This Too Shall Pass- for Good Days and Bad

“This too shall pass.”

There are many different stories about the origin of this adage. It has been around for a very long time. However it is still relevant.

As we journey through parenthood, there is a lot that these words can offer us.  They are a reminder to slow down and cherish the sweet times.   They are also a promise that whatever you are going through, be it sleep deprivation, tantrums, potty training or worse, it will not be your forever.

When you feel at your wit’s end

When my eldest child was a baby, he went through sleep regression.  By six weeks old he was sleeping through the night and then…he wasn’t.  In fact, he wasn’t wanting to sleep much at all after sundown.

 We tried a lot of things, but not one of them worked.  I could rock him to sleep in my arms, but the moment I so much as looked at his cot he would snap back awake.

 Of course, I knew that in time it would pass.   My rational side understood that by the time he was 35 and had a full-time job, he would probably have learnt to sleep without me holding him.

 It didn’t feel like it would pass, though.  I was tired and fed up and had no idea what to try next. Then one day, he slept.   We hadn’t changed a thing.  It passed.

Sleep regression is just one example of a multitude of struggles we had when we first became parents.  Every one of them worked out in the end, though in the midst they each felt never-ending.

Whatever you are going through right now, it too shall pass.  This is not your forever, and there is a strong chance it will be okay.

Hold your peace

‘The Lord shall fight for you, and you hold your peace’ Exodus 14:14

I was raised in a Christian household. Growing up, I often heard this verse touted. As a child, I was convinced that it meant to do nothing, and that everything would work itself out, for God would fix it.  As a child, I was wrong.

You probably know, as well as I do now, that ignoring problems does not make them go away.  I am still, however, a strong advocate for holding your peace.

For everything that you face with your child, there will be elements that you can control and elements that you cannot.  

Holding your peace does not mean burying your head and hoping circumstances will fall your way.  It is about looking at what you can do in each situation.  Brainstorm, research, and talk to other people who have had the same battles. Be proactive and come up with a plan, to do the very best with what is in your power to influence.

 Maybe your plan will work, and maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, you can try again.  Try something new; Keep learning. Throughout, know that you are doing the best that you can at that moment, with your understanding as it is, and with all the other things that you are managing in life.

 Sometimes you will mess up, which is part of being human.  Perhaps other days you will surprise yourself with how incredibly resourceful, kind and patient you are. 

Through the hard times, practise self care. Remember to look after yourself as well as your family.

Hold your peace in the knowledge, that this too shall pass, but before it does, keep trying and learning.

For the good times

This too shall pass, does not just apply to the bad times, but the good times, too.   With all the worries and daily to-do lists, it is easy to miss the beauty of the moments that you share with your child.   Your child will grow and won’t always walk to school with their hand in yours, so cherish them.

In a world that moves too fast, find ways to slow down.  Here is a great article about slowing down which is worth a read.

Something that I have started with my children, is scrapbooking.  I let them borrow my phone while we are out walking and they can take photos, and I also take photos of adventures we have with family and friends.  Once a month I try to remember to print them off and they can cut out the photos and stick them in their memory books and write captions.  It offers a chance to relive the fun moments and solidify those glorious memories that we are making day by day.

Slow down and breathe.  For this too shall pass.




How to Encourage Your Child to do Homework

Homework can become a battle. Does it need to be? Is it possible to encourage your child to study independently?

I remember being a child and hating homework.  When I encourage my children to study it’s not without empathy. Amongst the parents I know, there are wildly different attitudes to the idea of schoolwork outside of school.  Some believe there isn’t enough time for children to play, so are happy for homework to be forgotten.   Others will sit with their child and ensure every task is completed.

Is homework beneficial?

As with many topics, experts do not agree if homework is beneficial, or not. There is more consensus that homework benefits older children, rather than younger ones.(Goodwin, 2023) Here is a really interesting article exploring some of pros and cons.

For younger children, there are concerns that too much homework hampers play.  Play is important as it is how young children learn and develop. Reading with young children, however, can be extremely beneficial. As well as boosting their cognitive skills, reading benefits children socially and emotionally. (Collier, 2019) Of course, it is important to keep reading fun, so books remain a joy rather than a chore.

