If I had heard people talking about how to survive children’s birthday parties before I was a mother, I would have thought them miserable.

What could be more lovely than children’s birthday parties? Who asks how to survive something so joyful?

You may find the first few parties are indeed wonderful. They are too young to have friends, so the guest list consists of your friends and family. All your favourite people come and enjoy the cuteness of your toddler.

The dynamic changes, however, when a child starts school.

Now your child has friends, so the guest list includes a lot more little people, along with parents you don’t know. There will be children who don’t know how to behave kindly or struggle to do so. There will be parents who are likewise afflicted.

If it isn’t your party, or if you are catering to please the little people, there will likely be sugar. When sugar mixes with excited children the result is the same as when you put a mint into cola. That is, explosive and messy.

Then there are gifts. Buying gifts for children you don’t know is difficult. Receiving gifts for your child isn’t always fun either. Even if they aren’t gifted glitter or slime-making kits, you have to make room for new toys, some of which you know they will never play with.

So are children’s birthday parties just something we have to survive, or can we find ways to make them fun, or at least peaceful?

How to survive children’s parties as a guest

As a guest, there is less pressure on you. At the very worst it is a few hours sitting in a noisy room, making nice to other parents.

Here are a few tips to help you, when your child starts getting invited to parties.

Gifts

The truth is, it is okay not to spend a fortune on gifts. If you are struggling financially don’t feel pressured to pay out silly amounts. Especially as there are likely to be multiple parties over the year. A fiver in a card is plenty.

If you do want to get gifts rather than cash, it is sometimes worth having a go-to gift for each year, that you buy for every party. That way you only have to think about it once, and all other parties you have a gift idea ready.

My favourite go-to gift was a pocket microscope. However, you can tailor it to your child’s age and the common interests in their group.

Behaviour

As we have already discussed, excitement and sugar can be a dangerous combination. A lot of birthday parties are awash with both. Even if your child is normally well-behaved, they may struggle to make the right choices amid the hullaballoo of a party.

Of course, children are still learning, and messy moments cannot be avoided. To give your child the best chance of making good choices, remind them of behaviour expectations.

Talk to them about food choices, too. It isn’t easy when there is an array of sugar and other children are just dabbing in. A little moderation and some balancing out with savoury can help your child avoid a big sugar high and low.

Can I drop and run?

It is a beautiful thing, when children are old enough to have drop-off parties. However, there will often be times when you aren’t sure if it’s drop-off or if parents are expected to stay. The safest option is always to expect to stay unless it is specifically stated that the party is drop-off, or unless there is a pickup time indicated. If the invite just has the time the party ends plan to stay.

If you are able, offer to help the parent who is hosting. Extra hands to cut cakes, pour juice or dole out party bags are often welcome. As well as modelling kindness to your child, when you help you get to know other parents a little more.

Can I bring a sibling?

Not every parent has childcare to fall back on. For those with multiple children, this can make taking one to a party difficult.

If you need to bring a sibling, ask the hosting parent in advance, and be sure to offer to pay for any costs, or be clear that your other child will be sat to the side watching.

If your child isn’t invited

It is hard to stand in line and watch a child handing out invites pass over your child. It is harder when the child hosting the party is someone your child counts as a friend. I have been there. It pulls a little at your heartstrings when you see the disappointment in your child’s face.

If you struggled socially when you were little it can cut a little deeper. You might relive the times that you were left out when you were a child, and begin to fear you have that your child will go through the same pain.

The thing is, parenting isn’t about shielding your child from difficult moments. Rather it is about helping them cope with them. Children are constantly learning. Use moments like this to help them learn things that are healthy and true.

When your child isn’t invited, let them feel sad. Remind them that everyone is left out sometimes and that is ok. Things aren’t always fair. Keep teaching them to be kind and true to who they are. Most of all trust that they will develop resilience and perspective in time. For these traits to develop it is important they experience rejection at some point.

It’s ok to say no

If your child is in a class where everyone gets invited to every party, it is okay to say no occasionally. You do not need an excuse to say “no.” The need for downtime, self-care, and time at home is real. If you go to 20 children’s birthday parties within a year, it will become about how to survive rather than having fun.

How to survive children’s parties as a host

Planning children’s parties can be fun, but a little stressful at times. Let’s look at a few ways that you can survive children’s birthday parties as a host.

Does it need to be a party?

In the first few years of school, there will be lots of children’s birthday parties for your child to enjoy, and you to survive. Naturally, your child will likely want one too. However, older children are often just as happy doing something fun with their best friends. When there are just a few children to cater for there are so many more activities that you can do, and even with a fancier activity, the price will go down.

It may be worth offering them the choice between a party and a few different activities that you know they would like with one or two friends.

Guest list

Some schools require you to invite the whole class, but if you have the freedom to invite less be kind. Inviting nearly the whole class and leaving out two or three children can cause a lot of hurt for those few left out.

If you are planning a larger party but don’t want to invite everyone, perhaps stick to the children that your child often plays with so there is a natural cutoff.

It is perfectly fine to mix worlds if your child has friends from school, clubs and beyond. Most children are naturally sociable, and love making new friends.

Sending out invitations

Sometimes your only option is to hand out invitations in the class line. It can be worth checking with the class teacher however, as sometimes they are willing to pop invitations into bags for you.

Include an RSVP by date, your details and any requirements that the venue may have.

Since you will probably send the invites out a few weeks in advance, a text the week before checking for any dietary requirements can remind any parents who might have forgotten about the party.

Gift Bags

There are so many fun and original alternatives to cheap plastic toys and sweets for gift bags.

Here are a few ideas:

• Quiet night in theme, with silly socks (from a multipack to keep it to budget), a book and a hot chocolate sachet.
• Ask your child to make a beaded friendship bracelet with each friends name and put it in a little bag with lip gloss and a little hand cream.
• Soft toy adoption- get little teddies or other cuddles for each child with adoption certificates.
• Check out websites where you can buy books in bulk on a budget and wrap one up for each child with their name on it
• Buy each child something to take home and personalise. There are a lot of options out there. Make your own mug kit; build a birdhouse kit etc.
• Find pretty pots and packs of seeds for the children to grow their own flowers at home

Uninvited guests

Whilst it is a good idea to have a spare party bag in case someone forgets to RSVP, you do not need to cater for any uninvited siblings who show up. If you can afford it and you choose to, that is kind, but if your budget doesn’t allow it, it isn’t your responsibility.

You do not have to be confrontational, just be clear. “I’ve prebooked the party children, but if Sally’s sister wants to play too, you can book her in over there. There should be menus too, if you want to order her some food.”

Or, if there isn’t the option to add on children, “I’m afraid the venue is pre-book only, but it will be lovely having Sally’s sister hanging out with us grown-ups today.”

Catering

There are venues that will cater for you, which can take a lot of the pressure off you. Most venues will cater to dietary requirements also.

If you are catering, here are a few options:

• Put out rolls and fillings, along with a few bits to go on the side and let the children make their own sandwich. This is better for older children, who can do more independently.
• Order in pizza. Sometimes simple.
• To reduce waste, make snack boxes. List sandwich fillings on the invite for guests to choose ahead, and make a box for each child with a sandwich, and a few other snacks.
• Make your own pizza. I know, I have listed pizza twice. Pizza is usually popular, and easy to prep. If you are hosting the party at home, prep some pizza bases and let the children add sauce, cheese and topping. Remember to write the child’s name on the baking parchment next to their creation. You will probably have to bake in batches and use foil to keep warm.
• Prep a few different types of pasta and a few different sauces and let the children fill their bowls with their favourites. Although this can be fun, it does require cooking during the party so you might want helpers if you are going this way. Be sure to drizzle the plain pastas with a little bit of olive oil to stop them sticking.
• Roast vegetable salad bar. Just joking. If you get 20 six-year-olds to eat a roast vegetable salad, you are my hero.

Just make sure that you label any allergens clearly if you have a child with dietary requirements.

Depending on budget, you might want to lay out a few snacks and drinks for the adults too, but you don’t have to.

Cake

If you enjoy baking, making your child’s birthday cake can be so much fun, but don’t ever feel guilty if you aren’t able to.

An easier option is to buy a store-bought cake and then personalise it with your own toppings. This could be adding your child’s favourite candy, or using toy figurines to make it themed.

If you are on a tight time limit, cutting and wrapping up cake slices may be difficult. Another option is to pre-wrap cupcakes and take the main cake home as is.

Gifts

I would advise against opening gifts at a party. Firstly, because children can be candid in their reactions. If they love one gift and dislike another they may not be as subtle as we would hope. Secondly, there is the possibility that other children will try to play with their new toys which can lead to tears.

It is safer by far to open gifts after the party, and then either text thank yous, or videos of your child saying thank you to the givers.

If you are hosting the party at a venue be sure to take bags to carry gifts home in.

Final note

There will be a certain amount of stress associated with children’s birthday parties, but you can do more than survive, you can have fun. Or at least enjoy watching your child have fun.

When you teach your child about hygiene, you will probably find that the challenge isn’t showing them how to stay clean. Children are smart, and understand from an early age how teeth brushing, hand soap, and showers work.

The main problem you are likely to encounter is how to teach your child the importance of hygiene. They might know how to shower, or bathe, but they showered already this month, so do they really need to do it again?

Even more so, if you can convince them that being clean is good, motivating them to engage regularly in daily hygiene tasks can be difficult. Knowing how to use a toothbrush is great. Few children race remember every morning and evening.

Why do children avoid basic hygiene tasks?

Most adults like to be clean. Even more so, we don’t want to smell bad. It can be hard to understand how children are so lackadaisical about washing.

So why doesn’t your child like hygiene tasks, and can you teach them to enjoy caring for their bodies?

There are many reasons that children may avoid hygiene tasks. Sometimes it could be related to sensory dislikes, such as not liking the taste of toothpaste, or how cold the bathroom is when they undress for a shower. Often, however, it is just that there are more exciting things to do. There are games to play or pictures to draw. Washing their hands or taking a shower might seem like a chore.

Motivation to stay clean

Adults have a variety of reasons to stay clean. We understand the social ramifications of leaving the house when we are stinky or have dirty clothes. Some of us know people who have lost teeth due to poor oral care, so we have learnt, through observation, the importance of brushing our teeth. We also are good at forward thinking. We know how nice it feels to have just had a shower, or how yucky it feels to wake up in the morning if you haven’t brushed your teeth the night before.

Understanding of socially accepted behaviour, consequences for actions, and logical forward thinking are not skills that your child will have fully developed yet. This means that we need to help them to find the motivation to stay clean.

Reward-based learning

You can encourage this motivation by using rewards-based learning. The great news is your child’s brain is set up to learn this way.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean they get a prize every time they wash their hands. Rather, it is helping them find pleasure in the activity itself. If a child enjoys an activity, or finds pleasure in an act, or the outcome of an act, the brain will release dopamine. Dopamine helps your child’s brain to associate the action with a good feeling. This can help to motivate them to repeat the action. The neurological system in the brain that regulates this reward response is called the mesolimbic system. It can be used to help teach your child motivation for good hygiene.

The problem is that it relies on the child enjoying the hygiene tasks. Often they don’t. On their own, things like washing hands, brushing teeth and washing their face can be boring. To use the mesolimbic system, we need to get creative and add a little fun.

How to teach your child hygiene through fun

If you make hygiene tasks fun in themselves, it will be easier to motivate your child. Of course, there are things that they will have to do, that are not fun at all. This doesn’t mean your child only does things that they enjoy. However, if there is a fun way of doing something, embrace it.

Here are a few ideas:

• Put on a favourite song during shower time, and see if your child can wash their body and hair before the song is up.
• When they are changing for a bath or shower, put the laundry basket just outside the bathroom and challenge them to throw their clothes into the basket.
• Put a 30-second timer on while they are washing their hands, and see how many different animals they can list before the time is up.
• Make teeth brushing part of a silly challenge. You could have a buzzer or silly noise you play on your phone. When it goes, the children have to race to do 3 challenges. For example, brush their teeth for two minutes, do 3 star jumps and finish by picking up toys off their bedroom floor. Just a note on this one, racing against each other might end up in fights. It is often simpler to race children against the clock.

