feelings, on the other hand, can cause more pain long-term.

Positivity and Parenting

Does positivity have an impact on parenting? Apparently so. Children who are raised in a positve enviroment have better mental health, fewer behavioural issues and are academically more succesful.

A child’s self-esteem is largely defined by their parents. If a child is responded to with warmth, they will be able to understand their value. If they are encouraged, and their successes and progress highlighted, they will see themselves in the same positive way that they are spoken about.

Children will often act in line with how they are taught to view themselves. If they are taught they are kind, they will show kindness, if they are taught they are clever they will be eager to use their brains.

How to be more positive?

So, after looking at the impact of positivity on health, success, relationships and our children. It is hard now to deny that positivity is powerful in more than one way.

However, we are tired, parenting is hard, and we live in a world that sometimes drags us down. How can we become more positive when things don’t feel great?

Gratitude journal

With all that you are battling throughout the day, sometimes the blessings can go unnoticed. Keeping a gratitude journal is a great habit to begin. Treat yourself to a pretty notebook, and keep it by the bed. Before you sleep write down just one thing from the day that you thought was good.

Keep positive company

The people who you spend your time with will influence you greatly. If you spend time with people who are negative, it will be hard to maintain a positive attitude.

Seek out people who see the wonder in the world, the potential in people and who believe in themselves.

Try visualisation

There are mixed opinions about visualisation. The Neuroscience School suggests that visualisation can trick the brain into believing that you have already succeeded, therefore your motivation will dip.

However, other studies looking at visualisation disagree. Visualisation, although working in the imaginary, makes a neurological reality. This can actually reshape the brain as new neurological pathways are formed which can help set you up for success.

One study in particular followed participants over 12 weeks of positive visualisations. At the end of the study the participants were shown to have increased cognitive function, emotional perception and non verbal reasoning.

Visualisation is worth a try, but remember to pair it with actions towards your goals.

Affirm yourself with words

Affirmations can sometimes be seen as rather cringey. If used consististently, however, they can help combat negative thinking and rewire the brain to accept positive truths.

As well as adjusting how you see reality, affrimations can change how you see yourself. This is important. If you see yourself as smart and competent, you will have the confidence to acheive what you set out to acheive.

Again, this should be balanced. Confidence can help you to function at a higher level, but overconfidence can cause you to not assess situations accurately.

Choose affirmations that focus on the type of life that you want to build, and the goals that you want to achieve.

Talk nicely about your children

Parenting is hard, and there is no shame in admitting that you are struggling. Be careful though, not to focus too much conversation on your child’s shortcomings. Even when your children don’t seem to be listening they are often more tuned in than you think.

Also, if you base your friendships on complaining about your children, the negative conversations will impact your perceptions of your little ones.

Yes, our children will drive us crazy sometimes. Speak about them with grace, patience and respect.

A final note

Positivity has the power to support our health, relationships, success and parenting outcomes. It is also not just a personality trait. Positivity can be chosen, and worked on.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

The joy of parenting is difficult to speak about without at least a little sarcasm. Blow out diapers on the way out the door, meltdowns in supermarkets, and a constant sense of self-doubt and guilt as you try to love and raise your little ball of crazy. Who could miss the joy, right?

Parenting is hard. It is messy, frustrating, and sometimes both physically and emotionally draining. Of course, there are good moments, not only when the children finally nap.

Watching your little one grow and explore the world, and standing by them as they learn who they are, is incredible. Often, however, the moments of joy are lost in the chaos that parenting also brings.

What is joy?

To understand the joy of parenting, we must explore what joy is.

Joy is often used as another word for happiness. This is one correct definition, but it is not the only definition.

The word joy derives from the French word “gaudia.” This translates as “to rejoice.” The root word, therefore, is a verb rather than a noun. I am not referencing grammar to bore you. The difference between a noun and a verb is important here. If we see joy as a noun, it is a thing. It is either there or not. If we see it as a verb, it can be something more. It becomes an action. It is now a choice. The verb joy is an internal attitude rather than an external circumstance.

Does joyful parenting mean that I have to be happy all the time?

Although joy is indeed an attitude, please don’t think I am telling you to be happy all the time. You will feel a lot of things at 3 am when your baby wakes up, and won’t go back to sleep. It is okay that happiness is not one of those things. No one expects you to celebrate when your toddler throws his dinner on the floor or refuses to put on his pants.

You will feel a spectrum of emotions as you pass through days of parenting. It is okay to have negative emotions. We will all be angry, frustrated and unsure at times. The Scientific American journal suggests that negative emotions are actually important for our well-being and mental health.

Can you be Joyful when you aren’t happy?

It is possible to be joyful but not happy. The ability to not be consumed by one emotion, and therefore make room for hope, optimism, connection, and all those other things that surround joy, is indicative of emotional maturity. Another way to describe this is emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience

Emotional resilience is a huge part of mental health. It is the ability to keep going and hold it together when it feels like everything is falling apart. Emotionally resilient people are able to appreciate the good, whilst still struggling with the negative.

It is worth noting that emotional resilience is easier to maintain when you are well-connected to positive and supportive people.

Emotional resilience can enable us to maintain joy, through the good days and the bad.

How to parent with joy

So, if joy is a choice, how do we choose it?

Make choices that increase your emotional resilience

As we just discussed, emotional resilience can make it easier to choose joy, as you stand against the waves of emotions that want to carry you away. There are a lot of ways to increase your emotional resilience. Building strong and healthy relationships with other mums, eating well, sleeping and taking time to meditate all have positive effects on your emotional resilience.

Prioritise Positivity

Research has been conducted on the benefits of positive thinking. A positive attitude has been linked with better mental and physical health.

As well as having health benefits, positivity can grow into joy. As you notice your strengths and opportunities rather than flaws and limitations, you will find more reasons to rejoice.

Remember, that this too shall pass

Sometimes it feels like certain struggles will never end, but remember, this too shall pass. The toddler tantrums won’t last forever, potty training will finish one day, and by the time your child is a teen, they will probably sleep through the night. Whatever you are going through, chances are that you will make it out the other end. Maybe you will come out bruised and a little shaken, but alive and ready to face the next challenge.