For older children, homework can offer more than just an improvement in their grades.   Managing their learning outside of the classroom can develop important life skills and self-discipline.  Parents can also use homework to be involved in the child’s learning and understand what they are doing at school. (Orr, 2023)

The attitude

Perhaps some of the facts that our older children are pouring over during homework sessions will help them later in life, or some may not.  What will last, are the positive mindsets and attitudes that can be fostered through homework.

These three lessons in attitude are worth focusing on.

  1.  The wisdom of planning tasks– Time management is a skill that will benefit your child in their adult years. Time management can take time to learn, so practising it at a young age is worth the effort.
  2. How to work and then play.   We have probably all heard the adage, ‘Eat the frog’. It is reported to have come from Mark Twain, quoted as having said, ‘Eat a live frog first thing in the morning, and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.’ Eating a live frog is a bad idea. Getting your work out of the way so that you can enjoy playing is a better idea.
  3. What It feels like to take pride in what they do. As well as learning the subjects, during the school years children are also learning about themselves. By truly trying their best on homework projects, they can explore their potential to grow and improve.

How much to help

Homework can be much more fun when you are a grown-up and the work is no longer your own.  This seems to be most evident when homework gets crafty.  In my son’s first term at school, they were asked to make rockets from household items and bring them in.  There were 28 rockets with definite five-year-old vibes; Two rockets, however, were so detailed, intricate and fancy that you had to wonder if a child was allowed within five feet of it.

While helping heavily, or simply doing their homework while they watch cartoons, might seem kind at the time, it can be counterproductive. Children need to be given the space to push their limits and find out what they are capable of. Showing them what you are capable of will do nothing to build their self-esteem or develop their skill sets.

How much you help will depend on the age of your child. Little ones often need a lot more assistance. For younger children, take everything step by step, letting them do as much as they can at each stage.  Let them help to plan, and to troubleshoot when things go wrong.

 As your child gets older, increase their independence in line with what they can handle. When you do help, try to do so by teaching them new skills rather than just doing it for them

 The more that you let children do for themselves, the greater their sense of ownership of the project becomes.  

How to cope with homework meltdowns

During the first UK Covid 19 lockdown, I home-schooled my son or at least tried to.  It did not go well. We both ended up angry and frustrated. He had more than one meltdown, and truth be told, I wasn’t peaceful or kind.

The second Covid-19 lock down I wanted to do better. I would not fight. We told my son it was up to him how much he did. However, privileges like watching a screen, staying up late or having fun days out were contingent on doing the essential homeschooling tasks. If he felt tired, he could play, read, or colour. When he was caught up on homeschooling, the privileges were back.

I have carried this strategy through to weekly homework and it works well. There are days when they choose to do something else first, but they always come back to their homework. They enjoy the extra privileges that homework unlocks

I believe that it is important to teach children to make the right choices through discipline, rather than control them through fights.

If you are having homework battles remember to talk to your child. There might be parts of the homework that they struggle with. You can encourage them to explore creative ways to overcome the difficulties. For example, if they feel too tired to study, a snack and a small break before studying might help.

You don’t have to shout, drag them to the table, or staple their sleeves to the textbooks. Leave the books on the table ready for them, but reserve certain privileges for after homework is finished. An important one is screen.

Screen is now a big part of most children’s lives. It is not bad in itself, but without moderation can become addictive. Many games and YouTube videos are fast-moving, delivering quick hits of dopamine and endorphins, with minimal effort from the child. These chemicals are addictive, and make focusing for a long time harder. (Luker, 2022) Reserve screen for after homework. This will encourage any young gamers to prioritise homework, and they will be studying with their brains still switched on

Pens, ruler and notebook on a yellow table.