Stack Habits with fun

Some tasks your child will not enjoy, however creative you get with them. You can still use fun or pleasure to instill these habits, but you may have to stack them.

Perhaps your child hates showers. You have tried music, games, and many other things. Nothing will change their mind. If you can’t make the shower fun or pleasurable, stack the habit of the shower with a fun reward after. It could be that you heat a towel on a radiator and as soon as they are out you wrap them up and read them a story while they dry. Maybe they don’t like washing their hands, but you let them use nice hand lotion after.

In time, the understanding that the disliked task will become associated with the reward they get from completing it, and they may find it easier to tolerate.

How to teach your child independence with hygiene

Independence in a child is linked with better mental health, increased confidence and motivation. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, to begin with, giving little ones independence is also slower and messier. It takes time for children to be able to perform hygiene tasks on their own, but with a little patience, they will get there.

Teach your child independent hygiene through scaffolding

There are things that your child can do independently, things that they can do with support and other things they can’t fathom being able to do yet. Scaffold learning is about bridging that gap by working in the zone of proximal development, a fancy way of saying working on things that they can do with support.

https://trainingexpress.org.uk/personal-hygiene-for-kids/To teach your child hygiene through scaffolding, look for little things that they might be able to do with your help. Then start by talking to them while you do the task, narrating what you are doing and why. It might be how you squeeze the right amount of toothpaste onto the brush, or why you are checking if their clothes are clean before they leave the house. Then let them have a go with you by their side. In time they will have that new skill under their belt, and you can move onto a new one. Here are some basic hygiene skills that you can teach to your child.

They will probably need support at the start, and things that are obvious to you won’t be to them.

Remember to aim for progress and not perfection. Be realistic about the fact that it will be messy for a little bit while they learn, and that is okay.

Teach your child hygiene through routine

Routines are fantastic for children. They give a child predictability, but also independence. Children understand what they are expected to do, and when they are expected to do it.. This means that they can do what they need to do, with confidence.

Of course, you don’t need to regiment your whole day. Instead, create pockets of routines for specific times. Wake up routines, and bedtime routines are great ones to add, as well as things like routines for leaving the house, or for before meals.

When you are building routines, keep them simple, and easy to remember.

Offer choice

As adults we often have preferences in regards to soaps, lotions, toothpastes and so on. Where possible, offer your child a choice too. This can help them feel involved, and therefore more motivated in the process. With so many hygiene products on the market it may be easier to ask them to choose between two or three scents, or products so your child isn’t overwhelmed.

You can also offer other choices, such as bath or shower. If they choose bath, do they want bubbles, toys or both.

Children have very little control or agency over their lives. You can’t ever give them complete control. You need to ensure that they are healthy, safe and clean. There is room within those parameters, however, to give them choice.

If your child has a sense of control, they are more likely to engage, thrive and succeed. This an outcome I am sure that you want.

A Final note

Although children don’t naturally crave hygiene, with support they can be taught the how, and the why, of looking after their bodies and staying clean.

It will be frustrating at times. Hang in there. The messy moments will pass. Be patient with them, and have a little fun along the way.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

“America’s ToothFairy – 8 Tips and Tricks to Make Brushing Teeth Fun.” Americastoothfairy.org, 2024, www.americastoothfairy.org/news/8-tips-and-tricks-to-make-brushing-teeth-fun. Accessed 12 Mar. 2025.

Arnall, Judy. “When Do Children Understand “Consequences?”” Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, Judy Arnall – Parenting the Digital Generation, 18 Feb. 2019, judyarnall.com/2019/02/18/when-do-children-understand-consequences/.

Cerino, Anna. “The Importance of Recognising and Promoting Independence in Young Children: The Role of the Environment and the Danish Forest School Approach.” Education 3-13, vol. 51, no. 4, 8 Nov. 2021, pp. 685–694, www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468, https://doi.org/10.1080/03004279.2021.2000468.

Hämmerer, Dorothea, and Ben Eppinger. “Dopaminergic and Prefrontal Contributions to Reward-Based Learning and Outcome Monitoring during Child Development and Aging.” Development Psychology, vol. 48, no. 3, 2012, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027342. Accessed 10 Mar. 2025.

Health Direct. “Personal Hygiene for Children.” Healthdirect.gov.au, Healthdirect Australia, 2019, www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene-for-children.

“Hygiene for Toddlers and Children.” Www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, www.cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/hygiene-for-toddlers-and-children/.

Levine, Alexandra, and Laura Philips. “How to Build Independence in Preschoolers.” Child Mind Institute, 2022, childmind.org/article/how-to-build-independence-in-preschoolers/.

Lewis, Robert G., et al. “The Brain’s Reward System in Health and Disease.” Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, vol. 1344, no. 1344, 2021, pp. 57–69, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-81147-1_4.

Mitton, Betty L., and Dale B. Harris. “The Development of Responsibility in Children.” The Elementary School Journal, vol. 54, no. 5, Jan. 1954, pp. 268–277, https://doi.org/10.1086/458585.

NHS. “Hygiene.” Cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk, 2024, cambspborochildrenshealth.nhs.uk/child-development-and-growing-up/hygiene/.

Parents League of New York. “Children Need a Sense of Control.” Parents League of New York, 31 Mar. 2020, www.parentsleague.org/blog/children-need-sense-control.

“Why We Should Give Kids More Control over Their Lives and How to Do It.” Www.debbieausburn.com, www.debbieausburn.com/post/why-we-should-give-kids-more-control-over-their-lives-and-how-to-do-it.

Willard, Dr Marcy. “Hygiene in Childhood – Marcy Willard PhD.” Marcy Willard PhD, 25 Oct. 2024, marcywillardphd.com/hygiene-in-childhood/.

Today we will be examining if children can understand the difference between lies and their imagination. If they do, from what age?

We all want our little ones to be truthful. It is important, however, to ensure that our expectations match their development. So let’s look at what cognitive developments may be in play?

The difference between reality and imagination

Before we ask if children understand the difference between lies and imagination, we need to ask if they understand the difference between reality and imagination. This is important, because if a child does not know that what they are saying is not factual, it follows that they are not intentionally lying.

Evidence shows that a child’s perception of reality versus fantasy develops significantly throughout the preschool years and is solidified during their school years.

At the age of two, the line between reality and fantasy is blurry. Toddlers love to pretend play. A stick can be a sword, or a stone a precious gem. Woe to the parent who tries to correct them.

From age three, a child’s understanding of reality is developing, so they will be able to understand more often, what is true and what is pretend. This distinction is not set, however, and they may still get confused at times. Their ability to differentiate fact from fiction will grow as they do.

By the age seven a child is said to enter the logical stage. Of course, not everything a seven-year-old does is logical, which is part of the fun. They can however begin to use logic to work things out, so will develop a clearer understanding of reality.

So to sum up, although an older child can tell the difference between reality and fiction, a younger child may struggle. This can be seen when a young child has a disproportionate response to a television show or book. The stories have become real to them.

How children understand reality

Young children are learning all the time. Facts that we take for granted are revelations to them. They aren’t born knowing things, like that a candle flame is hot. We know it, but left unattended a toddler might come to know this fact the hard way.

As they acquire new information they then try and make sense of it in light of what they already know. So if your little one touches a flame and gets hurt, they may connect that with the fact that they have already learnt, that hurting people is mean. The logical conclusion may then be that the candle is mean.

As well as sometimes making false connections, young children have not yet developed all the skills needed to understand other peoples perspectives and intentions. An example of this is if a friend breaks a favourite toy of theirs. A young child will not ask if it was intentional or accidental. The understanding that intent and desire guide other peoples actions does increase significantly throughout the preschool years, but the ability to fully understand the complexities of other perspectives is something that is still developing into adulthood.

Emotions also play a role in how children understand the world. Children have not yet developed the understanding to be able to adopt a balanced and nuanced view of situations or events. This means that a child’s emotions, combined with their simplistic perception can make them see things in black and white.

Black and White

You may see evidence of this black and white thinking, if your little one had a mishap on an otherwise lovely day out. Perhaps you’ve taken them to the park, they have played with their friends and got treated to an ice cream. Then, in the last five minutes they tripped over and hurt their knee. Up until that moment, they likely thought it was a lovely day. However, the big emotions that hit them when they fell over completely changed their perception of the entire outing. Suddenly, their focus has shifted. The afternoon has been a disaster, and for evidence, they will look back and notice every negative thing that had not bothered them before.

Of course, sometimes it works the other way, and the fun of a situation can override the bad, so that a child will see an afternoon as all positive even if there are moments they didn’t enjoy. This is not absolute, and there are times when young children do see the good and the bad together, but on the whole nuance is something children take a while to acquire.

So, in summary, children’s understanding of reality is something that develops along with them. Imagination can actually help a child to understand the reality around them and fill in the gaps.

Do children understand the difference between lies and imagination

Children as young as three will have a grasp of the concept of lying. It is not uncommon for little ones to lie to try to avoid being in trouble or to get something that they want.

Are there times, however, when children tell lies based on their imagination because they don’t understand the difference? Absolutely. As we have discussed, children’s views of reality can be muddy, and confused with fantasy or daydreaming..

Even when children understand reality, they may find their imaginary world more fun. This does not mean that they are maliciously telling lies. When you hear their tales of the secret bunny who comes and messes up their room while they sleep, or the backflip they did when you weren’t looking, the stories may seem silly. Silliness is part of the fun of children, and it will pass too soon. Do they know that they left the jigsaw pieces all over the floor, not the secret bunny? On some level, of course they do, but the world where a secret bunny is the mischief maker is more exciting.

A blurry line

The line between lies and imagination is not a clear one with little children. In the end it is about intent. Are they trying to hide something for their personal benefit or are they just having fun exploring the world of fantasy? Do they truly misunderstand?

As our little ones grow, they will have a clearer concept of the truth. By the time they are around six years old, they will have a much clearer idea of what reality is. Until then, you can enjoy your little one’s fantasies. Join their world and share the fun. Maybe you could get them to make a sign to remind the secret bunny to be kind and put away toys, because your little one will have to put away any that bunny leaves out. Ask them to draw a picture of the backflip and how their feet “literally touched the ceiling”.

How to help your child tell the truth

Although, there is no harm in your little ones imaginations superseding reality at times, there will also be times where the truth is important.

Help them fact find

As we discussed earlier, sometimes children tell lies because they don’t fully understand reality. Helping the to weigh up what they actually know can be a great learning tool for them.

Spend time discussing the difference between what they know for certain, and what they think they know. Then explore all the possibilities that may be true. You can help them examine different perspectives.

Something that little children are likely to assume is intent. You might hear phrases like, “He knocked over my milk on purpose to be mean!”

You know that the milk spill was a mistake. It does not mean that your child is lying, however. They may truly believe they are the victim of a spill and run with intent. So it is worth helping them examine facts versus assumptions.

Their brothers arm hit the glass of milk and it fell off the table. That much is fact.

That he wanted to spill the milk, is a guess. Can they remember times when they knocked things over by mistake? Did they notice that their brother always moves his arms when he talks? Did they notice that he was looking the other way when the accident happened? How would they feel if they had made a mistake and someone had decided they had meant to do it?

All these questions can help them explore the situation pragmatically, and develop their perception of reality.

Make it easy to be honest

When our children are little the lies that they tell will be usually harmless.

“I didn’t spill my juice. My brother knocked it over.”

“Mummy likes us to have pudding first.”

“Pudding first was Grandmas idea.”

When they are older however, and are facing bigger issues, telling the truth can be much more important. Therefore, if you set the standard early, that honesty will be met with kindness you can create a culture where your children can come to you when they have messed up.