Slow down and simplify

In this age, many people feel judged by how much they do. And there is so much that could be done. School PTAs to volunteer for, family events, community events, Pinterest projects, scrapbooks, baking and if you have a daughter, intricate hairstyles to try.

Some of this can be fun. With fun and joy closely aligned, it may seem a good idea to say “yes” more. Check in with yourself, though. If you are already feeling stretched thin, remember that there is no shame in saying “no”. You are no less if you do less.

Surround yourself with joyful people

Theoretically, you will end up like the five people that you spend the most time with. Therefore, choose people are joyful, kind and will celebrate your successes with you and stand by you during your low times.

If your friends tear each other down and compete against each other, chances are they won’t be a positive influence in your life.

Accept what you can’t control

Life is not fair. It is an unpopular fact, but a fact. Some unfair things are also completely out of our control. When these cross your path, it is tempting to get angry and frustrated. In these times, remember to focus on the things that you can control.

It is impossible to be joyful in a reality that you refuse to accept.

Teaching your children joy

Often, children are naturally joyful. They can find fun in the least likely places, and explore the world with a sense of adventure and awe.

There are times, however, when they get bored, tired or overwhelmed. Should you teach them joy? If so how?

Although teaching your child joy may benefit them, it should be done with caution. Sure, you want to teach your little ones how to be okay and how to find good in whatever they face. This needs to be balanced with an acknowledgement of what they are feeling at the time. Don’t ever make your child feel ashamed of being sad, angry, scared, worried or any other unpleasant thing they may be feeling.

Rather than demanding that they have a positive attitude, try modelling one. You can say things like, “I know that it’s frustrating, the party was rained off. Shall we go and play in puddles instead? ” Or, “This is a rough week, what can we do that will make us feel better?”

Keep your eyes open, and point out things that are beautiful or worth your child’s wonder. If you walk through the woods looking for creepy crawlies, birds and pretty plants, your child is likely to do the same.

Games and challenges are a great way to bring joy into boring moments. Whilst waiting for a bus, find silly games to play. If your child is fussing to change, make it a race between them changing and you washing the pots.

A final note

No one is genuinely joyful all the time. That is okay. Sometimes we are just trying to survive.

Whatever you are walking through, however, try and take the time to look around you. Find something to smile about.

Parenting is not easy. so the more joy that you can scavenge along the way, the better. Joy can bring a little sunshine to the wildest storm.

I wish you all the peace!

Hannah Louise

What parenting style is best for your child is something that many people will differ on.

A few decades ago, many believed that the only proper way to parent a child was to instil unquestioning obedience via punishments and spanking if needed. Since those days, the norm has changed. Now, society sees spanking as abusive and unkind. In some cases, however, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. It is not uncommon in our current times to find households where parents give the children free rein. Some little ones are allowed to do what they want when they want it.

Despite the controversy, what parenting style is best for your child is not just a matter of personal opinion. There is research that has now been done into the four main parenting styles and how they impact children. But before we look at what parenting style is best, lets look at the 4 main styles of parenting.

The 4 main parenting styles

Pysologists break parenting down into 4 main styles. Of course, this are just the archetypes. Most parents will not fit neatly into one style, rather will work with a blend of the different parenting techniques.

The 4 main parenting styles are as follows.

Why do we all parent so differently?

Many factors can influence the way a person parents. These can be emotional, psychological and social.

Sometimes it is just an outcome of circumstances. This is often the case with uninvolved parents. This parenting style is often a side effect of a parent with other life struggles, therefore unable to give their best to the child.

Often, there are parenting styles that are seen as more acceptable in the location or social circle that surrounds you. In my parents’ day, authoritarian parenting was admired, and parents who smacked their children were seen as responsible. Nowadays, in the UK, smacking is seen as wrong, and the authoritarian style is a lot less acceptable.

Other factors can influence which parenting style you choose. It may be due to your own childhood, either a rebellion against or a copy off. Or perhaps your child has additional needs which you need to account for in your parenting methods.

How the different parenting styles impact your child

Two children can grow up in the same home and turn out completely different. Children are not innate sponges that we parent into, but rather living people who respond to the environment in which they are born.

Nevertheless, your parenting styles will have an impact on your child.

Authoritarian parenting

Authoritarian was the parenting style that was often touted as best during the 80s and 90s. On face, the children of authoritarian parents are well behaved. However, long-term, authoritarian parenting does not lead to positive or healthy behaviour.

The social impact of being raised by authoritarian parents was studied in China in 2023. Children who were raised in strict, authoritarian homes were more aggressive and less likely to connect with their peers. This may be due to genetics, learned behaviour, or just that the children were less trusting of their peers, believing that people were inherently aggressive.

It is worth noting that some disagree and believe that children from authoritarian families are less likely to cause disruptions and therefore get along with peers and other children.

Children from this parenting style do not have the best levels of emotional intelligence, which can lead to impulsive behaviour. They are also at higher risk of developing depression and anxiety. They are also likely to have low self esteem.

As their parents are controlling their behaviour and making decisions for them, they may struggle with self-control.

On the flip side, there are benefits to authoritarian parenting. It can offer children clarity on whose authority they should submit to. This can help them become resilient to peer pressure.

Uninvolved Parenting

Children of uninvolved parents are often very independent. This is usually due to the fact that they have had to take care of themselves, and not been able to rely on a parent or carer. Instead, they have had to fend for themselves.

They may also be more emotionally unstable or immature. This is because connection with the main adults in their life is important for a child’s emotional development.

That connection with the main caregiver, also will be a foundation upon which future relationships are formed. Without the connection, the child may struggle to maintain healthy and trusting relationships in the future.

Uninvolved parenting can also lead to low self-esteem in the child. The lack of structure can be detrimental to their physical and mental health. Without a close connection, they are not able to learn by watching a parent’s modelled behaviour, therefore can be more impulsive and find it hard to make sound decisions.

The consequences of uninvolved parenting carry through to school, with children struggling academically.

As we discussed earlier, often uninvolved parenting is not a choice. It is often the consequence of parents who are unable to show up due to their own limitations.

Permissive parenting

It is not surprising that children from permissive homes are often very secure in their relationship with their parents and have very high self-esteem.

Unfortunately, this parenting style also has many drawbacks.