Tips, tricks and staying sane

  1. Keep to a schedule. Have a set time for homework.  Find what works for you.
  2. Consider doing homework before screen time.  Once they are sat in front of a show or video game a child may let their brain switch off for a bit.  It can be a drag for them to pull back to work mode.
  3. Make a space.  Even if it is just the kitchen table, designate a homework spot.  Clear off anything that could be distracting and help them set everything they need out.
  4. Teach them to plan.  When children are older and are juggling more tasks, it may be worth getting a student diary.  When they come home each day, build the habit of planning out a time for any homework that they have been given.
  5. Praise what they do well.  For any other perfectionists out there, I know this one is difficult.  We want our children’s work to be the very best it can be and point to what they can improve.  Unfortunately, pointing out mistakes can set a negative mindset.  They see themselves as not very good and perform accordingly. Instead, try and find things that they have done well and praise them on it.  Flip the narrative so they see themselves as thorough, tidy, and creative workers.  It is amazing how quickly they begin to live up to the new reality you have created.

A final note

As with all things be patient.  It may seem like the world, but one piece of homework missed will not break you or your child long-term.

I wish you all the peace

Hannah

References

Collier, Ellie. “Why Is Reading so Important for Children.” The Hub | High Speed Training, High Speed Training, 24 May 2019, www.highspeedtraining.co.uk/hub/why-is-reading-important-for-children/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Dungy, Tony. “Motivating Kids to Give Their Best.” All pro Dad, 21 July 2017, www.allprodad.com/motivating-kids-to-give-their-best/.

Goodwin, Cara. “Is Homework Good for Kids? | Psychology Today United Kingdom.” Www.psychologytoday.com, 3 Oct. 2023, www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-translator/202309/is-homework-good-for-kids. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

Herrity, Jennifer. “20 Ways You Can Benefit from Time Management.” Indeed Career Guide, 22 Jan. 2022, www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/benefits-of-time-management.

Luker, Edward. “Are Video Games and Screens an Addiction?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 1 July 2022, www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/are-video-games-and-screens-another-addiction. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.

McIntyre, Julie. “How Young Children Develop Pride in Self.” Blog.concordiashanghai.org, 28 Oct. 2021, blog.concordiashanghai.org/how-young-children-develop-pride-in-self.

Orr, Derek. “The Pros and Cons of Homework.” Oxford Learning, Oxford Learning, 10 Feb. 2023, www.oxfordlearning.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-homework/. Accessed 20 Nov. 2024.




When to Set a Routine for Your Baby

When you have a baby, you will hear lots of talk about setting a routine. This might not sound like the worst idea. Life with a newborn can feel chaotic.  Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos.

Many grown-up humans love predictability and preset plans. Babies, however, come to us unprogrammed, with no concept of time or scheduling. Their constantly changing and unpredictable needs can be exhausting.    Babies are little, but they have a huge impact.  A lot of new parents may feel eager to calm the chaos

So, when can you set a routine for a baby?

Why wait to set a routine?

The most important thing, especially the first few months, is to ensure that your and your baby’s needs are met. 

A fundamental need for your baby is food. There is a lot of debate regarding whether to feed a baby at set times or to feed on demand.

A 2012 study shows feeding a baby on a schedule can be better for the mother’s overall well-being. The same study shows that babies who feed on demand are more successful academically later in life. (Lacovou and Sevilla, 2012) As with many areas of parenting, there are valid arguments on both sides.

However, if you want to breastfeed up until weaning, feeding on demand is important.

Many mothers stop breastfeeding early, due to problems with their milk supply.  A baby’s natural feeding patterns can help to stimulate milk production. As your little one grows, they need more milk per feed.   Babies can encourage their mother’s body to meet the increasing demands by cluster feeding. Cluster feeding is exhausting, but it works. (USDA)

As your little one grows and develops during these first few months, sleep patterns will fluctuate, too. Although this is normal, it can be exhausting.

Keeping up with the needs of a newborn is hard.  Once the baby is settled, it is important to take care of yourself.   The priority during this stage is keeping everyone well.   The pressure to keep to a schedule too early can add unnecessary stress.  

When should you set a routine for baby?

There are many opinions about the right time to set a routine for your baby.  It is important to remember that while opinions differ, so do babies.  What works for one family may not work for you.