We have a rule in our home. If our children mess up, and tell us honestly what they have done, we will get alongside them and help them fix it. This doesn’t mean that they avoid the consequences of their actions, but we help them navigate the consequences and come out stronger. It means choosing discipline over punishment.

It does not mean that children can get a free pass. If they have made wrong choices they have to make things right again. However, they should never be scared of us.

An example of this could be, your youngest child was saving a cupcake and it magically disappeared. You know it wasn’t magic, especially because your oldest child has blue icing on their cheek.

If they are honest, and you shout at them, guilt them, give them a big punishment, and then spend the week telling your friends over tea at playdates what a little pain in the bum they are there is a strong chance they will not choose to tell the truth again.

Instead, talk to them about how their actions affected their sister and ask them to bake more cakes or use their money to replace the one they stole It would be entirely appropriate to ban screen time or treats until they have fixed this so that they understand it is a priority. Once they have apologised, fixed it, and you know they understand to make better choices in the future, move on.

Role play to increase empathy

Empathy is a skill that is developed throughout childhood, and is therefore usually underdeveloped in little children. Sometimes they may tell a lie because it benefits them, and will not consider how the lie affects other people.

When I was a little girl, about seven years old, I cut my hand playing with scissors. I wasn’t allowed to play with scissors and knew that I would be in trouble, but I couldn’t hide the blood. So, I told my mum that my brother had been playing with scissors and had hurt me. Of course, my brother got a rollicking, and I got sympathy.

You will be glad to know that my conscience got the best of me and I confessed. I confessed to both my brother and mum over a bottle of wine when I was about 27, but still, I did the right thing eventually.

Looking back, it must have been horrid for my brother. He was minding his own business, not even thinking about scissors when he got all the wrath that my actions had incurred.

If you catch your little one telling lies at other people’s expense, get them to take a few minutes sitting and pretending to be the person who was hurt by the lie. Please don’t just leave them there feeling bad though. Sit with them after and talk about the right choices that they can make to fix anything that needs fixing.

Give them the space and time to make the right choice

When children feel threatened or scared, they often make easier choices rather than right choices. They act on impulse, and for survival. This is because, when a child is threatened or scared, the downstairs brain will be in control.

If you are unfamiliar with the concept of the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is an article which describes it in more detail. The basis is that the downstairs brain is the first to develop, and is instinctive, initiating the fight or flight response when threatened. If a child goes into fight or flight, the upstairs brain is no longer in control. This is a problem because the upstairs brain controls skills like empathy, reasoning, and logic, which your child needs to make good choices.

If you catch your child in a lie, and stand over them demanding they tell you the truth right then and there, or else, then the downstairs brain will kick in. Sometimes it may be worth letting your child know that you are aware of the truth, and ask them to come and talk to you by the end of the day. Make sure that there are times to talk with no one else around. As an adult, if we make a mistake or a wrong choice, we have the privacy and space to work it out privately, or one-on-one with anyone else involved. Children deserve this too.

A final note

Although young children do not always understand the difference between lies and imagination, they will do soon enough, so enjoy the days when their world may be a little more whimsical.

Older children do know the difference, but it is still not uncommon for them to lie. When they do, stay calm and kind. Lying is a stage most children go through. If we handle it right, hopefully they will feel safe telling us the truth when they are older and make mistakes.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

Many parents struggle to overcome school avoidance. If it is a battle right now, you are not alone.

The fact that it is a common issue is, sadly, a small consolation when school drop-off is in five minutes and your child refuses to put on their shoes.

Today we will look at some proactive ways that you can work with your child who fights going to school school.

Why children avoid school

Although it looks like defiance, school avoidance is usually a result of anxiety. The cause of the anxiety will vary from child to child, so when overcoming school avoidance it helps to try and work out is upsetting them.

The causes of school-related anxiety could be related to personality clashes with other students or with staff. Perhaps they feel out of depth with the work, or the work is too easy for them. Classrooms are noisy places which some little ones find overwhelming. Separation anxiety can be a factor also.

When you understand the root cause of the issue, you will be in a stronger place to find solutions. Remember, like us, some children may not understand how they feel. Be patient if you don’t get an answer right away. Try talking about different parts of the day, or different aspects of school and help them to explore their emotions.

5 Ways to overcome school avoidance

As we have just discussed, there are different reasons why children may avoid school. Not every one of these solutions will work for every situation. Hopefully one or two will make things a little easier for you.

1. Implement before-school and after-school routines to ground your child

Routines can be grounding and comforting to children, as well as to adults. If they are struggling , adding some structure to the lead up to school can be beneficial.

I would avoid using the screen before school as it can be hard to pull your little one away from it.

It can help to have a buffer between changing into their uniform and walking out the door, so they have a few moments to themselves. You could use these to read to them, let them do some colouring or have a snack.

When they get home, make sure that there are a few moments to decompress. Perhaps set out a few favourite toys and another snack. These moments can help your child to navigate the day and feel a little bit more secure.

2. Ask your teacher to make a visual timetable for your child

School days can be busy, and you little one might feel a little lost in all the going on around them.

Having a visual timetable can help them know what is going to happen throughout the day. This can increase there feeling of security.

Of course things change, and so it is important that your little one knows that these are just things that will probably happen. Reassure them that if things they will be okay.

3. Help them mentally reframe school

It is common for children who are anxious to spend time thinking about their fears or worries. Adults do it too. Although it is a natural response, it can increase fear and anxiety as all of the focus is on the negative.

A simple way to pull them out of this is to help them actively look for positive things about school.

Set them a challenge. Ask them to pay attention throughout the day. Ask them to come home ready to tell you one of the following:

• Something they enjoyed
• Something interesting that they learnt
• Something they did kind
• Something someone else did kind
• Something they are proud of

They receive a point for everything good that they can tell you at the end of the day. 50 points earns a prize. You might want to limit them to 3 things per day, to ensure that they are really noticing and paying attention to what they are saying.

Make sure that they know they can still talk about things that they found sad, scary or hard. It is important to talk about those things too. This is just about balancing the picture a little and helping them see the good things that happen at school.

3. Role play to help them manage situations

If your child is struggling with relationships at school, take some time to role play conversations at home. School exposes children to lots of new personalities and situations. Having ideas of what they can do to navigate them can help them feel equipped and more confident going into the day.

This may mean teaching them how to speak up for themselves or resolve conflict. Sometimes it may be teaching them how to walk away and keep their peace.

It is worth noting that it isn’t always other children that they will struggle with. Sometimes teachers can have very different personalities to the caregivers children have grown up with. Helping them to respectfully ask for help, or explain when things are difficult, can be a great help.

4. Give them a connection point

We are our children’s safe place. When we aren’t there to run to it can be scary. Sometimes a little token can help them feel connected to us throughout the day.

It doesn’t have to be something big. You could make a friendship bracelet to remind them that you are always in their corner. Maybe draw a dot on both of your fingers and tell them to press it when they miss you. Whatever you choose to do, let them know it is a visual sign of the constant truth. You love them, and their connection to you is secure, even if they can’t see you.

5. Calm down meditations

As we discussed before, anxiety is often behind school avoidance. If we overcome their anxiety it will have a big impact.

When their little minds are busy, meditation is a great tool to help them find their peace and quiet their thoughts.

Meditation and mindfulness have been proven to have a positive effect on reducing anxiety and increasing a child’s well-being.

There are mindfulness cards that you can invest in, or guided meditations on YouTube. Teach them how to use mindful breathing to ground themselves throughout the day.

Well-mental has a great video aimed at children

Support for helping children overcome school avoidance

If you have tried everything, but every day is still a battle, there is no shame in asking for help. Working to overcome school avoidance is hard. Teachers or specialised staff at your child’s school are likely to have training that can help.

If you have more than one child, maybe a friend or family would be able to help with the other children’s drop-offs on the messier days.

Many parents will have gone through the same battle, and are likely happy to help.

A final note

When you are trying to overcome school avoidance, it may feel like an uphill battle. It is emotional, exhausting and frustrating. Remember that it will pass. Remember to look after yourself.

References

Garey, Juliann. “The Power of Mindfulness.” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 2 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/the-power-of-mindfulness/.

Rutherford, Marion, et al. Pupils’ Views on Visual Timetables and Labels in Mainstream Primary Classrooms. 2020.

Wilson, Nina A, et al. “Role of Meditation to Improve Children’s Health: Time to Look at Other Strategies.” Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, vol. 57, no. 2, 20 Nov. 2020, https://doi.org/10.1111/jpc.15275.

Young Minds. “School Anxiety and Refusal | Parents’ Guide to Support.” YoungMinds, 2024, www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/school-anxiety-and-refusal/. Accessed 19 Feb. 2025.

Twinkl.co.uk, 2022, www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/5-benefits-of-visual-schedules-in-the-classroom.

Many mothers will receive advice on breastfeeding, but not how to express breast milk. Expressing breast milk can be incredibly useful.

Juggling breastfeeding with modern life can be difficult. Giving others the ability to feed the baby can take the pressure off the new mum.

For some, breastfeeding is too difficult or painful. Expressing may be the only way to offer breastmilk to their baby.

How to express breast milk

There are three main ways to express breast milk. These are by hand, by manual pump and by electric pump.

Expressing by Hand

Expressing by hand has two main benefits. Firstly, you are not dependent on electricity, so you will have more flexibility about where you pump. Secondly, it is a lot quieter so if you have people in the rooms surrounding you it may feel more comfortable and private.

The downside to hand expressing is that it takes longer, and isn’t as effective at stimulating milk supply as an electric pump.

If you are just trying to remove excess milk, or get your milk flow moving to help your baby to breastfeed then hand expressing can be effective. If you are trying to exclusively express, I would recommend using a pump.

Expressing using a manual pump

Most manual breast pumps are simple to use. They have a handle that you squeeze and release to pump. They are also usually lightweight and quiet, which can be beneficial for pumping out and about. Unfortunately, they are still not as efficient as an electric pump. Again, if you are exclusively expressing, you may want to invest in an electric pump.

Expressing using an electric pump

Electric pumps are noisy, and sometimes, mains-operated meaning you have to sit near a plug to pump. However, they often manage to pump more milk in less time. Some brands are designed to mimic a baby’s suckling in pressure and rhythm. This can help stimulate milk production which will be beneficial in the long term.

As your baby begins to grow they will need more milk. If you are trying to keep up with the increasing demand exclusively by expressing breast milk, how long it takes you to pump can become an issue. An electric pump may reduce this time, and leave you more time to enjoy being with your little one.

How to store breast milk?

You don’t have to use your milk immediately. It can last a little while if stored correctly.

If you are storing your breast milk, you must keep it in a sterile environment. This might be a container that you have sterilised or a milk storage bag. It is important to label your milk, so you know when it was pumped.

In the fridge

The amount of time that you can store breast milk in the fridge will depend on the fridge’s temperature. Here is a guide to checking the temperature of your fridge.

According to the NHS, if your fridge is under 4C you can use it to store breast milk for eight days. If your fridge is over 4C that shortens to three days.

In the freezer

If you have excess breast milk, you can also store it in the freezer. Frozen breast milk is good for up to six months.

You can defrost breast milk overnight in the fridge when you are ready to use. It should defrost in about twelve hours. If you need it a little faster, place it in a bowl of warm water for 20 minutes, or ten minutes under running warm water. If you are using warm water to defrost breast milk, be sure that your container is properly sealed first.

Once it is defrosted the milk can be stored for 24 hours in the fridge.

Out and about

It is true, that breastfeeding is the most convenient method of feeding for when you are out and about. However, with a little pre-planning, you can feed your little one expressed milk on the go, without too much hassle.

Before you take your breast milk out with you, fully chill it in a fridge. You can then store it in a cool bag filled with ice bags for up to 24 hours.

We will look at expressing on the go in more detail further down.