As there are no boundaries at home, the children can struggle with self-control. The lack of rules and structure can also cause children to feel anxious and insecure. When they enter an environment where they are expected to follow rules, they can struggle.

If a child is not given limits on things like screen time or sugar, they will often overindulge. This not only leads to poor mental and physical health in the present, but they will also struggle to set limits on themself in later life.

As permissive parents often prioritise the child’s immediate happiness, children raised this way can become egocentric and lack patience or the ability to compromise. This can hurt their social development.

In permissive parenting children are offered as much freedom as the parent can manage, without the responsibilities. The lack of responsibility and accountability can mean these children can, find it harder to achieve academically or outside of school.

Authoritative parenting

Authoritative parenting is a middle ground between permissive and authoritarian parenting. It offers the structure and high expectations of authoritarian parenting, along with the strong parent-child bond of permissive parenting.

Children from authoritative parents are securely attached, and their voice is listened to. This can have a positive impact on their self-esteem and confidence. The strong bond can also reduce risk for anxiety and depression later in life.

Despite the strong bond, children from authoritative parents are encouraged to exercise their independence and try new things. The freedom that the children are given is matched with an understanding of the responsibilities. This can set a child up for success and achievement.

The strong bond with their parent or carer, matched with an understanding of appropriate behaviour can help a child socially.

These children are disciplined through positive reinforcement and encouragement, being given the space to find out who they are. Their good behaviour is driven by a strong sense of personal identity instead of by fear.

There is also evidence that children raised by authoritative parents are more emotionally regulated and have better problem-solving abilities.

What parenting style is best?

Experts agree that the authoritative parenting style leads to the best outcomes for children. However, it requires a lot of time and patience. At times, most of us will use different parenting styles, as it is rare to parent exclusively one way.

At the heart of it, children who is secure in their attachment with their parent and are raised in a safe environment with parents who love them enough to discipline them they will thrive.

Children also learn a lot from examples. If they are surrounded by people with healthy attitudes and habits, then they are likely to adopt the same behaviours.

Final note

Although all of the parenting styles have benefits, the balance between a loving and warm connection and high expectations that is offered by authoritative parents can give children a foundation of security and motivation from which to excel.

The difference between peaceful and passive parenting is often blurred. This hazy line means peaceful parenting has become associated with parents watching with besotted smiles as their little whirlwind whips around, creating unchecked havoc.

The truth is that peaceful parenting does not mean being passive and waiting for inappropriate behaviour to correct itself. It also does not mean allowing your child’s whims to rule the family. Peaceful parenting is active and engaged.

Peaceful parenting is not always Peaceful

As a peaceful parent, you will try to bring peace to situations. Your child will sometimes bring the storm as they battle against rules and expectations. The temptation may be to avoid messy moments by avoiding the battles. After all, battles have two sides. If you, as a parent, don’t set rules or have expectations of behaviour, there will be nothing for them to rage against. This is passive parenting, and it does not bring peace. Rather, passive and uninvolved parenting leads to children who feel ungrounded and insecure. Without clear boundaries, children are more likely to behave erratically.

If you want to parent in a way that promotes peace, you will have to say “no” at times. You may also need to correct inappropriate behaviours or remove your children from situations they are unable to handle.

However calmly you discipline your child, there will be times when they will fight against you. Young children have not yet learnt emotional regulation, delayed gratification or impulse control. This means they sometimes struggle to accept not getting their own way.

You can be gentle but still firm

The difference between authoritarian and peaceful parenting is often in the motive and delivery rather than the substance.

An authoritarian parent and a peaceful parent will teach the same lessons. Authoritarian parents, however, will teach through commands and punishments. They are also less likely to connect or display empathy for their children.

Authoritarian parents aim for children who will obey and who are afraid to step out of line.

As a peaceful parent, you can still hold your child to high standards, however, you do so with kindness. You teach them through connection. Your children will know they are loved, even if they make mistakes. Peaceful parenting aims to empower children to make good choices

Consequences vs Punishments

At times, as you peacefully parent your child, you will need to teach through consequences.

Authoritarian parents believe that punishments are the only way to teach a child that actions have consequences. On the other hand, passive parents will look for the easiest way out of a situation, and if that means helping a child avoid the consequences of their actions, so be it. So, is there a middle ground?

In looking at consequences and punishments, it is important to understand that they are not the same thing. For a more in-depth look at the differences, check out this post.

At the heart of it, punishments are punitive and dealt out with the aim of making a child pay through hardship for what they did wrong. An example would be if a child said something unkind and then had a favourite toy taken away for being naughty.

Although punishments are consequences, not all consequences are punishments.

If a child is struggling to play nicely with other children at a park, the natural consequence would be for that child to be removed from the situation and taken home. This is not done in the spirit of punishing the child. Rather, it is an acknowledgement that they are not currently able to behave in a way that is appropriate for being at the park. Therefore, the right thing to do is to go home and try another day.

Positive consequences

Positive consequences are consequences that you can actively enforce to support better behaviour.

If your child is struggling to behave well, make the right choices or control their emotions, chances are something needs to change. Perhaps a change in sleep, amount of time on screen or diet could help. Like adults, these things can affect children both physically and emotionally. The changes that you need to make, such as earlier nights, less sugar for a few days or a break from screen time, may feel like punishments to your child. There is, however, a crucial difference. You are not looking for what repercussion would be the most unpleasant for your child, to compel them through fear not to err again. Instead, you are implementing measures that you know will help your child to thrive.

A positive consequence may not always be related to physical well-being. It may be that there are skills that your child needs to learn.

A child struggling to walk sensibly in the street can be made to hold a parent’s hand while they practise walking calmly and paying attention to their surroundings. The consequence offers a chance for them to practise important skills before they are allowed freedom.

You can be gentle and responsible

When you are disciplining as a gentle parent, another area that you should not be passive is that of responsibility.

There is a lot of talk nowadays about child-led parenting. While we should look for and account for their needs, children should not be given full parental responsibility.

Children have a lot of learning to do, and are not yet mature or developed enough to be able to make all of their own decisions. Sure, in time, if we leave them alone and let them have what they want, maybe they will learn what hurts them and avoid those things. They will suffer a lot of hurt along the way, however.