Recommendations can vary from six weeks to six months.  By as early as two months, you may find that a routine is beginning to emerge.  (Dougherty, 2022)  Just remember to be kind to yourself.  It will take time for you and your baby to fall into a working rhythm. 

If a routine hasn’t emerged after a few months, you can begin proactively working towards one. This could take time. You may establish a routine which works beautifully, only to find a few months on it no longer works. Don’t despair. Babies are unpredictable. Adapt where needed, and try again.

For some people, living out of routine is not physically possible.  Modern life puts a lot of demands, on new parents.  If you need to set a routine earlier on, there are some great online resources available from sites like Baby Center

The benefits of a routine

Establishing a routine can have advantages for both you and your baby.  For you as a grown-up, having your baby following a routine means you can too. You will also know when your baby is most likely to sleep so you can make plans that are more likely to work. Routines can also reduce your stress and improve your sleep. (Brennan, 2021)

As your baby grows they will become increasingly aware of the new and unfamiliar world around them.  Having some predictability in their day can be comforting, and help them to feel safe. (“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers”)

baby sleeping

How to set a schedule for your baby

  • Work with what is there.   If a routine is already beginning to emerge naturally, start there. It is better not to change too much, too soon.   If you need to move feeding or sleeping times, move them a little at a time.
  • Make bedtimes relaxing.  Choose a few activities to build a bedtime routine with your little one.   You could include things like baths, nighttime feeds, or relaxing music.  Although they may not yet follow along, reading aloud to your newborn can be a bonding experience. Find what works for you.
  • Consider a dream feed.  Some experts suggest waking your baby for a dream feed at around ten or eleven PM before you go to sleep.   Dream feeds can prevent your baby from waking up hungry and may improve the night’s sleep for the whole family. (Wisner, 2020)
  • Monitor naps.  It is worth being aware of how much sleep your baby needs.  If a baby sleeps too long, they may not sleep as well at night. Long naps can seem like a blessing but try to keep them under two hours. Naps earlier in the day are better, as they are less likely to impact bedtime.

What a healthy schedule looks like

A healthy schedule should be workable. A workable schedule will look different for every family.  Focus on what benefits both you and your baby.

The most important thing is remembering to be flexible.  When growth and development leaps happen sleep patterns can be drastically affected.  There will also be external factors, which will throw you off routine some days.  If your schedule is already flexible, these changes will have less impact on you and your newborn.  

A final note

When you try to set a routine, for you and baby, it will be a learning curve for you both.  Be patient. If things don’t fall into place at first, adapt if needed and keep trying.   

It is always helpful to build a reliable support system.  Don’t be ashamed to accept help.

When it goes to plan, I am happy for you.  When it doesn’t, breathe. 

The messy moments will pass.  The sweet memories will last.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah

References

Brennan, Dan. “Psychological Benefits of Routines.” WebMD, 25 Oct. 2021, www.webmd.com/mental-health/psychological-benefits-of-routine. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

Bell, Sophie. “Seven Steps to Creating a Successful Baby Routine.” BabyCentre UK, Sept. 2021, www.babycentre.co.uk/a1051918/seven-steps-to-creating-a-successful-baby-routine. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Dougherty, Elizabeth. “Baby Schedules: When to Start a Daily Routine with Your Baby.” BabyCenter, 28 July 2022, www.babycenter.com/baby/schedules/the-basics-of-baby-schedules-why-when-and-how-to-start-a-rou_3658352. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/nhswebsite. “Your Baby’s Sleep Patterns – Start for Life.” Nhs.uk, 13 June 2023, www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/baby-basics/newborn-and-baby-sleeping-advice-for-parents/your-babys-sleep-patterns/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

https://www.facebook.com/parents. “Cluster Feeding and Newborns: A Guide for Parents.” Parents, 2020, www.parents.com/baby/breastfeeding/problems/cluster-feeding-your-newborn-a-guide-for-parents/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Iacovou, Maria, and Almudena Sevilla. “Infant Feeding: The Effects of Scheduled vs. On-Demand Feeding on Mothers’ Wellbeing and Children’s Cognitive Development.” European Journal of Public Health, vol. 23, no. 1, 14 Mar. 2012, pp. 13–19, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3553587/, https://doi.org/10.1093/eurpub/cks012. Accessed 25 Apr. 2019.