How to exclusively express breast milk for baby

Exclusively expressing breast milk for your little one is doable. Not easy, but doable. If breastfeeding is not possible, but you want to give your little one the benefits of breast milk this may be an option that you want to consider.

I exclusively breast fed for about two weeks. My friend managed for six months, which I think is heroic. Though it is hard, there are ways to make it manageable and find a life away from the pump. Here are a few things I learnt along the way, which I hope will help.

What do you need to get started?

Before you begin, these are the things that are worth investing in if you want to exclusively pump.

• Breast Pump– I would recommend using an electric pump. Medela is always a great brand, as is Philips.
• Steriliser- Sure, you can sterilise a bottle in boiling water, a sterilising machine is a game changer, as you will be pumping and feeding multiple times a day.
• Milk bags and storage containers- The amount your little one feeds will fluctuate from day to day. It is always a good idea to try and accumulate a back up supply. This should be properly stored (see above) and labelled.
• Cool bag and ice packs– Choose something small and portable. I actually used a thermal lunch bag rather than a cool bag, as it fitted in my nappy bag.
• Bottles- You will want at least 6 bottles so that you can sterilise between feeds.
• Notebook and pen- This is to track how much you are feeding and how much baby is drinking.

Some great options for electric pumps

How often to pump?

Your body makes breast milk on demand, so the more that you pump, the more your body will produce. This means that to establish a strong supply, you need to pump at least 8 times a day, though twelve would be ideal.

You should aim to pump at least once between 2am and 5am. This is because the prolactin hormones which facilitate milk production are higher at night.

Mimicking cluster feeding

Cluster feeding is a baby’s way of telling our body that there is not enough milk. They will feed till the milk is down to just a trickle, then come off and go on again a few minutes after. They repeat this pattern for a few hours and our body’s will register that there more milk is needed.

You can mimic this to increase milk production using a method called power pumping.

Power pumping is when you alternate pumping with resting over an hour or two. You can begin with your first pump till your milk has slowed down and you are just getting drips. Stop pumping, and rest for ten minutes. Pump again for ten minutes, then move to five minutes pumping and five minutes resting.

How to juggle pumping and a newborn

The amount of time that you spend pumping can feel overwhelming. Especially when you have a newborn to look after too.

When you are pumping you may find that your baby wants to feed. If you can manage pumping and feeding at the same, that is wonderful, but it is not easy.

Wearable pumps have come along way, but are expensive and not always a perfect solution. You have to be careful not to bend over whilst you are wearing them.

At the end of the day, juggling pumping and childcare is not easy, so be kind to yourself and accept any help that other people may offer.

Pumping out and about

It is possible to express on the go. The increase in the amount of nursing rooms in town centres is a real asset.

If you are visiting friends, it is worth asking ahead if there is somewhere that you can pump for a few minutes. This will give them the chance to clear an area for you if needed.

Milk will keep in a bag with ice blocks for up to 24 hours. Use sterilised bottles to store the milk in your cool bag so it is ready when you need it. It is worth packing a spare sterile teat as a back up.

If you are out long enough to have to pump, and feed more than once, use the pumped milk first. The milk from the fridge will keep for longer as it was chilled when it was put into the cool bag. It is worth having a marker in the bag so that you can label which is fresh milk and which is chilled.

Tracking feeds

With the exhausting blur of new parenthood, it can be difficult to gauge how much baby is drinking and how much you are pumping in comparison. This is something you really need to know. If baby is drinking more milk than you are pumping, acting early to try and increase milk supply can help you stay ahead.

A simple method for this is to use a notebook. Every day log every pump or feed, along with the time and how much baby drank or you pumped. At the end of the day add up the total off each.

Whilst tracking feeds, keep an eye out for patterns. If there is a particular time of day where you are getting less milk, you may want to try power pumping during those hours to increase supply

A final note

Expressing is not easy. Remember that it will not be forever, and hang in there.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

There are so many great books to read to a child. We will only be looking at only a small selection today. Ten children’s books, old and new, that you can share with your little ones.

Choosing age appropriate reads

These books are aimed at a variety of ages and reading levels.

Use trial and error to determine which books your child can understand. Don’t be scared to introduce them to trickier books than they are used to.

If your child is not engaged, it might be because the plot or characters are too complex for where they are right now. Checking in with your child occasionally, and talking about the story, will help you gauge how much they are following.

Whether the content is age-appropriate is a different matter. There is much debate about whether you should censor what your children read. Reading can be a great way for children to begin exploring the bigger topics from a safe distance. Of course, discretion is important. A six-year-old, no matter their reading level, shouldn’t be reading a horror book.

As children age and become more independent, however, allow them to read what they feel they can handle. Keep an open dialogue. Often, a book can offer a gateway to discussing important issues.

Great books to read to your child

There are so many books out there, that I had to limit the scope. Therefore, I have only included chapter books. I have also cheated slightly and listed a few series.

There are of course many amazing shorter books for younger readers. I hope to explore these at a later time.

Recommended age: 5-8 years

This is a beautiful story of kindness and friendship. It tells of a prince, or rather, the statue of one. The prince loves the people of his city, more than his own vanity. With the help of a swallow, he gives all he has to help the poor people he has seen around him.

Written in the late 19th century, the message is still relevant.

It is often published alongside Wilde’s other children’s stories, which are just as beautiful, such as “The Selfish Giant.”

Recommended age: 5-8 years

Jill Tomlinson is probably best known for ‘The Owl Who Was Afraid of the Dark.’ ‘The Cat Who Wanted to Go Home’ is another beautiful story from her animal collection.

The main character, Suzy, lives with a fisherman and his four boys in a little seaside village in France. When she accidentally crosses the channel in a hot air balloon, Suzy will do all it takes to get back home to the family that she loves.

This story would be a great choice for any little animal lover. The short chapters, and little repetitions also make it perfect for younger readers.

Recommended age: 7-10 years

It is impossible to list the greatest children’s books without including something by David Walliams. Walliams is a master at mixing humour with wonderful storytelling.

In ‘The Boy in the Dress’, we meet Dennis. Living with his father and brother, Dennis has to hide his love for fashion. That is till he develops a friendship with Lisa, a want-to-be designer, who encourages him to step outside of the box and have fun.

As well as being a cracker of a story, it makes an easy World Book Day costume.

Recommended age: 9-12 years

This is another older one, originally having been published in 1905. Don’t be put off by it’s age. Like many of the older classics, this is still a great book to read to a child.

The Railway Children follows the lives of three children. After their father is mysteriously called away, they are told they have to leave their home and move to a cottage with their mother.

Their new home is near a railway, where the children soon spend most of their days, making friends and having adventures.

The story is both uplifting and fun. It is a classic for a reason. Very much worth a read.

Recommended age: 7-9 years

Some of the greatest books I read as a child were by Roald Dahl. He writes funny and engaging stories that little people love. In fact, I could have easily filled this list with just the works of Dahl and Blyton.

‘Danny the Champion of the World’ is about a father and a son. When Danny realises that his dad is a long-time poacher, he wants to go poaching, too.

The plot is quite simple, but the characters are so cleverly portrayed, that this book truly is a gem. On a personal note, this may be my favourite thing that Dahl wrote.

Recommended age: 8 to 12 years

This is where I start to cheat slightly. This is not one, but 13 great books to read to your child.

The first page of the first book will warn you that this is not a series about happy endings. There is loss and sadness in all of the books. They are, however, wonderful stories.

Snicket has a distinct writing style and a dry sense of humour, which I am sure many adults will enjoy, too. He also takes the time to add definitions to words that children might not know.

Recommended age: 7-12 years

Again, this is a series rather than an individual book. The Chronicles of Narnia has been a classic for years.

Lewis takes his readers to Narnia, a world of magic and adventure, where children are kings, queens and heroes.

The Chronicles of Narnia were the first chapter books that I read independently as a child, and will always have a special place in my heart.

If Aslan was part of your world growing up, too, sharing this series with your little one may feel like sharing a bit of your childhood.

Recommended age: 5-8 years

Enid Blyton has got so many great child-level books, that you could probably read just her work for a year and not get through it all.

The wonder of Enid Blyton is that, despite the amount she has written, she doesn’t have a bad book out there. Or if she does, I am yet to find it.

The Faraway Tree collection is a great book for younger children. They meet fantastical characters like Silky the fairy, The Saucepan Man and Moonface whilst exploring the different worlds that arrive at the top of the tree.

Recommended age: 8 years +

The Harry Potter books were what moved me to include series in this list. Although you can read each book alone, they are best read as a series.

Although some of the themes throughout the series are a little darker, the depth and complexity of the characters is brilliant. The Potter books are a great choice to read to a slightly older child. The world of Hogwarts, along with the excitement and danger, offers a way to embrace the places between black and white.

Recommended age: 9 years +

‘Goodnight Mister Tom’ is the story of an eight-year-old boy Willie. Willie is evacuated during World War Two, and finds friendship and kindness in his new guardian, Mister Tom.

This is a fantastic read for any child with an interest in history. It is heartwarming, moving and full of hope.

Why you should read to your child

Reading with children is more than just a way to pass the time. It can be a bonding experience and has a wealth of developmental benefits for your child.

A child who is read to will have a greater vocabulary and be more linguistically developed. Books can also help a child with their cognitive, social and emotional development. (Sheldon-Dean, 2023)

Most importantly, reading can be a lot of fun, and help build beautiful memories with your little one.

How to find other great children’s books

There are millions of children’s books out there. The choice can seem overwhelming.

There are, however, some fun ways to hunt out new books. You could take your child to a charity shop or second-hand book shop and see if they find any new books that they want to pick up.

Perhaps you could organise a book swap with some of their friends.

There are also some more inclusive children’s book lists which are worth checking out, like this one.

Final note

Whatever you read, enjoy it.

I would love to hear about your favourite book or author. Feel free to leave a comment below.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Culture, B. B. C. “The 100 Greatest Children’s Books of All Time.” Www.bbc.com, 23 May 2023, www.bbc.com/culture/article/20230522-the-100-greatest-childrens-books-of-all-time.

Hentschel, Ronel. “How Books Can Help You Read between the Lines with Children’s Emotions.” Washington Parent, 27 Jan. 2024, washingtonparent.com/how-books-can-help-you-read-between-the-lines-with-childrens-emotions/.

Sheldon-Dean, Hannah . “Why Is It Important to Read to Your Child?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 19 Jan. 2023, childmind.org/article/why-is-it-important-to-read-to-your-child/.

Vissing, Yvonne, and Melissa Juchniewicz. “Children’s Book Banning, Censorship and Human Rights.” Globalisation, Comparative Education and Policy Research, 2023, pp. 181–201, https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-15896-4_12. Accessed 9 Feb. 2023.

Knowing how to survive tantrums or meltdowns can be invaluable throughout your child’s early years.

If you have a child over one you will probably have experienced the drama and emotional distress that comes when your sweet child transfers into a mini hulk.

Of course, if one happens at home it’s hard. However, if you are unfortunate enough to be out in public when meltdowns or tantrums come, though you know you will survive, it can be mortifying.

Tantrums and meltdowns are never fun. We can more than survive, however. In the messy moments, we can connect with our children and help them thrive.

The difference between a tantrum and a meltdown

Many people use the words tantrum and meltdown interchangeably. Are they the same thing?

There is no clinical definition of either a tantrum or meltdown, although many agree on differences.

For simplicity, throughout this post, when I talk about a meltdown it is when your child has lost all control. When I speak about tantrums, they still can act with purpose, although they may need support with emotional regulation. (Nannery and Nannery, 2021)

One small note. There is sometimes the assumption that only children who are neurodivergent can have meltdowns. Meltdowns can indeed be more regular and intense for neurodivergent children. However, neurotypical children and adults can also have meltdowns.

Now we have looked at the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, lets discuss how to survive them.