You are the adult. You should decide things like bedtimes and what gets cooked for dinner.

As your child grows, you can allow them to make choices that are appropriate for their age. There will be many opportunities to teach your child responsibility whilst keeping them healthy and safe.

Responsilibility and Privilidge

As your children age and develop, it is right that they acquire certain privileges. They must also learn that privileges come with responsibility. If they cannot handle the responsibility, then remove the privilege. Try it again later when you feel that they are ready.

Most privileges are paired with responsibilities. For example, understanding a child who is allowed to watch the screen, should turn it off when asked, and follow rules about what channels they are allowed on, or what games they can play. If your child is allowed to play in the neighbour’s garden, they should play nicely and come to you when called. Perhaps you let them use the grown-up felt tips, but only at the table, using an art mat.

You might give and take away privileges a few times. Learning responsibility is difficult, and it takes time.

A Final Note

Peaceful parenting is not passive. It is engaged, and active as you look for ways to support, discipline and connect with your child.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

The importance of parenting by example is often denied in the tongue-in-cheek adage, ‘ Do as I say, not as I do.”

Of course, this never works.  Children are social learners. They copy the behaviour they see demonstrated,  rather than follow verbal instructions.

As a parent, this can be hard to watch.  It may feel like your children’s behaviour is a mirror, reflecting all of you.  The good and the bad, from behavioural habits to vocal tics.

Children are observational learners

There are multiple theories exploring how children learn.  Social learning theory highlights the important role that observation of other people plays in a child’s learning journey.

It isn’t always obvious that your children are watching you.  The truth is, they are often more tuned in than they appear to be.   Therefore, your behaviours and attitudes can shape how your children interact with others and the world around them.

This observation is not a passive process.   As children watch, they are cognitively engaged.   They won’t only see the behaviours that those around them exhibit, but also the consequences of those behaviours.   They will then make certain conclusions about which behaviours are both socially acceptable and beneficial.

It is worth noting that children do not learn from everyone equally.  They are more likely to mimic the behaviours of those they already love and trust, over the behaviours of strangers. This means that one of the most powerful parenting tools is example.

If children learn through observation, it follows that your behaviour is a model for them.  This can feel like a lot of pressure.   After all, parents are imperfect people trying their best. Often, you will be sleep-deprived and working against a never-ending litany of demands. 

However hard you try, you will probably never get everything completely right. If you could, you would not be human.   The good news is that you don’t need to be perfect to be a good teacher.   Your children will also struggle to get things right. Frankly, if you never made mistakes, it would be completely demoralising for them.   They need to learn how to deal with failure and to act when they mess up, which they will do.

Therefore, you do not need to be perfect. Rather, you should strive to demonstrate how to handle not being perfect, whilst still trying to be good.

If you model nothing else, let’s model kindness

There are a lot of important lessons you will want to teach our children as they grow.  The most important, however, is kindness. 

When I say kindness, I am not talking about the self-deprecating kindness where you try to grind yourself into nothing to appease the whims of everyone around you.

Kindness to others should be paired and balanced with self-kindness. To believe people are worth love and respect despite their flaws, mishaps and errors in judgment, you must be able to measure yourself by the same standard.

Instead, many of us self-impose impossible standards. You may struggle to believe that you are worth anything if you fall short.

When it comes to kindness versus impossible standards, our children will learn from us.  So do not aspire to be perfect, aspire to be kind. You can still try your best, but accept failure with grace.  Do things for the joy of doing them, rather than to prove yourself.  

How to model boundaries

Kindness is important. Boundaries are important, too. Throughout our parenting, you should demonstrate examples of how to advocate for your own autonomy and space when needed. When they see you using the word ‘no’ with confidence and ease, your children will learn to use it, too.

How to correct your children in things you struggle with yourself?

It can feel hypocritical to correct your child’s behaviour, knowing that you struggle with the same flaw.

Perhaps you are a fussy eater, but want your children to try new foods.  You may find it hard to control your temper, but understand the importance of teaching calm conflict resolution.   Despite the importance of limiting screen time for little ones, mobile phone addiction amongst parents is rife.   These are just a few examples. It is not unusual to fall short of the standards you would like to impart to our children.   So, what is an imperfect parent to do?

How to handle not being perfect?

Your imperfections offer an opportunity to teach our children about growth. Especially with children who are old enough to be aware and have conversations about healthy habits.

It is important, however, to model pragmatism, not self-loathing or pity.

Say things like:

“I am going to try and eat more healthy foods so I can have more energy.”

Rather than:

“I’ve eaten junk the last few days. Now I feel gross. I am such a pig.”

As with many things in life, it is important to strike a balance.   Understanding our flaws and wanting to improve on them is great.  At times, you will fail, and that is okay.

There are a plethora of resources out there that can help us improve any area of our lives. Before you do this, however, you need to understand why you want to make the changes. Also, what will the improvement look like for you?

The “What” and the “Why”

In order to teach our children through our growth, you need to understand the “What” and “Why”.

Understanding the “Why” can help motivate us, but it can also define the “What”. That is, the measures that you take to implement the change. For example, if you want to eat better for energy, you will make different choices than you would to lose weight.

When you understand your motivation, you can plan how to move forward. Having a specific plan makes it easier to implement.

Saying you will be on your mobile phone less is hard to quantify. Instead, setting certain hours when your phone is on the side will make a real difference. Controlling your temper is noble. It is also hard to do without a plan for when you feel our blood start to boil.

So, you should know why you are choosing healthy behaviours. You should be clear on what those behaviours will look like in the day-to-day. This will help your children learn alongside you.

Final Note

Parenting by example does not mean that you need be perfect. At it’s heart it is making choices that are beneficial for our own health and well-being so that our children can learn to make healthy choices too.

Self-care is an important part of parenting by example, so remember to treat yourself with the same amount of kindness that you offer your children.

Refererences

Cherry, Kendra. “How Observational Learning Affects Behavior.” Verywell Mind, 27 Jan. 2025, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-observational-learning-2795402.

Mcleod, Saul. “Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory in Psychology.” Simply Psychology, 1 Feb. 2024, www.simplypsychology.org/bandura.html#What-is-Social-Learning-Theory.