Louise, Hannah. “10 Ways to Practice Self-Care as a Parent – Calm to the Storm.” Calm to the Storm, 23 Feb. 2024, www.calmtothestorm.com/10-ways-to-practice-self-care-as-a-parent/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

NHS. “Helping Your Baby to Sleep.” Nhs.uk, 7 Dec. 2020, www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

“The Benefits of Routines for Babies and Toddlers.” Babysparks, 1 Autumn 2020, babysparks.com/2020/01/23/the-benefits-of-routines-for-babies-and-toddlers/. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.

USDA. “Low Milk Supply | WIC Breastfeeding.” Wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov, wicbreastfeeding.fns.usda.gov/low-milk-supply. Accessed 13 Nov. 2024.

Wisner, Wendy. “Sweet Dreams Are Made of Milk: All about Dream Feeding.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 16 Jan. 2020, www.healthline.com/health/baby/dream-feed. Accessed 19 Nov. 2024.




Calm to the Storm- an introduction

Parenthood can be magical.  Cuddles with your newborn, days at the beach watching your toddler play with the waves, pumpkin patch adventures, or muddy puddle walks; These are the moments many of us look forward to when we welcome our first child.

The reality of parenthood

If you already have children, you know that there is another side of parenting.  It is often messy, exhausting, and demoralising.  Parenting can bring out the very best in us, but often also our worst.

Since I became a mother, I have found a side of me that is kind, resilient and resourceful.  I have also discovered how grumpy, controlling, and impatient I can become.  It is easier to be a nice person when you have had sleep and hot coffee, and you aren’t trying to tame a tempestuous two-year-old in the middle of a grocery store.

Children have the potential to rage through our homes, our days and our souls leaving a trail of destruction, frustration, and Lego.  They are not unlike a tropical storm.  Just slightly noisier, and they want more snacks.

Bringing calm to the storm

Our children may test every boundary and push us to our limits. They rarely, however, act with malicious intent. That is, they break us by accident, not on purpose.

They are trying to find their way in a world that they do not understand and to follow rules that they don’t yet know.  We tell them to control their emotions, but sometimes their emotions feel bigger than they are.

As parents, we have a wonderful opportunity.  We have the potential to be a refuge for our little ones. A light for them when things grow murky.   We can bring calm to their storm.   Even more, we can begin to teach them, through example, how to find their own peace.

father and daughter walking towards sea

The purpose of Calm to the Storm is to explore practical ways to be a joyful, effective and calm parent.  As well as looking at creative solutions to parenting dilemmas, we will look at parenting from a scientific and psychological perspective.  When you understand the ways that your child learns and develops you can make more informed choices that benefit your child.

As well as parenting, we will also look at self-care and ways to safeguard your own mental health.  After all, if we want to be our child’s anchor of peace in the storm, we must first ground ourselves.   

About me

My name is Hannah, and I am the mother of two.  I am also an author with a passion for child psychology. 

I was raised in the age when authoritarian parenting was seen as the only viable option.  When my eldest was born I tried the same parenting techniques that were used on me as a child. They did not work.  I tried to use the same techniques a little harder, which in truth just meant raising my voice and threatening bigger punishments. It still did not work.  

Thus began my 10-year journey into looking for parenting methods that did work.  It started with reading books and articles by leading child psychologists.  As my interest in the subject grew, I returned to college and took courses on child psychology and children’s mental health.   I know so much more now than I did at the start.  However, the more that I learn the more I realise how limited my understanding is. Every child is so unique and is a mini universe unto themselves.  I hope to continue learning, and I hope that you will learn alongside me. 

A final note

There are many ways to learn. Science and psychology have a lot to teach us. So does experience. When we come together and share our lived or second hand experiences we can’t help but become a little wiser. Therefore I would love to hear from anyone reading this. Feel free to comment or email.

I wish you all the peace,

Hannah