How to survive tantrums and meltdowns

There are steps you can take to make tantrums and meltdowns less painful for both you and child.

Step 1. Before it begins

The best cure for most things is prevention. Unfortunately, children have big emotions they which they cannot always understand or control.

Once a child turns five, they can begin to regulate some of their emotions. As with adults, if they are hungry, tired or just overwhelmed this might be hard. (Rouse, 2016)

Younger children will have less emotional control. They are also less advanced in speech and communication. Therefore they may struggle to let adults know what they want or need. (Stanford Medicine Children’s Health, 2019)

You cannot stop all tantrums and meltdowns. Yet you may be able to avoid some by understanding your child and predicting their needs.

Hunger and Tiredness

I will be the first to admit that when I am hungry or tired I can be cranky. I don’t think I am the adult for whom that is true. It is even more true for children.

Ensuring that your child has enough sleep can help limit tantrums and meltdowns. Keeping regular mealtimes, and carrying snacks for between meals is also important.

Unpredictability and lack of control

As adults, we are likely to enter most days with some sort of idea of what will happen. Throughout the day we have freedom in what we do, where we go etc. Children often don’t have the same luxury.

Even if we tell our children plans ahead of time, their perception of time is still developing and they might not understand or remember what is happening when. They will also have limited control over many of the happenings. As adults, this would be hard to handle. It is understandable why sometimes children struggle.

There are things that you can do to help. Picture boards showing children the order of the day can help them orientate themselves. Keep talking about what is next as this is a concept that they will understand at a younger age, rather than ‘this evening’, or ‘tomorrow lunchtime.”

Interactive routine charts are a great tool. They help engage the child and give them an element of control. Sometimes, letting them make little choices can also help.

Disconnection

Connection is a human need. There is a growing amount of research proofing that are biological built to socialise and connect with other humans. (Braren, 2023) This means that connecting with your child throughout the day is imperative.

Modern life is busy. We often rush from place to place, tackling to-do lists and other people’s demands. In quieter moments, the temptation to bury our heads in our phones is sometimes too great to resist.

Throughout this, our children are carried from place to place. They may feel like they are an additional burden that we are trying to manage. A little connection can go a long way.

Children love to help. Try giving them a job alongside you. This can involve them and help them feel part of what is happening. It might be something little. If you are running errands, ask them to tick the errands off as you complete them. If you are cleaning they can wipe skirtings or window sills.

It is hard, but try to make time, away from the busyness, to be with your children. No phones. No distractions. You and them

If children have a strong bond with their grown-ups, it can help them to understand and learn to control their emotions. (Department for Education, 2022) Hopefully that will mean less meltdowns.

They struggle to handle ‘no’

The part of a child’s brain which handles things, like impulse control, delayed gratification and critical thinking is often called the ‘upstairs brain.’ It is not fully developed until the 20’s. Adults, with our fully developed brains, don’t like to hear ‘no’. It is no wonder that children struggle. If you want to read more about the upstairs and downstairs brain, here is a great article.

So should we give children everything that they ask for? Definitely not. We can, however, offer the word ‘no,’ with empathy and perspective.

Empathy can be shown with phrases like, ‘I know you are frustrated that you can’t play longer,’ or ‘I know you are disappointed that you can’t have cake.’ This helps your child to feel seen, and also shows them how to label and understand their emotions.

Perspective can also help. Children live in the now. If they are told ‘no’ it might feel like ‘no’ is forever. It can help to reword a ‘no’ to a ‘not yet.’ For example, ‘We can’t buy that cake today. Would you like it next month as your birthday cake?’ Or, ‘We aren’t buying toys today. Do you want me to take a photo of that, and you can save up your pocket money to come back?

Of course, sometimes ‘no’ just means ‘no.’ In time, with help, our children will learn to handle them.

Other reasons

Many other factors can also be in play. Pay attention to if your child has a tantrum or meltdown during specific times or in specific locations. Look for what might be causing it. If your child can talk, ask them if there is anything that is upsetting them. (“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?”, 2024)

Step 2. What’s that coming over the hill?

Your child may go from sweet and kind to a full-on rage monster in a flash. You will not always see a tantrum or a meltdown coming.

Step one will not always work, as you cannot prevent all tantrums and meltdowns. This step, may not work either. Sometimes you cannot predict a messy moment.

If you can, however, acting preemptively will help you to survive the tantrums or meltdowns when they arrive.

Perhaps you are in a grocery store, and your child is begging for a treat. You notice their repetitive demands are getting louder and more emotive. A tantrum is coming.

You could stop it by giving in and buying them the treat. This is the easy way out. One I am sure we have all taken. I know that I have. It is not the best way. Children should not get their way by throwing tantrums. They need to learn to solve problems and communicate without screaming or crying.

So, you may need to weather the tantrum. If you see one coming heed the signs.

If you want to survive tantrums and meltdowns with minimal damage, you need to prepare.

Firstly, take steps to ensure you can give your child your full attention. If you are out of the house, this may mean excusing yourself from a conversation or stashing your shopping cart to the side. At home, it could be ensuring siblings are occupied and safe, or switching a pan off if you are in the middle of cooking.

In a crowded place, find somewhere quiet. Tantrums and meltdowns are easier, and pass faster, if you do not have an audience.

Step 3. Bring your calm to the storm

When the tantrum or meltdown starts, there is very little that you can do to stop it. Those big feelings are there and need to be let out.

Let your child tell you what is wrong, and continue gently enforcing those boundaries. For some children, labelling how they feel may help. Hold strong.

The hardest part during this step is acceptance. No one wants to sit for ten minutes with an angry child who doesn’t want to put on the school uniform. I promise you, however, that taking the time to sit with your little one will get you out the door a lot faster than trying to wrestle clothes onto their squirming body and then carrying them kicking and screaming down the road.

During this time, if we are calm it will help our little one find calm too.

What if I don’t have time?

When children are young, it helps to leave ten minutes of grace time for moments like this. Sometimes you may be late. Take a big breath. It will not be the end of the world. When this is over you will be able to handle the aftermath.

So I just sit there? Isn’t there anything I can do or say to make it go faster?

In their messiest moments, children care often unable to listen to reason.

We spoke a bit earlier about the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is impulsive, reactive and in control of fight or flight.

When a child is angry or scared, a part of the brain called the ‘amygdala’ gives full control to the downstairs brain. In the days of our ancestors, this would have been important for survival. The downstairs brain is faster and geared to self-preservation. Unfortunately, it means your child can’t engage in pragmatic dialogue until the upper brain is back in control. (Mine Conkbayir, 2023)

So, a lot of this time is waiting. Use non-aggressive body language and ensure your child doesn’t hurt anyone or break anything. Hold your peace, and know that this messy moment will pass.

Don’t yell

Tantrums are hard on parents. It is natural to feel angry and frustrated. This frustration leads some parents to try to yell their children into submission.

Unfortunately, yelling at a child will increase their stress and fear, keeping them in fight or flight mode.

If you need to, walking away is always a better option than yelling.

A little hack

If child’s upper brain isn’t kick in, there are things that you can do to help.

It is unlikely that in the middle of a messy moment, you will get your child to talk about the situation they are raging against. They may, however, engage on other topics.

Ask them what they remember from a story they know, facts about an animal. If they are old enough to do basic maths, say a sum wrong and let them correct you. The upper brain is needed for reasoning or remembering tasks, and it may well help it to take the lead again.

Once you have their upstairs brains back engaged, you may be able to talk calmly about the situation at hand.

Step 4. Coming back together

When the raging is finished you can start to connect again with your child.

This is the point where you can talk to them, and help them understand appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Keep any lessons short and move on.

Giving something is not giving in

Sometimes little things can help a child feel seen. There are often creative ways that you can help a little one feel that their needs are being met.

For example, if they are angry that they have to go to school, suggest doing something fun together at the weekend. Maybe they want a toy, and you can come up with a way for them to do chores to earn money to buy it. For those who are reluctant to don their school uniform, they may enjoy choosing clothes to wear when they get back home.

Being little is hard. Our children have so much to learn and many things are out of their control. A little kindness is never a bad idea.

Step 5. Moving forwards

Should you punish a tantrum?

I have heard the argument, ‘If you don’t punish a tantrum, they will keep doing it.’ I don’t believe that is true. Most children will not find throwing a tantrum pleasant or dignifying. A meltdown even less so. They are likely to come out feeling embarrassed and a little shaken.

Furthermore, these big feelings are often out of your child’s control.

I do not advocate punishing a tantrum. If, however, throughout the tantrum, your child has made a mess, they can tidy it. If they have hurt someone or broken something it is right that they make amends.

Positive consequences

The lessons that we teach our little ones throughout their childhood are likely to form how they face life as adults.

Therefore, a good measure when looking at the consequences we give, is ‘Would I want them to do this to themselves when they are grown up.’

For example, if your best friend said she had messed up and so wasn’t going on the spa day she had booked, because she didn’t deserve it you would think she was crazy.

If however, the same friend realised that she had been over-emotional recently and decided to have some early nights and try to watch her sugar, you would likely commend her.

Punishment for the sake of punishment will not benefit your child. When you discipline your child try to think about if you are hurting them or helping them. For example, if your child is struggling to control their emotions things like limiting screen so they spend more time connecting with family, limiting sugar and prioritising sleep are all things that can help. It is, of course, unlikely that your child will love any of these initiatives. They may view them as punishments. You will know, however, that you are acting in your child’s best interest. For more about the difference between punishment and discipline check out this article.

A final note

Whilst tantrums and meltdowns are not pleasant, you will survive. As your child grows they will likely learn how to control those big emotions, and there will be less messy moments.

Until then, remember that if you want to be a place of calm for your little one, it is imperative to look after yourself.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Braren, Stephen. “The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need.” Social Creatures, 24 May 2023, www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Department for Education. “Help for Early Years Providers : Emotions.” Help-For-Early-Years-Providers.education.gov.uk, 6 Sept. 2022, help-for-early-years-providers.education.gov.uk/areas-of-learning/personal-social-and-emotional-development/emotions. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Go, Kids That. “The Upstairs and Downstairs of the Brain: Part One – Kids That Go.” Kids That Go, 8 May 2020, kidsthatgo.com/upstairs-and-downstairs-brain-part-one/?srsltid=AfmBOorPMktgYr-YqBX14Sbd7w2WFroEI2H0SWbZ9hHN3s5Rcjnd-pR_. Accessed 28 Jan. 2025.

Jones, Gareth. “Tantrum or Autism Meltdown?” Experia, 3 Aug. 2023, www.experia.co.uk/blog/7-differences-between-tantrums-and-autism-meltdowns/.

“Kids Learning to Tell Time: When Do Kids Learn to Tell Time? How Do Kids Learn about Time?” BBC Tiny Happy People, 2024, www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/z3g3cxs. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Miller, Caroline. “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?” Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, 25 Feb. 2016, childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-tantrums-and-meltdowns/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Mine Conkbayir. “Neuroscience: Understand the “Upstairs” and “Downstairs” Brain – Nursery World.” Nursery World, 27 Apr. 2023, www.nurseryworld.co.uk/content/features/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain/.

Morin, Amanda . “The Difference between Tantrums and Meltdowns.” Www.understood.org, www.understood.org/en/articles/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-meltdowns.

Nannery, Sarah, and Lance Nannery. “What Is the Difference between a Meltdown and a Tantrum?” Psychology Today, 2021, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-to-say-next/202105/what-is-the-difference-between-a-meltdown-and-a-tantrum. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Reeck, Crystal, et al. “The Social Regulation of Emotion: An Integrative, Cross-Disciplinary Model.” Trends in Cognitive Sciences, vol. 20, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 47–63, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2015.09.003.

Rouse, Matthew. “How Can We Help Kids with Self-Regulation?” Child Mind Institute, 2016, childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Schilling, Elizabeth. “Temper Tantrums (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth.” Kidshealth.org, 2018, kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. “Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones.” Stanfordchildrens.org, 2019, www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=age-appropriate-speech-and-language-milestones-90-P02170. Accessed 27 Jan. 2025.