When siblings fight it can be beyond frustrating. Battles can transform moments that you hoped would be peaceful into moments that are fraught with anger and strife.

The fact that it is normal for siblings to fight is little comfort while their wars are raging. So, can anything be done to promote a ceasefire, or perhaps even an alliance between brothers and sisters?

Why siblings fight?

Children are a work in progress. They do not come complete with impulse control, empathy or the ability to put situations in perspective. In time, they will learn and develop the skills to help them co-exist peacefully with other humans. Unfortunately, it is a slow process

This underdevelopment of personal and social skills, along with the fact that siblings spend prolonged amounts of time together in confined spaces, means that sibling spats are to be expected.

In fact, a certain amount of conflict can be beneficial. It is healthy for children to learn to use their voice and establish their boundaries. Of course, this is often less glamorous than it sounds. It is less gently enforcing personal expectations and more rolling around on the floor, battling over the remote control.

In some homes, however, the battle between siblings can be a never-ending struggle.

Look for the root cause of discord

If your children do not seem to like each other, working out the root cause is important. This may be something that shows in the things they most often fight about. Sometimes it may be due to a clash between needs or personalities. One child may be naturally loud whereas the other struggles with too much noise, or one child may love company, but the other needs their own space.

Sibling fights are also more common when children feel like they don’t get enough attention from their parents or caretakers. If a child is hungry for more connection with their adult, they can begin to resent their siblings with whom they have to share attention.

Prevention is better than cure

Trying to tame two or more children in the midst of a spat is not fun. I do not think this is just my personal opinion. I have met other parents, and no-one likes playing mediator. Is there a way to create a culture where fights are less likely?

Redefine fair

Many siblings fight when one of them believes that a situation is unfair. Children often go through a stage when they believe that everything needs to be equal to be fair. They are not yet able to look at the nuances of a situation, rather they see things as black and white.

For example, perhaps one child was playing with a neighbour in the garden and missed their screen time. When they come in, their sibling has started watching a show. The fact that they have unequal amounts of TV time may be all the first child sees, disregarding the extra fun they had in the garden.

The truth that not everything has to be equal is one that children need to learn.

Replacing fairness with kindness

As your children go through life, there will be times when situations are unequal. Perhaps one of your children is in a friendship group that loves parties, therefore receives more invitations. On the other hand, your other child may be old enough to enjoy more freedom and liberty.

Try to teach your children to replace their strict expectation of fairness with kindness. Encourage them to celebrate each other’s successes and be happy for each other’s wins. This will take time and won’t be an easy process. Of course, allow them to feel disappointment for themselves, too. The ability to feel conflicting emotions is one that they will soon tune into. Remind them of the times that they won and their sibling backed them up.

Allow them to set their own boundaries

Give your children permission to set appropriate boundaries around their bodies, space and possessions. This can be even more important when children share rooms. In a shared room, you may need to get creative. Perhaps you could invest in bed canopies, so each child has a little hidey hole that is all theirs. If possible, divide storage so that they have their own drawer or shelf.

Sharing is a great skill to have. There will be times when sharing should be encouraged. However it is important you don’t make them share everything. Allow them to have things that are there own.

In the same way, there are times when children will have to deal with other people and socialise, but they should not be forced to entertain their siblings. They must be allowed time on their own if they need it.

Set clear and consistent rules

Although, as we have already discussed, things will not and can not always be fair, the fundamental rules should be the same for every child. If there is no screen at the table, that should apply to everyone. No hitting means no hitting, even if it is the littlest hitting the biggest child.

There may be exceptions if you have children who have additional needs. There will also be differences in things like bedtimes, and the amount of independence allowed as children mature and age. You can allow for that whilst also being consistent in the expectation that each child is respectful and kind.

Make time for each child

A child with a strong connection with their parent or main caregiver will feel secure and have better mental and emotional health. This can help them regulate their emotions which in turn will help them to deal with conflict in a more pragmatic way.

One-on-one bonding time is important for building that strong connection. Try to find fun things that you and your child both enjoy doing, and take a little time, when possible, to share the activity with them.

Look after their bodies as well as their minds

Hanger is a real thing. It is not just hunger that can turn your sweet little angels into wild hyenas; lack of sleep and movement can also have a big impact on mood and behaviour.

If your children are in school, you may find that they fight with their siblings more when the holidays come around. To combat this, maintain pockets of routine throughout the holidays to help sleep. Try to get outside, no matter the weather, for a little bit each day.

Encourage your children to work together

A simple way to get your children to work together is to set them a joint challenge. It might be that they need to work together to clean a room, or that they have to collect a certain number of stars between them to earn a treat.

Be sure to structure challenges in a way that each child can and must contribute so one child isn’t carrying the others.

What to do when siblings fight

No matter how well you prepare at times children will fight. When they do, it can be infuriating. You might find yourself tempted to shout louder than them, and thus initiate a three-way war.

Let’s look at some positive ways to cope when siblings fight.

Implement a healthy time out

Time-outs, when used correctly, can be a great way to cool a situation down. When siblings are in the middle of a fight, they are likely to be emotional and frustrated. It is hard to get a child to think rationally when emotions are high. Give each child a place to go and sit, away from the fight, and away from each other.

Time-outs work better when children have an element of control in them. If you ask a child to sit in their room for five minutes there is the chance that they will stomp upstairs and sit seething for five minutes. If, on the other hand you ask a child to go and sit upstairs until they have calmed down and can talk about a situation calmly, they will regulate their emotions in less time, and likely come down in a better place mentally and emotionally.

The element of control that you have given your child will empower them, and the fact that coming out of time-out depends on fixing their attitude will motivate them to work towards being calmer. Of course, there are times when a child will pretend to be calm just to avoid a time-out. This is a bonus. Tell them as long as they prove through behaviour and words that they are calmer, they can come out, and they will be likely to fake calm and in doing so actually feel calmer too.

Give them room to work out a solution

It is tempting to jump in as soon as a conflict arises. Sure, there will be times when we need to for safety or just self-preservation, but sometimes let your children work things out for themselves.

This is hardest when you have a child who has a stronger personality than another as you may worry the gentler child will get stomped all over and taken advantage of. The truth us that children need to learn to handle situations on their own, and fighting their own battles with siblings can be an important step towards that.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t have input at all. Spend time with your more dominant child encouraging them to listen to their siblings, and with your passive child helping them think of ways to express themselves. There will be moments where they don’t manage, and that is okay. You have to lose sometimes to learn.