Tao, Ting, et al. “Development of Self-Control in Children Aged 3 to 9 Years: Perspective from a Dual-Systems Model.” Scientific Reports, vol. 4, no. 1, 11 Dec. 2014, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5377018/, https://doi.org/10.1038/srep07272.

“The Difference between Meltdowns & Tantrums – Autism Treatment Center.” Autism Treatment Center of America, autismtreatmentcenter.org/knowledge-base/the-difference-between-meltdowns-and-tantrums/.

Twito, Louise, et al. “The Motivational Aspect of Children’s Delayed Gratification: Values and Decision Making in Middle Childhood.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 10, no. 1649, 31 July 2019, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01649.

When to Worry about Toddler Temper Tantrums. www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/babies-and-toddlers-discipline/when-to-worry-about-toddler-temper-tantrums.

Society labels breastfeeding as the natural choice. Therefore, many mothers feel like it should come naturally. They are often frustrated when they find that they are struggling to breastfeed. 

When breastfeeding doesn’t work, we can feel like there is something wrong with us as mothers.   Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Breastfeeding struggles are common.   According to a 2019 study, 70.3% of mothers experience difficulties of some sort and 80% stop breastfeeding earlier than they want to. (Gianni et al., 2019)

Are the benefits of breastfeeding worth the battles?  What can be done to overcome some of the most common difficulties?

Benefits formula feeding

Breastfeeding is pushed hard in the UK.  This is often to the extreme of shaming mothers who choose to formula feed.  No parent trying to feed their child should ever be shamed.  

Yes, breastfeeding has benefits.   So does formula milk.

• A baby fed with formula can be fed by anyone, anywhere.  This can mean more bonding opportunities for Daddy, or other family members, and more sleep for Mummy.
• It can be easier to establish a routine with formula-fed babies.  Partly because they don’t need to cluster feed to increase milk supply, and partly because formula milk takes longer to digest so the baby can wait longer between feeds.  (Shaw, 2012)
• If breastfeeding is causing stress, opting for an option that works can improve your mental health.  Some would call it noble to sacrifice your mental health to breastfeed. However, if you are mentally and emotionally well, it will be a huge asset to your little one. (Modak et al., 2023)
•   You can make eye contact with your baby while you feed them by bottle.  It is a beautiful thing, to feed your baby with your eyes locked in theirs. 

Benefits of breastfeeding

Despite my strong conviction that no mother should be forced to breastfeed, there is no denying that breastfeeding can have many physical and emotional benefits for both baby and mother.

• Breast milk can boost a baby’s immunity to infections and viruses.
• Breastfeeding has been shown to lower a mother’s risk of some medical conditions, such as breast cancer and osteoporosis. (NHS, 2023)
• Breastfed babies have been shown to have better academic and health outcomes later in life. (World Health Organization (WHO, 2023.)
• Breastfeeding releases oxytocin, a chemical linked with emotional bonding and well-being.   This means that a breastfeeding mother has a lower chance of postnatal depression.

When you are struggling to breastfeed

Different issues that can cause struggles with breastfeeding. Let’s look at the most common problems and how to tackle them.

If you are still struggling, check what breastfeeding support is available in your area. A lactation support team may be able to spend time alongside you, providing support.

Pain when breastfeeding

This is one of the most common issues.   It can be caused by:

Poor latch– A poor latch can cause pain and damage to the nipple.  If your baby is slurping during the feed, or your nipple is misshaped after a feed, this could be the cause.  (“Pain: If Breastfeeding Hurts”, 2024)

If you believe you are experiencing pain due to a poor latch, check out this guide on improving your baby’s latch.

Used correctly nipple shields can also support a healthy and comfortable latch.   We will look at nipple shields in more detail later.

Mastitis/ nipple thrush– Mastitis is when your breast becomes infected.  It can lead to swelling and redness.  When you have mastitis you may feel a burning in your breast and have flu symptoms. (NHS Choices, 2019) 

Thrush is caused by candida fungus.  If your nipples are cracked the fungus can enter your nipple or breast causing pain. 

For either mastitis or thrush, seek medical advice promptly.  You can continue breastfeeding, although it may be painful.   With thrush, your baby will also be treated.  The treatment is safe for your baby.  (NHS, “Breastfeeding and Thrush”, 2020)

Engorgement–  It is normal for a lot of milk to come on day three.  This will settle down in time.  At first, however, your breasts can become overly full, which can cause pain.  

It can be difficult for your baby to latch if you are engorged. Expressing till your breasts feel softer can help this.  A breast pump is useful, but you can also hand express.

You can place ice on your breasts for 20 minutes between feeds to reduce swelling.   A warm cloth before feeds can help encourage your letdown. 

Baby routes for the breast and then pulls away

This is a frustrating issue. Your baby is crying for food and showing all the hunger signs.  You put them to the breast. They suckle a second before pulling away and crying for milk again.  

There are three common causes of this.

Pain from trapped wind– If your baby has trapped wind, being in a reclined position to feed can hurt.  If you are unsure how to release trapped wind, here is a guide.

Too strong of a release– too much milk at once can be hard for a little mouth to handle.   This is a common issue in the first few weeks before your milk supply has settled down.  Try expressing a little excess milk, to reduce the flow and make it manageable for your baby. (https://www.facebook.com/parents, 2015)

Milk is coming too slowly– A hungry baby may not have the patience or understanding to keep suckling until your milk comes.

The hormone which controls the release of milk is oxytocin.  Oxytocin is released during times of bonding, which is perhaps why it is so integral to breastfeeding. (World Health Organization, 2009)

Oxytocin is also more likely to be released when you feel relaxed and calm, which is not always the case when you have a young baby.  This can mean that if you are feeling tired, stressed and a little bit edgy, then you might find your milk is a little slower coming.   Although common advice for this issue is to simply relax more, when you have a hungry baby screaming at you for food it can be difficult to soothe your nerves.   It may be more useful to try hand expressing until your milk begins to flow. Put your baby onto feed when the milk is comin.

Baby’s mouth slides off the breast

In the early days, your breast may be swollen from too much milk.  This swelling can make it difficult for your baby to latch properly.   This is often an issue that time will fix.  As your supply syncs to your baby’s needs swelling will stop and your baby will be able to latch and feed much more easily.  Until that happens, you may want to express a little excess milk before each feed to help. (Lois, 2016)

Low Milk Supply

Feeding on your baby’s cues rather than a schedule can help your milk production keep up with a babies growing needs.

Your body makes milk to demand.  Every breastfeed stimulates milk production.   If there is not enough milk, your baby will feed till there’s only a trickle.  Then your baby may become frustrated and stop feeding but want to feed again a few minutes later.   This is called cluster feeding and will pass.  Cluster feeding tells your body there wasn’t enough milk, please make more. 

It also works the other way.  If your baby takes less milk or misses a feed, milk supply will slow down to meet the decreasing demand.  (https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite)

Anything that reduces the amount you feed can harm your milk supply.   If you are away from your baby or top up with formula, expressing can boost milk production.

As well as how much you feed, the time you feed is also important.

Night-time feeds are more effective at boosting supply than daytime ones.   The prolactin hormones which help your body to lactate are higher at night than they are during the day.  (“Prolactin | South Tees Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust”)  It is worth feeding at night if you are struggling with supply.   If your baby has started to sleep through the night, I would be loathe to stop a good thing.   You can express at night, which will still be beneficial for milk production, and doesn’t require settling a little one afterwards. 

Other things that can help with milk production are resting when you can, eating enough yourself and staying hydrated.

If you have a persistent issue with low milk supply or worry your baby is not feeding enough talk to a healthcare worker to get support.

Feeding stations

One thing that can help is to make a feeding station.   You will spend a lot of time feeding, so having somewhere that is comfortable to sit can be a boost.  Make it somewhere comfortable where you have a table or shelf near where you can store things next to you that you might want during feeds.  Stock the area with snacks, a full bottle of water and some sort of entertainment.   I was lucky with my second that the position she fed in meant I could read with a spare hand, with my first my feeding station was near a television as I didn’t have free hands.

Baby falls asleep during feeds

This is an issue that is more common during the first few weeks.  Sometimes little eyes just can’t stay open.   Often this isn’t a problem, but if it gets to the point where your baby isn’t getting enough food it can become a concern.

When should you worry?  Sleepy feeds are only an issue if your baby is not getting enough milk.  You can gauge how much your baby is feeding by looking at nappy output. You should be seeing between four and six wet nappies and three to four dirty nappies a day for a little one. (Wisner, 2021) 

One technique that you can use to help your baby stay awake for feeds is to switch them from one side to the other when they begin to look like they are nodding off.  This can give them the little nudge that they need to keep them awake.  

Other things like stripping your baby down to a nappy can help.  Sometimes a baby can sleep when milk flow slows down so hand expressing can increase the flow and keep your baby engaged in feeding. (“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics”)

Baby gets distracted

This is an issue that you are more likely to come across with an older baby.  As our little ones begin to engage with the world around them, they can struggle to focus during feeds and rather become drawn into all the exciting things happening around them.

There are a few simple fixes to this.  The most obvious is to move somewhere quiet and with as few distractions as possible, though this isn’t always possible.  Another simple solution is to invest in a feeding cover.   Some women choose to wear feeding covers for modesty, but they can also be great for keeping babies focused on the task at hand if they are easily distracted.

Try not to worry too much.  A baby won’t starve themselves.  It may be that the quieter night feeds become more substantial, whilst the daytime feeds when there are more interesting things going on, become smaller.  That is okay.

Nipple shields

Nipple shields can be fantastic if used correctly.  A lot of the time you will find healthcare workers are nervous to recommend them.    This is because if they are used incorrectly, they can cause a baby to latch badly, and the poor latch can impact how well they stimulate milk production during feeds.

How to use nipple shields correctly

If you are using nipple shields, ensure that your baby is latched to the base, and is keeping a wide mouth.   Some babies may try to suckle from the tip like a bottle;  If you notice this, try putting a little pressure on babies head to move them lower down the shield and into a proper latch.

How you put on the shield can also have an impact on how well your baby feeds with it.  The medulla nipple shields are designed to be inverted before use to draw in more of the nipple and ensure your baby is latching to a larger area.   Here is a link that explains how to wear a nipple shield. (chris, 2015)

 I personally found the medela shields to be excellent.  They helped to reduce the pain of feeding a lot during both my breastfeeding journeys.

How to wean off using nipple shields

As your baby grows, feeding often becomes easier and you can start to move away from nipple shields.  

When you are ready to stop using your nipple shield, start by using it for the first part of each feed, then remove it.  Latch with the shield as usual. After a few minutes, when your baby is happily feeding, try to slide the shield off and relatch your baby.  It may take a few goes, but in time they will learn to relatch without the shield.  Once you have done a few feeds removing the shield part way through, you can try to start a feed without the shield.

Feeding out and about

Feeding in front of other people is different for every person.  Some people are perfectly comfortable with it, but for others, it can be a cause of great anxiety.   At the end of the day, you need to be happy.  Don’t let other people make you feel guilty about feeding out and about if that is your choice.   Likewise, if you don’t feel comfortable feeding in front of others don’t feel like you must.

A few Tips

Look out for feeding rooms: A growing number of shopping centres and department stores provide nursing areas for mothers.  These can provide somewhere to sit, and privacy if you want it for breastfeeding.   It is worth looking online to see what places are available in case you need them.

Layers are your friend: I was comfortable feeding in front of others. However, I preferred to show as little skin as possible.  Layers helped.  I would wear a stretchy tank top underneath a baggy t-shirt, with a feeding bra underneath.   Before latching, I would reach beneath my t-shirt to unfasten the bra and pull my tank top underneath the breast.  I would then lift the baby to the breast while lifting the baggy t-shirt. Baby will keep the breast covered.   It took a little practice, but in time it became an easy way to feed modestly. If you have a mishap don’t worry.  You are a human, who is keeping another human alive with your body.  Be proud to be you.