Take each situation as it is

It is tempting to look at history and behaviour trends when you are having to mediate fights. If one child is often mischievous, you may have an inkling that they are at the root of most conflict. However, each situation should be taken at face value, and each child given a chance to put forwward their opinion.

Take time for you if you need it

There are so many things that we need to look after, it is easy to forget to look after ourselves. To be able to stay calm, we need to remember to prioritise self-care.

If the fighting gets too much, there is no shame at all in asking your children to go into separate calm calm-down spaces for a few minutes and play quietly so that you can breathe. In fact, making sure that they are safe while you take time to self-regulate is great parenting.

A final note

It is hard when our children fight, but hang in there. Parenting can be a gritty and messy journey, but by making it through we will teach our children about perseverance.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Engelmann, Jan M., and Michael Tomasello. “Children’s Sense of Fairness as Equal Respect.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 23, no. 6, June 2019, pp. 454–463, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2019.03.001.

Mentally Healthy Schools. “Attachment and Child Development : Mentally Healthy Schools.” Mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk, 2019, www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/mental-health-needs/attachment-and-child-development/.

Pendley, Jennifer. “Sibling Rivalry (for Parents) – KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2016, kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html.

“The Pillar of Fairness.” Madison.rbusd.org, madison.rbusd.org/apps/pages/index.jsp?uREC_ID=935514&type=d&pREC_ID=1267716.

“What Is Fair?” BBC Bitesize, 2020, www.bbc.co.uk/teach/school-radio/articles/zwxcvwx. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

“When Siblings Won’t Stop Fighting – Child Mind Institute.” Child Mind Institute, 5 Feb. 2025, childmind.org/article/when-siblings-wont-stop-fighting/#forget-fair. Accessed 28 Apr. 2025.

Taking time to garden with a child can create an opportunity to bond. Even if you do not have outside garden space, there are indoor plant projects that you can embark on.

Why garden with your child?

Gardening with your child is a lot of fun, but it also has other benefits.

Spending time connecting with nature and being surrounded by plants and earth has been proven to improve emotional regulation and well-being.

Gardening also develops a wide range of essential skills, such as fine motor control through planting little seeds and patience as they water plants daily, waiting for them to grow.

It can be educational in a natural and fun way, as children learn about different types of plants, and meet a variety of creepy crawlers in the dirt they are digging.

As you garden with your child, there will be time to chat. Children are more likely to open up and talk about their feelings if they are busily engaged in an activity alongside you.

How to garden with your child

Gardening with your child will be a different experience for each family. How you approach it will depend on the space you are working with, as well as the age and development of your child.

Here are a few ideas.

• Invest in a planting box for them to work with. Spend time in a garden centre looking for seeds or plants to fill it with. Remember to teach them how to check the information on the label to see if the plant will grow well in the area they are working with. Here is a guide to layering a planting box to save money on soil.
• Create your own vegetable patch. Growing vegetables from scratch is a great way to encourage children to eat healthier. A lot of vegetables do well if you grow them into seedlings inside first, and then plant out once they have grown a little.
• Download an app, like PlantNet, to help children learn about different plants. PlantNet allows you to take photos of plants, and it will tell you what they are likely to be from either the leaf shape or the flower. This can be a game changer when children first have a go at weeding.
• Start a sunflower-growing race with your neighbours. Buy a pack of sunflower seeds and pass them out to the houses around you. See who can grow the tallest sunflower.
• Experiment with scents as well as visual experiences. Lavender, roses, herbs; there are so many great-smelling plants that you can place around the garden to give children an aromatic experience outside. You could put a little bench near a lavender bush for a calm-down spot.
• Make a wildlife haven. From birdboxes to hedgehog dens, there are a plethora of projects that you can embark on to invite a little wild into your garden. If you are short on space, perhaps try an insect home.
• Invest in a wildlife camera to see the comings and goings of critters around you. There are I-spy bird or wildlife checklists that you can download to add a little challenge.

Indoor plant projects to try if you don’t have a garden

If you don’t have a garden, there are still plant projects that you can embark on.

• Grow herbs or chilli plants in a pot on your windowsill. Both are great indoor pot projects. They are low maintenance and can be used to flavour a variety of dishes.
• Use an old jar or glass vase to build a terrarium. Here is a great how to guide.. Terrariums are beautiful and fun to personalise. Try using coloured stones or use a hanging planter to mix it up.
• Could you place bird feeders outside your window? There are feeders which can suction to your glass, which means this is an option even if you live in an apartment. Just remember to stay safe when placing it.
• Embrace the world of indoor plants. Houseplants brighten any space. They are also proven to support health. When plants were put in the room of hospital patients, pain tolerance improved. If you want a fun craft project, get your little one to help decorate a pot for your new plant.

A final note

Whether it’s indoor plant projects or getting muddy in the garden, embrace the adventure. Let your little ones get creative and have fun.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Works Cited

olver, Charlotte. “Wellbeing Benefits of Gardening for Children.” Www.rhs.org.uk, 2024, www.rhs.org.uk/garden-inspiration/get-gardening/wellbeing-benefits-of-gardening-for-children.

RHS. “Houseplants: To Support Human Health.” Www.rhs.org.uk, 2023, www.rhs.org.uk/plants/types/houseplants/for-human-health.

Children and mobile phones is a topic that causes a lot of controversy. Are they bad and dangerous or important for safety?

According to a survey by Offcom, almost a quarter of children between five and seven years old have a mobile phone.

You may, quite rightly, be horrified by that statistic. A five-year-old does not need a mobile phone. Nor does a seven-year-old.

The correct age, however, is a question that many are still asking.

What is the right age?

There is no set age that experts agree on as being right for a child to have a phone.

Many suggest looking at the child’s maturity and ability to handle responsibility.

For example, if your child has not yet learnt to look after their things, then you may not want to give them an expensive phone.

More importantly, can you trust your child to follow instructions and communicate openly with you?

As well as considering the when, think about the why. Would a phone be a means of enabling independence and communication? Independence and communication are great reasons. If it is less about connecting your child with the world and more about keeping them distracted, look for other distractions and leave the mobile phone for another time.

Children and Mobile Phones: The Bad

Many adults rely on their mobile phones. However, there is a lot of press about the danger of giving children a phone too early.

There are many reasons. Let’s look at a few of the main ones.

• Mobile phones open children up to social media. Social media, if not handled correctly, can harm a child’s mental health.

As children begin to move from childhood to adulthood, they will be looking to work out who they are and their place in the world. The perfection that is idolised on social media may make them feel inadequate.

• The unmitigated influence of influencers can be a concern. Through platforms like TikTok, internet celebrities can influence your child for good or bad.

Not all influencers are bad, but not all are good. Children have not fully developed critical thinking skills. They are also entering an age where they seek acceptance from their peers over their parents. This can make them vulnerable to negative influences and unhealthy or dangerous trends.

• Cyberbullying is another real danger.

Of course, real bullying is terrible. Cyberbullying is no better. Through mobile phones, bullies can get to children wherever they are, meaning that home ceases to be a haven from the nastiness.

• Increased screen time can have a negative impact on physical health and mental health.

As children spend more time on their phones, they spend less time engaging in other activities, such as sports, games and hobbies. This not only impacts physical health, as they exercise less, but also mental health, as they spend less time being creative and exploring their passions.

More time looking at a screen can also have a negative impact on sleep and eating patterns.

• Social connection and a sense of belonging is a fundamental need for all humans. Having a strong connection with family and friends helps keep a child socially , physically and emotionally well.

Although mobile phones can sometimes be used as a mode of connection, they can also cause disconnect. You see this when children go out for a meal with family and spend the time hiding behind a screen rather than talking. Mobile phones can create situations where people are together physically, yet each isolated in their own world.

Children and Mobile Phones: The Good

Despite the bad press, many children are still given mobile phones. Why? Is it just that parents are getting soft? Or worse still, are parents looking for ways to keep their children quiet and out of the way?

I don’t believe that is the case. There are many more positive reasons why children may be given a mobile phone.

• Independence and freedom become vital as our children age and mature. A mobile phone can allow an older child to do more things, like walk to the shops, or walk home from school alone, whilst still being able to reach out to a grown up if they need to.

In days gone by, children did these things without a mobile phone. However, it is still safer, and sometimes just useful for them to have a way to stay in touch.

Local communities have changed a great deal in the last few decades. People rarely know most people in their area or even on their street. When children get invited to a friend’s house, there is a good chance you won’t know the parents. It can be tempting to want to keep our children safe and at home, but that is not good for their social well being or mental health.

Making sure that they have a way to call or text you if they feel unsafe, can make letting go easier

• Communication and connection are as important for our children and young people as they are for us.

There is no denying that spending face-to-face time with others is better than connecting digitally, but with the pressures of modern life, it is hard for people to meet as often as they would like.

Allowing your child to connect through text, calls or messages to friends and family members can help them bond with the important people in their world.

If your child is using a phone for this purpose, it is important to teach them phone etiquette and ensure that controls are in place so they are only connecting with people you know and trust.

• Education used to be grounded in paper and ink. That is no longer the case. There are a lot of ways that a mobile phone or tablet can aid learning.

If your child wants to practise spelling or maths, there are apps and online games that they can use. Online articles and videos are available covering a multitude of topics. Some children will enjoy reading online news and learning about what is happening in the world around them.

• When our children reach adulthood, they will have a mobile phone. Letting your older child have one when they are still under your care allows you to teach them digital responsibility and moderation.

Using parent control apps and with clear phone rules, you can help your child to develop a healthy attitude to technology. In time you can support them in learning to use their phone in ways that make them happy and more connected, rather than it being something negative in their life.

Sims and control apps for children

If you are on the fence about getting a phone for your child, a child-friendly sim might be a good idea.

ParentShield are a fantastic option. The SIM records all calls and messages. This is a contentious feature, as some parents worry about invading privacy. It is important to let your child know that their communication is being recorded. The recordings can be referred to when you have cause for concern.

If you choose ParentShield, make sure that you opt for one of the plans that includes data so that you can keep an eye on location.

Another option is to use a regular SIM but download a parental control app, which helps you control your child’s phone usage.

A final note

The choice to get a mobile phone for your child is not always a bad one. If you do decide to take the leap, make sure that you are aware of the risks and create healthy boundaries around its use.

Ensure that you have a healthy structure of discipline in place so you can calmly enforce the boundaries that you believe are healthy and safe.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

Cook, Amanda Barnes. “Connection and Disconnection: Parenting with Smartphones.” Respectful Parent, 14 Aug. 2014, respectfulparent.com/connection-and-disconnection-parenting-smartphones/. Accessed 2 Apr. 2025.

Herbert, Edward. “Should Children Have Mobile Phones? | the Children’s Society.” Childrenssociety.org.uk, 18 Dec. 2024, www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/blogs/should-children-have-mobile-phones.

Lyness PHD, D’Arcy. “How Can Social Connection Help Kids & Teens Feel Less Lonely? (for Parents).” Kidshealth.org, Oct. 2023, kidshealth.org/en/parents/social-connection.html.

Miller, Caroline . “When Should You Get Your Kid a Phone?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/when-should-you-get-your-kid-a-phone/.

Purebred Marketing. “8 Reasons Why You Should Give Your Kid a Phone.” COSMO Technologies, Inc., 23 Feb. 2024, cosmotogether.com/blogs/news/8-reasons-why-you-should-give-your-kid-a-phone?srsltid=AfmBOoqEmhlK6azzbH-WWVuEDv2Z8zT_iGiPbrtLouNopIWhX9gPrbEr. Accessed 3 Apr. 2025.

“The Importance of Play and Social Connections in Early Child Development – London School of Childcare Studies.” London School of Childcare Studies, 8 Oct. 2024, childcarestudies.co.uk/blog/the-importance-of-play-and-social-connections-in-early-child-development/.

Vallance, Chris, and Philippa Wain. “Ofcom: Almost a Quarter of Kids Aged 5-7 Have Smartphones.” BBC News, 18 Apr. 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-68838029.