When to stop breastfeeding

Experts recommend trying to breastfeed for at least 6 months if you can. (“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop”, 2012)  It is, of course, a personal choice.  Some people find breastfeeding too much pressure, as it means that they always have to be within close proximity to the baby, and aren’t able to let friends and family support as much as they would like.  Others enjoy breastfeeding and want to continue as long as possible.

You will probably know for yourself when it is right to move.   With my firstborn, there came a point where he was losing interest in feeding so stopping was natural.  With my second, she struggled to settle without night feeds so I continued those till about 15 months.  Find what works for you, and don’t feel pressured either way.

Breastfeeding during the first six months is the most beneficial. After that, there is growing evidence that it can still be beneficial.  (Wisner, “Extended Breastfeeding: Can You Nurse for Too Long?”, 2020)

When you have been struggling to breastfeed and can’t continue

The first few months of being a parent are challenging mentally, physically and emotionally.   When you are already worn down struggling to breastfeed can be a devastating blow.   You might feel like breastfeeding is part of what you picture when you envision life with a newborn. If you have to move to formaula it is natural to feel sad, even angry, to find that you have been robbed of that.

Unfortunately, sometimes things in life we want to change are unchangeable.   When that happens, it is okay to be sad. It’s ok to spend a little time mourning the motherhood journey that you were envisaging.  But please don’t stay there.  Your little one will grow faster than you could ever imagine. You don’t want these early days to be dominated by sadness. 

If you are a mother who has been struggling to breast feed, and moved onto formula, you may feel out of control. However, there are things that you can still control. 

Firstly, remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.  Just because other people can physically feed your baby, you don’t need to let them.

 The beautiful thing about bottle feeding is that you can look into your baby’s eyes. This is a physical impossibility with breastfeeding.  Perhaps create a personalised playlist for some of your feeds. Make a special feeding place, and bond with your baby through feeds in your own unique way. Remember this too shall pass, choose to make it beautiful.

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

Should I eat cake if I am formula feeding

Yes.  Being a parent is exhausting, you deserve it.

A Final note

Breastfeeding is an extensive and deeply personal topic.   We have looked at a little of the science behind fixing common problems and a few practical tips.  There is so much more information out there if you do want to know more. 

The most important thing to remember is, that while you care for your baby you should care for yourself too.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah Louise

References

“Breastfeeding – Deciding When to Stop.” Vic.gov.au, 2012, www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/HealthyLiving/breastfeeding-deciding-when-to-stop.

chris. “Nipple Shields.” La Leche League GB, 4 Dec. 2015, laleche.org.uk/nipple-shields/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

Gianni, Maria, et al. “Breastfeeding Difficulties and Risk for Early Breastfeeding Cessation.” Nutrients, vol. 11, no. 10, 20 Sept. 2019, p. 2266, www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/11/10/2266, https://doi.org/10.3390/nu11102266.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Milk Supply – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-challenges/milk-supply/. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Is It Normal for My Baby to Twist and Pull While Breastfeeding?” Parents, 2015, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/is-it-normal-for-my-baby-to-squirm-while-nursing/, https://doi.org/10.1089/bfm.2019.29141. Accessed 14 Jan. 2025.

“Keeping Baby Awake during Feeding | Happy Baby Organics.” Happy Family Organics, www.happyfamilyorganics.com/learning-center/article/how-to-keep-your-baby-awake-during-feedings/.

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Modak, Anushree, et al. “A Comprehensive Review of Motherhood and Mental Health: Postpartum Mood Disorders in Focus.” Cureus, vol. 15, no. 9, 29 Sept. 2023, assets.cureus.com/uploads/review_article/pdf/187209/20230929-20001-t9qdii.pdf, https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46209.

—. “The Psychological Benefits of Breastfeeding: Fostering Maternal Well-Being and Child Development.” Cureus, vol. 15, no. 10, 27 Nov. 2024, www.cureus.com/articles/187248-the-psychological-benefits-of-breastfeeding-fostering-maternal-well-being-and-child-development?score_article=true#, https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46730.

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—. “Breastfeeding and Thrush.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding-problems/thrush/. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

—. “Expressing Breast Milk by Hand – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/feeding-your-baby/breastfeeding/expressing-your-breast-milk/expressing-breast-milk-by-hand/. Accessed 4 Dec. 2024.

NHS Choices. “Mastitis.” NHS, 2019, www.nhs.uk/conditions/mastitis/.

“Pain: If Breastfeeding Hurts.” The Breastfeeding Network, Nov. 2024, www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/breastfeeding-information/problems-with-breastfeeding/pain-if-breastfeeding-hurts/.

“Prolactin | South Tees Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust.” Www.southtees.nhs.uk, www.southtees.nhs.uk/services/pathology/tests/prolactin/.

Shaw, Gina. “Breastfeeding vs. Formula Feeding.” WebMD, 11 June 2012, www.webmd.com/baby/breastfeeding-vs-formula-feeding.

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WIC Breastfeeding Support. “Steps and Signs of a Good Latch | WIC Breastfeeding.” Usda.gov, 2019, wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov/steps-and-signs-good-latch. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

“Winding and Burping Your Baby.” HSE.ie, www2.hse.ie/babies-children/parenting-advice/caring-for-a-new-baby/winding-burping/.

Wisner, Wendy. “Extended Breastfeeding: Can You Nurse for Too Long?” Healthline, 25 Mar. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/extended-breastfeeding#benefits. Accessed 21 Jan. 2025.

—. “What to Do If Your Baby Keeps Falling Asleep While Nursing.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 28 Apr. 2021, www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/baby-falls-asleep-while-nursing#is-it-normal. Accessed 18 Jan. 2025.

World Health Organization. “The Physiological Basis of Breastfeeding.” Nih.gov, World Health Organization, 2009, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK148970/.

World Health Organization (WHO). “Breastfeeding.” World Health Organisation, 2023, www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding#tab=tab_1. Accessed 27 Nov. 2024.

How to help children cope with death, is a question we will all face eventually. Death is a fact relevant to all humankind. It is one that many people struggle to come to terms with.

Even adults find the mortality of those that they love difficult to acknowledge.  It is no easier for a child. 

  In the West death can be a taboo subject, meaning that many children will not encounter the concept until it affects them personally.   Childhood is a vulnerable stage of life.  Our little ones depend on their adults for their survival.  Therefore realising that a person can go from being there to being gone, can be terrifying.  

Children have also lived shorter lives and seen less change.  Many things can feel permanent to them.   Unshakable.  As long as they have been aware, some things have been constant.  It can feel strange and unsettling when Grandma is no longer at the house she has always lived in.

Emotions are Okay

Death is a painful subject. Pain is the very last thing that we want for our little ones.  When they first become aware of what is happening and display negative emotions, it is tempting to hide them from what is happening or distract them. 

This is an understandable response, which in the short term could work.  However, pretending death doesn’t exist, and distracting children from their emotions is not a long-term solution. 

It is important to talk to our children about death.  Only by being open with them, in an age-appropriate way, will they be able to understand and then accept the harsh facts.  Without that understanding and acceptance, death can become a terrifying mystery that lingers in the back of their minds. If we want our children to cope with their feelings, we have to help our little ones find ways to process and express them.

As well as talking to them, listen.  Hear what they say without trying to ‘fix’ what can’t be fixed.

Often when a child is experiencing a loss, so are you. Sometimes letting your child know you are sad too, can help them feel less alone. Make sure that you take time for yourself. We want to be strong for our children. Remember that in order to be strong, self-care is important during difficult times.

The Questions

Your child may well have a lot of questions about what has happened.   There might be questions that you know answers for, but it is okay to be honest about what you don’t know.

When explaining death to a child, Child Bereavement UK suggests using direct language.  Cliches like ‘passed away’, or ‘didn’t make it’ can increase their confusion. 

No child needs gory details.  Simple and practical information can be helpful though.  When children are left in the dark their imaginations can fill in the gaps, and often their fantasies are scarier than the truth. Offering clarity can be an important part of how we help children to cope with death.

Explaining physical death, thanks to modern science, can be simple.  You can talk about things they may already be aware of, such as the importance of the heartbeat and breath As far as the spiritual side, that is something you can adapt to fit your family’s beliefs.

The Fears

Death can cause children a lot of fear.  They may ask questions about what will happen if they die, or if you die.  

These fears are normal.  When they come, stay calm.  It is important to let your child talk about their fear to you.  These won’t be pleasant conversations, but they are important.  Our children need to understand it is normal to have these fears. Furthermore, they mustn’t be forced to close the fear in their hearts to deal with it alone.

So don’t be afraid to talk. Maybe talk about how you are working to ensure that your child, and those in your household, will be healthy and safe.  Acknowledge that death is sad and scary, but remind them that the reason death is so terrifying is because life is so great. 

Whilst a fear of death and anxiety around the topic is normal, there may be times when it gets out of control.  Thanatophobia, an anxiety disorder centred around the fear of death, is just as common in children as it is in adults.   If your child’s fear begins to impact their daily routines, or if you go over six months and they are still experiencing anxiety, then it is important to get them support. Death can be hard for children to cope with, but there are people out there who are trained to help.

Where to get support if your child is struggling with death anxiety?

• Make an appointment with your local GP.  They can work with you and help get you the right support.
• Talk to your child’s school.  Many schools have support systems in place to help children who are struggling with mental health
• Call a mental health helpline.  If you google mental health support, and your location, there are often charities and help centers that can offer support.

The Funeral

Funerals can offer children a chance to say goodbye and can help with closure for children who are struggling to cope with a loved one’s death.  It can also help them to feel less alone, as they join with others to grieve a death and celebrate a life.  You may not know the tone of the funeral in advance, but some are crafted to highlight gratitude for all that the person was.  This can help little ones refocus from the pain of the loss and onto the positive aspects of the loved one’s life.

Funerals can also, however, be emotional.  If a child is feeling vulnerable the intensity of a funeral can be overwhelming, rather than helpful.  Especially if this is the first death they have encountered, some children may worry that they will not be able to cope.

If your child is old enough to know their mind, let them choose if to attend the funeral, or stay away.  Giving them an element of control can be empowering, especially when everything may feel so out of control.

Moving forward

The pain of a loved one’s death will not dissipate overnight.  There are a few things that you can do to support your child, now and in the months afterwards, and to help them process their pain.

Offer space for your child to express their emotions through art

Before the funeral perhaps you could allow your child to write a letter or draw a picture to be buried with the loved one, or alongside their ashes.

Let them free draw, paint, or build too.  Art can help to express emotions. If your child is having a day when they are finding it hard to cope with worries about death, or adapting to the change, they might not know how to vocalise all their feelings. Colouring pencils can provide a wonderful outlet.

Tell stories

Although your loved one may no longer be there, you can keep their memory alive by telling their stories to your child.  Depending on their age, your child may have their own stories, too.  Storytelling is incredibly therapeutic and can help children to understand their emotions and put them into perspective.  Repetition is part of the process, so be patient if your child wants the same story for the 10^th time. 

Create a memory box or book

Find photos, letters, cards and whatever else you can collect to make a box or a scrapbook to remember the loved one. Then set aside time to work on it together, letting your child fill the book with pictures, notes or stories.

Also, if you have lost a close family member and are clearing their house, perhaps there may be something that you can set aside for your child to remember them by.  

Create a ritual

Finally, it can be special to plan one or two moments a year to remember those no longer with us.

You can combine this with an annual holiday, or use birthdays. Traditions will be individual for each family, so find something that works for you.

Resources

As well as conversations, there are books that can help children with the passing of a loved one.

Here a list of a few of my favourites.