When looking at how to fix separation anxiety in children, it is important to understand the root cause of the anxiety. By understanding what our children are feeling, and why, we become better equipped to be able to support them through their tricky moments, and help them to come out stronger.

What causes separation anxiety in young children?

The first thing it is important to know is that separation anxiety is normal. Between the ages of six months and three years old, most children will exhibit signs of separation anxiety in some form.

As babies grow, they are constantly learning. One big development is the understanding that things and people still exist when they are not right there. They now know that although Mummy walked into a different room, she is still somewhere. This understanding with their limited knowledge of things like time, or schedules, can cause children to panic when they are left by their primary caregivers. They know the person they rely on for everything is somewhere, but they don’t know where.

Although it can be a difficult stage to navigate, remember that children have separation anxiety because they feel safe with their carers. Before we look at how to fix it, know that you must have already been doing something right to have become your child’s safe place.

How to fix separation anxiety in young children?

Separation anxiety is something that all young children will go through, and sometimes older children too. there is no quick fix. Although there is comfort in knowing it is a natural stage that will pass, it can be exhausting. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help your child through this.

• Make the separations gradual. Try asking a friend to come watch your little one, and start by letting them play with your child with you in the room, then pop out for a few minutes. Slowly increase the amount of time that you are gone. As this progresses your child will learn that you always come back.
• Smile when you are saying goodbye. Walking away from your baby while they are crying can be heartbreaking. You might find that you want to cry, too. However, babies and toddlers are social learners. They will learn the most from their primary caregivers. If they see that you are upset when you leave, it reinforces the idea that something is wrong.
• Routines can help your baby or toddler understand what is happening and predict what will happen next. Creating a routine that you consistently stick to when you leave your child and pick them up can help ground them.
• Give them your full focus before you leave and when you return. It is never fun when your toddler has a meltdown at drop-off, but try to leave on a good note. This will help your child feel secure in their bond with you.

Separation anxiety disorder in children

Sometime separation anxiety can be more intense or prolonged. This is called separation anxiety disorder. It can be a sign of other worries or poor mental health.

Causes of separation anxiety disorder in children

Although a child’s environment and experiences can cause separation anxiety disorder, a child’s biology is also a factor.

A child’s hormones help to control different neurological and physical functions throughout their body. An imbalance of two hormones, norepinephrine and serotonin, can make a child more prone to anxiety.

This means, that if your child is naturally more anxious, it may just be the way their brain is wired. It is worth thinking about environmental factors too. If there are big life changes or stresses your child may need extra support.

How to support a child with separation anxiety disorder

• Teach coping mechanisms. There are lots of great recourses that offer a plethora of coping strategies you can teach your child to use when they are feeling anxious. Here is a list of coping strategies from Barnados, which you may find helpful.
• Don’t avoid situations that your child finds difficult. Of course, you may want to take small steps. At times, you may choose to give your child some downtime rather than pushing them. However, don’t let their anxiety completely control what you do and don’t do. If your child is anxious about being left, and you don’t leave them, they will remain convinced that being separated from you means something bad will happen. Being separated from you is imperative for them to understand that separation is okay, and that they can handle it.
• Keep your word. Anxious children often worry about whether their parents will come back. If you have a history of keeping your word, your child will trust you to pick them up again as promised. If you are running late for a pick up, it is worth calling or emailing the carer or teacher so that they can explain to your child.
• Try to anticipate situations that your child may find difficult. Talk them through what to expect and what they should do. Make sure they know the adults are there that they can turn to for help if needed.
• Remember to look after yourself. Having a child who will not leave your side can be exhausting. To be strong for them, it is important that you care for yourself.

When to seek help

Like some people, you may feel that there is a stigma around poor mental health. You may be nervous about seeking outside help, but there is no reason to be.

If separation anxiety is impacting your child’s ability to do daily tasks, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone. There are people trained to work with children who are struggling with anxiety and other mental health issues. The sooner we acknowledge that it is okay to need support sometimes, the better for all of our children.

Where to get help

There are a few different places that provide support for parents trying to fix separation anxiety disorder in their children. Although there may not be quick, or easy solutions, they may be able to support you and your child, and help move things in the right direction.

• School: Most schools have workers who are trained to support children who are struggling with things like anxiety. They can also help to connect you with other charities or organisations who may be able to help.
• Local doctors surgery: General practitioners are able to support mental, as well as physical, health. They may not offer hands on help, but should be able to refer you to someone who can.
• Help lines: If you search on the internet, you are likely to find both local and national help lines that are able to provide support to children and young people who are struggling with issues like anxiety.

A final note

As we have discussed, a certain amount of separation anxiety in children is normal, and will usually fix itself in time. If your child is struggling and it is impacting their life in a negative way, or just not improving, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. We all need support sometimes.

Separation anxiety isn’t easy, but hang in there. This too will pass.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Cleveland Clinic. “Hormones: What They Are, Function & Types.” Cleveland Clinic, 23 Feb. 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22464-hormones.

Contributing, Taylor,. “Separation Anxiety in Toddlers.” What to Expect, WhattoExpect, 15 Nov. 2016, www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-behavior/toddler-separation-anxiety.aspx#causes. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025.

Goldstein, Clark. “What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/.

Mayo Clinic. “Separation Anxiety Disorder.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 5 Apr. 2021, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/separation-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20377455.

NHS. “Separation Anxiety.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/.

“Older Kids and Separation Anxiety: How It Happens and What to Do | Riley Children’s Health.” Www.rileychildrens.org, www.rileychildrens.org/connections/older-kids-and-separation-anxiety-how-it-happens-and-what-to-do.

Swanson, Wendy. “How to Ease Your Child’s Separation Anxiety.” HealthyChildren.org, 29 July 2021, www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx.

Watson, Renee. “Separation Anxiety Disorder in Children.” Www.nationwidechildrens.org, 1 Mar. 2023, www.nationwidechildrens.org/conditions/health-library/separation-anxiety-disorder-in-children.

Zara Jethani. “The Impact of Hormone Imbalances on Neurological Health and Memory – Pacific Neuroscience Institute.” Pacific Neuroscience Institute, 12 July 2024, www.pacificneuroscienceinstitute.org/blog/brain-health/the-impact-of-hormone-imbalances-on-neurological-health-and-memory/.