The Memory Tree

Fox has lived a long and happy life in the forest, but now he is tired. He lies down in his favourite clearing, and falls asleep for ever. Before long, Fox’s friends begin to gather in the clearing. One by one, they tell stories of the special moments that they shared with Fox. And so, as they share their memories, a tree begins to grow, becoming bigger and stronger with each memory, sheltering and protecting all the animals in the forest, just as Fox did when he was alive.

Lost in the Clouds

Billy misses his mummy very much. She lives in the clouds. Some days the sun is shining and Mummy’s clouds are nowhere to be seen. Those are Billy’s favourite days. He and Daddy would play in the garden all day long, and Billy knows that Mummy is letting the sun shine for them. But not all days are like that. Sometimes Mummy’s clouds are dark, and Billy feels sad and alone.

Disclaimer: This is a beautiful story, but it does deal with the loss of a parent. It might not be right for a child who is struggling with death anxiety.

I Can’t Believe They’re Gone

Join the mouse family on an emotional journey as Bear, their empathetic companion, helps them navigate the complexities of grief and its unique expressions.
Additionally, throughout this beautifully written picture storybook, children will discover the stages of grief, common feelings, and meaningful ways to honor the memory of their loved ones.

A final note

The passing of a loved one is difficult for all involved. Be kind to yourself, and know that you will get through this.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah Louise

References

Child Bereavement UK. “Supporting a Bereaved Pupil in a Primary School.” Child Bereavement UK, 29 Mar. 2019, www.childbereavementuk.org/primary-schools-supporting-bereaved-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“Explaining Death and Dying to Children.” Child Bereavement UK, www.childbereavementuk.org/explaining-death-and-dying-to-children. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Fritscher , Lisa. “How to Help Children Overcome the Fear of Death.” Verywell Mind, 23 Jan. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-death-in-children-2671783#:~:text=Anxiety%20and%20distress%20about%20death. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Gire, James. “How Death Imitates Life: Cultural Influences on Conceptions of Death and Dying.” Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, vol. 6, no. 2, 1 Dec. 2014, scholarworks.gvsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1120&context=orpc, https://doi.org/10.9707/2307-0919.1120.

Gordon, Sherri . “How Can I Get My Child to Stop Being Preoccupied about Death?” Verywell Family, 31 Aug. 2020, www.verywellfamily.com/help-child-to-stop-worrying-about-death-1448615. Accessed 5 July 2024.

Holland, Kimberly. “Everything You Should Know about Thanatophobia.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 27 Sept. 2017, www.healthline.com/health/thanatophobia. Accessed 5 July 2024.

How Different Cultures around the World Deal with Death. – Clear Cremations. 10 Apr. 2023, clearcremations.com/how-do-different-cultures-from-around-the-world-deal-with-death/#:~:text=Cultures%20around%20the%20world%20have. Accessed 3 July 2024.

“How to Talk to Children about Death and Dying.” Hospice UK, www.hospiceuk.org/information-and-support/your-guide-to-hospice-end-of-life-care/how-talk-children-about-death-and-dying. Accessed 3 July 2024.

LifeCare, Lower Cape Fear. “How to Help a Grieving Child Cope: 20 Comforting Tips.” Lower Cape Fear LifeCare, 11 Aug. 2021, lifecare.org/news-events/20-ways-to-help-a-grieving-child/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

NHS. “Children and Bereavement.” Nhs.uk, 4 Feb. 2021, www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-and-bereavement/. Accessed 3 July 2024.

Porteous-Sebouhian, Bryony. “How Accepting Our Mortality Can Be Freeing.” MHT, 10 Sept. 2021, www.mentalhealthtoday.co.uk/blog/the-journey-to-accept-our-own-mortality-can-be-more-freeing-than-we-d-ever-expect.

Salek, Elyse, and Kenneth Ginsburg. “How Children Understand Death & What You Should Say.” HealthyChildren.org, 2019, www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-Children-Understand-Death-What-You-Should-Say.aspx. Accessed 3 July 2024.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

At the very heart of it, discipline is about teaching and training.  Punishment on the other hand is about negative consequences for wrong actions.

Sometimes discipline will involve consequences, but consequences are not the only way to discipline a child.

Punishments are focused on what has already happened, and the hard payment for it.  Discipline, if done well, is forward-looking.  It endeavours to give a set of skills for the child to use moving forwards. (Li)

When a child is making wrong choices the parents need to adjust the behaviour.   They have the choice to make that adjustment via punishment or via discipline. Let’s look at each method in a little more detail.

Adjustment via punishment

Two assumptions are being made when parents use only punishments to correct behaviour.  The first assumption is that without a threat of a negative repercussion hanging over a child’s head they will choose to be naughty.

The second assumption is that being naughty is a always a willful choice and the child has the ability to make the right choices. 

I would contend neither of these assumptions is true.

The truth is most children want to be good.  They might also really want sweets, toys, the red cup and to never sleep.  They often want to be good too.   

Children want to belong, to connect, and to be healthy, which are all the things we want for them.  Unfortunately, though, they often do not have the skill sets, the understanding, or the self-control to make the right choices.  Instead, their other wants, worries or emotions can take over.

Patience, critical thinking, empathy, kindness and self-control are traits that many children struggle with, as do many grown-ups.  The same as grown-ups, many children can make great decisions some days but then have days where they find it hard to keep it together. 

If a child is being punished regularly, but not being given the support that they need to make the right choices, they often become stressed, and worried about the next time they might mess up.  Repeated punishments can cause them to see themselves as naughty or bad, yet feel that they lack the skills to be good.

Adjustment via discipline

Discipline is looking at what you want to teach the child, and what is the best way to teach it. (Siegel and Bryson, 2016)

There may still need to be consequences.  For example, sometimes a child could lose a privilege if they are struggling to be responsible with it, or they may need to be removed from a situation if they are not behaving appropriately.

The focus, however, will be on how to move forward rather than on a punishment for what has been.    There are a plethora of tools that parents can use to teach children the skills integral to living a healthy, happy and kind life.

By teaching your child the skills they need to make the right choices, you give them more control over themselves and how they behave. This can significantly boost their self-esteem.

The Science Behind Gentle Discipline

Science gives us a few reasons why gentler and proactive discipline works better than punishments. 

Upstairs or downstairs?

The brain is complex, but let’s look at it as two halves. The upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

The downstairs brain is the first to develop and is all about survival. As well as operating some important functions, like breathing it also controls the fight or flight response.   

Fight or flight was the stress response that would have been imperative to our ancestors in their more perilous times.  Fight or flight shuts down your thinking brain, which is analytical and slow. Then instinct facilitates hasty retreat (flight) or self-defence (fight.)  It is a defence and will kick in whenever the brain perceives a threat.

The upstairs brain develops later and oversees critical thinking, problem-solving, empathy, and patience. (Conkbayir, n.d.)

When we discipline our children, we want to be working with their upstairs brain, however, if they feel threatened the downstairs brain will be running the show.  In fight or flight mode our little ones will be unable to reason.

To learn more about the two halves of the brain, check out this article, which goes into more depth.

 A little gentleness and empathy from us can help your child feel safe and get the upstairs brain back in control to give you the best chance of teaching the lessons that you want to teach.

Pure Chemistry

Your child has chemicals, or hormones, controlling their body’s different functions, and carrying messages throughout their body.

Cortisol is the hormone which helps your child’s body respond to stress. If children are in strict environments with frequent punishments, they are likely to have an excess of cortisol released in their bodies. (Australia) Excess cortisol has been proven to shrink the brain and cause issues with memory loss.  (Mandal, MD)

The science of self-believe

A child who believes that they are competent, strong and have a high self-worth will not just be happier, but will also start to emulate the qualities that they see in themselves.  There have been studies that show that self-belief has an impact on performance.   Many children will follow the narrative that you lay out for them.  If they are often punished harshly, not trusted, and reminded of their mistakes they will see themselves in a negative light and act accordingly. (Sutton, 2020)

If, however, you highlight their potential, celebrate their successes and believe in them, even in their worst moments you can rewrite this narrative.

How to discipline gently

We have talked about the why, now let’s look at the how.

Disclaimer: Gentle parenting often gets a bad name, as it can be confused with passive parenting.  I am not advocating stepping back, and letting your six-year old call the shots. 

Gentle parenting is about proactively teaching and setting firm boundaries in a loving and empathetic way.  That is, you connect with your child, and acknowledge their feelings, but you do not let their feelings run the show.  

Here are a few ways that you can start disciplining gently.

Unite to fight

A big difference between discipline and punishment, is when we discipline we play on the same team as our child.

Discipline doesn’t have to be us versus our child.  You can work with your child.  If your child is struggling with an attitude or behaviour, sit with them and work out a plan to move forward. Ask them to brain storm solutions with you

If you are at a loss there are so many online resources and books on overcoming nearly everything. If you have an older child, spend time researching together to find creative ways to support them in overcoming difficult behaviours.

 As well as engaging their upper brain, as you come up with solutions alongside your child, you will connect with them and teach them how to problem solve.  

Remember that they are children

This may seem obvious.   It is easy, however, to forget that their brains are not yet developed.  They are going to struggle with some of the upper brain behaviours.  I often put adult expectations on my nine-year-old, and forget, heck, he is just nine. 

As you remember their limitations, and bring grace and patience to the table, remind them too.  Growing up is hard, and the world can be brutal.  Let them know that making the right choices takes practice.  Every good choice that they make is a step in the right direction and celebrate it.  Every wrong choice can be learnt from.

Make consequences immediate, fair and manageable

Long-term punishments don’t usually work well, but giving immediate consequences may be more beneficial.  

Consequences that they can manage are even better.  For example, rather than sending your child to their room for 10 minutes, send them to their room until they have calmed down and are ready to make things right.  Rather than banning them from the screen for a week, ban them from the screen until they have helped you with something in the house.  Giving them that control helps them work towards where they need to be, and can help their confidence.

Avoidance

Avoiding misbehaviour is a lot easier than correcting it.  Simple things can help children to be their very best selves. Communicate well, and in advance if you can about plans so that they know if they are coming or going.  Make sure they are fed and well rested.    Connect in lots of positive ways.

A final note

If, like me, you were raised in the days of punishments, and authoritative parenting, this may all seem unnatural and weak.

This is not weakness.  It is not about letting children do as they please without consequences.  You are still laying down clear guidelines, and ensuring that your children are aware of the correct attitudes and behaviours.

Gentle discipline is about being strong,  loving and wise.  Strong enough to hold your peace, loving enough to get alongside your child, and wise enough to discern the very best way of teaching them.

You and your child are stronger than ever together.

Reference list

Australia, H. (2023). The role of cortisol in the body. [online] www.healthdirect.gov.au. Available at: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/the-role-of-cortisol-in-the-body#:~:text=It%20can%20help%3A [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Conkbayir, M. (n.d.). Neuroscience: Understand the ‘upstairs’ and ‘downstairs’ brain. [online] Nursery World. Available at: https://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/features/article/neuroscience-understand-the-upstairs-and-downstairs-brain [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Lehman, J. (2020). Empowering Parents. [online] Empowering Parents. Available at: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-give-kids-consequences-that-work/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Li, P. (2019). Discipline and punishment – what’s the difference (4 Effective discipline Strategies) – Parenting For Brain. [online] Parenting For Brain. Available at: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/discipline-vs-punishment/ [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Mandal, MD, Dr.A. (2018). Stress can cause memory loss and brain shrinkage finds study. [online] News-Medical.net. Available at: https://www.news-medical.net/news/20181025/Stress-can-cause-memory-loss-and-brain-shrinkage-finds-study.aspx [Accessed 12 Mar. 2024].

Siegel, D.J. and Bryson, T.P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline : The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.

Sutton, J. (2020). Self-Esteem and Children: Your Ultimate Guide (incl. Activities). [online] PositivePsychology.com. Available at: https://positivepsychology.com/self-esteem-for-children/.